I dont know what is going on with me. I think that the recent goings on of the OC has compelled me to finish this story. Please review, that compells me too. lol

xoxo Jules

Chapter 17 : "Pulled my Trigger"

Marissas POV: "Except gun blasts"

His eyes stared deep into mine, … too deep.

"What do you remember?" He asked as his jaw stiffened although he kept his eyes fixated on my own.

"I was three when you came up. I had never seen a car like that, so shiny and new. Mom never had a car so we took the bus. I remember the smell of it, the bus, stale and old. You looked like the men from the front of the magazines that we would see in the doctors office."

I vividly remembered that day as the events began to replay in my mind.

I awoke that morning on the floor. I had a blanket draped across me. I could already smell smoke as mommy lit her bong. Dakota was sitting in the light by the window trying to do what was left of her homework. Terry, moms most recent boyfriend had rolled Jeremy's for blunt paper. Haley, my littlest sister sat on the floor playing with a pipe.

I stood straightening out my wrinkled knight gown. I yawned and stretched my arms in a childish fashion.

"Com'er sweetie." Terry said from where he sat on the couch

I hesitated for a moment before I approached him. I knew what he was going to do as he took a big hit from the bong that sat on the coffee table and then held my head to his as he blew the smoke in my mouth.

"Wake and bake sweetie pie."

Wake and bake was a term that I was to hear many more times over the course of my life.

I coughed for a second as I let the smoke settle in my head. Mom laughed from where she sat at the coffee table. I spent the rest of the day wandering around. Terry and mom were kissing and touching each other on the couch when Terry told us to leave. I was relieved when he gave us permission to go, sometimes we just sat there as it happened. I am almost positive that I was present there in the same room the afternoon when Haley was conceived. Jeremy, my older brother said the same thing about me.

I wandered into the back wearing only a pair of old shorts belonging to my older sister Dakota. It had rained the night before so I stepped barefoot into the mud. I slipped off of the steps and caught myself with my hands. Wiping the mud from my hands onto my bare chest I stared through the window to where Teddy had mom pinned against the wall. As he pounded into her over and over again I wondered if it was hurting the baby. I ask mom that once. She told me that nothing would happen to the baby and the proceeded to explain how nothing had happened to me and then she had been with men twice as "big" and twice as rough with Terry when she was pregnant with me. At the time I didn't understand.

I walked around to the front of the trailer when I heard a car pull up. Jeremy who was holding Haley, and Dakota went to see who the visitor was.

"Then you stepped out of the car." I said taking my eyes away from Jimmy's as I was broken from my memory. "You were clean, you were wearing an blue and white stripped shirt. You had a nervous expression on your face and your eyes darted around until they settled on me. You said something to Jeremy and then left. That was it."

Jimmy's lip began to quiver.

"I am so sorry Marissa, I am so sorry. I never wanted to leave you but I was young and I was stupid." He placed his head in his hands. "I am so sorry." He repeated.

I shrugged hoping to feel some kind of emotion at all. But there was nothing, I was blank, empty. I always thought the day that I found my father would be different. I thought that I would react, I don't know how but somehow! I thought that I would give him a big hug and tell him that I missed him, or smack him across the face and tell him he's a rotten bastard that made my life a living hell. But I never expected this nothingness, this emptiness, … this indifference.

"Wh- where's your mother?" Jimmy asked me as he rubbed the stubble that was beginning to form under his chin.

"I don't know. I haven't seen her in about five years after they took me away." I said blankly.

"Who took you away?" Jimmy asked me dumbly.

I chuckled for a second before I responded though I don't know why.

"The state of Illinois." I could feel a small grin play in the creases of my mouth. As easily as it came I pushed it away.

"Oh…" Jimmy said pulling his knees up to his chest as he rested against the pool house beside me.

"Yeah, oh."

There are moments that people wait for all of their lives, moments that are supposed to define you and the direction that your life is heading in. I thought that finding my dad would be that moment for me, but as usual it, like the rest of my life didn't fail to disappoint. Maybe I should open up and give him a chance,problem isI have this debilitating fear that I will just end up getting hurt again.

I though that that reflection was a good way to end that chapter because it left the Marissa Jimmy relationship very open for whichever direction I decide to take it. Next chapter will be something Summer and or Seth related, followed by Alex and Luke. If anybody has ANY ideas or requests i am really open to your opinions. I mean, i know what i want to do but feedback could give me an idea that i may have missed. Longer chapters ahead.

xoxo Jules

review and let me know what up