So I am so sorry for the delay but life is crazy as usual, including a new baby (haha not mine!), college, SAT's, work, and two friends moving into my bedroom. Haha, my friends and family (who have all decided to go crazy at the same time), are my biggest priority and they need some damage control right now so I am all over that. I recently taught myself to drive stick though which is amazing so YAY! Converses? Where are you in my life! Anyhow this is a decent length chapter and I am sitting here at 1:43 AM to get it to you guys because contrary to how is appears as of the late my artistic side is a priority as well. Anyhow...

xoxo Jules

HAHA, I got an "E" in English this quarter, can you believe that? I found it pretty humorous (although that ought to change when my parents see). Good times, that is why it sucks to switch schools 4th quarter Junior year. Oh for and the love of god never put your children in Maryland public schools. Although, Howard County public school system is rather decent.

Chapter 13: "doesn't really matter to me"

Alex's POV: "I took two to the chest"

Summer glanced over at me.

"What do you mean we all have our secrets?" She asked me quizzically

"I don't know. I don't have anything really interesting, especially compared to you." I said trying to see if I could somehow weasel my way out of the situation.

"Try me." Summer said

I hesitated for a second. Marissa began to stir again, but she didn't wake. Summer was stroking her hair. I had never been close to any girls, it was just always Luke and I against the world. Maybe I just have to get used to the atmosphere change…

I sighed as I began to remember this time about two years ago… I was fifteen years old and a very different person.

"Towards the end of my sophomore year in high school I started dating this guy named Gabe who was… well he was perfect."

Sometimes I still smile remember the way that he used to be although that person is long gone… if he ever really existed…

"He was blonde haired, blue eyed, and the start of the JV water polo team. Every girl in school wanted to date him, but he chose me. It was all good at first. He seemed to really care about me yanno? He was the jock and I was the girl madly in love with him, with the high ponytail and the ribbon in her hair." I said to Summer not really expecting a response. "Then overnight he like changed, he didn't like my friends, I wasn't allowed to do anything with anyone other than him, especially Luke."

I remember that Gabe had been so jealous of Luke that he spread a rumor around school that he was gay…

May 2002:

"What the hell Gabe? I know that it was you who was spreading all of these rumors around school about Luke, and you KNOW that they are not true."

I had grabbed him from the hallway and pushed him into the Water Polo locker room. It was just after school had gotten out and the entire place was deserted.

"I don't want it looking like I can't keep a girl and she'd rather spend more time with some fag than me! There is no way I am going to let Luke Ward show me up, no way."

I sighed, I could explain this over and over to him but he would still never get it. Luke and I were not like that.

"Everyone knows that Luke and I have been best friends with each other since like ever! I really don't get what the issue is! I am with you, not Luke!"

"Look babe." He said gently grabbing my waist and pulling me towards him. "I am your boyfriend, not Luke. You chose me, so act like it, I deserve to be treated better than this." His expression was soft but his voice firm. He stared at me with cold empty eyes.

"I don't want to treat you bad Gabe." I said, my voice only a squeak

"Well what the hell am I supposed to think!" He yelled pushing me back into a locker before pacing around. "You won't even put out!" Now he was so close to me that I could feel his breath against my cheek. "What, have you been fucking around with other guys!"

"No, I swear I haven't! There's nobody I want but you. I swear Gabe, I swear…" And then I leaned in and kissed him. I guess that was his go ahead.

And right there, in the locker room it happened.

The end of Flashback

Summer looked at me in surprise.

"How long did you guys date?" She asked glancing down at Marissa for a second and then back up at me.

"Too long." Was all that I could say. Honestly most of the time that I spent with Gabe was a blur. His parents had up and moved to Washington sometime during Junior year and that was the last that I heard of him. But not before it happened…

January 2003:

I sat alone on the beach, the worry of time nowhere in my mind. It is funny the times when reality becomes so clear. A stark painful contrast to the conscience that we have created for ourselves. At our lowest point everything becomes clear, so exact. Everything hit me like a ton of bricks, the realization that the entire world is going to change and you are helpless to stop it because of one stupid mistake… because you couldn't say no…

I jumped as I felt a hand touch my shoulder. For a moment my thoughts raced to Gabe, but he never touched me the way that this hand was touching me. This hand was soft and gentle.

"Hey squirt." Luke said sitting beside me using my childhood nickname. Although we were the same age he would always call me that, something about superiority I would imagine in retrospect.

