AN; hey sorry it's been awhile, I have been trying to sort out my student accommodation but that's over now, so I'll be updating very regularly, I hope you guys continue to enjoy this, reviews always welcome, so thank you!
Chapter 5: Panic
Dean's whole body tingled as Cas' mouth worked over his throat, an embarrassingly low moan fell from between his lips suddenly jolting him from the warmth of Cas' mouth, as images he had long forgotten, and words he cared not to remember resurfaced with a vengeance. Jumping off the sofa Dean stumbled back as the man with the bright blue eyes wordlessly stared up at him, a deep flush coloured Dean's cheeks as he averted his gaze from the horrified stare in Cas' eyes, who was clearly repulsed by his own actions slowly he rose staggering towards Dean, who retreated stepping backwards.
"D-Dean...", Cas' voice pleaded, lips trembling as Dean moved further away.
"I- cant", and then it was almost like he couldn't move fast enough, in an instant Cas was left standing alone in his dimly lit apartment, feeling his heart begin to crumble in his chest.
Stumbling into his apartment, Dean lay there motionlessly breathing deeply, he could still feel the tingle of Cas' lips, where they'd pressed against his neck. That night neither man slept, Cas was too wreaked to even make it to his bedroom, he settled on his sofa and tried to sleep away his sorrow, convincing himself that everyone was right, he didn't deserve to be happy, he didn't deserve good things, he didn't deserve Dean.
Three days passed with no contact and god did they miss each other. Thankfully for Dean he still had Sammy, thanks to Jess wonderful abilities the brothers had reconciled and currently Dean was slouched on their sofa, blindly staring at the TV, looking like a lost puppy.
"Dean... you okay?", lost green eyes looked up meeting his little brother's gaze.
"I messed up...Sammy", there was a long silence, followed by a heavy sigh that sounded like the last cry of a dying animal.
"Cas...", Sam asked.
"Cas...", Dean echoed.
"what happened", Sam tried carefully.
"I wish I didn't feel a god-dam thing Sammy...I wish", Dean's words clawed up his throat painfully, trying to get out.
"Dean...it'll be okay", Sam tried reassuringly.
"not when I'm involved...I'm a fuck up, I should stay away from people, I'm-"
"Dean stop...I don't know what happened but you should talk to Cas, he's probably having just as bad a time" the firmness in Sam's voice made Dean pause for a second.
"I hurt him Sammy.. I don't deserve-" Dean began dejectedly.
"Don't start...not this again... you deserve good things and clearly Cas makes you happy, go see him", Dean closed his eyes but said nothing.
When he got back to his apartment he practically downed a bar, fuelled purely on Dutch courage, his drunk form, now stood at Cas's door, knocking at 1 in the morning. The door opened slowly and for a moment Cas' face seemed to lighten at seeing Dean, before immediately falling as his brain remembered what he'd done. Silently they stared at each other, Dean swayed leaning against the door frame his unfocused green eyes latched onto Cas.
"d-dean...I'm so sorry..I'm so", Cas voice was quite and pained , his beautiful eyes looking way, as his slender fingers dug into his arm.
"Cas...", Dean called out with that hoarse voice "I s-shouldn't ..have left like that", Dean stuttered , Cas' eyes widened.
"no..no...it's my fault I'm stupid..", Cas seemed to be flailing "I ruin everything..."
"Cas-"
"I don't deserve you...or anyone", it was almost like he couldn't see Dean anymore, he was lost in sea of his own insecurities.
"Cas-" Dean tried again stumbling forward.
"everyone was right..I'm nothing" and then Dean was lunging forward wrapping his arms around the smaller man, drowning in the sweet surprised gasp that fell from between Cas' enticing lips, he held him tightly burying his face in the crook of his neck.
"please stop Cas...don't...don't say those things", Dean mumbled into his neck "you're not nothing...you're special", Cas said nothing simply letting Dean hold him. As Dean began to sway Cas carefully pulled back in order to gaze into an unfocused green forest.
"I don't b-believe you...I want to..but", and then endless tears were falling from those big blue eyes and dean's heart broke all over again, lifting his hands Dean gently placed them on either side of Cas' trembling face, leaning forward he rested his forehead against Cas'.
"then let me prove it to you Cas...let me make you believe...that you're special...that you're beautiful..okay... please Cas...just say okay" Cas's wide eyes met Dean's finally, his head trying to find fault with sincerity in Dean's eyes, but ultimately his heart was too tired of denying it.
"okay..." Cas whispered as Dean staggered a little unsteadily on his feet, Cas held him up, a firm grasp on his arm, slowly he pulled Dean further in, slowly dragging him towards his room, gently he pushed Dean and he fell against his bed, nervously Cas removed Dean's shoes and socks , pulling him up he pushed the leather jacket off his back, smiling at the childish grumbling that followed his jostling. Feeling he'd made dean reasonably comfortable, Cas got up to go sleep on the sofa when a hand firmly grasped his wrist and he was pulled back onto the bed.
