Chapter Five: Scorpion Cave of Nightmares

Thanks to Rougeofdoom, HomestuckWhovianNightFury, and pussydestroyer69 for reviewing.

Although Wizard Harvard Community College had proven to be an overall pointless digression, Rose, John, and Dave would be sad to leave it behind, having become little celebrities following the fall of Henry the Orc. However, the dusty trail wasn't going to walk determinedly along itself, now was it? Rose's ultimate quest lay in the furthest reaches of Skaia, so in the worlds of the great Robert Plant: we gotta ramble on!

Or… Something like that.

Stepping through the large wooden doors and back into the wilderness, our heroes were pleased to find the fearsome blizzard had dissipated sometime earlier. The sky was clear, the air was crisp, and everything was looking sunny-side up!

"Are you sure that you guys have to leave?" Asked Chazz Limplewickle. He had accompanied the group to the gates. "I was hoping that you could tell me about that one time you invented Lightly-Salted Wheat Thins again, Rose!"

Having warmed up to Chazz considerably, Rose graced him with a small smile.

"As much as I would like to regale you with that epic tale once more, Chazz, I'm afraid that we must truly set our sights on the future." She extended her hand. "Perhaps we'll meet again, Limplewickle."

"I most certainly hope so!" Chazz shook her hand enthusiastically. "You're always welcome at Wizard Harvard Community College as long as I am student body president!"

"Even though we destroyed the food court, killed like a hundred students, and turned one of your greatest wizards into a gross skeleton?" John asked.

"Of course!"

"Rock n Roll." Smirked Davesprite. "Stay cool, Chazz. We'll catch you on the flippity flip."

As the group started away from the campus and back across the rocky hills of the Wizard Mountains, John adjusted his pace so that he was next to Rose.

"So I guess that place wasn't so bad after all, was it?" He grinned, nudging her with an elbow. "I mean, yeah, Chazz tried to smooch me like twenty times, but it was still a pretty cool place!"

"By my count, Chazz almost got to first base with you twenty-one times, John." She responded, smiling.

"No, no, no. That last time he just leaned in because he tripped. He told me so."

"Sure. Sure. Whatever you say." Rose reached into her satchel and pulled out a folded piece of parchment. "Regardless of Chazz's sexual deviancy, he was generous enough to supply us with a new map."

"Sweet. So we know where we're going now?"

"John. I'm the greatest witch ever. I always know where I'm going." She fluttered the map in his face. "This is simply a formality. Haven't you ever heard the old saying: a witch is never lost?"

"Really?" John thought for a moment. "I thought the saying was: a wizard is never late."

"No. That's just silly. No one, even a wizard, can claim to always arrive in a timely manner. That's simply preposterous."

"Alright, alright, geez. I didn't know it was such a hot topic. Sorry."

"No harm done. If anything, I'm happy to impart this knowledge upon you. The less ignorance in the world, the better."

Davesprite, who had been floating ahead until then, swiveled to face his companions.

"Come on, Lalonde. Haven't you heard the old saying: ignorance is bliss?" He countered.

"Spoken like a true ignoramus." Rose responded, knitting her eyebrows. "What are you doing listening to our conversation anyways? You're lucky I leave you floating about at all, when I could just keep you in your amulet twenty-four seven."

"Fuck, why are you always so hostile? It was a simple question." Davesprite frowned. "And I thought I told you to stop threatening me like that. I helped you defeat Henry. We're supposed to be best buds now."

Rose let out a shrill, very witch-esque laugh that sent a chill up John's spine.

"You call that helping?" Rose chuckled. "If I remember correctly the only thing you did was act as a very effective chew toy."

"Only because you're not powerful enough of a witch to functionally control all this awesome." Davesprite flexed his muscles for emphasis.

"Oh, so you're saying that I was the problem? As soon as you were replaced by Jaspers the match was turned decidedly in my favor."

"That was a fluke. I already had that Laser Hydra on the ropes when you brought out that silly kitten."

"Guy, I really don't think you should argue like this." John interjected before Rose could counter. "I mean, we're a team now, right?"

Rose and Davesprite regarded each other. They were a team now. The familiar battle against Henry had cemented that. However, there definitely was a certain tension between the two that could not be ignored, no matter how good of a mediator John was.

Rose would always be too proud, determined, and serious to put up with Davesprite's hot-headed, sarcastic, and arrogant nature. Without John between them, their union would probably have been shattered rather early in their questing days.

