Chapter Nine: The Fish Baron of the Sea
Thanks to TkaiaWolf, roxyxkarkat, MizGlazses, and pussydestroyer69 for reviewing.
After a few hours of walking and other bullshit that really isn't worth mentioning, our group of traveling heroes made it through the Forest of Franklin and arrived on the shores of an enormous lake. In the center, situated on a rocky island, lay the City of Lakewater itself in all of it's glory.
"Wow!" Jade gasped. "It's beautiful!"
And it was. Tall buildings reached up to brush the stars and twinkling lights of street lamps gave the entire town a warm glow. From across the lake, sounds of laughter and music could be heard, competing with the chirping of Glork Crickets to fill the night air.
"This isn't anything," Rose commented with a snort. "The Emerald City is easily a hundred times more elegant than this."
"What's the Emerald City like?" John asked, curiously.
"It's the largest city in Skaia, with buildings nearly a hundred feet tall and streets paved with emerald gems." Rose's eyes went vacant. "Step one foot in that town and you'll never wish to leave again. It' a magical place, full of wonder and…"
"Hey, guys!" Roxy, who was standing near the edge of the group, suddenly called out. "Look over here. There's a boat!"
"Sweet!" John began to move over towards Roxy but was brought to a halt when Rose dug her nails into his sleeve.
"John." The witch snapped. "Do not walk away when I'm speaking. It's extremely rude!"
"Oh. Sorry, Rose." He disentangled his arm from her grip. "You can tell me about it later, alright? I wanna check out Roxy's boat."
As John jogged over to Roxy, Davesprite floated up to Rose and began to sing.
"Baby come back!
Any kind of witch could see,
There was something,
In everything about you,
Baby come back!
You can blame it all on me..."
Rose turned and buried her fist in his ghost stomach, knocking the fake wind out of him. As Davesprite spluttered and clutched his ribs, Rose stalked away to join John and Roxy.
"You shouldn't tease her, you know." Jade said, glaring at Davesprite. "She make act all tough and aloof, but deep down she's really quite fragile."
"Psshh. Oh yeah." Davesprite wheezed. "I can really sense her fragility. Old Rose 'glass jaw' Lalonde strikes again. Don't hurt her feelings; she'll totally smother you in salty tears."
"I'm serious." Jade continued, as she and Davesprite slowly walked over to the others. "After what happened what that cursed dagger, then having her Key of Fate stolen, and then Roxy joining the group. It's been a hard two days on her."
"Roxy isn't so bad. So what if she and John hit it off? It's not like Rose had that market cornered."
"Still, just try to keep all those sick fires shacked for a little bit, alright?"
Davesprite was about to open his mouth to argue, but stopped when he got a glimpse of Jade's adorable puppy eyes, which shimmered in the moonlight. Ladies and gentlemen, you know that sprite's non-existent heart was beating double time. It was like a drum solo at a Pantera concert, except it was all double kicks and absolutely zero of anything else.
She gave him those puppy dog eyes and he crumbled like an Oreo Cookie that you held in the milk for too long.
"Alright. Alright. Fine." Davesprite held a hand to his chest. "I promise that from now on, until the foreseeable future, Rose and I will be the best of buds. I'm talking friendship bracelet buds. BFFL's."
"Good." Jade nodded with a smile.
As they approached the rest of the group, they noticed that there was indeed a boat docked on the shore. It was tied with a heavy chain to a sturdy-looking post and secured with a large padlock. Pinned to the post was a note that Roxy examined.
"City of Lakewater Boat Service." She read. "Open Moonsday til Stevesday. Closed on Soonsday. Shit, what day is it?"
"Soonsday." Answered John, looking up at the moon. "I can tell because the moon is almost full. You could almost say that the full moon will happen… soon."
Rose rolled her eyes, Davesprite groaned, Jade pretended not to hear it, and Roxy burst out with laughter.
"BAHAHAHA! Nice pun, Johnny!" She slapped him on the back, causing him to wince. "I like you. We're friends now."
"Awesome!" John beamed, while Rose mimed sticking her finger in the back of her throat and vomiting.
"Well I guess we'll have to wait until tomorrow then." Jade said with a sigh, then added brightly: "Unless you guys feel like doing some night swimming!"
"Hell yes!" Roxy cried and immediately popped off her top, revealing a very smexy-sexy-looking bikini underneath.
John, Davesprite, and even Jade a little dizzy. Rose actually barfed a little bit in her mouth.