"Hey." I said wiping an almost dry tear from my eye. At this point I have no more tears left to cry. I was surprised by how my voice came out, cracked, broken and weak. It had been awhile since I talked to anyone.

"Did you talk to him?" Luke asked. He never addressed Gabe by name. He said something as low as him didn't deserve to even be called an "it.". I always acted offended but inside I chuckled. It was nice to hear from someone that I wasn't dating a god.

"Yeah." I said my voice hushed.

It was an abnormally cold winter day. We had actually gotten a bit of snow. The sky was gray with masses of dark clouds hanging just over the foggy water, threatening a storm. I just braced myself.

Iwrapped my maroon Harbor hoodie around me so tightly that my knuckles turned white.

"Hey." Luke said moving a strand of hair from in front of my eyes. "What happened Alex?"

"He told me," I paused to wipe my nose on the sleeve of my jacket. Uber lady-like right? "he told me to get rid of it." I said my eyes drifting seaward. All that I wanted to do right then was be one of the birds heading south, far from Newport, far from Gabe, and far from this problem.

"You're not going to do that though are you?" Luke asked

I could feel him staring intently at me.

"You would never would you squirt?" Luke asked turning my chin gently to look at him "You wouldn't…"

I wiped tears from my eyes that had begun to pour, I could feel him intently staring at him waiting for me to say what he wanted to hear.

"I don't have a choice Luke…" I said refusing to meet his gaze

"What do you mean you don't have a choice! Your family would help you, I would help you!" Lukes voice raged.

"WHAT THE HELL LUKE? You are always trying to tell me what to do with my life, you have NO idea what it is like to be me alright? I am SIXTEEN years old alright? What the hell are my options?" I yelled as sprang to my feet stumbling backwards a little bit.

"What about the child!" Luke challenged me standing to his feet as well. "It shouldn't have to pay for YOUR mistakes Alex!"

"My mistakes? Luke you don't even know! I never wanted to sleep with Gabe alright? He forced me, practically raped me Luke! Why should I have to pay for HIS mistakes!" I screamed

And then Luke said something to me that will always ring clearer than anything else that anyone has ever said to me.

"You've got to grow up squirt. It wasn't just his mistake. You were there too, you knew how he was, and you were with him, physically, time and time again. You've got to take responsibility." Luke said shoving his hands in his pockets.

To that day I had always gotten what I wanted. All that I had to do was bat my pretty blue eyes and everything was given to me. I never tasted the real world, not like Luke had. I had two parents that would give their lives for me. I was spoiled. I was always right, and I wanted to be right this time too.

I looked at Luke with hatred as I gritted my teeth.

"I hate you Luke." The words seeped out of my like venom

And so what did I do? I made an appointment for the next week. I told myself in my head over and over again that it was right, and Gabe was right there to confirm my thoughts. I wanted my life back, and I wanted to prove to Luke that he was wrong. All that I proved in the end that I was a selfish hard headed teenager.

With that being said… After the abortion I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want to talk to anyone, and I didn't want Gabe to touch me… I seemed to be successful with all save the latter.

I never felt so guilty. I would get this unbearable pain when I saw babies on TV commercials or at the beach with their parents.

I was never able to bring myself to break up with Gabe which I regret, but luckily for me he moved with his family. In my mind I know without a doubt that if he had stayed the same thing would have happened all over again.

People say that the past is the greatest indicator of future behavior, especially when the person doesn't learn their lesson. I let Gabe get what he wanted up to the farewell fuck and a couple on visits after that. And then as quick as night turns to day he was gone for good and I was left to pick up the pieces alone…well there was Luke.

I have no idea how he forgave me for what I said… I guess that he knew it wasn't true. He has been my constant my entire life… my rock

End of flashback

Summer stared intently at me as I finished.

"I would never have guessed." She said as Marissa once again began to stir.

Like I said shrugging.

"Like I said we all have our secrets." I said biting my lower lip.

"Do you think about it a lot?" Summer asked me out of the blue.

"What do you mean?" I asked her

"I donno." She said still waiting for an answer.

"Well sure I guess… I think about whether it was a boy or a girl, would it have played sports or been an artist, what it's favorite food would have been…"

And with that Marissa's eyes fluttered open.

"What's going on?" She asked

Summer and I just chuckled.

Review, humor me. I really need it right now! I decided that I want to go to college at Emerson or Temple... hum... I really don't know what is with the random comments, it is just really late...

This chapter random right? I know. heh... Whatever dude.

the little purple button is your friend.

xoxo Jules