"don't go...stay with me...Cas", Dean mumbled tiredly, tugging his arm till Cas's body fell on bed.
"Dean.. I don't think-" Cas began nervously,
"please Cas..." his voice was so pleading, and honestly Cas didn't have it in him to deny the request.
"just till you sleep..", satisfied Dean let go of Cas' wrist, Cas lay on his back staring at the ceiling, while Dean lay on his side facing Cas. As Cas waited for Dean to fall into a deep sleep, his own eyes began drifting to a close.
It was the sunlight peeking through unfamiliar curtains that finally drew Dean out of his drunken slumber, slowly his eyes came to focus on a head of dark messy raven locks, against pale skin, long lashes, and chapped lips, Dean's heart gave an nervous larch. Slowly Dean became very aware of all the places their bodies were touching, firstly his arm which was securely wrapped around Cas's waist, and then the octopus like tangle of legs, and the fact that their foreheads were a millimetre from touching, Deans breaths became very shallow, but he made no attempt to pull away in fact he shuffled a little closer, the movement caused long dark lashes to unfold revealing those too blue eyes.
"d-dean", Cas stuttered, shock and fear working their way into his cerulean irises as he tried to pull away, but he couldn't Deans grip on his waist tightened, Cas wriggled trying to squirm away, but Dean held fast until Cas stopped moving staring at Dean in bewilderment
"god you're beautiful", Dean finally breathed causing Cas to momentarily stop breathing, his eyes wide, taking a deep breath Cas closed his eyes tight, taking another shaky breath he opened them, to find bemused green eyes gazing at him.
"you're real...", Cas whispered to himself, and then Dean laughed that beautiful, light chuckle that seemed to settle on Cas's chest making it swell squeezing a small smile onto Cas' lips, seeing it Deans' heart gave another lurch and he leaned in pressing a chaste kiss to Cas's lips, enjoying the sensation of his cool lips as they momentarily melded with his, and then very gently he pulled his arm away and untangled his limbs from Cas's before sitting up. Very slowly Cas also sat up his long fingers tracing his lips, feeling them tingle before looking over at Dean curiously, smiling dean simply reached out and ruffled Cas' hair.
"I'm hungry Cas", Dean said letting his hands fall, Cas cleared his throat as he began scrambling out of bed , almost falling over himself.
"yes..yes..food.." Cas muttered as he made his way out, Dean following closely behind and slipping into a chair in the kitchen as Cas scrambled around, dropping things and muttering to himself, Dean watched his eyes dancing with amusement wondering how one human being could be so adorable. Their domesticity was interrupted by a sharp knock at the door, Cas frowned as he made his way towards the front door, Dean followed out of curiosity, as the door swung open, all the air seemed to have been sucked out of the room.
"Raphael", Cas stated with a coldness Dean didn't think he was capable of.
"Castiel", the man replied in a equally cold voice.
"why are you here", Cas stated arms tightening around the door.
"our father is dead, Michael sent me to get you", there was clear venom in the man's voice.
"I'm not going back, tell Michael to leave me alone", Cas began closing the door but the man stopped him his eyes narrowing.
"isn't it enough that you've chosen this faggot lifestyle...", venom dripped from Raphael's voice, Cas tensed, Dean's heart plummeted
"leave!", Cas practically screamed.
"stop being an abomination Castiel...", Raphael continued unfazed,
"leave while I'm being nice ", a cruel laugh fell from Raphael's mouth and then his eyes focused on the figure behind Castiel.
"is this your knew thing..another abomination, another faggot, disgusting", Raphael spat out, Cas's eyes flashed with unfathomable anger and he lunged forward , his fist connecting with Raphael's jaw who staggered back in shock.
"stay out of my life", Cas hissed slamming the door shut, his limbs almost turning to jelly as he took a shaky breath "I..I'm sorry about that de-", Cas stopped as he took in the wide panicked look in Dean's eyes, his uneven breathing, the sweat clinging to his forehead, walking forward, Cas reached for Dean grasping his arm firmly.
"Dean...", he called out, nothing, if anything Dean's breathing became even more ragged, he began shaking as he slipped towards the floor, Cas following him, Cas grasped Dean's shoulder trying to catch his unfocused eyes.
"Dean...", Dean's eyes glazed over his limbs shaking almost uncontrollably, Cas panicked. He wrapped his arms around him tightly whilst gently rubbing his back,
"come back to me Dean...you're okay...your safe...your okay..breathe..please...you're safe", Cas continued after a few minutes, Dean's breathing evened out leaving his head resting on Cas' shoulders, they sat like that for awhile, before Dean pulled back, looking at Cas with weary anguished eyes.
"Cas...", his voiced croaked "I have to tell you..something", Deans said,
"me too", replied Cas "me too".