She sat still, just looking at it. Her arms folded, her forehead creased, she could feel the tension throbbing between her eyes at the bridge of her nose.
The chocolate bar lay before her on the coffee table, it's wrapper smooth and glossy in the glow of the table lamp.
She glanced at the clock. 2:26AM...
Never before had she had so much trouble debating the fate of a chocolate bar.
She looked again at the time – thought of the little book of tokens that she had in her coat pocket. She found herself thinking over all of the conversations that she had had that day withConnie, trying to find something to complain about...after all, he'd said that she could call any time...
Perhaps 2:30AM was too much.
She drew up her knees to her chest and rested her chin against them, her arms wrapped tightly about her shins. She shivered and she could feel a scratch at the back of her throat, and the dull ache behind her eyes – the tell-tale sign of a cold.
She sighed, a quick huff of a sigh that left her feeling even more deflated. She didn't know what to do. All of these things that Max was doing, he was doing to make her feel good, to make her smile, to make her want him...and yet all she felt was guilt, that she couldn't do the same for him, couldn't give him what he wanted.
And at Christmas time too.
She found herself staring again at the chocolate bar. She could feel herself giving in, but reaching for it would be too much like giving in to him. And yet she still felt the ache in the very pit of her stomach when he wasn't there, still felt the catch of breath and the flutter of her chest, the flush of her cheeks when she caught sight of him, if only for the briefest of moments.
How she missed those moments, catching sight of him as he turned a corner in the hospital, how he'd toss her a wink, or just a flash of that smile. He always made her feel so...
She frowned, she couldn't think of the word. She pushed her toe against the table, millimetres from the chocolate.
So important...that was almost the right word, she thought. As if, no matter what else was going on, there was nothing that mattered to him more than her, and nothing he wouldn't do to make her happy.
So loved...that was the word.
She drew in a long breath and yawned into the back of her hand. What if she gave in? She looked again to the chocolate. What if she gave into him, and into what she wanted. She could already see the cast of disapproving looks, the comments, the laughter...would she always be a joke? And did it really matter?
She reached out for her phone that lay next to her, retrieving it from where it had slipped between two cushions. She clicked it, the screen illuminated before her and with the tap of her thumb she had Max's message on the screen before her, she hadn't deleted it. Before she could wonder why she had left it, she clicked on the number that showed at the top of it and watched in something resembling blind fear as the number dialled.
It took her a moment to raise the phone to her ear. The noise of it ringing made her jump, her body shivered and she imagined the sound of it waking Max... or perhaps he had it on silent? She almost hung up on the third ring, but the click of him picking up made her pause. She heard a scraping noise and the muffled blur of him swearing before he answered.
"Zoe?"
His voice was laced with the faraway sound of sleep and she heard him yawn silently.
She paused, all she had to do was say something...to say 'yes', to him.
"Why did you swear?"
She found herself asking, that ever-present worry, perhaps 2:43AM really was too late...too early...
She imagined him frowning.
"I had the phone upside down."
He was whispering, and she heard the creak of his bed as he rolled over.
"Are you ok?"
He asked after she failed to say anything else.
"Fine."
She said, too quickly. She closed her eyes. Fuck! Why was this all so difficult?!
"Zoe?"
He spoke again, and the sound of his voice caused a solid lump to form at the back of her throat. She made to speak but felt the hard ache of it and the prick of tears at that began to pool against her eyelids, threatening to overflow.
She tried to speak again but her breath hitched, and she sucked in an involuntary hiccup of air that sounded all too much like a sob of despair.
"Zoe?"
He spoke louder now and she could hear the worry in his voice. He seemed so far away.
"Sorry..."
She managed to whisper, a strained whisper that hurt her throat, and the tears that welled within her eyes began to spill over and she pushed herself back into the sofa, pulling up her knees tighter into her chest, clutching the phone so hard against her ear that it hurt her jaw.
"What's wrong?"
He asked, desperate now, she could hear him moving.
She shook her head, she couldn't speak, and another shuddering sob moaned from her lips.
"Don't cry..."
He whispered.
She sniffed and ran the back of her hand across her nose.
"I miss you so much."
She said, so quietly, just loud enough for him to hear, and she almost heard the twitch of a smile against his lips.
"Well, that's easily solved."
He said, and she laughed through the flurry of tears.
"You know I'll be there as quickly as I can...if you want me to."
He added, apprehension replacing his first wave of relief.
