Though I really really love Four still being grieving in the epilogue of "Allegiant" I think he'd deserve a little closure. Alright, maybe it's just me needing a closure and something halfway happy for him.
Anyway, enjoy reading and I'd be thankful for a review! Lyrics come from "If I never knew you", featured on the album of Disney's "Pocahontas". And the very last quote comes from the book.

If I never knew you
If I never felt this love
I would have no inkling of
How precious life can be

I guess sleep will never find me easily, but I have found ways to cope with that. As I have, to my own surprise, found ways to cope with everything that happened.
I'm still here. I'm here, at the roof of the Hancock building – running has always been one of my favorite ways of dealing, and combining streets with stairs makes it feel even better - and wait for the sun to reach me. I'm waiting, which means I care – for myself, for my job, for my life.
Life. It still feels strange, this chaos we threw ourselves in voluntarily. The factions are long buried, officially, and also in the heads of the people I think I they are slowly dying.
I like to think Tris would be proud of us.

And if I never held you
I would never have a clue
How at last I'd find in you
The missing part of me.

If it wasn't for her, nothing of this would have happened. I used to be angry at first, thinking how she seemed the only reason my life gained its worth and then leaving me back to nothing, but it's not like that.
Tris didn't only build up me, and my life is not worthless without her. It still seems that way, every once in a while, it's a very thin line between gratefulness and despair, but I get better at not crossing it.
I was afraid I would lose her – and I've lost much, I lost her hair in the wind and the shape of her fingers, I lost her first weeks in Dauntless, before I really got to know her – but the truth is, she'll never be gone completely.

She is everywhere. And I know what she wants me to do. She never lied to me in this at least. I know I have to be strong, and help this new world unfolding.

In this world so full of fear
Full of rage and lies
I can see the truth so clear
In your eyes
So dry your eyes

There are days when I can't help asking myself whether I wasn't better off if I had never met her. I probably would have died somewhere in the slaughtering of the Abnegation, fighting my new faction to protect my old, but we all die, don't we?
No matter how hard we fight we can't escape, nor can't make those we love escape death.

And I'm so grateful to you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Lost forever
If I never knew you

Then again, there was not much of a life for me before I met Tris. And even less love.

I thought our love would be so beautiful
Somehow we'd make the whole world bright
I never knew that fear and hate could be so strong
all they'd leave us were these whispers in the night
But still my heart is saying we were right

The first sunlight creeping up will always bring her memory back, I know that now. The memory of our first and last morning. The night before is blurred, though I haven't repeated the act to keep the feeling intact (something Christina hates me for, because it makes her feel guilty for sleeping with other men by now. Who'd thought I would ever talk about things as this to anybody?). But the look in Tris' eyes is burnt into my brain. We had just gone through our most difficult time together. If I think about it now… but I can't think about that.

When she looked at me that morning there was no insecurity in her eyes, no lie. No doubts that any of us was not enough. For each other, for the world, for everything. I felt like I had just done something right, something strong and lasting.
Then she died and I realized that nothing would last. Nothing.

There's no moment I regret
Since that moment that we met
If our time has gone too fast
I've lived at last

I was wrong. Some things remain. And even if everything good should fade away… I would not want to change anything we've done together. I would have died if it meant her life, and some nights feel like I have to die anyway, without her.
But the thought of never knowing her is even worse. I know who I am now, and what I have to do, and where I belong.
I knew nothing of that before I met Tris.

And if I never knew you
If I never knew you
I'd have lived my whole life through
Empty as the sky
Never knowing why
Lost forever
If I never knew you

The shadows of our city look darker now against the golden sunlight, reflecting from the glass. This day will be beautiful for so many people. I will force myself to find it beautiful, too, and it will work. At least for some time.
I know now that life is worth living. Tris gave me that feeling, she gave me the feeling of being worthy to live and to enjoy what we have.
Of course, with her I lost the most precious of my life, the truest reason to love life. But I know that she would want me to go on, and somehow… the more I came to love her, the more she became my world, the more I realized other things and people worth living for.
Life.
It still feels strange, but I think I am ready to live it.
For her.

Some days are harder than others, but I am ready to live each one of them.

For Tris.