Chapter Two: The Hero of Honey Town
Thanks to wisdom-of-me and unimaginee for reviewing and giving this story a chance. It isn't for everyone, probably not anyone.
Alright, so after Rose kicked the ever-living shit out of a few Dragon Knights, the villains flew away to regroup, but not before promising to return the next day and burn the town of Honey to the ground!
That's some heavy stuff, right?
Anyways, John and Rose reconvened in his little hut to come up with a plan to defeat the dragon attackers.
"I think we should just take the whole town and push it somewhere else." John offered.
Rose shook her head.
"Unless all of your homes are equipped with wheels, I don't think that is going to work." She said. "No, John. We can't run. If The Dragon Mistress truly sent her minions to kill me, then nowhere is safe enough to hide whilst their bounty persists. Tomorrow I must either defeat these Dragon Knights in combat or die trying."
"Dammit." John beat his fist into his bed, which was just a sack stuffed with hay. The thread count was so shitty, that more than once John was awoken when I piece of hay poked through the sack and scratched his eye. "You can't do this, Rose! There has to be another way."
"These are not your everyday bandits or raiders, John. They cannot be bargained, bought, or swayed. They only respond to one thing and one thing alone: total carnage."
John sighed. Although he barely knew Rose at all, she had already endeared herself to him with her amazing magical abilities and bodacious body. He did not want her to get hurt.
"Do you have like… a plan? Or something?" He asked.
Rose looked around John's hut and spotted his hammer and shield from where they hung on the wall.
"Let's take an inventory of our gear and then see where we stand." She collected his weapons and tossed them on the bed next to John, along with her own pair of double wands. "So far we have, my wands, your hammer, and also your shield. Is that it?"
John nodded.
"No one else in town has any weapons, unless you count Jared's boomerang. Jared was the only one who knew how to use it though and you sort of…"
"Yeah, yeah. I know what I did." Rose waved her hand impatiently. She was much too important of a person to worry about dickheads like Jared for too long. "Tell me about this hammer. What sort of enchantments does it have?"
"Um… absolutely none."
Rose's eyes widened.
"My gods, what kind of hero are you?"
"An awful one." John sighed again
"And what is this?" Rose tapped his shield with a nail. "A fucking cookie-sheet? Ugh, how can anyone be expected to defend a town with crap like this?"
John started to get a little upset. He understood that she was some big-shot witch, but that didn't give her the right to be rude.
"Oh, yeah?! Well, what's so special about these stupid sticks?" He reached for one of her wands, but she slapped his wrist.
"I wouldn't touch them if I were you. I've lost count of the number of magical wards, runes, and enchantments that have graced these implements of mine." She carefully picked one up and held it up to the moonlight that filtered in through the window. "Forged on the summit of the great Volcano Woolden, blessed by a Dreaming Songbird of the Emerald Palace, tuned with the hair of a Unicorn's stepson…"
"I get it, they're the best around." John rolled his eyes. "So basically you're saying that you're going to win this fight because you have awesome wands?"
"No. I was simply describing the history of my preferred tools. If I'm going to conquer the Dragon Knights, it's going to take more than a few fancy toys and a quick spell." Rose began to pace. "What do you know about the Dragon Mistress, John?"
"Hmmm." John wracked his brains for a moment. "Well she's the mistress of all dragons, right?"
"I meant, what do you know besides the obvious?"
"She's… evil?"
Rose heaved a mighty, exasperated sigh. Out of all the people she had met in her travels, human or otherwise, John was probably the most infuriating. She had half a mind to smack him upside the head, and another other half that just wanted to pick him up, cradle him in her arms, and use him to ward off those cold Skaia nights.
If you know what I'm saying. (wink)
"The Dragon Mistress," Rose defined as she paced. "Lives in the uppermost mountains of Skaia. She is the leader of a league of villains known as The Four Evil Mages and is known for having a completely mastery on all of the arcane arts."
"All of them?"
