Chapter Ten: Dude, Where's my Bonecar?
Thanks to TkaiaWolf, roxyxkarkat, readwritebeawesome, and Emmaline Haesel for reviewing.
By the time the Boat Driver arrived, it was well past six in the morning, almost noon really. Rose, John, Davesprite, Jade, and Roxy stood anxiously on the shore of the lake, shivering in the cool morning air.
"I think we should find an inn first." Suggested Jade, as the group climbed aboard the ferry. "We could get some food, have a nice nap, a warm shower!"
"There's no time for such digressions." Argued Rose. "We must assault the lair of the Cool Cats, retrieve my key of fate, and continue westward to slay the Vampire Queen."
"If we're going to challenge the Cool Cats to a Tournament of Warriorish Clash, don't you think we should get a good night's sleep?"
"Yeah," Added John. "Last night was a whole rigmarole of pointless bullshit and we didn't get any rest. We should recharge our batteries, Rose."
"We don't need to recharge shit!" Rose was fed up with this insubordination. "I am the greatest witch ever. I do not need rest or relaxation. As soon as we find the Cool Cat's Clubhouse, we attack."
The boat driver, who had been silent until then, turned to Rose as she spoke. He was a gnome, about four feet tall and covered in scraggily, ginger hair. His name was Wally and he will be completely irrelevant to the rest of this story.
"You're the greatest witch ever, huh?" Said Wally. "You're the dame who demanded that I come out to work last night, despite the fact that my hours of operation are clearly listed…"
Rose silenced the gnome by seizing him by the collar, bringing his face close to hers, and mad-dogging him into the following week. As this was taking place, Roxy got John's attention.
"So I was thinking," She walked her fingers up his arm and around his shoulder. "While Rose is getting her revenge by brutally murdering my old associates, we could get some alone time."
"We could get lunch!" John exclaimed, excited by the idea.
"Yeah, or we could get a room at the inn and…"
"And watch one of those enchanted movie scrolls! I've been wanting to see that new Matthew McOrcnaughey jam. You know the one? That movie scroll about the thirty-something elfish slacker who thinks his parents of setting him up with his dream orc so he'll finally move out of their cave home?"
"Yeah I've heard about it, but…"
"Shit. We're going to need snacks and drinks! We bet visit the market as soon as we get there so we can stock up." John grinned at Roxy. "This is going to be awesome!"
"Uh huh." Roxy sighed in agreement as she leaned on the edge of the boat.
After the boat docked in the City of Lakewater, our group disembarked and made their way up into the bustling streets of the city. John and Jade, who were unaccustomed to seeing large settlements like this, gasped in awe at all the different sights and sounds.
Rose confidently plowed her way through the crowd, shepherding her team forward so that they could continue her mission. However, as they passed through one large market street, lined with different vendors, Rose suddenly noticed that all of her friends had vacated her side.
"Dammit." She cursed as she cast about for her companions.
Through the throng of people, she located Jade and Davesprite next to a small cart displaying various squares of fabric.
"Ratty old carpets for sale!" Called the salesman. "Make your cave home look even shittier with these disgusting pieces of carpet! Good price! Definitely not fragments of discarded undergarments!"
"What are you two doing?" Rose demanded as she pounced upon her friends. "We don't have time to go shopping. We barely have any gold as it is and we're wasting daylight. Where are John and Roxy?"
"They took off, probably boning somewhere. Who cares?" Davesprite pointed to a shimmering wand in a glass case atop one of the vendor's carts. "Look at that, Lalonde. That wand makes yours look like a pair of battered old drumsticks."
Rose examined the fancy wand. It was very nice, but also very expensive. Also, she was perfectly happy with her own wands. What did strike her fancy, was the collection of dark, leather-bound tomes stacked neatly next to the wand.
"Interested in the zoologically dubious, eh?" Spoke the saleswoman, an old and wrinkled goblin. "Many evil secrets lie within the pages of these books. They are not for the faint of heart nor the weak of stomach. Simply opening one of these books will probably place a curse upon your family for the next twenty-thousand years."
"How much?" Asked Rose.
"I thought we didn't have time for shopping?" Jade snapped, folding her arms.
"Sit on a broomstick, dog girl." Rose fished several gold coins from her satchel. "We're here, so we might as well make the most of it."
Out of the corner of her eye, Rose spotted another vendor attempting to sell a collection of cool-looking weapons. The witch fingered her remaining gold pieces and eyed a hammer that was for sell.
