Chapter 8: kill and save me
It took Cas two days to get his apartment back in shape and return to work, where he pointedly ignored the concerned glances of his colleagues, providing them instead with vague answers to their questions. He tried calling Dean, but his calls always went straight to voice message, so he tried waiting for Dean's call with a sort of pathetic optimism.
Two days, turned to three, three turned to four, four turned into a week, and Cas was beginning to lose his mind, he'd already lost his heart.
Another week passed, 15 days, two weeks, half a month, so many hours, minutes, seconds without Dean, a burning silence was all that was left and then there was a sharp knock at the door. Cas almost tripped as he ran to the door, yanking it open his hope died a little as he was met with distressed hazel eyes.
"Sam..", he breathed tiredly.
"Castiel...can I come in", Cas nodded stepping aside and letting Sam in before leading him to the dining table.
"how can I help you Sam..", and then the gangly man with warm eyes simply broke down and began sobbing, startling Cas who simply watched with wide uncertain eyes.
"Cas-tiel...please help my brother...he doesn't sleep..he doesn't eat...he won't even leave his apartment...all he does is drink...", salty tears fell against large hands, as Sam's gaze left Cas.
"Sam..I don't know what you want me to do...he doesn't want me near him.. he doesn't", calming down Sam fixed Cas with a strange gaze.
"he was lying...you're all he needs right now..he was lying" the urgency with which Sam spoke caught Cas off guard , there was such certainty.
"Sam-" Cas began trying to understand what was going on.
"you still care about him..don't you?", asked Sam pleadingly, there was a long pause and then defeated blue eyes gazed up at the young brother.
"I've been miserable...without him", Cas said quietly as his own tears began rolling down his pale cheeks.
"so will you help him...there's no one but you Castiel please", Sam begged.
"I'll try...I'll try, I'd do anything for Dean", Cas said more firmly.
Cas made a call to work that very day, asking for a leave of absence, he told his boss his father had died and he needed to mourn, the boss offered his condolences and told him to take as long as he needed.
Stumbling out of his bathroom, having emptied out his bowls, Dean was convinced he was still drunk because sitting placidly on his sofa, suitcase in tow was Cas.
"Dean", Cas called calmly.
"C-Ca-Cas...", Dean uttered in disbelief, Cas stood patting his coat as he stared at Dean with those god-damn eyes.
"Hello Dean, have you been well", Cas' gravelly deep voice inquired, Dean stumbled forward grasping the lapels of the smaller man's jacket.
"what the hell are you doing here..how...why", anger, frustration, despair, Cas could here it all.
"Sam", Cas breathed overwhelmed by being so close to Dean again, to be able to inhale his earthy scent, to hear his voice, to see his eyes.
"damn it Sammy!", Dean gritted releasing Cas.
"I don't know what he told you...but you need to leave", Cas stared at Deans back suddenly feeling the need to take a deep breath.
"he didn't tell me anything...just that you needed me", Cas said evenly, slowly Dean turned his tired green eyes landing on Cas warm baby blues.
"Do you pity me..Cas" Cas stopped breathing those troubled green eyes were tearing his soul apart.
"No, I don't...I just want to be near you..in whatever capacity...friend..confident...acquaintance...anything", Cas replied
"leave Cas-tiel...just leave", taking a deep breath Cas sat back down.
"I'm not leaving..I'm going to stay, I won't leave you", Dean was suddenly towering over Cas, a face of thunder.
"have you lost the plot.. are you an idiot, who stays where they're not wanted", standing up, Cas smiled gently.
"do you remember what you said to me, when I was feeling down...you told me I deserved the world, and that anyone who said otherwise was a liar...Dean you deserve the world and anyone whose said otherwise is a liar", Dean groaned running his hand through his head in frustration.
"you better be gone by morning", Dean said coolly before turning and slamming his bedroom door shut, leaving Cas standing in the small living room.
Sinking down onto the couch Cas took a shaky breath, this was going to be long, but he wouldn't abandon Dean, even if he pushed him away, he was going to risk everything on the way he felt about that impossible man with the sad green eyes.
Dean was woken up by the smell of something cooking, groggily he stumbled into the kitchen, his eyes coming to focus on the small man, standing in his the kitchen, using his stove, cooking his bacon, feeling a presence, nervous blue eyes turned to meet green.
Eyes narrowing, mouth disappearing into a thin line, cool words left the faintly open lips.
"I told you to be gone", Cas gulped.
"I..I..couldn't do it...couldn't leave you", Cas stammered nervously, Dean's heart stuttered uneasily but his face betrayed nothing, walking over he grabbed the plate in Cas' hand, Cas held it tight gazing back at Dean.
"throw this away...And leave", Dean insisted the plate began shaking between them, Cas shook his head in defiance, as Dean suddenly let go of the plate, Cas wasn't prepared and the plate slipped out of his grasp shattering against the hard wood, Cas jumped back, while Dean stared wide-eyed with a sort of nervous panic at the mess before gazing back at Cas.
"it's okay..I'll clean it up, it was my fault", as Cas bent down to reach for a pieces of the plate, Dean grabbed his wrist pulling him back, confused blue eyes landed on Dean.
""leave it...and leave", Dean said coolly, Cas offered Dean a small smile.