"You're right, John. Of course." Rose assented to her friend. "It is unprofessional of me to stoop as low as to engage in nonsensical bickering."

"Ditto." Said Davesprite.

John smiled. In all his years living in Honey Town, he'd never had true friends. Sure, he had people he talked to. Mrs. Fireburst was always kind and Sicko Larry always had something interesting to say. Rose and Davesprite though, were something new entirely.

And he liked that.

"Awesome." John said happily. "Now that that's settled, let's get to killing this Crab King. Where to, Rose?"

Rose examined her map once more.

"We have two paths open to us at the moment." She explained, tracing the parchment with her finger. "There's an old path that leads over the tallest peak that would probably take a few days to cross and a secondary route which runs through the mountain itself and straight to the East Sea."

"Ugh." Davesprite groaned. "I hate caves. Let's go over the mountain."

"But wouldn't that take too long?" John asked. "It sounds faster if we go through the cave."

"The Crab King does live on the coast of the East Sea, after all." Rose added pensively. "But then again, this cave is called the Scorpion Cave of Nightmares, so…"

"So then it must be completely safe!" Davesprite threw his hands in the air. "Come on, gang. It's so obvious that we should take the extra time and not go through the scary cave, that it's almost painful."

"Do you hear something, John?" Rose asked, pointedly putting her back to Davesprite. "It sounds like an annoying gust of wind, whistling through the air and being all whiny."

"Rose…" John cautioned.

"Oh, come on." Rose smiled slightly. "The extra time we spent going over the mountain is much better spent on other things. Let's just hike up our trousers, put on our brave faces, and push our way through this silly cave. I bet it isn't even that bad."

John was hesitant. He'd been all for saving time by traversing the cave until he heard what it was actually called. Scorpions are bad enough, but toss in nightmares too! Shit like that is usually called as such for a good reason.

He was about to switch sides and back Davesprite, but then he saw that expression on Rose's face, the expectant, confident, hella-sexy expression that was positively impossible for John to deny.

"What's the worst that can happen?" John said, a little quieter than usual. "Let's do it."

Grinning like a lunatic, Rose turned to Davesprite.

"Majority rules." She said, and then led the troupe in the direction of the Scorpion Cave of Nightmares.

After a couple hours of walking, and thirty minutes of backtracking when Rose lost her favorite hair clip, the group began to near the entrance to the Scorpion Cave of Nightmares.

"It should be just over these boulders." Rose pointed up a steep hill. "Come on, John. Give me a boost."

As Rose clambered over John's shoulders, Davesprite floated upwards and peeked over the crest of the hill too. Sure enough, the entrance to the cave lay bare before them. Surprisingly enough, our heroes were not the only one to have interest in the devilish hell-hole today.

Davesprite watched a young maiden from afar, as she stared into the depths of the cave. She was… smoking hot.

Her tan skin told of a life spent beneath the open sun, her long, dark hair seemed to be composed of the softest of sheep's wool, and her sparkling green eyes, protected behind round spectacles, shimmered like the waves off the coast of the Emerald Palace.

Also, she had a big ol' butt, so that was nice too.

On her back was slung a dangerous-looking crossbow, already loaded and prepped to unleash a whole world of pain to whoever was stupid enough to get in her way. Davesprite was instantly smitten.

"Oh my ghostly rings." He gasped. "She's-She's… beauuutiful."

"Get your head out of your ass, Davesprite." Rose said by his side, from atop John's shoulders. "You're a sprite. Sprites cannot experience sexual attraction. Now take your eyes off that poor woman and help me and John over this hill."

"I can't, sorry." Davesprite now had a pair of binoculars and was checking out the comely babe. "Too busy being a creep."

Rose smacked him as hard as she could on the back of the head.

"Cut that out! You can't spy on people like that." She scolded. "It isn't right to treat anyone with such disrespect, let alone a lady."

"Pssh. What else am I gonna do? Go up and talk to her? Fuck no." Davesprite pulled out a pair of badonkulars and looked again. "Daaaaaaammmmmn."

"So I have a couple of questions," Rosie interrupted her father's story. "First off, what the hell are badonkulars?"

"There like binoculars, but you use them to check out butts."

"Gross."

"Don't knock it till you try it." Dave advised wisely. "What else?"

"Well…" Rosie twisted her fingers absentmindedly on the bedspread. "Was that pretty lady mom?"

"You bet."

"Really?"

"Really, really."

"Cool."

"Damn straight."