"Hmmm." Rose hummed, leading her friends towards the weapon's salesman.
As Rose, Davesprite, and Jade took care of some shopping. John and Roxy were doing some browsing of their own in a nearby alleyway.
"Is this normal for Werecats?" John asked, as Roxy dragged her tongue over his cheek.
"This isn't foreplay, Johnny." She responded between licks. "You've just got some lembas bread crumbs on your face left over from breakfast."
"Ugh. Gross." John shivered, but stifled a chuckle as her sandpaper tongue tickled his jaw. "You're cleaning me."
"Just helping out my new beau." Roxy laughed. She pulled away and started tugging at the bottom of his shirt. "Now pop this off so that we can get busy."
Before anything could be popped off and before any business could be conducted, several voices could be heard approaching from outside the alley. John and Roxy froze instantly, struck by the sudden fear of being caught fooling around in public. They waited and listened as the voices grew closer.
"Haha. Man, I cannot believe how easy it was to rob those fools." Cackled an annoying girl's voice. "I mean, for the greatest witch ever, she sure was a chump bitch."
John stifled a gasp. It was those 'Cool Cat' rogues who jumped them in chapter eight.
"I know, right?" Agreed a second voice. "Now that we've got this Key of Fate added to our trophy collection, I feel like we can accomplish pretty much anything! Who should we rob next!?"
"No one." Answered a cool voice. It was Damien, leader of the Cool Cats. "That witch bitch is probably heading here right now to get her Key of Fate back. We have to be ready when she gets here."
"Aw come on, Big D. Don't tell me you're scared of that little girl and her lame-ass friends."
"I'm only scared of two things: Spiders and Hepatitis C. And since that witch doesn't have eight legs or the ability to single-handily ruin my liver, she don't frighten me at all." The group came to a stop outside the alleyway John and Roxy were hiding in. The horny couple pressed themselves to the shadows to stay out of sight. "All I'm saying is that we've got to be prepared. Roxy is probably working with them and that means she'll probably lead them right to our clubhouse.
"You're right."
"Of course I'm right. Now, who wants to hear about how cool I was in high school again?"
"Me! Me!" Cheered several Cool Cats in unison until their voices faded away.
John and Roxy waited a few more seconds to make sure that the coast was clear before stepping out of their hiding spot.
"What a bunch of dicks." John commented, staring after them. "We should go find Rose and take her to their lair now."
"Oooor." Roxy gave John a sly look. "We could go to their clubhouse right now and steal back her Key of Fate ourselves!"
"Just the two of us?"
"Yeah! It will be quick. I know that place like the back of my hand. We'll be in and out, and have Rose's Key of Fate back before you can say: 'Oh shit, where's John and Roxy? I hope they aren't doing anything reckless and badass!'"
"I don't know." John rubbed the back of his neck. "This sounds a little too foolish and reckless. What if we accidentally make a bigger mess than we originally intended?"
"Oh, come on, John. What are the odds of that happening?"
"Really good. I mean, it's like almost a hundred percent positive."
"Don't you like to live dangerously?" Roxy reached down and interlaced her fingers with his. "I know that I do."
It was strange, how John could fool around with Roxy in alleyways and in the middle of intense battles, but something as simple as holding hands could cause a bright-red blush to appear in splotches across his cheeks.
"Y- Yeah, okay." He mumbled.
"Great! Let's go!" Roxy beamed and dragged John off, towards the Cool Cat's clubhouse.
She took him through many side streets, over a sky-bridge, down a rung ladder, up a rope ladder, and finally towards the edge of the City of Lakewater. There stood the Cool Cat's clubhouse in all of its glory. The building was a tall tower, near the edge of the water, and decorated with many fancy ribbons of colorful yawn. On the sloping lawn, leading up towards the large front gates, were many scratching posts and sand pits full of cat litter, of which John had no interest in investigating further.
"Pretty fancy." John whistled quietly, admiring the tower.
"It's even better on the inside. Come on!" Roxy led him towards the water and around the side of the tower to a much smaller, side door. "This is the secret entrance."
"Really? It just looks like a back door to me."
"Well yeah, but it's secret because it has a pass code. Watch." Using her nails, Roxy tapped a complex patter onto the stone wall next to the door. After a moment, the door groaned and swung open. "See?"
"Wow! That's awesome!"
"I know, right? Come on." Roxy led the way inside and John shut the door behind them.
