Chapter Three: The Wizard Mountains
Thanks to wisdom-of-me and TkaiaWolf for reviewing.
After leaving the town of Honey behind, hopefully for good, Rose and John set out on a quest to slay the Four Evil Mages of Skaia and liberate the world from darkness. Rose, who had been on countless adventures before, was looking forward to her biggest challenge yet, whilst John was just happy to get away from that shit-hole of a town and see some new things.
"Look at this tree." John proclaimed, bringing Rose to a halt next to a large oak. "It's as big as my house!"
"I've seen Gravy Beetles bigger than your house." Rose pointed out. "Also, I wouldn't get too close to that one if I were you. There's a spider on it."
"Huh?" John squinted at the bark of the tree. "I don't see any…"
All of the sudden, a goddamned Spider-Tiger fell out of the tree and landed on John's back. Spider-Tiger's are large spiders that are about six feet long and weigh about a hundred pounds. Their venom is so poisonous, that one drop will turn you into a dead guy!
John cried out in surprise and shoved the Spider-Tiger off of his back. Rose drew her wand and exploded the spider with a well-aimed bomb spell. Gross spider guts flew everywhere and I think a little bit got in John's open mouth.
I don't remember exactly. I wasn't there yet, remember?
Anyways, John learned his lesson after that and almost always followed Rose's directions for the rest their lengthy journey. A journey which began on the eastern-most edge of Skaia, in a range of snowy mountains simply known as: The Wizard Mountains.
These particular mountains were called this for a number of reasons. Predominately because it was home to the only wizard academy in the land, but also because there was some almost always some crazy magical shit going on in the highest peaks.
Legends state, the first wizard babies were born on the summit of the Wizard Mountains. Rose herself was probably born there, although this was never confirmed. Regardless, all powerful magical beings felt the ineffable tug to traverse the dangerous range.
"If we just keep on track, then we should reach the lair of the Crab King in a matter of days." John was perusing a map as they walked. "It's a good thing I remembered to bring this map. Otherwise we might get lost."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth, then a goddamned Bird-Shark dived out of the air and snatched the map from his fingers. Bird-Sharks are three foot long birds that weigh about fifty pounds. Their talons are so sharp, that one swipe can turn you into a headless guy!
"Nice map, dick-less." The Bird-Shark cawed as he flew away. "Shit's mine now!"
Struck by a sudden rage, John kicked at the ground as hard as he could and cursed up a storm. In the early days of his travels, he had a rough time adjusting to the harshness of the untamed wilderness.
"Agh!" He cried in frustration. "That was my only map!"
"Don't worry, John." Rose patted him on the arm. "I've traveled the mountains a few times. We shouldn't get lost as long as I lead the way."
John calmed down instantly. He was typically an easy-going fella anyways, but with the added factor of Rose, then anger was rarely a problem with him. Lalonde had a way of controlling him, which I know sounds a little weird, but that's pretty much what it was.
If Rose said jump, then John was already halfway off the ground and to the moon. It was a little sad.
"Alright, good." John breathed a sigh of relief. "For a second there I thought we were screwed."
The pair of them continued on a rough path towards the foot of the mountains and then ascended into the rocky hills. After about thirty minutes of walking, they were lost as fuck.
"I think we're lost as fuck." Rose said, looking towards the sky. "I could have sworn that you were supposed to take a left at that boulder that looked like a dog."
"I told you like twenty times that the boulder looked like a kangaroo." With a sigh, John took a seat on a small rock. "Give me a second to rest, and then we can double back."
"I don't think that's an option," Rose turned slowly on the spot. "Considering, that I've just lost track of where 'back' is."
"What are you talking about?"
"Do you remember where we came from?"
"Yeah, we squeezed through that crevice over…" John trailed off when he noticed that the way they had come was nowhere to be found. "Oh no! Rose, we're lost! These mountains must be haunted."
"Balderdash! These mountains are no more haunted than my knickers. It's just this afternoon light playing tricks on us. Get up, John. We need to keep moving."
But the further they traveled around the rocky hills of the mountains the more lost they became. Eventually, they simply began to ascend, trying to get as high as possible in order to gain a better vantage point. As the air grew thinner and cold flakes slowly began to drift around them, John forced Rose to stop.