"Come on, guys! We aren't going to get to the city by just standing there!" Roxy sang as she performed a perfect triple back flip and somersault into the water. As she broke the surface of the lake, the water rippled, and you could almost hear a tiny 'Daaaaaaammmmmn' echo into the night.
"Yeah! Give us a sec!" Davesprite called back. He then looked at Jade expectantly. "Well? Are you going to pop those puppies out, or what?"
"No!" Jade slapped him in the arm, hard enough to sting. "That is most certainly a thing that will not be happening. I was kidding. There's no way I'm getting in that water. I am a Weredog, after all."
"So?" John asked, as he watched Roxy backstroke in a lazy circle. "Roxy is a Werecat and she doesn't seem to be having any problems."
"Oh yes." Rose sneered. "Roxy has no problems whatsoever. Perfect little Roxy with her generous curves and perfect teeth."
Everyone looked to the witch, surprised by her outburst.
"Rose?" John eyed her warily. "Are you okay?"
"Yes! I'm glorious really. This whole setback is really doing wonders for my anxiety level. Thank you for asking." Rose rolled her eyes again and turned to Davesprite. "You. Fly across the lake and wake the Boat Driver. Tell him to come out tonight and ferry us across."
"First you treat me like a goddamn Pokémon. Now I'm Hedwig? Fucking shit, man." Davesprite folded his arms. "It's Soonsday, in the middle of the night. What am I supposed to tell him?"
"Tell him that I'm the greatest witch ever, you insufferable sprite!" Rose seethed. "Get going now, or else you'll spend the rest of your ghostly life as some sort of nut!"
"Alright. You got it, your highness. Sheesh!" Davesprite shook his head and floated away across the lake.
After he disappeared into the darkness, Jade turned to Rose.
"Do you think we could have a talk?" She asked the witch, giving her a pointed look.
"A talk? What for? There's no time to waste talking." Rose responded quickly.
"Just come on." Taking the other girl by the arm, Jade dragged her away, leaving a very confused John by the side of the lake.
"Listen," Jade began, once her and Rose were out of hearing distance. "I know that you feel threatened whenever another girl joins the group, but you aren't going to win any battles by being a total bitch sandwich."
Flustered, Rose adjusted her headband and cast an anxious glance over towards where Roxy was trying to coax John into the lake.
"It just doesn't make any sense." Rose eventually mumbled. "It's completely ineffable. I'm the greatest fucking witch who ever lived and she's just some scantily clad, rouge with the natural-born ability to transform into an anthropomorphic cat warrior. I'm the leading lady and John is my lovable, male costar. We're supposed to be together."
Jade rolled her eyes.
"Rose, you're a great sorceress who knows a lot about magic and other cool stuff." She rested a hand on the shorter girls shoulder. "But it's obvious that you know nothing whatsoever about people. You can't force things like this. Since when did you care so much about romance anyways?"
"I don't care about romance or companionship. I'm a strong independent woman with witchly powers. It's just that…" Rose paused, for the first time looking unsure. "It's just that she's messing up our… team dynamic."
"Our team dynamic?" Jade echoed.
"Yeah, you know?" Rose gestured between the two of them. "We've got a good thing going and she's upsetting the system. It's very magical stuff, auras and whatnot. I wouldn't expect you to understand."
"Okay?"
"After we retrieve our Key of Fate from those Cool Cat rouges, she'll have to go. It's for the best." Adjusting her headband for the third time in as many minutes, Rose squared her shoulders. "Come on, let us wait for Davesprite by the shore."
When the two girls rejoined John, they found Roxy to be lounging in the shallows with a pouty frown on her face.
"What's the hold up, guys?" She asked. "I thought we were going to take a dip?"
"Change of plans." Rose answered curtly. "Davesprite has gone to wake the Boat Driver."
"Aw man." Roxy sighed, rising from the water. "Are you saying I stripped down to my skivvies for nothing? Fugh."
"It's alright!" John chirped. "I mean… what?"
Roxy laughed again, her voice like a thousand wind chimes clinking together in the summer breeze. Except less annoying and much more sexy.
"Could you be any more adorable, Johnny? You better watch yourself, if you keep this up I might just steal you for myself. Haha!"
"HAHAHAHA!" Rose guffawed awkwardly along with Roxy and John. It was super forced and super embarrassing. "HAHA FUCKING HA!"
As Roxy slipped on her shirt once more, John cast Rose a curious glance, but she pointedly ignored his gaze. He had an uncanny habit of seeing through her carefully constructed façade and she did not want him to see through her veil on this particular occasion.