Inside, they found themselves in a large, beautifully decorated room. There were many cool artifacts and treasures hanging on the wall, including but not limited to: A silver sword that could cut through anything, but with the caveat that whoever wielded the blade could only do so completely naked. A magical wand labeled, dance wand. And an awesome-looking fedora, that equipped the wearer with negative six hundred charisma.
There, on the mantel above a roaring fire, sat Rose's Key of Fate. It was locked away in fancy glass case and watched by a dozen or so wizard security cameras.
Up above, through the ceiling, the sounds of a raucous party could be heard. John took a deep breath and hoped that the Cool Cats upstairs decided to stay upstairs.
"Alright, Rox." He examined the room. "Let's not touch anything, but OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Roxy was in the process of smashing several expensive-looking, crystal ashtrays.
"Being a vandal." She responded as she shattered another one.
"We're going to get caught!"
"Only if you keep shouting like that." Roxy hurled a final ashtray into the wall. "Hurry up and grab the key so we can go."
Shaking his head, John set his sights upon the Key of Fate. He was about to take a step towards it, when he noticed a faint light reflected off the gleaming case. Squinting through his glasses, John now realized that Rose's treasure was also surrounded by a network of wizard lasers. Tripping one would surely sound an alarm and have them caught by the clubhouse's inhabitants.
"Dammit. Roxy, this whole place is covered with wizard lasers. I can't reach the case."
"Ugh. Fine. I guess I'll do everything." Roxy knelt down and unlaced her boots. "Stand over there in the corner, John, and try not to touch any lasers, alright?"
"Got it." John took up position on the edge of the room, as Roxy finished discarding her shoes and bounced to her feet.
With a running leap, she pounced onto the headrest of a handsome, leather armchair, back flipped onto a bookshelf, somersaulted over a laser, landed on a mahogany coffee table, and finally pirouetted onto the mantel above the fire. She landed perfectly on her feet, because Werecat.
Duh.
John watched nervously as his girlfriend pulled a bobby pin from her hair and began picking the lock on the Key of Fate's protective case. Surely, the wizard security cameras recorded the whole thing on wizard tape. All John could hope was that they'd be out of here before the Cool Cats decided to come visit this room.
"Got it!" Roxy cheered as she unlocked the case and flipped it open. "Now, to get out here completely undetected…"
WAH! WAH! WAH!
An alarm, loud enough to rattle all the objects in the room, vibrated off the walls. John and Roxy covered their ears as nearly every other sound was drowned out by the deafening alarm.
Roxy shouted, but John couldn't hear. However, by watching her lips move, he could guess that she was either saying "Fuck, fuck fuck," or "Run, run, run", which when you really think about it, does it really matter which?
John and Roxy raced towards the door from which they'd entered. John opened it to find half a dozen Cool Cats right outside, brandishing swords.
"Not that way!" Roxy tugged John back into the Clubhouse and across the room towards a second door.
With a completely unnecessary, yet badass kick, Roxy knocked the door off it's hinges and sent it flipping away. Our pair of heroes dashed through the entryway and found themselves in the Cool Cat's garage. Parked in the center of the room was the awesome bonecar.
"Hop in!" Roxy commanded, as she Duke's of Hazard slid across the hood and jumped into the driver's seat.
"Where are the seat belts?" John asked, searching his chair for the safety harness.
"Seatbelts? Psshh." Roxy revved the engine. "Where we're going, we don't need motherfucking seatbelts."
"I dunno. I think you pretty much need seatbelts wherever you go."
"Babe, you're ruining this badass moment."
"Sorry…"
Cool Cats stormed into the garage.
"Stop them!" One yelled. "They're getting away!"
But it was too late, Roxy gunned the engine, peeled out, and drove straight through the god-damn wall, exploding out of the clubhouse and racing away along the shoreline. There was a mighty crash and John looked behind them to see the Cool Cat's clubhouse crumbling in on itself and crashing to the ground.
"Shit. Do you think they're okay?" He asked, nodding back towards the wreckage.
"Who cares? They were a bunch of douchebags." Reaching into her pocket, Roxy pulled out the Key of Fate and tossed it into John's lap. "Mission accomplished, by the way."
"Awesome! Rose is going to be so jazzed!"
"YOU DID WHAT?!" Rose Lalonde shrieked, five minutes later when the group was once again reunited.
John cowered under Rose's mighty glare. She was most definitely not jazzed to hear about his and Roxy's mini adventure.