"I don't think we should go up any higher." He said. "It's getting late and we'll only get more lost in the dark. Plus we could accidentally walk off a cliff or something."
Rose cursed under her breath. Of course John was right. She just would have liked to have covered more ground by now. Maybe bringing John along had been a mistake? Was he slowing her down?
Near their current position on the sloped ground, Rose could see the mouth of a cave leading into the mountain. Caves are typically bad news, but with her wands and John's sharp eyes, Rose felt like they could secure it enough to camp for the night.
"Come on." She waved for him to follow and together the two of them entered the cave.
They found themselves surrounded by a darkness that seemed to stretch all the way to the center of the earth itself. Rose used a flashlight spell on her wand so that they could see and at the edges of the light, shapes moved just out of view.
"Stay close." Rose ordered, leading the way into the unknown.
John followed, even though ever fiber of his being urged him to turn tail and run. This cave was spooky as hell! More than once he thought he saw a person, but it was an oddly shaped stalagmite. One of the stalagmites was holding a pickaxe.
"Wait a minute…" John said squinting at the stalagmite.
Suddenly, the stalagmite leapt into the light, revealing himself to be a gross-ass gnome wearing a dirty pair of overalls and wielding a rusty pick axe.
"What are you kids doing in my cave home?!" The gnome bellowed, waving his tool wildly. "Do you think I'd live high up in the secluded mountains if wanted visitors?!"
Rose pointed her wand at the gnome's chest.
"Silence your wailings, peasant. We are simply travelers looking for a place to wait out the night." She proclaimed. "Stand aside or I'll be forced to make you."
John lightly gripped the back of Rose's robes.
"I think we should leave, Rose. This cave is this guy's home after all." He said
"It's impossible to own a cave. You might as well say you own the whole mountain, or an ocean for that matter." Rose responded.
"Oh don't tell me your one of those hippie losers." The gnome sighed, and then spoke in a mocking tone: "You can't own the land, man. We belong to the land. The earth is our sister in naturally love. Cut that nonsense out, you damn hippie! You get stabbed for shit like that in here!"
"Yeah, I'm going to kill you now." Rose raised her wand, a deadly spell on her lips.
"Whoa!" John pushed his way forward. "No one is killing anyone. Look, you gross-ass gnome. We're just looking for a place where we can sleep. Surely, we can share this cave for the night."
"My name ain't Shirley. It's Mudbert, and I ain't sharing this cave with no crazy hippie and his cute lady friend- OH GOD WHHHhhhhhhyyy!"
Rose cut him off mid-sentence by blasting him in the chest with a burst of purple light. His screams faded away as he himself disappeared into the darkness. After a second of stunned silence, John wheeled on Rose.
"What was that?!" He demanded.
"He was a prejudiced old gnome with a nice cave." Rose shrugged. "We don't have time to waste on lowlifes like him."
"Wow! That's even more prejudice!" John was aghast. "You can't just blast people away with awesome magic whenever you feel like it. That's not you treat people like Mudbert. Hell, that's not how you treat anyone!"
"I wouldn't expect you to understand, John. Things out here are much different than how they were in Honey Town."
"They don't seem different to me. If you see a guy with something that you want, then you ask for it. If he says no, then you just deal with it. You don't… do whatever it is you just did."
"He isn't dead if it makes you feel any better. He's probably just in a lot of pain." Rose continued forward. "Come on. I bet he has a camp around here somewhere."
Sure enough, as they rounded a corner a small camp came into view, compete with a low fire, a bed roll, and a large, wooden treasure chest. Rose immediately crossed to the chest.
"Property of Mudbert." She read the inscription on the lid. "If you're planning to steal from this, don't. There's totally nothing valuable inside."
John watched with contempt as she fiddled with the lock. He supposed that since Rose was such an awesome witch, she must have trouble relating to people of a lower social class. John was entirely correct in his assumption. Rose Lalonde had a frequency for looking down on non-magical beings, which didn't make her a bad person necessarily, as much as it reflected on her upbringing.
Tell a person that they're great enough times and pretty soon you'll create a monster.
This was why John and Rose were such a good team. More than anything else, they balanced each other. John was honest to a fault, a little stupid, and compassionate in the worst way. Rose, on the other hand, was quick-witted, not afraid to play dirty, and a little bit of a stone-cold bitch.
