Chapter Eleven: John Hates Cake
Thanks to TkaiaWolf for reviewing.
Roxy the Werecat drove the bonecar away from the City of Lakewater, right over the water (which was possible because of magic), and back onto the opposite shore on the outskirts of the Forest of Franklin. She brought the vehicle to a grinding halt there and turned around in her seat to look at Rose.
"Alright, witchy pooh." She said with a grin. "Now that we've shown those Cool Cats what's up and gotten your Key of Fate back, we can go fight this Vampire Queen, right?"
"That is the plan, yes." Rose answered from where she was sandwiched between Davesprite and Jade. The witch reached into her satchel and pulled out her map. "We need to continue westward, away from the City of Lakewater and into the Forest of Franklin once more. The Vampire Queen's lair lies in the catacombs of Virgo's Keep."
"Catacombs. That means caves, right?" Davesprite groaned. "Shit. I am so tired of caves. Why can't these evil mages live in swanky penthouses with lots sunlight and stalagmite-less floor space instead of in these busted cave homes?"
"Because that would be too easy, of course!" Answered Jade. "Come on, Davesprite. You know that looting caves is a big part of any fantasy quest!"
"Also vampires don't like sunlight." John pointed out. He was sat up in the passenger seat next to Roxy. "So I guess it makes sense that she'd live underground."
"No matter where she lives, no matter how far she's buried, she cannot hide from my wands." Said a determined Rose. "Full speed ahead Roxy, if you will."
"Right oh!" Roxy snatched Rose's map from her fingers and threw it into John's lap. "You're my navigator, babe. Try to keep us on the right track," Roxy gunned the engine once more. "Because it's time to burn some G.D. rubber!"
The bonecar's magic engine rolled over once, emitted a puff of black smoke, and then died.
"Shit!"
"What's wrong with it?" John asked.
"Some of those stupid Cool Cat's guts probably got stuck in the engine when I ran them over." Roxy reached under her seat and popped the hood. "Let's take a look."
Sure enough, when they looked at the engine of the bonecar, they found it to be clogged with lots and lots of gross blood and other Cool Cat body parts.
"Jeeezus." Whistled Davesprite. "That's a lot of freshly minced douchebag. So I guess it's walking from here on out, huh? Sucks. This thing was a sweet ride."
"I can probably fix this." Jade stuck her hand into the bloody mess. "We just need to pull out all the hoses, change the wizard oil, unclog on the circuits." With a sick squelch, she pulled a mangled something out of the engine. "Oh god. I hope this is a finger…"
"How long will it take to get it moving again?" Asked Rose, who was anxious to continue on her quest.
"An hour at the most. I used to work with machinery like this all the time back when I lived with the Sun Clan."
"You lived with the Sun Clan?" Roxy raised her eyebrows. "Isn't that the cult of idiots who worship the sun, listen to soft rock, and eat dish towels?"
"That dish towel thing is a rumor!"
"Alright. Alright." Rose stepped in before the group was sidetracked once more. "Jade, get to work on fixing the engine. Davesprite will help you. I want to be on the move again by second lunch, got it?"
"Yup!" Jade turned back to her work. "Alright, Davesprite. Start grabbing guts!"
"Aw shit. This is so fucking gross. Oh my god. Cool Cat guts all up in my grill. What the hell have I gotten myself into?" Davesprite grumbled, struggling to maintain his cool.
As the pair of them got to work, Rose made herself comfortable in the shade of a nearby tree and began to read one of her new books. It was a heavy tome, dedicated to the most dastardly hexes and most wicked of curses. Her fight with the Crab King had been a cake walk, but she doubted the Vampire Queen would be as easy. She needed to be prepared.
"Come on, John." Roxy pulled her boyfriend away from the rest of the group. "Let's practice with that new hammer of yours."
"Practice?"
"Yeah! You wanna learn how to fight, right?"
"Oh yeah. Sure!" John felt a bubble of excitement form in his chest.
If he trained with Roxy, who was an awesome fighter herself, then he could become the great hero that he always wanted to be. He got a sudden mental image of himself, ripped as all fuck, standing next to his friends in the heat of battle, bashing in zombie heads with one swing of his mighty hammer and making out with both Roxy and Rose at the same…
"Hey!" Roxy snapped her fingers in front of John's face, regaining his attention once more. "Are you even listening to me?"
"Y- Yeah of course." John tugged at his collar, suddenly feeling very warm. "What were you saying?"
Rolling her eyes, Roxy stepped forward and pulled John's new hammer from his belt. She gave it a few experimental swings, pressed it against her ear, dabbed at the handle with her tongue, and finally broke into a wide grin.