They were on the outskirts of the City of Lakewater, near a clump of trees by the shore. Roxy was showing Davesprite and Jade the sweet new bonecar, whilst Rose busted John's balls.
"We just went and got your key back." John explained again, showing the witch her trophy. "I thought that's what you wanted."
"I wanted to do this my way. I had a whole plan! We were going to challenge them to a Tournament of Warriorish Clash! I was going to stomp all those kitten fuckers under my boot!" Rose tossed her hands into the air. "What came over you, John? This isn't anything like you at all!"
"Roxy said…"
"Oh, well that explains it!" Rose angrily snatched her Key of Fate from John's grasp. "If you ask me, that Werecat is a bad influence on you, John. You could have been captured! Or killed! Or converted into their stupid, roguish cult!"
"Well we didn't obviously! And we got a sweet new bonecar!" John gestured towards the sweet new bonecar. "I thought you'd be happy. I did this for you, after all."
"I'm the leader of this party, John. You can't be following other people's directions like that. You endangered this whole group, our entire quest, but running off with Roxy!"
Their argument caught the attention of Davesprite, Jade, and Roxy, who moved over to join the pair curiously.
"Whoa there, Lalonde." Chided Davesprite, who was wearing an "I heart City of Lakewater" t-shirt. "Don't blow a gasket. So John and his gf went and undermined your authority, so what?"
"Yeah, what's the big deal?" Asked Roxy.
"Don't you speak to me!" Rose snapped, thrusting a finger at Roxy. "You are not a part of this party."
"What are you talking about?" John was incredulous. "Of course she's a part of the party."
"No she is not! I won't have her anti-establishment ways jeopardizing our mission!"
"Well fine! If she's not part of the group, then…" John swallowed hard. "Th-Then neither am I!"
Rose faltered. Was John really saying what she thought he was saying?
"J- John?"
"Come on, Roxy." Eyes averted towards the ground, John walked towards his girlfriend and took her by the hand. Together, the pair began to walk away.
"John!" Rose called after him. "Are you joshing me right now?! After everything we've been through!"
He did not look back, but continued on his path until he disappeared into the trees and out of sight. Davesprite was shocked into a silence, a rare occurrence if there ever was one, and Jade simply frowned in confusion, unable to grasp fully what had just taken place.
"I- I'll go talk to him." Said the Weredog, before scampering off into the woods in pursuit of John and Roxy.
With a savage curse, Rose sank to the ground and glared daggers over at the gleaming bonecar, which was now more of an insult than anything else.
"Hold on loosely,
But don't let go,
If you cling to tightly,
You're gonna, oh, you're gonna,
Lose control!"
Davesprite sang.
"Shut the front, fucking door, sprite." Rose hissed, burying her face in her knees. "Can't you see that I'm in the middle of regretting my recent actions?!"
"Aw, come on, Lalonde." Davesprite floated down to his friend's side and patted her on the shoulder gently. "Everything is going to be A-OK, I'm sure of it. You know how John is. He'll realize his mistake in about thirty seconds and be right back by your side in thirty-five. In the meantime, I recommend you work on an apology."
Rose lifted her head and looked at Davesprite.
"You're right." She sighed, but smiled slightly all the same. "Thank you, Davesprite."
"No problem. I'm not just your badass familiar. I'm also an all around solid dude, so don't you forget that." Reaching into his trademark City of Lakewater backpack, Davesprite pulled out a piece of patented City of Lakewater Taffy. "Now who wants some taffy?"
"We do." Said a cold voice suddenly.
Rose and Davesprite turned to find that a large group of Cool Cat's coming their way, with a struggling Jade, held captive in their grip. Rose and Davesprite jumped to their feet, drawing their respective weapons.
"Let her go." Ordered Rose.
"Of course." Said Damien, leader of the cool cats. He snapped his fingers and Jade was tossed bodily to the ground at Rose's feet. "We caught that little puppy running through the woods. Wouldn't tell us what she was chasing though, but I guess it doesn't matter. Now that we've found you, that is."
"No. I don't suppose it does." Rose twirled her wands as Davesprite helped Jade to her feet. "Let us settle our disagreement with some semblance of civil attitude. I challenge thee to a Tournament of Warriorish Clash!"
"Pass."
"What?"
"We aren't doing some stupid tournament, witch." Damien pointed towards the bonecar. "You break into our clubhouse, steal our shit, smash the whole thing to the ground?! We're going to kick all your asses, hardcore ultimate style!"
