The lyrics for this chapter are from Regina Spector's „The Call".

"And you haven't lost me. Christina, you'll never lose me."

Well, I did. I lost Tris, and Uriah, and Will, and it sucks. Not all of the time, but… most of it. I think sometimes I only get up because I have to look after Four. Who'd have thought a Stiff keeps me alive.
But then, he's not a Stiff anymore. Probably never was. I'm not ready to damn the factions, not yet, but I guess we never were as clear-cut as we thought we were. Or as I thought, at least.

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope

I wonder what Will would say to all of this. Every day I wonder about it.

Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

I know that those questions don't matter anymore. It's not as if creeping into his mind and understand his thoughts would get him back. I know that.
But I also know that I have about eighty more years to live, and our world, dizzily spinning as it is right now and has been for the past two years, will sometimes be calm again. At least here.
I will find a place to live. And according to Cara and her statistics, I will fall in love again.

I don't want to. I guess I will want to, one day, but right now… I want Will. I want him back. And Tris.

I want them back.

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I want it all back.
What were we fighting for, exactly? There are no factionless anymore, but there are still are people roaming the streets, homeless. It's the same as before, just without the safety of the factions.

I belonged to Candor, even though I didn't want to live there. Needing to leave was part of my identity, and of Will's – that was what brought us together in the first place, I think. We both felt like we couldn't stay where we were born, but that doesn't mean we didn't love our old factions.

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

Was it real? My sister is so used to this new world by now, I doubt she'll ever tell her children about the factions.
Children. In the first weeks after Tris' death I sometimes dreamt of what could have been. Very disturbing dreams, of her and me getting pregnant. Stupid. I mean, Will and I slept together once, but… seriously, kids?

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are

I guess Tris and I would have stayed friends if we had the chance, but Will and Four?
Four's… an idiot. Much less now after being with Tris than before, but he still is one. I mean, who lets his dead girlfriend's friend commanding him?

As you head off to the war

Then again… if it wasn't for him, I probably wouldn't be here, either. Tris teamed us pretty well, I have to give her that.
She was desperate, and scared, even if she tried to hide it, but still she made sure we would keep on going. No matter what. She was braver than I was, and smarter… more like Will than I ever could be, but my jealousy about that is long gone. What's the point in being jealous of dead people, anyway?
If anything, I envy them their peace. Every day is a battle we have to fight, Four and me, and I guess Zeke and Shauna as well. Maybe even Cara, though she'd never admit that even to herself.
God, I'm siding with the wrong people. How am I supposed to go on if I'm surrounded by the past?

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

But being with Will was the best thing that ever happened to me. And I know that Tris was the best thing, by far the best, that ever could happen to Four. We were lucky to have them. I mean, were both better now than we were before.

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Sometimes I think I can go on. Some days are good, and I'm happy that I'm alive, and I'm actually looking forward to the next eighty years.
And then I remember that my boyfriend is dead, and my best friend is dead – and Tris was not only my friend. She also was one of the people who knew Will best. Apart from Cara, of course, but she will always see him only as he was in Erudite. It was Tris and I who saw him, remembered him as he wanted to be. As he was.
My Will.

And that's when I understand why Four wanted to take the memory serum, and when I curse myself for not doing it myself, even if it makes my life a lie, because I'm alone, I'm alone with all the memories and the pain and the longing.
I just watched my best friend's ashes being littered. She was sixteen.

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and now one knows yet

I remain. I know who we were, and Four does too, at least concerning Tris. That does make it easier sometimes, but not often. Not really. Cause no matter how vivid she is in our thoughts, she'll never come back or talk to us.
And once we move away, or die – I don't want to think about how – it will all be lost.

But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

I suppose I can't live on memories, can I? I want them back. I want those people back because they made me who I am now. They're the ones who made me… I don't know. Likeable. Good. Less Candor and more… I don't know. I can't know without them. I want Will, I want Tris, I want to see her, now, not only in Four's memories!

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes

But they've become all I have.