Chapter Eight: Attack of the Werecats
Thanks to MizGlazses, TkaiaWolf, pussydestroyer69, HomestuckWhovianNightFury, and roxyxkarkat for reviewing.
"Stupid cursed dagger!" Said Rose Lalonde, the greatest witch ever, as she hurled the aforementioned blade into the river. It landed among the rapids with a dull sploosh. "I hope you get all rusty, you dark magic enchanted piece of shitty shit!"
"Whoa there, Lalonde." Davesprite floated by her side. "No need to be so harsh. Daggers themselves aren't evil. It's those who wield them in the name of evil."
"You." Rose wheeled on him. "You don't get to talk to me! If you didn't feel the need to play 'catch' with an obviously dangerous and cursed artifact, then that whole mess last chapter wouldn't have even taken place!"
John, who also stood nearby, rubbed the back of his neck a little sheepishly. He'd just been struck by a sudden thought.
"Uh, Rose?" He began. "You don't remember anything that happened… do you?"
Rose thought for a moment, rubbing her chin and wracking her brain.
"I get… flashes." She stated after a moment. "Images and sounds. I see Jade walking toward me, Davesprite punching me in the face, and you... looking really uncomfortable."
"That's because your sexy clone was totally- GAH!" Davesprite was cut off mid-blurt, by Jade's elbow connecting with his ghostly ribs.
The Weredog/Amazonian Warrior shot Davesprite a dirty look and he decided to hold his tongue. It was silently understood that whatever transpired between John and the sexy version of Rose would not be spoken of ever again, at least, not in the presence of Rose Prime.
"Well all that matters is that everything is back the way it's supposed to be," John said, grinning. "We've learned some valuable lessons and now it's time to continue on our quest, right?"
"Extremely right." Rose adjusted her robes and fixed her hair so that it was perfectly tucked behind her headband once more. "Where is my satchel?"
"Right here!" Sang Jade, passing the witch her bag.
Rose opened it and pulled out her map, flourishing it in the breeze so that she could look at it fully.
"We've wasted enough time. Let us continue to the Forest of Franklin. Hopefully we can reach the City of Lakewater before nightfall." Without waiting for anyone else to speak, Rose shouldered her bag and led the way towards the forest.
As the group walked, John adjusted his pace so that he was next to Jade.
"Thanks for having my back." He said with a small smile. "I would probably die from embarrassment if Rose heard a single word about what transpired back there."
"Oh, don't mention it. I'm pretty sure that Rose would be super embarrassed too." Jade responded. "It's best if we leave the past in the past, right?"
John stared at the back of Rose's head, watching her blonde locks sway in the breeze as she confidently blazed the path ahead.
"Right." He agreed with a sigh.
By the time the group reached the edge of the Forest of Franklin, it was nearing late-afternoon. If they wanted to make it to the city by the time the sun set, then our heroes would have to pick up the pace.
"If we want to make it to the city by the time the sun sets, then we need to pick up the pace." Rose said.
"Can't you just conjure a bonecar or something?" John asked, leaning against a tree and catching his breath.
"Yeah!" Jade added. "Magic a bonecar, Rose! I've always wanted to ride in one of those."
Rose rolled her eyes. There were times where she was truly annoyed to have beings of non-magical nature in her company. She could be a real elitist bitch sometimes, but you know that already.
"You can't just magic bonecars." She explained, voice laced with condescension. "They are the most complicated of complicated dwarven machinery, extremely rare and extremely complex. You'll be lucky if you ever see one in your life, let alone ride in one."
Suddenly a motherfucking bonecar came flying out of the woods and landed in front of the group with a screech of its wheels. The super awesome and monstrous vehicle burnt rubber as it did like a dozen donuts in a row, spewing dirt out of its back wheels and coating Rose, John, Davesprite, and Jade with gross mud.
And, you guessed it, some of the gross mud got in John's open mouth and it was totally disgusting.
After about thirty minutes of impressive driving, including but not limited to: three point turns, barrel rolls, figure eights, and a perfect parallel parking job between two trees, the bonecar finally came to a halt. The doors opened with a magical hiss and about twenty, smoking-hot men and women with swords jumped out and surrounded the group.