Rose Lalonde yanked the badonkulars out of Davesprite's hands and tossed them over her shoulder. Down below, John let out a muffled 'ow' as they collided with his ear.

"Do you want to know how to talk to women, Davesprite?" Rose asked. "Because no matter how painful a process educating you may be, it's preferable to you living the rest of your ghostly life as some creepy onlooker with no respect for personal boundaries. You're no better than those losers at Wizard Harvard Community College."

"You take that back, Lalonde." Davesprite warned. "I'm the smoothest of operators. If I really wanted to impress that fine lady with my womanizing skills, then I would float over there and sweep her off her adorable feet with a few well-aimed pickup lines."

"Adorable feet, huh?" Rose raised an eyebrow. "I didn't peg you as the type, Davesprite. Well, I do recall a statistic blah blah blah one in five men blah blah blah blah…"

Davesprite was no longer listening, he was gazing, entranced by the maiden's beauty. Still oblivious to her audience, the maiden steeled herself, shouldered her crossbow, and then stepped into the darkness of the cave.

"Blah blah John blah blah blah attractive blah he would never, of course blah blah what do you think?"

"Hmmm?" Davesprite had only just returned to earth.

"Oh, never mind." Rose rested her chin on her elbow, a little sadly. "It's not important."

"We need to go after her." Davesprite nodded towards the cave. "She could get into some trouble in there."

"I'm sure she'll be alright. She looked as if she could handle herself just fine. What we need to worry about, is getting ourselves through there in one piece."

"Guys!" John called from below. He was beginning to struggle under Rose's weight. "Why are you waiting? Climb up already!"

"Oh! Sorry, John." Rose hauled herself onto the rocky ledge and then reached down to pull John up as well.

Davesprite, meanwhile, floated towards the cave's entrance. It was your average cave, dark as shit, full of stalactites dripping with gross water, and there were even a few bats flapping around and doing whatever it is that bats do.

Rose and John, having successfully ascended the hill, joined Davesprite.

"Are you ready?" Rose asked, drawing her wands. "Once we go in, there's no telling what we'll face."

"Probably scorpions." John deduced.

"Nightmares too." Davesprite added. With a flick of his wrist, he summoned his magical sword. "Let's get this over with, alright?"

Casting a quick flashlight spell, Rose led the way inside, illuminating the path ahead for the group. Darkness surrounded them as they traveled deeper and soon enough, all sunlight had vanished from view.

"Wow. It's dark as hell in here." John commented. "I can barely see a thing, even with your flashlight spell, Rose."

"Here." Rose thrust her hand behind her and grabbed John by the wrist. "Let's hold hands so do we do not lose each other."

"Good thinking." John murmured, barely audible.

He was caught off guard by Rose's forward movement and the burning sensation that crept up his arm from her frigid digits. In the dim light afforded by her wand, John caught himself staring at her pale fingers against his sleeve, with nails painted black, and a simple silver band around her middle finger.

Damn, this boy was in deep. Love is a poison, ladies and gentlemen, don't ever forget that.

And love, was what our group experienced in that cave that day. Out of the darkness ahead, came a horrible scuttling sound of many legs across the stone floor that reverberated off the walls. Into view, loomed an indistinct face of almost ethereal beauty.

It was not the same, crossbow-wielding maiden as before, but someone new. This woman had long, flowing, blonde hair and large, almond shaped eyes. Her bone structure and complexion were so fine, that as she moved further into the light, John and Dave felt an instant attraction to- OH MY GOD SHE HAS A SCORPION BODY. IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING SCORPION WOMAN. I'M GONNA PUKE.

"Back foul beast!" Rose brandished her wands. "Come no further and I will not have to strike you down!"

"You dare threaten me, witch." The babe/scorpion hybrid hissed. "This is my fucking cave home. You can't just come in here like you're the biggest gal around and dish out ultimatums like that. Who do you think you are?"

"I'm Rose Lalonde, greatest witch ever."

"Never heard of you." The monster gestured with her gross claw hand. "Get out or else risk being tempted by my siren song."

John gasped. He'd read about siren's before. Once, they had been creatures of the sea, luring lustful sailors to their deaths it the ruthless ocean deep. However, after a horrible incident involving an oil spill in the gulf, the sirens had been forced to move inland to survive, mating with land creatures to create disgusting combo-monsters like the one currently staring Rose down.

"You're song won't work on me, creature." Rose taunted. "With my magical abilities, I'm immune to such trickery."

