Chapter 6: Confessions

Dean's feet trembled as Cas pulled him up, the only thing keeping him standing was the firm grip of the smaller man as he gently herded him towards the sofa. Dean slumped on the sofa lying back staring at the ceiling as he took a shaky breath, all of a sudden an almost familiar warmth began coursing through his veins as he felt Cas' hand gently rub his shoulder, turning his head he met concerned blue eyes, sitting up he shuffled closer, slowly resting his head on the side of Cas' shoulder, the angle was a little awkward at first, but Cas turned so he that his whole body was facing Dean, his hand soothingly ran up and down Dean's arm, it completed a few runs before Dean abruptly grasped pulling towards his chest before gently placing it over his heart.

"Cas..." Dean called quietly, his warm breaths caressing Cas's neck.

"Yes Dean...", Cas waited with baited breath for whatever confession Dean wanted to make.

"I'm still hungry...", Dean sighed childishly, there was a short pause before Dean heard the most beautiful sound in his whole world, Cas' laughter gentle and sweet, sitting up he was transfixed by curve of Cas' smiling mouth, charmed by the laughter lines around his eyes, enthralled by the joy in those endless blue eyes, feeling Dean's intense gaze Cas' breath caught, his laughter faltering.

"..god you're pretty ", Cas' eyes widened, a deep blush colouring his pale cheeks, he cleared his throat embarrassingly stumbling to his feet.

"I'll make us some breakfast...and then we can talk", Cas said as he practically ran to the kitchen, Dean smiled as he watched the smaller man scuttle away. He watched Cas' back for awhile as he cooked, too many emotions flying around his heart, fear, excitement, desire, and lo- no , not that , he affirmed shaking his head, before his eyes landed back on Cas, and even more feelings swelled, before he knew what he was doing, he was standing behind the smaller man, feeling a presence Cas began to turn around when strong arms wrapped around him, and a face pressed into the small of his back.

"Cas...", Dean's voice cracked.

"Dean...what's the matter", Cas asked unconsciously leaning back into the warmth of Dean's chest.

"I suddenly feel a little upset...", Dean whispered,

"why..."

"because I like you...so much", Cas stopped breathing as Dean's words wormed their way into his heart. Gently Cas unclasped Dean's hands from around his waist, whilst remaining in his arms, he turned to face him, placing his hand on his chest, he gazed up at him with confused, weary eyes.

"you don't even know me...are you sure you want to say those words to... me," gently Dean brushed the tears which had begun cascading down Cas' cheeks.

"Cas... why don't you understand, that...that's the point even though, I don't know everything, I want to...the good and the bad... every part of you...I want all of it Cas", calloused fingers traced lines across pale cheeks, as green bore down on blue.

"really..."Cas asked quietly, having run out of words Dean did the best next thing, he showed him, warm plump lips were suddenly pressing firmly against' Cas mouth as Dean gently worked his mouth over Cas', trying to convey the fear, desire, and want that was coursing through his veins, it was mere seconds before Cas melted into the kiss, giving back as much as he got, when they finally pulled back, they were breathless, faces pink, lips swollen, warm smiles clinging to their mouths.

"guess that means you like me back...right Cas", although Dean asked it playfully Cas could see the apprehension flicker across those effervescent green eyes, gently he cupped his face.

"when I first met you, my heart was beating so fast... it still hasn't slowed down...Dean I like you much more than you could ever imagine", and then Cas smiled that warm smile of his, and Dean was a goner.

The hours flew by, as Dean and Cas enjoyed just being together, eating, watching more TV, just sitting together, and talking about all the frivolous things. Dean was clearly nervous about spilling everything first, Cas saw him as he continually opened his mouth, before clasping it tight, taking a shaky breath, and gritting his teeth, after the 8th time Cas made a decision.

"My father blamed me for my mothers death, so he used to beat me, everyday" the sentence hung between them heavy, leaving Dean slightly shocked by it's sudden appearance all he could do was stare at Cas' bowed, head. Taking a shaky breath Cas kneaded his hands nervously, eyes flickering sideways every now and then, to look at Dean. After a terse silence Dean finally found his voice.

"Cas...I...you don't...unless you want..but...Cas", Dean sighed clearly frustrated by his own incoherence, straightening up Cas looked at Dean and smiled gently as he placed his hand on his shoulder.

"it's okay Dean, I want to tell you...if you'll listen, I want to tell you", Cas said softly , blue eyes drowning in green a gentle plea in those cerulean irises.

"of course I'll listen...if you want to tell me, I'll listen", Dean replied just as gently as he took Cas' hand in his and gazing at it, as if it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, Cas gulped feeling heat pool in the pit of his stomach as Dean's gentle touches and strokes scorched his skin, he leaned in unconsciously, but Dean noticed, slowly and almost in slow motion he met cas half way placing a lingering kiss to base of Cas' neck, his lips moving gently over the pale expanse of skin, hearing the surprised gasp that fell from Cas' lips, Dean pulled back smiling.