"Yeeeeeaaaaah motherfuckers!" Cried one, as she poked John in the ribs with her blade. "Walking is for suckers!"
Jade bared her teeth and growled as the mysterious rogues danced around the group, prodding them with their swords and whooping and hollering up a storm. Davesprite didn't know whether to be terrified or turned on by the proceedings, so just settled on putting as many bodies between him and the mob as possible.
"Rose." John whispered, as Davesprite tried to wriggle into his shirt. "Rose, what do we do?"
"Just stay calm." Rose commanded, as she eyed the laughing and shouting horde. "Just stay calm and don't panic. I have an idea."
Drawing her wands, she thrust one into the air and cast a firework spell that shot all these awesome magical sparks into the air. Now here's a little known fact about rogues: these bitches love magic, especially magic that looks pretty. All the rogues lowered their weapons and stared in awe at the light show.
"Oh my stolen rings." Said a rogue, some Ryan Gosling-looking motherfucker. "Those are some gorgeous lights."
"Listen here, hooligans!" Rose called, having gained their attention. "We know not what your business be and you know not ours. Let us simply part ways and forget this encounter ever occurred."
"Why the hell would we do that, Blondie?" Snorted another pretty girl. "Can't you see that we're rogues? We've got you surrounded. Hand over all your expensive shit before we cut you!"
Jade's growling intensified. She was almost to the point of barking at these new foes. Rose wondered why. Her Weredog companion didn't act this way in the face of the Crab King's minions.
"I- I don't think you should steal from us." John spoke up.
"Oh yeah? A rogue sneered. "And why's that?"
"Well… we're heroes! We're on a quest to defeat the Four Evil Mages."
"Well, heroes. Don't you think that you're heading the wrong way?" One of the girls pointed over their shoulder. "The Crab King of the East actually lives in the friggin east in case you were wondering."
"We have already vanquished the Crab King and obtained his Key of Fate." Rose responded.
"Really? Show us!"
Reaching into her satchel, Rose produced the bronzed Key of Fate and showed it to the rogues.
"Yoink!" Shouted one, as she snatched it from Rose's hand.
"You bitch!" Rose shrieked and leapt forward, but was stopped mid-leap by John's arms around her middle. Good thing too. She probably would have been impaled by the dozens of swords that were poised to catch her. "I'll kill you! Let go, John! I'm going to kill that rogue!"
"You won't be killing nothing, Blondie." All the rogues laughed as they passed around the Key. "Thanks for the trinket. I bet this will sell for big bucks on the Ogre Black Market. Stay sweet, losers."
One of the bandits snapped his fingers and then the entire group of rogues began to pile back into the bonecar. All except for one.
"Hey, guys." Said the remaining rogue, as she shifted nervously from foot to foot. "Doesn't this seem like a dick move to you?"
"A dick move?" The lead rogue repeated. "Roxy, what the hell are you talking about? We're rogues. We take shit and we act rude. It's what we do."
"Well, yeah. But, Damien, maybe we don't have to be that way all the time?" The girl, named Roxy shrugged. "Like, maybe we can try to be nice every once in a while. These babies don't seem like bad news to me. What if they actually are heroes?"
Roxy was a good-looking lady. Not as curvy as Jade, but not as small and petite as Rose. I'm not saying that there's anything as a perfect body type, but Roxy pretty much had the best of everything. She had shoulder-length blonde hair, and pink eyes with cat-like pupils.
"Psssshh." The leader, named Damien, snorted. He walked back over to towards John and flicked him right in the ear. "Does this loser seem like a hero to you?"
Roxy stared at John for a long while, watching him as he rubbed his ear and blinked back the tears that began to form in the corner of his eyes. He wasn't in hero garb, just a normal shirt and pants. There wasn't a legendary weapon strapped to his hip. There wasn't even a name tag on his chest with some cool name written on it like 'John the Sex Master' or 'Hakeem the Dream' for example.
He seemed just like a normal dude. However, Roxy smiled at him all the same.
"Yeah," She said. "Yeah, he does."
"Well he's a shit hero then." Damien grabbed Roxy by the arm and began hauling her towards the bonecar. "This is the last time you act against us, Roxy. When we get back to the clubhouse we're going to have a serious and stern talk about your behavior."