"Like I'd want to tempt you, witch." The Siren sneered. "You have about as much sex appeal as wilted house plant. It's them, you should be worried about."

Then the scorpion woman began to lure John and Davesprite with this ancient incantation…

"Stop. Just stop right there." Rosie interrupted again. "I know what you're going to do and I'm not up for it tonight."

"What in the heck are you talking about?"

"You're gonna sing some stupid song instead of the spell and it's going to be really lame and boring and not fun at all."

"I- I wasn't going to do that at all."

"Dad…" Rosie casted her father an exasperated look.

"Okay, fine. Whatever. Do you want me to skip the song?"

"Yes. Yes please."

"Aright. Sure. Whatever." Dave folded his arm. "Rosie doesn't wanna hear a song. Okay, then. Take the fun out of everything, why don't ya? Geez. Where was I…?"

Then the Scorpion woman began to lure John and Davesprite with this ancient ritual dance.

She began krumping, booty dropping, head spinning, all sorts of shit. It was really impressive and really sexy. Both John and Davesprite instantly fell under her spell.

"I dunno how," Davesprite let out a low whistle, as he admired her scorpion body. "But I definitely gotta get fucked by that thing."

"I wanna take her on a date." John sighed wistfully. "I'll buy her flowers and hold her hand and…"

Rose had heard enough of this nonsense. She wasn't about to let this slutty scorpion take her friends back to her lair. Twirling her wands, she pointed them at the monster and fired a powerful bomb spell.

The hex flew through the air and struck the siren directly in the chest. Her hardened exoskeleton, however, was tough enough to deflect the spell and send it flying up into the cave ceiling. The whole mountain seemed to shake with the resulting explosion and shards of rock rained down upon our heroes.

"Stupid, witch." The scorpion woman cackled. "You're spell are nothing against me. Say goodbye to your sexy, ghost familiar and your average-looking boyfriend."

Reaching out with her super-gross claw hands, the siren prepared to snatch up both John and Davesprite. A second before she seized her prizes, a goddamn arrow flew through the air and nailed her right between the motherfucking eyes.

"MY BRAIN!" The siren wailed, and then she fell over and totally died.

Turning on the spot, Rose sought out the source of the projectile and found the beautiful maiden from before standing a few yards away, crossbow raised.

"Are you alright?" The maiden asked, lowering her weapon. "I heard that explosion and came to investigate. Good thing too! You guys looked like you were in trouble."

"I would have gotten her eventually." Rose rested her hands on her hips. "Who are you and what are you doing in this cave?"

The mysterious woman, a strong-willed amazonian warrior, furrowed her brows in confusion.

"You know, a simple 'thank you' would be nice." She said with a frown. "Do you know how hard it is to find quality crossbow bolts out here? I just wasted one killing that siren for you."

"An unnecessarily waste, I'm afraid." Rose examined her nails. "As I've mentioned previously, I required no help in rescuing my friends."

John who was staring with confusion at the dead siren, suddenly snapped back into a coherent state. He turned to find his savior standing opposite Rose.

"Uh, hi." He grinned at the stranger. "I'm John Egbert of Honey Town. What's your name?"

The warrior smiled, ignored Rose, and stepped closer to John.

"My name is Jade Harley of the Sun Clan. I'm a vagabond warrior who roams Skaia hunting rare and exotic monsters!" She extended her hand. "It's nice to meet you, John."

Before John could accept and shake the proffered appendage, Davesprite suddenly floated in.

"Sup, names Dave. I'm sort of a badass." He smirked, taking her hand instead. "Now, what's a lovely lady like yourself doing in a nasty cave like this?"

"Exploring of course!" Jade grinned. "Are you a ghost?"

"He's a sprite, actually." Rose answered. "And we were just leaving. Come on, John."

Taking her friend by the arm, Rose tried to pull John further into the cave.

"Rose, what's going on?" John resisted her grip. "What's the rush?"

"We've wasted enough time already. The whole point of entering this cave was to expedite the journey to the sea, not dilly-dally and chat with mysterious women."

"But don't you think she could help us on our quest? I mean, look at her! She's cool!"

Rose came to a slow stop. Still clutching him tightly, she turned back to face John, her mouth drawn into a thin line and her eyes expressionless.

"Fine." She said curtly. "If you wish to converse with this woman, than that's fine be me. I'll see you later."

Releasing him, she turned to leave, but only to find her progress impeded by a sudden reversal of captors.