Both of them represented extremes and together, they represented something else, something horribly grim and dorky at the same time. I guess you could call them…
GRIMDORKS?
W-w-w-w-w-w-whhhaaat?!
Anyways, Rose finished unlocking the chest and threw it open quickly. Disappearing inside, she began to throw useless or dumb junk over her shoulder. John dodged a half-eaten hoagie, took a microscope to the ear, and finally caught a worn journal.
"Property of Mudbert." He read the inscription on the cover. "If you're planning to read this, don't. There's totally not any compromising or private stuff in here."
Curiosity got the better of our hero and he sat down, cross-legged on the ground, and began to flip through Mudbert's diary.
Rose, who had an affinity for dungeon loot, pocketed a neat looking dagger and golden nugget the size of a Lime Ogre's left nut. She spotted an amulet at the bottom of the chest. It was an ostentatiously-large ruby that hung from a long, golden chain and glimmered in the dim light of Mudbert's fire. As her fingertips brushed it gently, something happened.
The ruby glowed brightly and began to vibrate against the wooden chest. Rose leapt back, caught off guard, and watched as all sorts of magical stuff began to fly all over the room.
"Oh my golden rings! What did you do?!" John cried, noticing the light show.
"I don't know!" As the light reached it's crescendo and the chest began to shake violently, Rose turned and threw herself at John, flattening himself to the floor. With a final, massive boom everything ceased.
Tangled in a heap, John and Rose looked in awe towards Mudbert's treasure chest. Out of the depths floated a ghostly orange form. Half man, half bird, all badass motherfucker.
"After a thousand years!" Dave cried, stretching his glorious wings. "I'm finally free!"
"Hold on one stinkin second!" Rosie stops her father mid-story. "You were a ghost?!"
"Not a ghost," Dave corrected. "A sprite."
"A what?! B- But- But you're my Dad!"
"So? Sprites can be dads."
"No they can't! They don't have… like body parts or anything!"
"I wasn't always a sprite, just… Fuh." Dave sighed. "Are you going to let me tell this story or not? If you keep interrupting we aren't going to get anywhere and there's a like a million other things I'd rather be doing right now other than this."
"So you were a regular guy, then a sprite, then a man again?"
"Okay, now we're getting into spoiler territory. I dunno if I'm comfortable working under these conditions."
"Alright, alight. Fine. I'm just trying to make sense of this nonsense." Rosie leaned back onto her pillows and folded her arms. "Please keep going."
"Oh, do I have your permission? Thank you princess Rosie." Dave scoffed and rubbed his eyes under his shades. "Fuck. Where was I?"
"After a thousand years! I'm finally free!"
Rose and John were silent for a moment, simply staring at the bizarre sight before them. Eventually, John whispered in the witch's ear.
"You're seeing this too right? I mean, I'm not crazy?"
"I assure you that this is not a lonesome delusion." Rose disentangled herself from John. "Sprite! Identify yourself!"
"It is I," Dave floated from the chest. "Davesprite of the house of Strider. My friends call me Dave and the babes call me Sexy. You can call me whatever you like."
Rose's face twisted into a sour frown.
"I think Davesprite is suitable enough. How did you come to be trapped in that amulet?"
"That's a long story that I really don't feel like sharing at the moment with yall." Dave stretched again. "Like I've said, it's been a thousand years since I've been free, so I'm getting the G.D. hell out of here. Later, losers!"
And with that, Davesprite floated into the darkness and out of sight.
John pulled himself up in the sitting position and stared after the sprite.
"Well that just happened. Care to explain?" He asked.
Rose returned to the chest and began rifling through it once more.
"Apparently Mudbert is the not the simple miner we once thought. He posses many cursed items and artifacts." Rose looked back over her shoulder at John. "Is there anything useful in that journal?"
"It's just a diary." He turned to a page at random and began to read. "Friday, Moonseven and twenty-two: I found a young Grass Mouse in the corner of my cave. I shall name him Jerry. Saturday, Moonseven and twenty-three: Jerry died. Sometimes I wonder if life is worth living."
"Wow. Riveting." Rose commented.
"He had dreams." John continued. "He wanted to be a singer."
"Well then he shouldn't be living in a cave. How can one expect to become famous if they seclude themselves?"
John continued to read.