"While we wait for Davesprite to get back, maybe we could play a game!" Jade offered. "Does anyone know how to play Cluckaroo?"
"I do!" Roxy cheered.
Cluckaroo is a game that involves two players. One stands with their hands over their crotch, while the other stands ten yards away and throws rocks at them. You win if you can dodge all the rocks being thrown at you. You lose if you go blind. It's not very fun or safe, but kids love it!
As Roxy and Jade started to search the shore for rocks, John and Rose took a seat by the water edge.
"Hey, I'm sorry that your Key of Fate was stolen." He said to her after a moment. "We'll get it back though, don't worry."
"I have no doubt that we will retrieve my trophy. The real question is how badly I'm going to torture all those douchebag Cool Cats before I murder them." Rose responded coldly.
"Maybe you shouldn't torture or murder them at all." John offered. "I mean, don't you think there's enough killing in the world already?"
Rose thought about this. In all her travels across Skaia, she'd seen many murders and killings and been a part of a few too, some of which were pretty cool. One in particular, where she killed a skeleton wizard, ground his skull into powder, and then smoked it in a wizard bong, getting high as fuck is extremely memorable. However, maybe John's fresh look at the world had some merit. Maybe mercy was a skill she had yet to learn?
Before she could respond to him though, there was a loud sploosh as something erupted from the surface of the lake and shot into the air. Rose and John watched in surprise as a hooded figure descended from the sky on a wave of water to touch down on the ground before them.
"Who dares enter my domain?" Hissed the hooded figure.
Jade and Roxy, who had been prepping to start their game, paused and walked over at the stranger's arrival. They joined John and Rose, opposite the strange, lake-born newcomer.
"Your domain?" Jade asked. "What are you talking about? Who are you?"
"I am the Fish Baron of the Sea!" Cried the Baron as the flipped up his hood. He had grey skin and yellow eyes, with a pair of crocked horns atop his head. There was a streak of purple in his dark hair and he clutched a glittering wand in his hand. "And someone has been swimming laps in my home!"
"Uh, dude. You do realize that this is a lake, right? Shouldn't you be called the Fish Baron of the Lake?" Said Roxy. "Also, I was swimming in there like five minutes ago. You're hella late, fish boy."
"Silence, good-looking wench!" Shrieked the Fish Baron. "I am the Fish Baron of the Sea! And you will pay for trespassing OH GOD MY LEGS!"
Rose blasted the Fish Baron with a quick spell and sent him flipping back into the water whence he came.
"I've already forgotten what that was about." She said, as she put her wands away again. "So anyways, what were you saying, John?"
"Well, just maybe there's a chance we can talk to the Cool Cats? Maybe we could work out some kind of deal where everyone wins." John continued.
"Unlikely. You heard their spiel. They're rouges, John, simple thieves who pillage and assault travelers just for the fun of it. There's no bartering with their types."
"I agree." Chimed Roxy, her and Jade's game of Cluckaroo having been forgotten. "There's nothing we can do but get some old fashion revenge."
Rose's face wrinkled, as if she'd just tasted the most sour of lemons. She did not like having Roxy on her side, even in circumstances such as this.
"Still," John pressed on. "It just seems wrong not to try."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth, than the surface of the lake began to bubble once more. From it's depths rose the Fish Baron once more, this time atop the back of a mighty narwhal. You have to feel bad for that narwhal. Usually narwhals are cool underwater unicorns, but when lame-ass wizards, like the Fish Baron for instance, are controlling them, their overall cool-rating suffers dramatically.
"You'll pay for your insolence, sorceress!" Cried the Baron once again, pointing his many-ringed finger at Rose. "It's time for you to learn what happens to those who cross wands with the Five Evil Mages of Skaia!"
"Five Evil Mages?" Jade repeated quizzically. "I thought there were only four."
"There are." Rose assured her.
"NU UH!" Argued the Fish Baron. He pointed to his chest. "I'm the secret, hidden, fifth mage, who is also the most powerful and badass. I wouldn't have expected you to have heard of me. I'm super underground, sort of a cult hit, if you will."
"I won't." Rose shouted back, folding her arms. "You're not one of the Evil Mages of Skaia. I can tell that much just by looking at you. You, Fish Baron, are nothing but a douchebag with a fancy cloak and some fish friends. Now, scram before you get hurt."
The Fish Baron's gills flared with rage and he rose to his full height atop his steed. Pointing with his wand again, he addressed Rose with a mighty voice:
"How dare you doubt my legitimacy! The only reason I haven't been added to the official Evil Mage roster, is because Four Evil Mages looks better on paper than Five. It may be unofficial, but it still counts! The Dragon Mistress herself told me so!"