"As if!" Roxy brought her heel down, stomping on Damien's toes and causing him to release her. "I'm tired of being a part of this awful group of rude rogues. All you do is rob people, read dirty scrolls, and make crude, racist jokes! I won't let you rob these people!"
"Oh, yeah?" Damien snapped his fingers again and all of his rogues jumped out of the bonecar once more. "What are you going to do about it?"
"I'm going to fight you!"
"Pssh, okay. You and what army?"
"This army, fuckass!" Jade cried suddenly. She and the rest of our trusted heroes leapt forward and joined Roxy's side.
Rose and Davesprite drew their weapons and Jade quickly transformed into her Weredog form. John, meanwhile, stood in the middle of them all and tried to look as menacing as possible. Roxy blinked in surprise, but smiled once see saw who was on her side.
All of the rogues looked at each other then back at their foes.
Then they started to laugh.
"Oh my god. Is that a Weredog?" One girl cackled. "Ew. Fucking gross."
"Nice sword, ghost boy. Does it come in men's sizes too?" Jeered another.
"What the actual fuck?! Is that a cookie sheet that you're using as a shield?! Holy shit! That's amazing!" Mocked a final rogue.
For the third time in as many minutes, Damien snapped his fingers.
"Rogues." He said. "Show these silly bitches what we can do."
Rose, John, Davesprite, and Jade watched in horror as all of the rogues transformed before their very eyes. Hair sprouted all over their bodies and razor-sharp claws grew from their fingers, along with long whiskers from their faces. After a moment, Rose and her team found themselves faced with over two dozen Werecats.
Jade started barking like mad and charged forward.
"Jade, no!" Rose called, but it was too late.
Jade was backhanded by Werecat Damien and knocked flat on her butt. All of the Werecats laughed again.
"Oh my god. This is so sad." Damien sighed as he looked down at Jade. "If these really are Skaia's heroes then I'm afraid to say our beautiful land is thoroughly fucked. The Dragon Mistress might as well have already shrouded the world in darkness." Still shaking his head, Damien issued his next command. "Rogues. Beat these silly fools up."
And that's exactly what they did.
Maybe if Rose had been alone, well-rested, and fully prepared she would have been able to hold her own. However, she had to watch out for John, Davesprite, Jade, and now this girl Roxy. She was also recovering from a harrowing experience with a cursed dagger and I don't think anyone is ever fully prepared for a bonecar full of Werecats to suddenly jump you. Needless to say, the Werecat rogues completely destroyed our group of ragtag heroes.
They shoved Rose to the ground, took John's shield from his hands, used it to beat Davesprite, and then scratched them all up with their sharp cat claws.
One of the Werecats pulled out a jar of peanut butter and smeared a bit of it onto Jade's nose. All of the rogues stopped and laughed, watching as Jade tried in vain to lick the peanut butter off for like five minutes.
In the end, only the turncoat Roxy stood against Damien and his crew.
"If you wanna fight with the losers, then you're no longer a part of the Cool Cats." He said, as he flipped his hair like one of those cool guys. "Any last words before we kick your teeth in?"
"Suck a hundred demon dicks in the underworld, asshole." Roxy growled.
"Eh, not bad as far as last words go." Damien snapped his fingers for like the fourth time. "Get her."
The Werecats seized Roxy and slapped her around like a beach ball at a Nickelback concert. When they were done, they threw her to the ground and took her Cool Cats specialty ID badge and Clubhouse smoothie punch card, which is a dick move considering she was one purchase away from receiving a large Mordor-Mango Smoothie for free!
"Cool Cats, roll out!" Damien commanded and then all the rogues piled into the bonecar and peeled out, leaving Rose, John, Davesprite, Jade, and Roxy lying in the dirt.
Battered and bruised, John rolled onto his side and looked at Roxy.
"Hey." He groaned. "I'm John."
"Roxy." She replied with a small smile. They shook hands. "Nice to meet you."
An hour later, our heroes were sitting around a small fire on the edge of the Forest of Franklin, nursing their wounds both physical and emotion in the wake of their first, major defeat.
Davesprite was angrily hacking at a tree with his sword, Rose was lazily stirring the fire with her wands, and John was using a handkerchief to clean the peanut butter that Jade couldn't reach from her nose. No one talked.
What could they say?