"no one has ever moved my heart like you do Dean...so I will stay with you", Cas stated firmly, Dean's heart thumped against his ribcage as he became lost in the beauty of Cas' eyes, the line of his nose, the shape of his chapped lips, the contours of his cheek bones, gulping he released his arm.
"you and me..are over Castiel, I want you gone", Dean stated calmly as he turned and headed back to his room, Cas remained frozen on the spot as he watched Dean leave.
As he sank down on the bed, Dean shook his head trying to shatter the image of those hopeful blue eyes, it was taking every bit of his strength to push Cas away, especially when he was so close.
After clearing up, Cas prepared another plate and placed it outside Dean's room, he stood just staring at the door, before sighing and walking into the living room.
When Dean finally emerged from his room, his cold breakfast had been replaced with lunch, and then dinner, he found Cas slumped on the sofa asleep, the TV flickering fluorescent light over his pretty features, kneeling down Dean's hand reached out, but stopped just shy of touching Cas' face, taking a shaky breath he stood up and marched out slamming the door behind him, Cas jolted up rubbing his weary eyes as he stared at the front door. Staggering to his feet he headed to Dean's room, finding it empty, he sighed as picked up the untouched food and wrapped it up before slumping back on the sofa.
It was 1 in the morning when Dean finally crashed in, Cas sat up, book falling from his lap, seeing Dean struggle Cas ran to his side clutching his arm in support, Dean gazed down at the wide blue eyes and his heart began to cry, as he tore the arm away and shoved Cas back.
"don't touch me!...why aren't you gone", Dean's harsh voice rang out through the flat, Cas regained his composure very quickly and took a deliberately big step towards Dean, ignoring Dean's words his eyes fixed on the cuts on his face, his slender fingers rose and gently traced the wounds.
"are you okay...you're hurt.. it must hurt", the concern in that small warm voice struck Dean anew, he reacted by by smacking Cas' hand, who didn't even flinch "let me help you...Dean please", the plea in Cas' voice almost did it, but then Dean remembered what he'd done to that kind face, and he pushed him aside stumbled into his room, and slammed the door shut. Cas leaned against the door " Dean...why won't you let me help..why" Cas asked quietly.
It was almost 3 in the morning when Cas heard the screaming, he jolted up and ran towards Deans room, flinging the door open he found Dean thrashing violently on the bed, sweat pouring soaking his shirt, face tight and twitching with fear, anger and pain. Cas approached softly, gently laying his hand across Dean's Forehead, lips by his ear, he began to sooth him.
"you're okay Dean, nothing can hurt you...you're safe, you're safe, you're okay", Cas continued until Dean's thrashing ended, and his breathing eased, Cas knelt on the floor by Dean's bed, slowly stroking his hair.
And that was how Dean found him the next morning, crumpled on the cold floor, head resting against the side of his bed , arms wrapped around himself, his face pale from the cold. Dean let out a heavy sigh as he tore his gaze away from Cas as his mind slowly remembered the soothing voice that had gently pulled him out of the darkness. Dean suddenly sat up jolting the bed and waking Cas, who fell slightly to the side as his balanced was disturbed, a little red in the face he stumbled to his feet and found himself staring at the side of Dean's face.
"My bedroom is off limits", Dean stated coldly, not looking at Cas.
"I'm sorry...I was trying to help", Cas tried desperately wishing Dean would look at him.
"you being here...just makes me angry, I'd wish you'd leave", there was no warmth in Dean's voice, just a distant coldness, Cas' heart thrummed nervously in his chest, as he tried to but failed to smile.
"I'll m-make..breakfast", Cas said instead as he turned and practically ran out of Dean's room.
Again the food remained untouched, again Dean left without a word, again he returned drunk, again he had painful nightmares, except this time Cas wasn't there to sooth him, because he'd locked the door. This destructive cycle continued on for a few nights, till the crashing from Dean's room was too loud, his cries too gut wrenching, and Cas couldn't take. He almost tore his arm breaking the door down, he staggered in to find the whole room wrecked, and Dean shaking in the corner, Cas approached slowly.
Kneeling down, he took in the small cuts on Deans' arms and face, the way he was shaking, the sweat that had soaked his shirt, and he felt his eyes tearing up.
"Dean..its me...Dean... are you okay", Cas asked gently, slowly a head rose up and teary tired pained green eyes met blue.
"C-Cas..", Dean croaked, and the tears began to fall from sad blue eyes, edging closer Cas raised his hand letting settle in Dean's hair.
"please..let me help you..please", Cas murmured through his tears, Cas hands lowered as his fingers began tracing the cuts on Dean's face "watching you destroy yourself...watching you hurt yourself it's killing me..so please", Dean's own eyes began leaking the tears blurring his vision.
"don't cry...Cas..I really hate it when you're sad", Dean said slowly , edging even closer, Cas settled on either side of Dean's face.
"then stop pushing me away.." Dean gazed into Cas' beautiful blue eyes and lowered his head, falling forward he rested it against Cas' chest.
"you should leave Cas, I'm not worth your time", Dean murmured into Cas chest, Cas' arms wrapped around Dean as he ran a soothing hand through his hair.
"maybe you weren't listening last time so I'll say it again..no one moves my heart like you do..Dean so let me stay with you", hearing those words again set Dean off, and he began sobbing into Cas' chest.
AN: yep I'm a sap, I can't help myself, I'm sorry for the lack of updates I will try harder, thank you for reading, favs, follows, and reviews, it is extremely appreciated.:)