"see...not going anywhere, not again", Dean said calmly, enjoying Cas flushed expression. Staring into Dean's eyes, Cas sighed smiling back before continuing.

"my mother died giving birth to me, there were some complications and she bleed out...", Cas took a shaky breath, Dean squeezed his hand.

"I was supposed to be a miracle but I ended up being a curse...for the first few years my father was too depressed to do anything but as I got older, I must have started to resemble her too much...it was almost as if a switched had been flicked...at first it was just verbal abuse...murderer, abomination, useless, worthless, you're nothing, nothing, die, I wished you'd died instead.."Cas paused unable to go on, Dean shuffled closer and began to gently rub his back.

"s'okay Cas...I'm here.. we can stop...", taking a shaky breath, Cas offered Dean a weak smile before shaking his head.

"... it got worse after awhile because I refused to react to the verbal abuse.. so he began to hit me... a shove here, punch there, a kick...a belt, I started wearing long sleeves to school...and as for my brothers he slowly poisoned them against me...Gabriel the middle child tried to help but he got sick of our father and disappeared just as I started high school... at that time I started having feelings towards guys...my father caught me kissing a guy in my room...he found new words to call me as he beat me...faggot...your mother didn't die to give birth to an abomination...hell is where you belong...filth...filth" Cas was almost sobbing now, Dean held him as he buried his face in Dean's broad chest.

"Cas stop...you can-", Dean was stopped by Cas suddenly snapping his head, teary but determined blue eyes staring up at Dean, and then another gentle shake of the head.

"that beating almost killed me...after that I pretended to be a good little Christian boy, the beatings and abuse still came but it wasn't as bad...it was coming up to my final year of high school, I'd applied to colleges that were far from home...but then" Cas paused, his eyes momentarily darkening, his voice cooling.

"Cas..you okay", staring into Dean's worried green forest Cas' expression softened.

"I'm okay Dean..I met Meg, she seemed to materialize out of nowhere and I was enthralled, she was the first girl I ever felt anything for, I was infatuated, nothing mattered to me anymore, nothing but Meg...she convinced me to stay in state and go to the local college...so I did, we were together all throughout college, and then after I graduated, I proposed and she said yes.. the first year was hard, she'd grown tired of me..I had just started working at a local accounting firm, something happened and everyone was sent home early...I came home and found Meg...with another man", it was like all the air had suddenly been taken from Cas' lungs, Dean reached out and held his face.

"Cas...its okay..you're okay", Dean pleaded leaning forward and kissing away the salty tears, trying to calm Cas's uneven breathing. Shaking his head, Cas's trembling hands grasped Deans gently pulling them into his lap holding tightly.

"she...she wasn't even sorry, she groaned in frustration, like I was wrong to interrupt before getting out of bed and muttering something like 'I don't get paid enough for this'...turns out my father had found her on some website years ago, she was only supposed to help me find the errors of my homosexual ways...make me stay and then leave..but Meg had other ideas she wanted more money, so she let me get in deeper, threatening my father about revealing things...she told me she was glad she didn't have to keep pretending to be in love with a hapless man like me...I asked whether she ever loved me, she told me in the beginning she found me kind of sweet..I asked how long she's been sleeping with other men...since the second year of college she said...I confronted my father, he laughed saying at least he wouldn't have to continue to pay that whore..." Cas paused, too much pain coursing through those baby blues and Dean was at a loss.

"Cas...I don't know what...I", Dean tried slowly as Cas lay his head on his shoulder.

"...her betrayal was the most painful feeling imaginable...worse then my father's beating... than my brothers words and lack of support..worse then believing I'd killed my mother... so like an idiot I ran back to Meg, telling her that it didn't matter, that I loved her, that we could work out, she laughed and then looked me dead in the eye...snap out of it Clarence, there's nothing for you here, burn this place to the ground and then fuck off far away... and then she kissed me on the cheek and she was gone, I took her advice and left, moved to this city, a year later I got signed divorce papers through the post, and that was that, I never spoke to any of my family... I isolated myself, kept my head down... till I met you", sighing Cas closed his eyes inhaling Dean's scent musky, earthy comforting, Dean lightly nudged Cas, gently lifting his head before pressing his lips to cas', working his plump lips over Cas' chapped mouth, tasting the salt tears, inhaling the sweet and yet clean scent that was distinctly Cas', pulling pack, he ran his hand through his hair, huffing out a nervous laugh.

"you're killing me here Cas...", Dean said, Cas face twisted with confusion.

"I don 't understand Dea-", he was cut off by another rash kiss, making him gasping at the suddenness, pulling back dean smiled again.

"I'm trying to say...that I'm falling for you , you idi-"this time it was Dean who was cut off by Cas' urgent lips.

AN: this was supposed to be a smutty fanfic, but turns out I'm a sentimental at heart so yeah, there will be smut, just a bit later, anyway thanks for reading, favs and reviews are really appreciated :)