"We'll see about that!" Rose cried and fired a spell towards the Werecats.
They all dodged and converged on the heroes, transforming into powerful Werecats and attacking with brutal efficiency.
Rose did her best, transmogrifying many of the rogues and blasting them away with well-aimed spells, but was it was too much. She was eventually overwhelmed by sheer numbers and shoved to the ground. The Werecats took Davesprite's t-shirt and pulled it up and over his eyes. They watched and laughed as he flailed around blindly before finally giving up and going limp to the ground. Lastly, they beat Jade with rolled up magazines until she whimpered for mercy.
Our heroes lay battered and beaten at the feet of the Cool Cat's, exhausted, bruised, and simply depressed at another defeat at these douchebag's hands.
"Any last words?" Sneered Damien, as he raised his sword. "No? Didn't think so. Welcome to DIE, assholes!"
The mighty Werecat brought his sword down, ready to cleave Rose's head in two. The witch closed her eyes and braced for the impact. She would never finish her ultimate quest. She would never tell John that she was sorry.
She would never tell John that she loved him.
There was a sharp, metallic cling! But Rose did not feel a blade pierce her skull.
She opened her eyes and found John, standing over her and blocking Damien's strike with his twisted, mangled, worthless, and completely shit, cookie-tin shield. She gasped in surprise and could not deny the swell of warmth in her chest in seeing that he had returned.
"I won't let you hurt my friends." Growled John, as he struggled to hold Damien's sword at bay.
"Wow, dude. Deus machina much?" Suddenly, there was a loud honk! Damien turned his head to see that the bonecar, driven by Roxy, was bearing down on him and his crew. It was too late, there was no time to move. "Mother of…"
All the Cool Cat's screamed in unison as Roxy drove over all of them. All of the asshole rogues caught sudden bonecar-itis and died instantly after five minutes of extreme pain. Bonecar-itis is where you get run over by a bonecar and all your bones turn to dust. It's easily one of the worst ways to die ever. Of all time.
Rose, Davesprite, and Jade climbed to their feet to examine the mountain of Cool Cat corpses left in the wake of Roxy's awesome driving skills. John was stood with his mangled shield in his hands, among the ocean of death, looking more badass than he had ever looked before.
Rose got a lady boner. Which, I guess is like a regular boner, but on the inside?
"John, that was easily the most heavy metal thing I've ever seen." Rose gasped, running to his side. "Are you hurt?"
"Nope." John grinned. "Although my shield is a little more fucked up than usual."
He held up his weapon, which now resembled a frosted flake, except a lot more crooked and fucked up and less delicious.
"Well then it's a good think we bought you this!" Jade reached into her bag and pulled out a new hammer. "Here you go, John! We were going to give it to you, but you ran off."
"Yeah, so does this mean you're a part of the group again?" Davesprite asked, as John took the hammer.
He gave it a few experimental swings. The weapon was much cooler than his original one, with many different colors pointed on its side, and wicked-looking spike fused to the back of the powerful head.
"I don't think I ever left really." John commented, sliding his new hammer into his belt. "Thanks, guys. I'm sorry for leaving."
"But thanks for showing up when you did." Rose said stepping closer to him.
Just before they maybe about to kiss, Roxy brought the bonecar to a screeching halt next to the group.
"Sup, dudes." She grinned and tipped her cool-gal sunglasses that she was suddenly wearing. "What's all this jibber jab? I thought yall were heading to kill some evil vampire mage or something?"
"Hell yeah we are!" Cried Jade as she jumped into the bonecar. "We're stocked up on supplies and all ready to go!"
Rose watched John climb into the passenger seat next to Roxy. The Werecat rogueleaned over and gave her boyfriend a kiss on the cheek.
One day Rose would tell John how she felt. Or maybe… one day she'd just get over him? Regardless, she joined her party in the bonecar and rode off into the sunset, as Fleetwood Mac's "Second Hand News" started to play.
(Fade to black)
(Words appear, saying: To be continued)
(Words fade and the credits roll up)
(After credit scene)
Damien, leader of the Cool Cats and only remaining rogue, pulled himself into the sitting position.
"Nine lives, motherfuckers." Growled Damien. "You may have won this round Rose Lalonde, but I will have my revenge!"
(Fade to black)
(Fin)
I knoooooooow there's nothing to say!
Someone has taken my place.
When times go bad, when times go rough.
Won't you lay me down in tall grass and let me do my stuff?
Come on!
Thanks for reading.
- Mike