"All of them. From her secluded tower in the mountains, she watches over the land and sends her minions to strike down those she sees as a threat. I suppose it was only a matter of time before she came for me." Rose clenched her fists. "After I defend Honey Town. I'm going after her."
"You're going to travel to the north?" John was incredulous. "Rose that's incredibly dangerous!"
"I know," She said with a smirk. "All the more reason to do it, amirite? However, it won't be as simple as crossing the Wizard Mountain Range and the Lava River. In order to reach the inner sanctum of her domain, I'll have to defeat the other three mages and obtain their Keys of Fate."
John was enraptured by this harrowing tale of mythology. At no time in his life had he received such a history lesson and he truly began to wonder what actually lay outside the borders of Honey, lands that he'd only dreamt about traversing before.
"That's so awesome." He breathed in awe. "Rose, that's literally the most heavy metal thing I've ever heard."
"It is, isn't it?" She smiled at John. If there was one thing she Rose appreciated, it was being appreciated. "First there is the Crab King of the East, followed by the Vampire Queen of the West, and then the Bee Lord of the South. All of which are powerful sorcerers in their own right."
"Aw man," John gasped. "I hate bees."
"Who doesn't?"
"Well, the Bee Lord obviously." Struck by a sudden thought, John leaned forward on his bed. "Rose, I've just gotten a totally radical idea."
"Let me hear it."
"After we finish messing up these Dragon Knights, you should let me go with you on this quest!" He grinned. "It would be awesome! We could camp out on the countryside, meet cool people, see cool things, and in the end, defeat some super evil mages!"
Rose crossed her arms.
"You want to accompany me?" She asked. "Are you serious?"
"Yes!"
She considered his proposition for a moment. Of course Rose had held the company of numerous travel companions during her pilgrimage. None of them ever lasted too long though, as most were not hardy enough to withstand the daily trials and tribulations of her hectic lifestyle.
Her longest companion had been an orc named Henry, who got turned into a skeleton by a necromancer outside of the Black Garden. After his horrific transformation, it was difficult for anyone to look at Henry without feeling a little ill. Rose in particular wanted nothing to do with a former orc who was now just a silly old skeleton. As far as she knew, Henry was now living in seclusion in the Wizard Mountain Range, mourning the loss of his friends.
And his skin.
"I don't know." Rose admitted. "It will be incredibly dangerous. Not to mention, long, wearisome, tedious, girthy, and boring."
"Anything out there is better than this shitty place." John countered. "Plus, you could use my help! I'm really good at…"
He trailed off. Rose's eyebrow rose.
"You're good at..?" She prompted.
"I'm good at…" John cast about the room, as if the wooden walls and floor would hold the answer. "I'm good at telling jokes!"
"Is that so? Very well then," Rose sat down next to him on the bed. "Humor me with a noteworthy joke."
John began to sweat. He didn't expect her to call him on his bluff!
"Uh, let's see." He had to think fast. "A man drowns in the middle of the Smahara Desert, but there isn't any water around for miles. How did he die?"
"That's a riddle, not a joke." Rose chided. "And obviously the man was a member of the Sun Clan, since only a member of the Sun Clan would be stupid enough to drown in a desert."
Damn! Not only was Rose an awesome witch and the smoothest of operators, but she also knew topical humor! Was there anything she couldn't do?!
The Sun Clan was a group of monks who lived on an island off the east coast of Skaia. Some of their rituals included: looking at the sun for hours on end, painting each other yellow, and staring at the sun some more. At night, the members of the Sun Clan cowered in a cave and waited for the sun to return the next day to chase away the evil moon.
Idiots.
John sighed again and rested his face in his palms.
"Welp. You got me. I guess I'm not good at anything." He said dejectedly.
Suddenly, a small hand began to rub his upper back, along his shoulder, and down his arm. He glanced up to see Rose looking at him with a mixture of amusement and sympathy as she comforted him with a hasty massage. John quickly became aware of how close she was to him and how pretty she looked in the dim light.