"I bet she also told you that cloak looked scary and fashionable!" Roxy shouted up at him. "That was a lie too! It's not very appealing at all!"
"Screw you, you dirty piece of fish bait!" The Fish Baron raised his wand. "Prepare to super die!"
He fired a bolt magical energy straight down at Roxy. The Werecat's eyes widened in shock, not having expected the Fish Baron to be much of a threat at all. A split second before she was completely obliterated, John leapt forward and tackled her out of the way.
The magical blast burnt a Roxy-sized hole into the ground, exactly where the woman had been standing scant mili-seconds prior.
"John." Roxy breathed as she lay by his side. "You saved me."
"Yeah." John grinned. "Yeah. I guess I did. Pretty heroic, huh?"
"Are you kidding me? That was heroic as shit!"
And then Roxy, high of her narrow escape and possibly a little drunk, grabbed John by the lapels and pressed her lips to his.
Everyone, with varying levels of annoyance, stood there and watched the pair of them make-out for a bit. Neither John nor Roxy seemed to notice or care that everyone else was waiting for them to be finished.
"Wow." Jade eventually gasped. "You'd think they'd need to come up for air sometime, but wow… look at them. They're still going!"
"This is the worst day of my life." Rose growled.
She was sick of Roxy, for macking on her love interest, and John, for not having the wherewithal or guts to control his hormonal urges and admit his feelings for her, respectively. On top of everything else, this Fish Boob was trying to get all up her grill.
"Man, fuck you guys!" Cried the self-proclaimed evil mage. "I feel like you aren't taking me seriously at all!"
At that moment, Davesprite floated out of the darkness from across the lake and rejoined his friends. He looked at the Fish Baron, Rose's furious expression, and finally John and Roxy who were now rolling around on the ground, somewhere between first and second base.
"Holy shit." Gasped Davesprite. "I leave for like three minutes and everything's kicking off! What the hell is going on?!"
"What did the boat driver say?" Rose asked him, ignoring his question.
"Well, first off: he wasn't very happy to be woken up in the dead of night. Dude straight up tried to banish me from his house with a cross and a bottle of holy water. Secondly: after I got him calmed down, he said that he didn't care if you were the greatest bitch ever. He's not coming out here now. The earliest he might show up is like six-o-clock in the morning."
"Dammit." Rose cursed. "That won't do. Go back and tell him that I'll pay him twice his usual fee if he comes out now."
"What? Seriously? You want me to go back?"
"Yes! That's an order, Davesprite."
"Man, fuck this noise. Being a familiar sucks." Davesprite took a last look at John and Roxy, who were starting to smoke from all the hot, sexy feel-copping that was going on, and at the Fish Baron, who was smoking as well, except from an overwhelming amount of rage.
Heaving a mighty sigh, Davesprite turned and floated away again across the lake.
As soon as he left, John and Roxy separated. They were both red-faced and breathy, with rumpled clothes and hair. John, who hadn't been this close to a woman in some time, was nearly over the moon with excitement. Roxy, on the other hand, was just happy to get a little action.
The Fish Baron was pissed.
"Have a good make-out break, did we?" He seethed. "Now that that highly uncomfortable display of sloppiness is over, maybe we can get back to the matter at hand. Namely, YOU'RE imminent DESTRUCTION."
"Yeah, that's not going to happen!" Jade shouted.
She drew her crossbow, Rose raised her wands, and Roxy pulled a short sword from the sheath strapped to her thigh. John, meanwhile, stood in the middle of the girls and tried to look as menacing as possible.
"Face the facts, Fishy." Roxy jeered. "You're outnumbered and outmatched!"
"We'll see about that!" With a wave of his glittering wand, the Fish Baron summoned at least a dozen gross fishmen from the depths of the lake. The minions crawled onto the shore, staring with wide, lidless eyes and gaping with this ugly fish mouths.
"Ugh. Sick!" John wretched. "Fishmen are so fucking gross. Jesus Christ."
The Fish Baron conducted his minions as if they were a deadly orchestra. An orchestra fully of slimy fish people with no musical talent whatsoever, that is.
As they stumbled forward on their silly, little fish feet, Rose and Jade began laying into them with spells and crossbow bolts respectively.
"You should turn into a Werecat, Roxy." John suggested as he shoved one of the fishmen onto her sword. "That'd probably be a good idea."
