Chapter 35: "Gotta leave you all behind"

Ryans POV: They might remember him then

"Ryan! Ryan!"

The voice beckoned me again and again. Although it was soft and soothing I didn't want to go to it, I didn't trust it. Voices like that are the ones that get you. They lure you in and then snap their jaws coldly around your neck and grin as you bleed out in front of them.

"RYAN!" The voice called me one more time, sterner.

I sighed knowing that I had to give in.

"Comin' ma!" I screamed tossing my model plane down on my bed. I had gotten it for my tenth birthday only a week ago but I had spent everyday since assembling it.

I stopped when I reached the living room. As usual there were traces of white powder on the glass coffee table and bongs and bowls splayed over top of old needles. It was no place for a kid my house.

I put on a fake smile when I saw my mom.

"Yes ma?" I asked as sweetly as I could. Today I was really not in the mood to get on her bad side.

My mom stood in front of me. Her bleach blonde hair was fried and teased as she stared down at me smiling with her blood red lip stick that she got from the 99 cent store. She had a man standing next to her… his hand groped her ass. He had a dark beard, a long ponytail, and a beer belly.

"Ry, I wanna introduce ya to mah friend Lance. He'll be yar new daddy!" My mom smiled her eyes dancing.

I looked up at this man. He looked down at me with a fake smile. They always looked at me like that. It would only be about a week before he beat me and tried to run me out of the house like the rest of 'em. Ma would just sit outside of my bedroom door and cry. I'd try to talk to her about it, … I always would. She'd just tell me to stop getting in their way.

"Nice'ta meet ya son."

This man, Lance, extended a greasy hand towards me. The underside of his fingernails was caked with dirt. I shook his hand hesitantly but I did not want to be rude.

"Nice'ta meet you sir." I looked at him evenly. He looked at me, amused.

He turned to my mother.

"Kid's got a good grip. He should box." Lance then squeezed her ass cheek

Boxing. I should have thought about that a long time ago. Maybe it'd stop me from getting my ass kicked from the men that keep runnin' in and out.

"Hear that baby?" My mom said smiling at me proudly actually believing that this man was fond of me.

Lance then began kissing her neck… I grimaced.

"Now if you'll 'xcuse us son you ma and I've got some business to do." He winked at me. I thought that it was an overshare.

My mom giggled like a school girl as she skipped off towards the bedroom. That's when he leaned in and whispered in my ear.

"Things're gonna change 'round here kid. Got that? I'm man of this house now ya hear? By the way-"

I will always remember how he pulled back from my ear and met me dead in my eyes.

"Heard yar mammas the best fuck in town." He winked at me as he turned and stalked back to the bathroom.

I stood stone faced although my blood boiled. I could hear the moans and the screams coming from the other side of the rancher. Suddenly my stomach heaved and I leaned forward and threw up right onto my lap…

There are those moments in life that define us. That was my moment. I was ten years old. Most people cant look back at one moment in life and say that's when I became a man. I can though. I think it was that moment. I was living for myself. I was all that I had, … and that would have to be okay.

To give your heart to someone is the greatest gift. At the same time though it is the greatest sacrifice. Your heart is all that you have that keeps you going, so long as it beats you're alright. You keep it protected in your chest. But the moment you take it out, put it on your sleeve, someone rips it off and clutches it in their two fists until the blood seeps out down their fingers and the pressure is just so much that it explodes.

That's what love is like.

I glance at the clock. 2:34 am. All day I've had this bad feeling in my gut. It's been there since I hung up on Marissa last night. Somethings not right, but I cant do anything about it. It's not my place right now… but I miss her.

Groaning I step out of bed and head downstairs to the kitchen.

"Shit!" I muttered stubbing my toe on the wall.

I fumbled around the wall until I found the light switch. I promptly flick it on to reveal Summer sitting on the counter eating a bowl of cereal. I raised a brow.

"What are you doing up?" She asked me with a small smile.

I shrugged.

"Couldn't sleep." I responded lamely.

She nodded

"You?" I asked her

Summer smirked lightly.

"I don't sleep. You know this."

It never really thought about it but I've probably known her for about six years when I first got placed in Hartford. That was even longer than Marissa or even Seth. She was already there when I arrived. She was eleven and I had just turned twelve.

I wandered around the endless splay of unfamiliar halls, they all seemed to lead the same place, … nowhere. I turn hearing a door open just feet away from me.

A small girl appeared with dark brown hair, almost black. She looked a little younger than me. She kept her head down trying to keep the fact that she had tears streaming down her face hidden. She had her hands wrapped protectively around her body as she hurried down the hall.

It was then that the doctors head popped out of the room that she had just been in. He watched her down the hall, … until his eyes caught with mine.


"You didn't see anything." He warned me slamming the door.

What is going on? I asked myself. I followed the hall that the girl had just disappeared down and into the stairwell that sat at the end of it.

I pushed the door open, … it slammed into something on the other side.

"What the fuck!" A voice said

I looked down to see the girl from the hall crouched in the corner with her knees pulled up to her chest. She looked up at me momentarily. Her face was firm, hard. Her face was streaked with tears although none fell.

"I'm so sorry!" I said rushing into hero mode.

She shook her head and rolled her eyes taking a puff of her cigarette. I sighed.

"You alright?" I asked sliding against the wall until I landed on the floor. For some reason I was exhausted.

She nodded meeting my eye. She held up a carton of cigarettes to me.

"Want one?" She offered up

I nodded taking it greedily. At the time eleven and twelve year olds smoking didn't seem at all odd.

"How'd you get these?" I asked inhaling.

She shrugged.

"Dr. Corbin gives 'em to me."