They were a shit team, minus one Key of Fate, and more behind on their self-imposed schedule than ever. If Rose ever needed to be knocked down a few pegs, then this was definitely one way to make that happen.
Roxy sat on a nearby log, sharpening a gleaming dagger and occasionally licking one of the many cuts on her arms with her tongue. She was sort of starting to regret her decision to side with this group of losers. If she'd just held her tongue and went along being a bitch, then she'd be back at the Clubhouse, sipping smoothies and making offensive jokes, instead of sitting out in the woods like some kind of hobo.
Eventually, it was Rose who broke the silence.
"Roxy, is it?" She asked of the new girl. Roxy nodded. Rose continued: "Tell us about these rogues who call themselves the 'Cool Cats'."
Roxy sharpened her blade with a loud shink!
"What's to tell?" She began. "They're a group of beautiful jerks who jump travelers, taking whatever they want and beating up whoever stands in their way. Everyone in the club is a Werecat and we… I mean, they live in a totally awesome clubhouse outside of the City of Lakewater."
Rose poked her wand into the fire again, a little too forcefully, and sent a shower of sparks into the air. Everyone watched the red embers dance in the wind until they faded away. They were all thinking the same thing.
"We have to retrieve the Key of Fate from them." Rose stated, absentmindedly twirling her wands between her nimble fingers. "Even if we defeat the Vampire Queen and the Bee Lord, we'll still need all three keys to access the lair of the Dragon Mistress. With one missing, our quest is essentially pointless."
With a final, mighty strike, Davesprite buried his ghostly sword into the tree a final time and turned back to face the group.
"This whole quest has been pointless!" He cried, throwing his hands in the air. "We went through so much shit and then those fuckers just straight-up robbed us! I give up. Put me back in my amulet and ship me home to Mudbert. I'm done."
"You can't be done." Jade argued, jumping to her feet. "So we've hit a snag. It was bound to happen at some point! We can't give up now, when we've already come so far."
"Look at us, Jade." Davesprite gestured around the battered group. "We can't fight a team of highly choreographed and badass Werecats! It's just not possible."
"Anything is possible if we work together! This was a fluke, I tell you, a fluke! When we roll up to their clubhouse and beat the ever-living shit out of them, then we'll see who's laughing!" Jade rubbed at her nose. "Peanut butter on my face. I'll show them. I'll show them!"
Then she started to march off into the woods, a look of fierce determination in her eyes.
"Jade, stop." Rose called after her. Reluctantly, Jade came to a halt. "I think both of you are on opposite ends of the same spectrum. If we're going to defeat these assholes and retrieve what is rightfully mine, then we are going to need to find a happy medium, a perfect balance between revenge and justice."
Getting to her feet, Rose began to pace. John recognized this as her thinking phase.
"What do we know about the Cool Cats?" She asked after a moment,
"Um… They're really organized, great fighters, and have the sweetest bonecar I ever did see." John answered.
"Correct. On all counts. Now, how do we defeat an organized team of excellent fighters with a fabulous set of wheels?"
"We don't." Davesprite scoffed.
"By punching them in the god-dammed face!" Jade cheered.
"By… talking it out with them?" John offered.
"All good options, with the exception of Davesprite's." Rose said. "However, I'm thinking of something a little more… ritualistic."
Everyone looked confused, except for Roxy, who's eyes suddenly lit up with excitement.
"We challenge them to a Tournament of Warriorish Clash!" Roxy concluded. "That's perfect! You're a G.D. genius!"
"What's a Tournament of Warriorish Clash?" John asked.
"It's a sacred ritual between two warring clans to fairly decide a victor with limited bloodshed. Three of our best fighters against three of theirs in a tournament-style event." Rose defined. "If we bring this challenge to the Cool Cats, they will have no choice but to accept and face us in a neutral battlefield."
"Then after we beat them, get our Key of Fate back and continue on our quest!" Jade grinned. "Rose, this could work!"
"Of course." Rose buffed her nails on her robe. "I did think of it, after all."
"Well, you guys can count me in!" Said Roxy, as she jumped up from her seat. "This is great! I totes wanna stick it to those mean Cool…"
She trailed off when she caught Rose's glare.
"You aren't accompanying us anywhere." The witch said steadily.