"He says that the world isn't ready for his voice and like a caterpillar he will one day break free of his cocoon as a glorious, butterfly songster." He glared at the back of Rose's head. "Then you blasted him with a spell and probably crippled him."
"Will you drop that?" Rose turned on John, suddenly upset. "Seriously, it isn't that big of a deal. I wouldn't have let you come along if I'd known you were going to be such a cry-baby."
"I wouldn't have come if I'd known how mean you are!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Call the news, I think I've just walked into a lovers' quarrel." Both John and Rose looked to find Davesprite floating towards them once more. "Sup, losers. As it turns out, this cave is confusing as all heck and I don't remember exactly where I am. So I'm going to stick with yall for the time being."
Rose knitted her eyebrows angrily.
"Get lost, you stupid sprite. John and I aren't lovers and we most certainly aren't having a quarrel."
"Sounds like a quarrel to me," Dave folded his arms behind his head and floated lazily near the fire. "So who are yall? How did you find that amulet? Where are we right now?"
"Why are you still here?" Rose snapped. "Isn't it obvious that you are not wanted?"
John cast another glare at Rose before turning to Dave.
"Don't listen to her, Mr. Sprite. She's being all moody today because of reasons." He scooted forward to the ghostly being. "Do you really not remember anything?"
"I remember being trapped in that amulet by a dark wizard over a thousand years ago, but that's really it." Dave answered. "Where are we right now?"
"The Wizard Mountains. Your amulet belonged to this gnome named Mudbert, but Rose practically killed him and started raiding his camp so I guess you don't have to worry about him anymore."
"Oh yeah. I remember Mudbert. He's had my amulet for a long time. Nice guy. Horrible singer." Dave swiveled his head to look at Rose. "Did you really kill him? That's fucked up, man."
"He is not dead." Rose spoke through gritted teeth. "It really isn't important at all. I don't understand why everyone cares so much about that stupid gnome."
"I'm just giving you a rough time." Dave waved his hand. "You don't have to get so butt hurt about it. So are you going to tell he who yall are, or not?"
"I'm John Egbert, hero of Honey Town." John proclaimed. "And this is Rose Lalonde, the greatest witch ever."
"Okay, that Honey Town shit sounds fake as hell and 'the greatest witch ever'? I've never heard of you."
"Well I wouldn't expect you to have." Rose folded her arms. "You've been trapped in an amulet for over a thousand years, after all."
"Still, just because I was magically imprisoned in a piece of jewelry doesn't mean that I couldn't hear shit. Tell me, Rose, what makes you the greatest witch ever?"
"She's magical as all fuck!" John interjected before Rose could answer. "Like, she knows so many spells and cool stuff. Rose has traveled all over this land for years!"
"Oh really?" Dave raised his eyebrows over his pair of cool shades. "Educate me in some magical magic then."
"Very well." Rose took a seat next to John and delicately folded her hands in her lap. "You are a Sprite, which is different from a ghost in that you are not dead, but indeed, cursed to roam the earth as a familiar without a host. You were no doubt trapped in the amulet by a powerful sorcerer as a form of punishment."
"Wait a second." A sudden thought struck John. "So if you set him free, Rose, does that mean that he's your familiar now?"
Dave and Rose blinked in surprise. Apparently neither of them had thought of that yet.
"Psshh. Of course not." Dave dismissed the idea with a wave of his hand. "I'm not magically tethered to any-damn-thing, let alone this lame witch. I can leave whenever I want."
As if to showcase this, Davesprite floated away from the camp and disappeared into the darkness again. Exactly thirty seconds later, he returned.
"Shit, I can't leave. I think we're magically tethered together."
Rose heaved a mighty groan.
"Ugh. No. I already have John. I don't need another useless companion."
"Oh, well thanks for that!" John huffed.
"Well too bad, Lalonde. You're stuck with me until either you or I die." Dave folded his arms. "And seeing how you couldn't kill me if you tried, we better become friends real quick."
"Really? You think you can take me?" Rose playfully twirled her wand. "I wonder if Sprites make good peanuts."
"Whoa, no, no, no." John grabbed her wrist. "You aren't horrifically transmogrifying anyone else. Don't you think having an extra party member will could help us on our quest?"
"You guys are going on a quest?" Davesprite's orange shades flashed with sudden interest. "Sweet. What sort of quest?"
