Larchpaw struggled through the mountains of cats coming to congratulate Starpaw. The purple she-cat beamed (making Larchpaw wonder if she could break her weird mind-control thing if she knocked a few teeth out) and mewed "Thank you! Thank you! I'm so humble, I know!"
Okay, Larchpaw had made up that last comment, but she wasn't too far off. Then again, it was hard to even hear herself think, over the high pitched shouts of "Ohhhh! Your so kawaii!" and "Oh my mouse-tails! Your gonna be the best apprentice EVER!" If she ever made it out of this without being to insane, she would flay Bluestar. Maybe even Yellowfang if she was feeling brave. Finally, she stumbled out of the mass of warriors, panting for breath - they looked like they had all had about five mice too many and had yet to realize that. Put simply, they were all incredibly 'plump'. Once she'd caught her breath, she shambled into the apprentice den, growling to herself. The (already not especially long) fuse that kept her from exploding into a whirlwind of brown tabby fury, was about a mouse-tail long.
Inside the apprentice den, there were still two cats. Larchpaw was unsure how that was even possible, because it had felt like she had clawed her way past all the cats in Thunderclan (and half the cats in Shadowclan too) as she escaped the unholy mass of star-struck cats. One of the she-cats was as bizarrely colored as Starpaw - she had a bluish grey pelt with shiny blue sparkles and cerulean eyes. The other cat was slightly more normal, but even then she was still weird - she had a bright, fiery orange pelt and dual colored eyes. Well, Larchpaw thought, at least they don't have stars on their heads. Both of them looked around the same age - eight moons.
The blue she-cat nodded to her, "Hey Gli- I mean Larchpaw. I'm so happy Starpaw will be sharing our den! Aren't you? Your lucky, you got to have the Nursery with her." The ginger she-cat nodded in agreement "She's sooo kawaii!"
Larchpaw crumpled down into a nest. Even though she knew if she fell asleep, she was going to see Starclan, and that if she saw Starclan she would almost certainly bite their whiskers off; if she heard the sentence "Starpaw's so kawaii," she would claw her ears off. And probably the ears of whatever cat had the misfortune of sitting next to her. So she forced herself to close her eyes and fall asleep...
Hah. You thought that was the end didn't you. Psyche!
"You." Larchpaw had just started to fall asleep when she heard the high and haughty voice of Starpaw. Hesitantly, she opened her eyes. Starpaw was looming over the ginger, dual-eyed apprentice who was still sitting next her sparkly blue friend, with yet another female apprentice guarding her back. Quickly the ginger (who Larchpaw decided to think of as Cooleyes until she learned her actual name due to the author's laziness) bolted to her paws "Starpaw! It's so great you're gonna share a den with me n' Lakepaw now!" Starpaw somehow managed to look down her snout while looking up at the older she-cat. "Yeah. Since that's going to be the case, your going to have to move. I've gotta sleep in the middle, of course. Shoo!"
Cooleyes blinked for a moment, "Y-yeah, sounds good Starpaw," she mewed before slipping into a moss nest near the edge of the den. Lakepaw placed her grey-blue tail on her flank gently. Starpaw plopped down in the nest before leaping back up as if she'd been burned. "That is nowhere near fluffy enough moss for someone as delicate as I to lie upon! Jazzpaw, fluff that up right away!"
Larchpaw closed her eyes again. Sure, it was awful that poor Cooleyes had to sleep with the cold breeze blowing up her fur, but there was nothing to be done about that. Mind control is mind control and she and her friend seemed to still be under it. Resigned to sleep, Larchpaw blocked out Starpaw demanding that Jazzpaw de-fluff her moss a bit because it was far too fluffy for her to sleep in.
Larchpaw awoke in Starclan. She recognized the place instantly - it was beautiful, sunny meadow with large boulders perfect for sunning yourself. She had dumped enough slugs onto sleeping cats with Hollykit to also know that had no convenient tree roots to trip over. Perfect, she thought, I could make a swift get-away if I accidentally flay someone. Preferably whatever mouse-brained version of Bluestar they have here.
"Sorry to disappoint you Larchpaw," a rough voice purred "But there won't be any flaying."
Larchpaw sighed "I said that out loud didn't I."
A spiky furred tom smiled down at her from one of the rocks, his teeth like jagged thorns. In an instant, she recognized him.
"Thistleclaw!? What are you doing here?!"
Sorry this update's a bit late! It's not as long as I hoped, but I wanted to leave you a cliff hanger. I know, I'm evil. Soon I'll get an allegiance up and it'll have some context and notes and stuff. Also, may I just give a (pretty happy) shout-out to Kiwi-Caught-In-Silky-Breeze and Pokesnail for helping this story get nominated for the best-up-and-coming-spoof on the award fic "The Next Big Thing"! We didn't win, but came in close second. I'm done bragging now. Thank you guys so much and please R&R!