"Well, why not?" Roxy demanded, resting her hands on her hips.
"Our party is already full, we know nothing about you, there's a possibility that you could simply be a double agent who will betray us at a crucial moment in the future, and also I doubt Jade would be happy having a Werecat in our midst."
Sure enough, Jade had been subconsciously eyeing Roxy hungrily almost all day and was currently snarling at her. At Rose's words however, Jade caught herself and pressed a hand to her lips with embarrassment.
"Aw, come on, Rose." John said. "Roxy has just as much of a reason to get back at these jerks as we do. Jade can control her animal instincts, we can learn more about each other as we go, and since Roxy used to be a Cool Cat, she probably knows all these private secrets about them. Boom! Problem solved."
Rose folded her arms. She was not inclined to let another stray into their group, especially one with such deep ties to her current foes. However, John did raise some good points and out of everyone, he was probably least likely to be short-shifted by the witch.
"I don't know." Rose turned to Roxy. "Are there private secrets of the Cool Cats that you would be willing to share? Otherwise, I cannot thing of a valid reason to allow you to join to our group."
"Really? I'm a fucking Werecat. That's not cool enough for you guys?" Roxy rolled her eyes. "Sheesh. Tough crowd."
"Just answer the question."
"Yes, I know some stuff. I wasn't very high up in their ranks, but I do know a secret entrance into their clubhouse."
"See, Rose." John piped up. "A secret entrance. That's pretty useful."
"I suppose…" Rose looked between John and Roxy in quick succession. She had a sneaking suspicion that John was becoming smitten with the Werecat, an unfortunate turn of events if there ever was one. A small, greedy part of Rose wanted John's affection, adoration, and admiration all for herself.
Who doesn't like to be worshipped? Especially when you're a totally awesome witch.
"So that's settled then?" Jade asked. Without waiting for a response, she bounced over to Roxy and extended her hand. "Welcome to the team, Roxy!"
"Aw, yeah!" Roxy cheered, taking Jade's hand and shaking it roughly.
As John, Jade, and Roxy began to talk animatedly, Davesprite floated over to Rose. The witch looked to her familiar and caught him staring at her with a smug smile on his face.
"What?" Rose hissed.
"You must love this, huh?" He said, fighting to keep his smirk under control.
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"I'm not talking about anything, Lalonde. Just the fact that the competition just heated up a bit." Davesprite leaned in close to her ear. "You're taking what you've got for granted. If you don't act fast, it might just..." He waved his hands before her eyes. "Slip away."
Rose waved him off.
"That's enough metaphors from you, Sprite." She snapped. "Prepare your gear, we leave for the City of Lakewater in an hour."
But even as Davesprite floated away, his words resonated in Rose's mind. She watched as John and Roxy conversed on the other side of the fire. Roxy laughed at something John said and rested her hand on his shoulder.
A small fire burned in Rose's gut, an ember more than anything else. She instantly recognized it as jealousy. One of the most dangerous emotions a magical being, or anyone for that matter, could fall prey to.
She squashed her emotions down, smushed her feelings under the powerful heel of determination and instead set her sights on revenge. The Cool Cats would pay for humiliating Roes and robbing her of her trophy, she would fight her way across Skaia to the Vampire Queen of the West if it killed her, and she would not let whatever emotions she felt for John get in the way.
Witches do not get jealous.
"I remember Roxy!" Rosie exclaimed after her father finished his night's tale. For the first time in a while, the young girl had patently waited through the entire tale before speaking her mind. "Wasn't she that nice lady who used to come by every year and give me presents?"
"That's her." Dave answered, as he rose from his chair.
"Whatever happened to her? Why doesn't she visit anymore?"
"She's just busy." Dave shrugged nonchalantly and rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh, I'm sure she'll drop by again… someday."
"I hope so." Rosie wracked her brains, trying to remember what Roxy had been like. The Werecat had not visited Rosie since she was little, but she could still remember her almost. It was hard, like trying to remember a dream after you woke up. "Did she and Uncle John ever…"
"It's late." Dave doused the torch on the wall. "Like so late, you don't even wanna know what time it is."
"Oh, okay."
"I'll see you in the morning." And with that, Dave shut the door.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! I'm thankful for all of you :)
Thanks for reading.
- Mike