"I can't." Roxy answered as she sliced one fishman from his neck all the way down to his taint. "My Werecat transformation is on cool-down. I can only do it like once every six hours."
"Seriously? That's lame."
"I know, right?"
As the last fishman fell to a well-placed crossbow bolt from Jade, everyone directed their attention back to the Fish Baron himself. He swallowed hard. He knew he was fucked.
"In my defense," He began. "You guys look a whole lot less tough then you actually are, so… Sorry, I guess."
"Apology not accepted." Rose twirled her wand and caused the Fish Baron's narwhal mount to disappear, sending the wannabe mage tumbling to the ground. Rose stood over him. "Lose the shitty cloak, get some better minions, and just… don't suck as much. Maybe then you'll actually be worth my time."
Then Rose conjured a giant fishing rod, hooked the Fish Baron by his lame cloak, and then cast him out into lake. As he broke the surface of the lake, the water rippled, and you could almost hear a tiny 'Wa Wa Wa Waaaaaa' echo into the night.
"Do you think that's the last we'll see of him?" John asked.
"Of course not. There are two types of losers in the world, John. The ones who hide themselves from the world and wallow in their misery and the ones who have the ego inflated enough to put themselves out there without truly realizing how much of a loser they are." Rose nodded towards where the Fish Baron disappeared. "This so called Fish Baron of the Sea is definitely one of the latter."
"Well we totally shit on his parade hardcore style." Roxy cheered, throwing her arms around John's neck. "I bet this won't come back to bite you guys on the butt at all!"
It would.
Half an hour later, Rose and Jade were sitting on the beach, resting their feet in the water and waiting for Davesprite to return. A few yards away, John and Roxy were standing under a tree and laughing together.
Jade caught Rose staring over at them.
"I'm sorry that your quest isn't working out the way you planned." She said to her friend. "But I think learning to roll with the punches is what makes a good hero! At least in my opinion."
"You're right of course." Rose absentmindedly fiddled with the hem of her robes. "I have much better, more pressing matters to worry about than relationships after all. A small part of me is angry with myself for acting so immature and not feeling happy for John. The rest of me still wants to punch Roxy in that perfectly-shaped nose of hers."
"That will pass." Jade patted Rose on the shoulder. "Relationships are too much trouble anyway. I'd rather be sassy bachelorette any day of the week over a housewife/mother."
"You don't ever want to settle down?"
"Hell no. Do you?"
Rose cast a final glance over towards John.
"No." She said. "Of course not."
Davesprite arrived half an hour later, still boat-less and more pissed than ever.
"He called me an orange birdy fuck and said that if I didn't get out of his house he'd banish me to the shadow realm." He reported to Rose. "I don't think that Boat Driver will be coming out tonight, your witchlyness."
"Oh well." Rose sighed and looked towards the pale sky. "It's almost day break we can wait a little while longer, I suppose."
Davesprite caught sight of John and the giggling Roxy.
"So I guess those two finally sealed the deal, huh? Good thing too. I was getting real sick of all that 'will they, won't they' bullshit."
"Yes." Rose nodded. "It truly is a good evening to bury the hatchet."
Under the tree, John and Roxy awkwardly laced their fingers and spouted lame, romantic gibberish.
"So… I guess we're an item now, huh?" John chuckled nervously.
"That's cool with me." Roxy winked. "Is it cool with you?"
"Yeah! Definitely!" John cast a glance towards Rose, who had her back to him. "No second thoughts here, Haha."
Grinning and blushing, the two met once more with a kiss.
"Well I gotta admit." Said Rosie, once her father had finished his nightly tale. "I did not see that coming."
"What? The Fish Baron stuff? That was the name of the chapter, Rosie." Dave said. "How did you not see that coming?"
"Not that. I don't care about that lame wizard. I'm talking about John/Roxy!" The small girl threw her hands in the air. "I was on team John/Rose since the beginning and now you're throwing curveballs at me. What's the deal, dad?!"
"Hey. You think I'm making this up as I go? This is legit history stuff."
"Whatever. So when does Rose get her Key of Fate back?"
"I haven't decided yet. I've got to make up the next chapter."
"But you just said this was legit history...!"
"I'm just joshing you, kiddo. Jesus, you're too easy." Dave ruffled his daughter's hair. "Christ you're gullible, you must get that from your mom."
"I heard that!" Called a voice from the other room.
"Oh shit. It's the law. Go to bed."
Dave kissed his daughter on the forehead before quickly absconding.
I hope that you all had a lovely Thanksgiving. I know that I did. Got to see my brother and sister :)
Thanks for reading.
- Mike