"You're glasses are broken." She said, almost too quietly to hear. Without asking for permission, she gently pulled them from his face and tapped them with her wand. They mended before John's very eyes. "There we go."
She placed them back on the bridge of his nose.
"Now, I know it may be easy to rag on yourself, what with your numerous flaws and lack of any real talent." Rose patted him on the shoulder again as she continued. She was sort of bad at this kind of thing. "But travel as much as I have and you're bound to see that the most amazing things can come from the most unlikely of places. I believe that you have potential, John, and although I can't say for sure how to unlock it, I bet you'll find an answer out there somewhere."
John stared at her.
"So was that just a really roundabout way of saying that I could go with you on your quest?" He asked. "Because that's where I think it was going."
Rose laughed lightly and patted John once more before folding her hands in her lap. His shoulder burned from where she had touched him.
"I may come to regret this." She commented, and then looked up into his eyes. "But yes, I would appreciate your company on my expedition."
"Aw, fuck yes!" John grinned. "Thanks, Rose! You won't regret this, I promise."
"I know I won't." Rising to her feet, Rose yawned and stretched. "For tonight though, we should get some sleep. Tomorrow we will face the Dragon Knights, defend the town of Honey, and then begin our quest for the four mages."
John hastily took his gear and returned it to the wall before setting the bed for Rose. After he was done, he tossed a few blankets on the floor for himself and snuggled up by her side. Rose sank onto the bed with a contented sigh.
"After a few days in the wilderness, you'll be missing your bed." She said as she got comfortable. "But… I think you'll like it, sleeping under the stars."
As John listened to the slow and steady sound of her breathing, he twisted his neck to look through the window and out into the starry, night sky.
"Yeah," He agreed. "I think I will."
The next day John and Rose woke up bright and early to face the Dragon Knights. Rose was lacing up a pair of knee-high boots when John came back to the hut, having gone to collect some water from the town well.
"Is that what you wear when you kick ass?" He asked, watching her prepare.
She always wore these silly boots and a dress with all this purple and back frilly stuff. There was a skull on her breast and a simple black headband that she used to keep her bangs out of her eyes. Around her waist was a purple sash that held her wands.
"Yes." Rose said, pulling her laces tight. "Yes. It is."
John put the water bucket on the floor and the pair of them washed up. After they were finished, John caught himself staring at Rose.
"You mumbled in your sleep." He blurted suddenly. "I mean, you say things. Like, weird stuff."
Rose watched him thoughtfully as she brushed her hair.
"If you travel as long as I have, you're bound to come across a few nightmares." She said simply. "I wouldn't…"
Outside, there came a loud shout that cut Rose off mid-sentence. Thinking that the attack had begun, John and Rose collected their weapons and raced out into the street to defend the town. However, there were no Dragon Knights in sight, only the citizens of Honey town who were gathered in the village square.
"What's going on?" Rose demanded, approaching the townsmen. "What was that noise?"
"It's the witch!" One man cried.
"Get her!" Another yelled and suddenly all the villages raced forward.
"WAIT!" John shouted, throwing himself in front of Rose and bringing the mob to a halt. "What are you guys doing?!"
"We built a witch-burning-post next to the statue of Mayor Buzzles." Mrs. Fireburst, who was leading the charge, explained. Over the crowd, John could see a large stick standing erect next to the statue of Mayor Buzzles.
The statue was built about a year ago, after Buzzles was elected. It was made out of hardened mud and every time it rained, the statue had to be rebuilt. After the first few times this happened, everyone just gave up and now the statue simply resembles Mayor Buzzles if he was a burn victim.
Speaking of Mayor Buzzles, he walked out of the crowd and approached John. A heavy bandage was wrapped around his neck.
"We're going to offer this interloper to the Dragon Knights." The Mayor proclaimed. As he spoke, a spurt of blood shot from his neck and hit John in the face. "Rose Lalonde is not a citizen of this town. We have no obligation to protect her. If the Dragon Knights want her, they can have her."
More blood flew onto John.
"H- how are you even alive? I saw you get shot with an arrow!"