My skin crawled. I hear stories about Dr. Corbin. How he takes the girls back into his room for "private counseling sessions" and then basically does what he wants with them.

I just nodded simply. She looked at me again, her eyes were sad and withdrawn. In that moment we had an understanding.

At that moment I would never have imagined that I would be sitting in a mansion in Newport Beach California at almost three am.

"You alright Ryan?" She suddenly asked me.

I must have zoned out.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." I lied quickly.

She smiled again softly.

"So," I began "How are things with you and Seth?" I asked

She smirked at me wildly.

"Good. He's such a dreamer yanno? He's not depressed about his past to the point that it debilitates him, and he doesn't drown himself in dr-" Summer abruptly stopped. "I'm sorry…" She said

I had to smile then.

"Don't worry about it." I smirked "For what it's worth I think that you guys are good for each other."

"Thanks Ry."

"Don't thank me. It's the truth." I said genuinely.

"Yanno what I realized Ry?"

"What?" I asked turning back to her

"Life is just to short yanno? There's no need to dwell on the past because you cant change it. Look around, we've been given this amazing opportunity. It doesn't make sense, life, and that's okay. Time is something that you cant get back. Don't waste it." She winked at me.

I knew what she meant right then. Marissa.

My mother never got the chance to live life. She had me and my brother right when it was about to begin and was on a downward spiral ever since. Her death seemed to make sense. It was like it was that she was destined to find peace eventually and that was the only way.

Without another word I headed for the back door. But before I got out I stop.

"Hey Sum?"

She turns her head up from her cereal.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks." I smiled softly.

She nodded

"Now hurry up. She needs you."

And with that I practically ran out of the back door, jumped to bush wall onto the property next door. I slipped through the back garden past the pool and then up the long staircase.

I peered into her window before I entered. There was a dim light on inside. I could see her. She was crouched on the middle of her bed, her body nodded in a ball and she was shaking, crying.

Slowly so not to alarm her I pushed the door open. Her eyes shot up, she braced herself for a moment looking scared… like she thought that I was someone else.

"Marissa…" I said softly rushing to her side

Her body flew into my arms and I was there to catch her as she clutched my chest for dear life. My shirt was soaked with her tears.

"I'm so sorry Ryan, I'm so sorry!" She mumbled into my chest as her body wracked with sobs

"Ssshhh, theres nothing to be sorry for baby. It's okay." I said gently rubbing the middle of her back the way that I used to do my mother.

At first I thought that I was attracted to Marissa because she is simply attractive… then I realized it was more, I am attracted, addicted to her pain. The pain that I couldn't take from my mom, the problems that I couldn't fix. Maybe this is my second chance.

"No, you don't get it!"

She pulled back from me against her headboard and wrapped her arms around herself as she shivers.

"I don't get what Marissa?" I asked scooting closer to her.

Her body tensed as she pushed herself further into the backboard.

"Tell me, tell me what's going on!" I tried to urge her gently.

Her head shook furiously.

"I can't-" She said between sniffled "it's too bad."

She began to dry heave and hyperventilate.

"Honey you've got to breathe." I said trying to stroke the side of her cheek.

She forcefully turned her cheek from me… it was then that I saw the bruises on the side of her neck.

"Are those hickeys?" I ask… I can feel my dinner rise in my stomach

She stared to sob even harder.

"Kevin!" I couldn't control my emotions. I flew up from the bed. My eyes flared. "Are you fucking Kevin!" I screamed at her accusingly.

"NO!" She pleaded her voice coming out in a whisper. She reached for my hands which I roughly ripped away.

"Don't touch me!" I screamed

At this point we were both crying. That is something that I don't do. Marissa was sobbing so hard that her face was red. Her eyes were puffy like she had been crying all day.

"How could you do that Marissa, huh! HE'S NO GOOD! You told me that yourself! Is it really that hard to just keep your GOD DAMN legs shut!"

Words were flying out of my mouth like a hurricane. I could almost feel the room spinning around me.

"Shut the fuck up Ryan!" She screamed slamming her head into her hands.

"NO Marissa! I'm not going to put up with this shit anymore ALRIGHT? I have got to hell and back for you. When you were going through withdraw I begged for money and then risked my life to get you a fix! I almost had to shove the GOD DAMN roll up your nose. I fucking stopped you from running off that night in only your underwear cause you couldn't go without the blow. You would have FUCKING GOTTEN RAPED on the pier like that! You've bled me dry Marissa!" I screamed

At this point I'm not sure if I'm yelling at Marissa or yelling at my mother. Whichever it's too much to take.

"Ryan…" I heard her choke out from the other side of the bed where shes sitting clad in her underwear and a tank top. Blood was pouring out of her nose like a faucet and into her hands.

And then there was a deafening silence until you could hear the waves crack against the rocks on the shore. Not soft and calming like usual, but harsh and violent.

I took one last look at Marissa on her bed now covered in blood and struggling to breath through her mouth. Yes this is too much.

I look at her for one last time with tears in my eyes.

"I'm sending Alex and Summer over to take care of you."

I rush to the door. I turned around, one last look at her, just one.

"I'm sorry."

I dashed out of her house into the night.

As I heard the waves crack against the rocks I could wish for nothing more than to be swept out to sea with the tide.

Hey guys! Like i said, thinks have to hit rock bottom before they get better and this is rock bottom. I hope you liked it. There will be more soon.

This chapter was the most natural one that i wrote in a long time. I fulfilled some requests for Ryans backstory so i feel good about that. Now let me know what you think. Lemme know what you think! requests will be taken to the end at this point.

In upcoming chapters:

More Alex Luke

Summer/Seth

Ryan and Volchok confrontation

Cooper family fun

and Ryrissa

xoxo Jules