"Rose…" John was holding her by the robe and grinning smugly. "Are you… jealous?"

"Jealous!" She repeated incredulously. "Of course not! How could you ever assume such a thing?!"

"I'm just wondering." John placated. "I mean, why else would you act so weird in the presence of another girl?"

"I'm not acting weird. I'm merely expressing my thoughts on the progression of our quest, which seems to be hindered by the number of side-stops we keep making. We don't have time to waste on social visits."

"Yo, weird people!" Davesprite called to them. "Come on back and chat with me and Jade. Stop being weird!"

Gently, John began to tug Rose backwards.

"Come on." He said. "This won't take long. She can even walk with us. Don't you think making new friends is a good thing?"

"Humph." Was all Rose responded.

As Rose and John rejoined Davesprite and Jade, the newcomer excitedly welcomed them.

"It's so cool to see new people!" She exclaimed. "I can't remember the last time I bumped into a group of nice heroes like yourselves."

"We haven't met very many nice people either." John admitted. Together, the group began to press deeper into the cave. "You said that you were a member of the Sun Clan?" John asked.

"Oh yes. I grew up on the Sunny Island, but sailed for the mainland when I turned thirteen. I've been traveling the countryside ever since!"

"You know, Rose has also traveled extensively." John nudged Rose in the ribs. "Isn't that right?"

"Yes." Rose answered dryly.

"That's cool. Have you ever gone up north to the kingdom of Prospit?" Jade asked, interestedly.

"No."

"Oh. Well you should, next time you get the chance. Everyone is really nice! And it's really pretty too!"

"Ok."

Davesprite pushed Rose out of the way to get closer to Jade.

"We're actually on a very important quest." He explained. "It's super dangerous and badass."

"Really?" Jade's eyes lit up. "That's so cool! What type of quest?"

"We're going to slay the four evil mages of Skaia."

Jade's mouth went slack with shock. She turned to John.

"Is that true?" She asked.

"Yup!" John nudged Rose again. "Rose here is the greatest witch ever and is going to finally cement her name in the history scrolls by defeating the Dragon Mistress of The North. Isn't that right?"

"Yes." Rose answered.

Davesprite let out a very exaggerated 'gasp!' as if a he was suddenly struck by an incredible idea.

"You know, Jade."He said, wriggling his eyebrows. "Our party could use a tough and rough babe like you. We've already got a sour witch, a badass familiar, and a John. All we're missing is someone to grease the wheels and get this machine churning in the right direction, if you know what I mean."

Jade's eyes sparkled in the dim light of the cave.

"I would love to accompany you on your quest!" Abruptly she leapt forward and wrapped her arms around Davesprite's neck. "Thank you so much for inviting me!"

Rose's face twisted into a horrible sneer and she cast John a very shrewd glare. He wasn't paying attention though, as he was too busy smiling at the embracing Jade and Davesprite.

"Oh man." Jade gasped, finally pulling away and leaving Davesprite in a giddy haze. "I could finally have that Dragon Skin jacket I've always wanted! After, we slay that evil mistress of course. This is the perfect opportunity to collect rare resources and treasure!"

"Yes." Davesprite nodded in appreciation as he very un-subtly ogled the uncovered strip of perfectly tanned skin around Jade's exposed navel. "Rare treasure indeed."

After another few minutes or so of walking, the group found themselves stepping out of the Scorpion Cave of Nightmares and back into the snowy hills of the Wizard Mountains. Over a steep incline and down into a valley, the very edge of the Eastern Sea could be seen and with it, the lair of the Crab King of The East.

Before the group started the final trek down to their destination, Rose took Jade off to the side.

"If you're going to be traveling with us, then we're going to need to get one thing straight, missy." Rose jabbed a stiff finger into Jade's chest. "Even though John and Davesprite are idiots and jerks, they are my idiots and jerks. If you try to become more popular than me, I will not hesitate to talk about you behind your back and turn everyone against you. Is that understood?"

Jade rolled her eyes, but nodded all the same.

"Understood." She answered with a small chuckle. "You don't have to worry about me stealing your thunder, Rose. We're all friends now!"

"Alright. Good." Rose nodded slowly. "Just as long as we have a clear understanding."

On a nearby ridge, John and Davesprite waited for the two girls.

"What do you think they're talking about?" John asked.

"Girl stuff." Davesprite said with confidence. "Just every day, typical, girl stuff."

Thanks for reading.

- Mike