"It'll take more than an arrow to the neck to take out old Mayor Buzz…" He passed out mid-sentence from blood loss and died.
No one cared.
"Anyways," Mrs. Fireburst picked up from where Buzzles left off. "Come here, Rose. We're going to tie you to this stick now."
"NO!" Once more, John shielded Rose. "You guys can't do this! She's trying to help defend the town."
"The town wouldn't even be in danger if she hadn't had come!" A man yelled.
"Yeah!" All the Honey villagers added.
Rose pushed John out of the way and faced the crowd.
"Citizens of Honey Town." She began. "Listen to me. I know it may seem smart, not to mention easy, to just forfeit in this manner. But look around you," She swept and arm over the town. "This is your life, your whole existence, right here within these streets. Isn't it worth fighting for? If you all rally together, with a legitimate cause, then you can overcome any obstacle."
Everyone who was assembled paused and looked at one another. It seemed as if Rose's speech had gotten through.
"Did you understand anything she said?" Asked one woman.
"It sounded like a lot of spell craft to me!"
"Get her!"
As the assembled group of citizens raced forward once more, an ear-splitting roar filled the early morning air. Everyone looked up to see a gaggle of Dragon Knights swirling over head in a loose flying formation.
"Shit!" John exclaimed. "They're here!"
"Wow. I think I found something your good at, John." Mayor Buzzles wheezed from his spot on the ground. "Pointing out the fucking obvious."
Then Mayor Buzzles died again. For real this time.
No one cared.
"Everyone!" Rose drew her wands. "Seek shelter in your homes!"
"She's right here! Come and get her!" Sicko Larry, the town creep, leapt from the crowd. He was super naked and super gross. "Nice, tasty witch right here, dragon boys!"
With a flick of her wands, Rose froze Sicko Larry in a block of magical ice. He toppled over and shattered into a million, frozen human pieces. One chunk of Larry bounced on the ground and struck John in the face.
"Oh man!" John smacked the piece away. "Jesus, I really hope that was his finger!"
It wasn't.
As one, the Dragon Knights descended and landed on the ground before Rose. Their leader, a Dragon Knight named Crimson Snout, stepped forward.
"Come to face your end, I see." He hissed. "It appears the tales of your cowardice were false."
"There are no cowards here." Rose responded.
"Nope, we're totally cowards." A man next to John raised his hand. "I'm comfortable enough with myself to admit that.
Ignoring everyone else, Crimson Snout stepped forward with his dragon sword poised to strike.
"By order of the Dragon Mistress, I sentence thee to- GAHK!" He was silenced when a motherfucking spell flew from Rose's wands and blasted his head clean off.
"That was my cousin, you bitch!" Yelled one dragon and he charged forward.
Apparently all dragons are related somehow. Not in some patriotic, team-building way. Like they're all totally inbred pieces of shit. It's super gross, but then again, you shouldn't judge. To each their own, right?
Rose began to battle the dragons in the most spectacular laser light show that anyone in the god-forsaken town of Honey had ever seen. Seriously, it was like a Van Halen concert out there, but instead of there being actual songs it was just two hours of Eddie wailing on that guitar like a jacked-up Minotaur at a Demonball Match.
For those of you who don't know, Demonball is a game where Minotaurs try to get a cursed ball into their opponent's goal. It's sort of like Basketball, except whoever holds the ball immediately gets high as hell. Demonball matches can last for days on end, but no one really cares because weed, amirite?
Legalize it.
Anyways, as Rose fought the bad guys, John tried to shepherd all of his fellow villagers to safety.
"Come on, Mrs. Fireburst. We need to get you out of harm's way."
"Wait! I dropped Peanut Jared." Mrs. Fireburst crawled on her hands and knees, looking for Peanut Jared.
"Why did you bring him out here?!"
"It's what he would have wanted!"
Suddenly, a lone Dragon Knight landed right in front of Mrs. Fireburst.
"I'm doing this because I'm evil!" The dragon yelled and raised his sword to strike the woman down.