"Only the biggest quest ever! We're going to slay the four evil mages and rid the world of the Dragon Mistress."
"Naw, that sounds hella dangerous. I'm out."
"You can't 'be out'," Rose sighed. "You will accompany us or else face the wrath of the elder gods. It is against their highest laws to break a magical tether."
"Oh don't tell me you believe in that mysticism, spiritual bullshit." Dave groaned. "No one worshipped the elder gods, even back a thousand years ago."
Rose shrugged.
"I wouldn't expect a non-magical being to understand to complexities of arcane energy." She said. "There are greater powers at work in the universe than you can ever possibly comprehend."
With that simple sentence, John was enraptured once more with the unbridled joy of watching Rose riff about stupid magic stuff. Dave, on the other hand, just rolled his eyes.
"Okay, bogus legends aside. Where are you guys heading?" He asked.
"We're going to go fight the Crab King of the East." John said. "He lives on the other side of this mountain range."
"Ah, I heard that guy is a dick. When I was living in that amulet, all I heard Mudbert singing about was how much he loved crab and how much he just wanted to eat the Crab King."
"Whoa, so wait. Is the crab king a legit crab?" John turned to Rose.
For the first time, the rock n' rolling witch seemed a little unsure.
"I, uh, don't know exactly." Her fingers twisted in her lap. "He might be, or he might just live with a bunch of crabs."
"Well, then. I guess the world's greatest witch isn't so great after all." Dave said with a snide grin. "Do you know anything about these four evil mages?"
"Yes, I most certainly do!" Rose snapped. "I know all of their powers, their weakness and strengths, and where to find them. I've just never…"
"You've just never seen them before." Dave finished.
"I wonder if the Bee Lord is a giant bee." John tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Or maybe he's just the size of a bee."
"I heard that he can turn into a giant tit." Dave added.
John laughed while Rose scowled. This is not how she thought her biggest quest would begin.
The next morning the group set out bright and early. Exiting the cave once more, they found the sun to be hidden by a floating ocean of grey clouds and the path ahead to be lightly dusted with powdery snow. Rose shivered and pulled her robes tighter around herself.
"I hate the cold." She mumbled. "Let's hurry up and get moving."
"Mudbert's diary had a map in it." John pulled a folded piece of paper from his pocket. "If we just keep heading east, then we can reach… this place by night fall."
John pointed to a square on the map, labeled with a foreign language.
"We don't want to stop there," Rose said instantly, examining the map over his shoulder. "See this label. It's written in gnomish."
"So? What does it say?"
"It says," Rose grimaced. "Wizard Harvard Community College."
"Wizard Harvard Community College?" John echoed.
"Oh, shit. WHCC." Davesprite floated by John's side. "I can't believe it. That place is still around, huh?"
"It is, and it hasn't changed much in the thousand years you've been trapped, Davesprite. We are not stopping at Wizard Harvard Community College."
Hours later, as the group traveled through the snowy pass, a blizzard rolled through the range. The greatest witch ever: Rose, her love interest: John, and her new party member: Davesprite tried to push their way through the storm, but eventually the forces of nature became too much for the party.
"I think we should go back!" John called ahead to Rose.
"No. We can't stop now. We'll never make it to the sea at this pace." Rose squinted ahead through the storm. "I think I see something up ahead. Come on."
The group pressed forward, struggling through the heavy snow. As they neared a large structure, they spotted a wooden sign buried into the ground. It read: Wizard Harvard Community College.
"Fuuuuuuuuuucccccccck." Rose said.
They were left with no choice, but to seek shelter within.
"Why does Rose hate Wizard Harvard Community College?" Rosie asked of her father.
"Because of reasons. You'll find out next chapter." Dave went through the motions, getting up to leave.
"I really appreciate you telling me this story, Dad, even though it's a little vulgar, confusing, and half-baked. Also you're a really unreliable narrator and…"
Dave silenced his daughter with a quick peck on the forehead.
"I think I get what you're trying to say." He smirked. "And it's no problem. I like telling you this stuff too. Now in the glorious words of one Samuel L. Jackson: Go the fuck to sleep."
After a long, hard day going to class, dealing with people, living with the struggles of a life in a first world country, and writing John: Try to Understand. I like to simply turn off my brain and write some of this crap.
I hope you experience the same mindless escape as I do.
Thanks for reading.
- Mike