"I want you to."
She whispered.
More soon! xxx
The chocolate bar lay before her on the coffee table, it's wrapper smooth and glossy in the glow of the table lamp.
She glanced at the clock. 2:26AM...
Never before had she had so much trouble debating the fate of a chocolate bar.
She looked again at the time – thought of the little book of tokens that she had in her coat pocket. She found herself thinking over all of the conversations that she had had that day withConnie, trying to find something to complain about...after all, he'd said that she could call any time...
Perhaps 2:30AM was too much.
She drew up her knees to her chest and rested her chin against them, her arms wrapped tightly about her shins. She shivered and she could feel a scratch at the back of her throat, and the dull ache behind her eyes – the tell-tale sign of a cold.
She sighed, a quick huff of a sigh that left her feeling even more deflated. She didn't know what to do. All of these things that Max was doing, he was doing to make her feel good, to make her smile, to make her want him...and yet all she felt was guilt, that she couldn't do the same for him, couldn't give him what he wanted.
And at Christmas time too.
She found herself staring again at the chocolate bar. She could feel herself giving in, but reaching for it would be too much like giving in to him. And yet she still felt the ache in the very pit of her stomach when he wasn't there, still felt the catch of breath and the flutter of her chest, the flush of her cheeks when she caught sight of him, if only for the briefest of moments.
How she missed those moments, catching sight of him as he turned a corner in the hospital, how he'd toss her a wink, or just a flash of that smile. He always made her feel so...
She frowned, she couldn't think of the word. She pushed her toe against the table, millimetres from the chocolate.
So important...that was almost the right word, she thought. As if, no matter what else was going on, there was nothing that mattered to him more than her, and nothing he wouldn't do to make her happy.
So loved...that was the word.
She drew in a long breath and yawned into the back of her hand. What if she gave in? She looked again to the chocolate. What if she gave into him, and into what she wanted. She could already see the cast of disapproving looks, the comments, the laughter...would she always be a joke? And did it really matter?
She reached out for her phone that lay next to her, retrieving it from where it had slipped between two cushions. She clicked it, the screen illuminated before her and with the tap of her thumb she had Max's message on the screen before her, she hadn't deleted it. Before she could wonder why she had left it, she clicked on the number that showed at the top of it and watched in something resembling blind fear as the number dialled.
It took her a moment to raise the phone to her ear. The noise of it ringing made her jump, her body shivered and she imagined the sound of it waking Max... or perhaps he had it on silent? She almost hung up on the third ring, but the click of him picking up made her pause. She heard a scraping noise and the muffled blur of him swearing before he answered.
"Zoe?"
His voice was laced with the faraway sound of sleep and she heard him yawn silently.
She paused, all she had to do was say something...to say 'yes', to him.
"Why did you swear?"
She found herself asking, that ever-present worry, perhaps 2:43AM really was too late...too early...
She imagined him frowning.
"I had the phone upside down."
He was whispering, and she heard the creak of his bed as he rolled over.
"Are you ok?"
He asked after she failed to say anything else.
"Fine."
She said, too quickly. She closed her eyes. Fuck! Why was this all so difficult?!
"Zoe?"
He spoke again, and the sound of his voice caused a solid lump to form at the back of her throat. She made to speak but felt the hard ache of it and the prick of tears at that began to pool against her eyelids, threatening to overflow.
She tried to speak again but her breath hitched, and she sucked in an involuntary hiccup of air that sounded all too much like a sob of despair.
"Zoe?"
He spoke louder now and she could hear the worry in his voice. He seemed so far away.
"Sorry..."
She managed to whisper, a strained whisper that hurt her throat, and the tears that welled within her eyes began to spill over and she pushed herself back into the sofa, pulling up her knees tighter into her chest, clutching the phone so hard against her ear that it hurt her jaw.
"What's wrong?"
He asked, desperate now, she could hear him moving.
She shook her head, she couldn't speak, and another shuddering sob moaned from her lips.
"Don't cry..."
He whispered.
She sniffed and ran the back of her hand across her nose.
"I miss you so much."
She said, so quietly, just loud enough for him to hear, and she almost heard the twitch of a smile against his lips.
"Well, that's easily solved."
He said, and she laughed through the flurry of tears.
"You know I'll be there as quickly as I can...if you want me to."
He added, apprehension replacing his first wave of relief.
"I want you to."
She whispered.
More soon! xxx