"You're in luck, John. This new hammer your friends got you is hella enchanted!"
"Really?! That's so fucking cash!" John gazed at the weapon with a newfound respect. "What sort of enchantments does it have?"
"Just one enchantment, I think. Although I can't really be sure. What am I? Some kind of witch? There is this though," Roxy turned the hammer over and showed John that there was an inscription inscribed on the bottom. She read: "Whoever wields this hammer shall possess the power of the mighty Zillyhoo, a really solid dude."
"So… what does that mean exactly?"
"It means that when you use this hammer you get this guy Zillyhoo's power."
"Yeah, I got that part, but what kind of powers does Zillyhoo have?"
"I dunno, but apparently he was a really solid dude."
"So that's it? No super strength or flight or mind-control?"
"Hey," Roxy shrugged. "Solid dudes are hard to come by these days. If you ask me, there are worse enchantments you can have."
"I guess, but…" John took the hammer back from Roxy. As he clutched it in his fist, he certainly didn't feel any different. It would have been nice to have a cooler hammer…
John shook himself. What was he doing be a whiny shit? His friends got him a really cool hammer. He shouldn't feel disappointed!
"But, I think this will work just fine." He eventually said with a small smile.
"Great!" Roxy beamed. "Well are you ready to begin your training?"
"Hell yes!"
A super awesome training montage of Roxy training John to be an awesome hero followed, with "Push it to the Limit' by Comiesee playing in the background. John was running through the woods with Roxy on his back, doing crane kicks on top of a broken pier, pulling the still-busted ass bonecar down the shoreline with a metal chain, doing one-armed pushups with Roxy, Rose, Jade, and Davesprite all piled comically on his back, and running up a flight of extremely long steps before coming to a stop at the top with his arms raised triumphantly above his head.
The montage ended with John and Roxy jumping into the air and high-fiving as the frame froze.
"Oh my golden rings." John gasped as he rested with his hands on his knees. "I don't think I've worked out that much since… Well, ever!"
"I'm so proud of you, babe." Roxy crooned throwing her arms around his neck and giving him a peck on the cheek.
"I dunno what you're both so excited about." Davesprite piped up, from where he and Jade were still working on the bonecar. "That whole montage only took about five minutes. You aren't a great hero yet, John."
"But it's a start!" Commented Jade, pulling her head out of the bonecar's engine. She was covered in black, wizard oil and gross blood. "Keep up the good work!"
Still high off of the excitement, John couldn't fight the grin that pulled at his face.
"I'm going to go wash up." He said cheerily, before jogging over towards the lake.
As he moved away, Roxy let out a contented sigh and moseyed her way over to Rose, who was still sitting beneath the tree with her book. The Werecat sat down next to the Witch, who pretended not to notice the newcomer's presence.
"Hey." Said Roxy.
Rose tilted her head and said something that sounded a bit like "Eh", but it was hard to tell exactly.
"I was wondering if I could talk to you about something." Roxy was suddenly anxious. She twisted her fingers in her lap and stared with great apparent interested at the small patch of ground between her boots.
"Eh." Said Rose.
"I really like John, like a whole friggin lot. He's sweet and nice and not hard on the eyes either." Roxy scooted closer to Rose. "He's been working real hard too and I just wanna get him a little something to show him how much I like him!"
"I can't imagine how this would concern me." Rose deadpanned, still buried in her book, although a page had not been turned in quite some time.
"Well, you're his best friend, right? I was hoping you could give me some ideas on what I could get him!"
Rose narrowed her eyes. This had just become a very delicate situation. Was Roxy really trying to get her, Rose Fucking Lalonde, to help cement her relationship with John? Shit. Where did that Werecat get the lady-balls?
When Rose had first met John, she'd considered him to be a decent fellow, albeit one who ranked below her on almost every scale. However, after seeing his bravery and strength of character first-hand, she'd become endeared to him more and more. Now, when she felt strong feelings, unlike any she'd felt for anyone in a long time, this damn Werecat was here, pushing her generous bosom into her business.
Maybe Rose would have been able to let her feelings for John slip away. Maybe she would have been happy to let John and Roxy be a thing. But there was no chance in hell that she would be giving Roxy any good advice.
"Sure, Roxy. I would be happy to help." Rose shut her book with a sharp snap.
"Awesome!" Roxy beamed. "Now, I want to get him something that means a lot, you know? I want him to be able to take one look at it and be like: 'Oh my sexy rings, that's something special!' Do you get what I'm saying?"
"I think I know exactly what you're trying to say." Rose smiled sweetly.
"You do? Oh, man. That's so awesome!" Roxy suddenly embraced Rose in a warm hug. "You're the best friend ever!"