John leapt forward and swung his hammer as hard as he could into the dragon's head. The hammer struck and then broke into like, fifteen different pieces. The dragon turned around and spotted John with the broken hammer handle still in his hand.
"Dude, did you just hit me?" The dragon asked.
"Yeah." John admitted. "I didn't think it through very well."
"No. You didn't." The dragon pointed his sword at John's head. "Hey, aren't you the town hero?"
"Yup."
"Damn, dude. This must really suck then, huh?"
"I guess. I mean, all my hard work feels sort of pointless now."
"Especially when your girlfriend is a much better hero than you are." The dragon pointed to where Rose was kicking ass. "What are you holding by the way? Is that a fucking cookie-sheet shield? You have got to be joshin me."
John clutched his shield defensively.
"It gets the job done and Rose isn't my girlfriend. We're just a couple of hero pals."
"I dunno. Something tells me that you kind of want to be more than that."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, just think about it. Are you really happy with just being 'hero pals'?" The dragon made air quotes with his fingers. "You have to set the bar high if you ever want to get with this chick. Women love a man with confidence, who has their goals in mind. If you really like this girl, you should let her know."
"But that's the problem," John explained. "I've never liked a girl like this before. I mean, there was Shelby from home room, but she got eaten by a Saber Wolf like ten years ago."
"That's rough luck. So I guess you're worried that you're going to just make a fool of yourself because you're inexperienced?"
"I think that pretty much sums it up, yeah."
"Listen, uh… what's your name?"
"John."
"Listen, John. You see this ring." The dragon showed John a silver band on his dragon finger. "I met my wife at a time when I couldn't think any less of myself. She drove me to be a better dragon and if that's how Rose makes you feel, then you can't justify letting her slip through your fingers. If you really want to be with her, then you can."
"You think so?"
"I know so."
"Wow! Thanks, Mr. Dragon."
"Just call me Super Wings, please. Mister Dragon is my father."
John smiled at Super Wings.
"So…" He held out his hand. "Does this mean you aren't going to kill me?"
Super Wings blinked at John's proffered hand in surprise.
"What? No. No, of course not. I'm totally still going to kill you."
"Are you serious?!"
"Deadly serious." Super Wings lifted his sword and John ducked behind his shield in expectation of a powerful blow.
Across the street turned battlefield, Rose was casting spells left, right, and center. She burned dragons with burn spells, melted them with melting spells, and turned them into useless or stupid things using transmogrification spells. A single bead of sweat formed on her brow as she dodged and ducked around the Dragon Knight's swords. Even with all of her skill and power, the sheer numbers would get to her eventually.
Suddenly an idea struck Rose like a speeding bone train. Skipping away from her attackers, she twirled her wands and casted a very powerful spell with this ancient incantation:
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special.
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else.
Okay, so you're Dragon Knight?
That don't impress me much,
So you got the scales, but have you got the touch?
Now don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright,
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night,
That don't impress me much,
Uh huh, yeah-yeah!
All of the dragons, including Super Wings, paused what they were doing as Rose sang her song. It was so beautiful and so magical that they were unable to move a muscle or a have a single coherent thought. Suddenly as a result of the spell, a blast of arcane magic rippled from Rose and struck all of the Dragon Knights, instantly turning them all to ash.
As gross dragon dust rained down on the town of Honey, everyone was stunned into an impenetrable silence. All eyes turned to Rose and watched in awe as she spun her wands around her fingers, blew imaginary smoke off the tips, and then stuck them into the sash around her waist.
"No foe is a match for the deus ex machina spell." Rose commented. She turned to John. "We did it, John. We saved the town."
"No." John stepped forward and took Rose's hand. "You saved the town."
Then he thrust her fist into the air and all the citizens of Honey town cheered. Out of the ashes, Mayor Buzzles struggled into the sitting position.
"Hey, everyone!" He called. "Did I miss anything?!"
A sitcom-esque laugh track filled the air as dragon dust continued to settle all along the street.
