AN: Trigger warning this chapter contains, homophobic language, torturish scene, and attempted suicide…another warning this is a very exposition heavy chapter so just brace yourself. Anyway as usual thanks for reading, reviews and follows are always appreciated.

Chapter 10: Confessions part 3

"Dean we don't have to do it all tonight", Cas said gently,

Shaking his head, Dean offered a reassuring smile "I want to cas…I need to", the determination in dean's eyes surprised Cas.

"okay Dean…okay", Cas replied calmly, before giving him a reassuring squeeze.

"….it all changed the day I was sent to a different precinct for extra training, I wanted to be a homicide detective… and that's where I met Tom Johnson…my heart felt like it was exploding Cas, I'd never felt anything so intense, I was sure I was dying, and when he shook my hand his touch burnt, but the good kinda burn y'know… I was confused and god dam terrified… I bottled it down, I'd thought I was straight all my life, I thought I loved Lisa…I was scared and hoped that the feelings would pass, but it got worse and worse…it hurt to be away from him. And when I was with Lisa I felt guilty for having these feelings… but staying away made it worse, I started to long for those warm brown eyes, that mischievous smile, I wanted to run my hands through his auburn hair… the temptation was made worse by the fact that he wanted me too…also me and Lisa had been arguing a lot, and after a real bad row I ended up in a bar, drank up the whole place, and in my haze I called him. He came…very quickly that's when I told him that I didn't want to go home, he said he'd let me sleep on his sofa, when we got to his place, I suddenly got really angry, and cursed at him, basically confessed, he didn't say anything he just gave me an easy and kind smile, and it just mad me madder so I tried to punch him but I stumbled and he caught me and held me close, I don't remember who closed the gap first, but that night we had our first kiss. After that I'd go see him and we'd do a little more each time…I tried acting like a good husband, while cheated on her…I felt disgusting, I knew I was going to hell…one evening Lisa seemed really nervous, and that's when she told me ….she was pregnant, my heart sank, I was sure we'd been careful. The following morning was the first time I tried to break it off with Tom, but we ended up having sex for the first time…we tried to break up a few more times, but the feelings were too strong…even after the baby we continued, but eventually one of the other officers Crowley found out and began blackmailing us. Our money, our time, our minds he wanted them all. Tom wanted to come clean he said he was sick of living this lie. But I wouldn't have it...to show me he was serious he came out to the station", Dean's fist clinched tight, his breathing staggering.

"Dean, are you okay", Cas asked gently, Dean smiled a little and nodded.

"….he got so much abuse, and I didn't say a fuckin word, one evening I'm at home with Lisa and our two year old son Ben, when my phone started to ring, it was Tom but I ignored it…the next morning I found out why, Tom had been attacked by some guys… I was sure it was cops… they'd followed him back to his home, had trashed the place, d-defiled him…and then beat him into a coma, I decided to listen to the messages…dean I think I'm being followed…my phone's dying…I think someone's broken in…I tried calling the station but nothing happened…dean I'm scared…please answer my call, my phone's almost dead and I think something's happened to my landline. After the incident things only got worse, the guy who had been blackmailing us must've got bored, because he revealed me and Tom's relationship…all hell broke loose...all the abuse Tom got transferred to me but it was worse because I was a married man with a son…faggot was keyed into my car, I'd get the occasionally beating people coughing 'cocksucker' as I walked by…it only took a week and half to send me back to Kansas, everyone knew why I was back…the look of disgust on my father's face still haunts me…and when he got drunk, homophobic slurs weren't enough so he'd beat me, I took it passively, I was sure I deserved it…I made quite a few hospital visits those first few weeks back, ribs, wrists, hands they kept breaking, also Tom wasn't doing well he had a substantial brain injury, it kept bleeding and they kept opening it , he wasn't going to make it, but my dad had me monitored so I couldn't go to him, and Lisa…well at first she just pretended that nothing had happen", Dean laughed a little disbelieving

"but then she'd get mad, throw slurs, break things, call me a faggot, the cycle kept going and then came the worst day of my life, I was sitting in the kitchen alone drinking when my phone rang, it was the hospital, they told me Tom wasn't going to make it through the night, I think my heart stopped beating…I ran upstairs and got dressed and then went to search for my keys, when I got downstairs Lisa was there. Where are you going…she's asked, but she knew, we got into a bad swearing match…she kept bringing up Ben…having had enough I opened the door when she screamed…Ben isn't even your son! I stopped and looked at her…then whose is he, I'd asked calmly. Adam your old partner…see I'm the not the only one whose been fuckin a cop…and then she waited, I think she thought I was going to close the door and talk, but I closed it behind me got in my car and drove off towards the hospital…but she called my dad and since I was being monitored …they followed and then ran me off the road…, my head was bleeding, my vision was blurry…I'd stumbled out the car and tried to run, but they held me down, I kept thrashing but they held me down and took turns punching me into unconsciousness" Dean was trembling his eyes wide as he monetarily relived the experience.