"Indeed I am."
Roxy pulled away, releasing a very uncomfortable and now slightly weary Rose. Was the witch making the right decision here by being a total Bitch Town U.S.A, population: HER?
"So what do you think I should get him?" Roxy asked.
Rose couldn't turn back now. She was in too deep. She was making this happen.
"Cake."
"Cake?"
"John loves cake." Rose answered with a nod. "If you really want to get him… excited, then give him some cake."
"Are you sure?" Roxy quirked an eyebrow.
"Of course. I am his best friend, after all."
"Well then…" Roxy bounced to her feet and looked around the immediate area. They were on the shore of the lake, with the City of Lakewater a good hundred yards of swimming away, and the Forest of Franklin immediately to her back. "I don't suppose you'd know of any bakeries around here, would you?"
"I can't say that I do. No." Rose returned to her book. "Good luck though."
"Yeah, I'll need it." Roxy turned towards the forest. "I'm just going to go look around I guess. Cover for me if John asks about me, will you?"
"Of course."
"Thanks, Rose." Roxy looked back, grinning as she jogged off into the forest. "You're the greatest witch ever!"
"Yes." Rose felt a heavy something settle in her gut. "I know."
As Roxy disappeared from view, Rose climbed to her feet and made her way over to Jade and Davesprite, thinking that she might be able to escape her guilt by occupying her mind with pleasant, intelligent conversation.
"And then I said: 'those aren't prophecy stones, those are my balls'." Davesprite was saying.
Jade let out a peal of laughter that was somewhere between a snort and a shriek.
"Then what did he say?" She asked excitedly.
"Well, first he spat them out, right? And then… Oh, hey Rose." Davesprite frowned as Rose approached. "Don't worry about interrupting my story or anything. It wasn't important. Just come barge right in. Really, it's no trouble."
"I fail to see how my presence would impede your rhapsody." Rose replied, a little curtly. "Please continue."
"Naw. You're not going to get any of the jokes if you just come in half-way through."
"Just start over again." Jade offered cheerily. She was still half-buried in the bonecar's magic engine. "I don't mind!"
"Naw. The magic and wonder is gone. I'll tell you again later, some other time where we don't have to worry about being interrupted by inconsiderate witches of the 'great' variety."
"Okay!"
Rose rolled her eyes. Apparently she'd have to look elsewhere for intelligent conversation.
"How long until the bonecar is ready again?" She asked of Jade. "I'd like to cover some ground today."
"Not long! In fact, I'm pretty sure I almost got it."
"Good. That's some excellent work, Jade."
"Well," The Weredog pulled her face out of the inner mechanisms of the vehicle, covered in even more oil and grease. She grinned and nodded at Davesprite. "I couldn't have done it without my lovely assistant."
"Oh, I just held the flashlight." Smirked Davesprite, although whatever the equivalent of a blush for a sprite was now dusting the parts of his face uncovered by tinted glass.
"But it was really good holding! Like everything was so well-illuminated. You should have seen it, Rose."
"It's the middle of the day." Rose gestured up, towards the blazing sun. "I seriously doubt that an auxiliary source of light of any kind is necessary."
"Still." Jade pushed one of her many, tangled locks of dark hair behind her ear. "It was nice."
Before either Rose or Davesprite could respond with a sarcastic or cool answer, respectively, John walked up to the group. He was still breathing hard from his intense workout, droplets of water hung from his bangs, and his glasses were foggy with the mid-afternoon heat.
"Hey, guys." He wiped his face on a towel and slung it around his neck. "What's going on?"
"Just jibber jabbing." Replied Jade. "I almost got the bonecar working again! It shouldn't only be a matter of minutes now."
"Awesome! I can't wait to…" John suddenly trailed off when he noticed that his girlfriend was nowhere to be seen. "Hey, where's Roxy?"
Davesprite and Jade quickly scanned the shoreline too, also finding no sign of the highly attractive and cool Werecat rogue. Rose pretended to be intensely interested in the fingernails on her left hand.
"Rose, have you seen Roxy?"
"Who?"
"Roxy. You know, my girlfriend?" John looked at his friend quizzically. "As in the same Roxy who's a Werecat, who's been with us for the past couple of days, and who saved your life just last chapter by killing a bunch of other Werecats with a bonecar."
"Oh, yeah. Roxy. It rings a bell." Rose shrugged nonchalantly. "Last I saw, she was heading into the forest."
"The forest?" John turned and looked into the spooky gathering of trees that seemed to look incredibly threatening, even in the light of day. "Why would she go in there?"
"I don't know. Probably to do some Werecat stuff or something. I wouldn't worry."