A few hours later, Rose stood on the edge of town. She was dressed once more in her flowing black robes and her trusty satchel was slung from her hip. Her time in Honey town had sucked quite a bit, but in the end, she would be sad to leave it behind.
Life on the road isn't easy and weary travelers so seldom find small towns with the sort of personality as Honey Town. However, as the greatest witch ever, Rose's destiny lay in the furthest reaches of Skaia, where others feared to tread.
Rose checked her moon-watch for the third time in as many minutes. After the battle, John had agreed to meet her so that they could begin their adventure together. He had yet to show up and Rose was beginning to feel a heavy weight settle in her gut.
Of course John wouldn't actually go with her. She was a black cat, a bad luck charm with enough of a self-destruction complex to chase away even the most loyally driven of companions, and like so many before, John was just another disappointment.
With a sigh, Rose turned to leave, but stopped when she heard footsteps. She turned to find John running towards her.
"There you are!" John skidded to a halt in front of her. "I've been looking everywhere. Are you ready to go?"
"Y- You're actually coming?" Rose asked, a little nervously.
"Well, yeah! I told you that I would." John adjusted his backpack on his shoulders. "I've had enough of this town for a lifetime."
"What will Honey do without it's hero?"
"I'm sure they'll manage." John smiled. Fun Fact here, a week after John left, the town of Honey was destroyed by roving back of Flying Bird Bandits. "So are we going on or not?"
Rose smiled.
"Of course." She turned and led the way towards the horizon. "It will not be easy. As I've mentioned before, we'll need to defeat the other three mages before we can face the Dragon Mistress."
"Alright. So where are we heading first?"
"The Wizard Mountain Range." Rose pointed towards a cluster of rocky peaks in the far distance. "The Crab King of the East lives just beyond their lowest valley, on the shores of the Sea of Cancer."
"Sea of Cancer? That sounds awful!"
"It is." Rose looked at John seriously. "Are you sure that you don't want to turn back?"
"Nope." He replied instantly. "I don't care if we have to cross the Sea of Cancer, the River of AIDS, or Lake Herpes. I'm with you until the end, Rose Lalonde."
She turned away, so as to hide her smile. Great witches, especially the greatest witch ever, did not smile like that.
"John!" A voice called from behind.
The two heroes turned and watched as Mrs. Fireburst jogged towards them.
"I packed some biscuits and dried fruit for you trip." She said, holding out a basket to John. "Good luck!"
Just before the basket was successfully passed, Mrs. Fireburst let loose a mighty sneeze. A plume of flame shot from her nose and incinerated the basket completely.
"My life is a living hell!" Mrs. Fireburst wept. She turned and raced back towards the village.
"Come on, John." Rose tugged on his arm. "Let's get the hell away from this stupid town."
Together, the two adventurers walked towards their destiny.
THE END.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Rosie waved her hands in front of her father's face. "What do you mean 'the end'? This isn't the end! You can't pull that shit!"
"Watch your damn mouth!" Dave snapped at his daughter. "Of course it isn't the end. I'm just joshin you, kid. Jesus, take a chill spell."
Rosie leaned back onto her pillows and folded her arms with annoyance.
"That's not funny. I wanna know what happens next."
"Well you'll to wait until tomorrow night." Dave rose from his chair by her bedside. "I'm tired as hell and my throat hurts from all this talking."
"You promised me two chapters tonight! I did my homework and chores and everything!"
"Well, I lied. Welcome to the real world." Dave tucked in his daughter. "Sorry. I'll make it up to you later. Honestly, I don't know why you care so much about this crap."
"It's really interesting! Also you're a great story-teller. You do voices and everything!"
"I am a pretty good story-teller, aren't I?" He straightened up, a smirk on his face. "Did you like that one part when I sang?"
"Uh… yeah! It was great." Rosie lied. She rolled over and buried her face in her sheets. "Well, I'm going to bed. Night."
With a final kiss on his daughter's head, Dave turned and shut the door quietly behind him.
This is going to be a thing now.
Thanks for reading.
- Mike