"… when I woke up, I had a rope around my neck, I was standing on a Stool, surrounded by timbre my old squad around me… do you know what they used to do with faggots back then boy, Alister my dad's right hand had asked, I was in so much pain, I said nothing.. "they didn't even hang em they threw them in with the kindling, help set the fire for the witches", and then he lit a match and chucked it at the timbre, I began to panic, the memories of the fire that killed my mum fresh in my mind, I began coughing and sweating, but I didn't want to move too much, I'd knock the stool, hang myself, every time it got close to eating the stool away, they'd put it out and restart again, the rope began ripping into my neck my blood run all the way down to my burnt feet, I lost conscious a few times and almost snapped my neck but they'd wake me each time. They began arguing amongst themselves some saying they'd gone far enough, other's saying who'd really care if I accidentally died, one of the men Benny went off, he was panicking and thought they'd gone way too far, he secretly called pastor Michael", Dean paused feeling a tremor looking down he noticed that Cas' hands were shaking, he raised his worried gaze to meet blurry blue eyes, watching as large droplets of tears cascaded down pale cheeks reaching out his fingers he gently wiped them away.

"Don't cry Cas, I'm okay now… do you want me to stop", Dean asked, Cas shook his head laughing a little at the strangeness of the situation, he was supposed to be comforting Dean.

"I'm sorry… keep going", Cas said quietly, Dean simply nodded.

"pastor Michael came with members of his congregation, friends and family members of some of the officers, they were heavily armed and when some of those cops saw the judgement in their eyes it snapped most of them out of their trance and they stepped away and let the congregation cut me down…I was taken to hospital, skin was peeling off my feet and hands, my lungs were shot, I had internal bleeding a head injury, broken ribs, sever cuts around my neck, I shouldn't have made it through the night…but I did, it took about two weeks to be able to sit up by then Tom was…Tom was….dead, Lisa and Ben had moved in with Adam, and my dad had removed me from the family register…and Sam, had come down, I woke up to find him by my bed, his eyes red and puffy, pastor Michael had told him everything… I remember the pain in his eyes when his gaze met mine, I must've looked pretty bad because he began crying and apologizing…I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry…I'm sorry he kept saying over and again, and I would keep telling that it was okay, this went on for 2 hours… after that he just talked, he didn't mention the incident or our dad just that I'd be coming to live with him and his girlfriend in Standford, he said he's stay with me till I recovered then he'd go up for few days to sort things out…and that's what happened, Sammy stayed for a month until I was physically recovered and then he made me stay with pastor Michael…, after a few days I finally went to see Tom's grave, it was in shallow cheap government issued hole in the ground, he didn't have any family, no one to make proper funeral arrangements. His name had been scrolled in black marker pen across a cheap wooden cross... And it was all my fault, it was all my fault, I lost it then and tried to kill myself that night…pastor Michael found me in a church pew bleeding, I'd sliced my writs. When I woke up Sam was back, he wasn't sad, or crying, he just looked really angry…and defeated…do you want to make me into an orphan….I've lost my mom, abandoned my dad. And now you want to make me bury you…my own brother is what he'd said before he grabbed my hands and wrapped them around his neck…you're the only family I have, if you're going to leave, take me with you… and then he broke down and so did I…after that I never intentionally tried to kill myself again, a week later I was in Stanford and have been here for the last 3 years…That's about it", Dean finished, Cas just gazed at Dean as fresh tears began falling over those long dark lashes.

"I…I don't even know how to begin ease your pain...how, how can I help you… what can I give you, what can I give so you won't be in pain anymore", Dean smiled gently it seemed Cas really didn't understand what he did to him, what those endless blue eyes did to his soul, how his touch made every cell in his body tremble, and fact that his voice made his heart forget how to breathe, leaning forward Dean rested his forehead against Cas'.

"give me your love Cas… that's all I want", Dean murmured through his tears, his breath staggering as pair of chapped lips gently pressed against his mouth.

"you've had it for a long time already", Cas whispered, leaning in again this time it was Dean who reclaimed Cas lips, it was gentle and loving at first but it soon became more intense as Dean dragged his tongue across the seams of Cas' lips, gently prying his mouth open, slowly swallowing the breathy sigh that fell from Cas' lips, and as he devoured Cas' lips he pressed his body into Cas' lean frame pining him to the sofa as he further melded their mouths, it was only oxygen that tore them part.

"Promise me something Cas..." Dean murmured breathlessly

"Anything..." Cas breathed out

"Don't ever go away, stay with me for a very long time", Cas smiled

"I will, for a very long time and forever after that", Cas replied , closing his eyes a goofy smile on his face Dean readjusted his body, laying his head on Cas chest where the rapid murmur of cas' heartbeat had already begun soothing his soul.