"I'm going after her." John started to walk towards the Forest of Franklin, but was brought to a sudden halt by set of strong fingers wrapping around his bicep.
"I wouldn't go in there by yourself, John." Said Rose, relaxing her grip slightly. "The brief forays we've had into the forest don't do the horrors within nearly enough justice. It could be dangerous."
"All the more reason to go after her then!" John tugged his arm from her grasp. "You should come with me, Rose. We could watch each other's back."
"Hmm." Rose tapped her chin with a finger. "You know. That actually does sound like a good plan. Yes, let us travel together."
Together John and Rose headed towards the Forest of Franklin, leaving Jade and Davesprite alone by the bonecar yet again. The pair stared after the witch and their friend for a moment, then exchanged worried looks.
"What's she planning?" Jade asked.
"Who says that she's planning anything?" Davesprite leaned back against the side of the bonecar. "Maybe Rose simply wants to help John find his gf, who's apparently superior to her in every way, with absolutely no ulterior motives or underhanded schemes- OH GOD WE HAVE TO HELP THEM!"
As Davesprite jumped to his "feet" or whatever, Jade turned to look into the depths of the forest, chewing her lip nervously.
"I don't know." She responded. "I mean, I know that Rose is jealous of John and Roxy, but she wouldn't do anything potentially… harmful, would she?"
"John told me that she once turned a guy into a peanut just for hitting on her." Davesprite started to float away in pursuit of his friends. "I'm not going to pretend to know what she's capable of."
"Davesprite, we can't leave the bonecar unprotected!" Jade called after him.
"Well then stay here."
"Fuck that! I don't wanna stay by myself!"
"Well then come with."
"B- But… the bonecar!" Jade stamped her foot. "Come back, Davesprite. Let that confusing love triangle sort itself out. It's up to us to be the sensible ones in times like this!"
But the sprite could no longer hear her shouts, as he had already floated beyond the edge of the forest and disappeared from view. With an angry grunt, Jade slammed the hood of the bonecar close and then climbed atop it, sitting against the windshield and glaring off into the forest after her friends.
"Well now, don't you look unhappy!" Called a tiny voice from nowhere.
Jade looked down to see that a tiny songbug had alighted on the bonecar next to her. Songbugs were pretty common back in the day, always flying in open windows in the middle of the night and singing these really annoying songs that woke you up. They're small too, so imagine trying to find a tiny, annoying as hell, singing bug as you stumble around your room in the middle of the night. There's a good reason they're extinct nowadays. They're songs usually start off pretty good, but go bad really fast.
"Fuck off, songbug." Growled Jade. "I'm not in the gaming mood."
Rosie, your mom hated songbugs.
"Aw, that's not the attitude a pretty lady like yourself should have!" Responded the songbug. He then began to sing:
"Little pretty girl sitting on a bonecar most sad,
If you wanna cheer up, just come on down!
I'll take off my pants,
And we'll have a little sex quest staring the two of us- OH GOD WHHHHYYYyyyy!"
Jade silenced the songbug by punching it away. The little guy flew through the air and landed with a small plop in the lake. After several minutes of pitiful struggling, he drowned.
"I'll never be a star now…" Wept the songbug as he died.
Meanwhile, Roxy was making her way through the dense forest foliage in search of cake.
Now, Roxy wasn't stupid. She didn't just expect to find a healthy slice of cake lying on a plate just cold chillin on the ground and waiting to be scooped up. Shit just doesn't work like that. What Roxy was hoping for, was to find some sort of wizardly shack in the middle of the woods, preferably made entirely out of candy of something. There's bound to be cake in one of those!
"Oh, man." Roxy grinned to herself as she skirted around a clump of bushes. "When John sees this cake, he's gonna be all like 'Thanks, Rox! I love it! Smooch smooch smooch' And then we'll do 'it'."
You know, 'it'?
I'm talking about sex.
Anyways, the further Roxy headed into the forest, the spookier shit got.
A skeleton jumped out from behind a tree and yelled: "Boo!" really loudly, startling the Werecat. A little while later, Roxy saw one of those fake rubber snakes hanging from a tree, and I'm pretty sure that she saw the eyes of a painting move whilst she worked her way through the haunted forest.
"Fuck my ass. This place is scary as hell!" She commented as she avoided a trashcan, which probably had someone waiting inside to jump out and scare her. "I gotta get find this cake and get the G.D. hell out of this forest."
As she rounded a large oak, she saw it: an enormous shack made entirely out of candy!
"Hell. Fucking. Yes." Roxy immediately sprinted up to the front door, which was a large graham cracker, and knocked three times.
"Who is it?" Called a voice from inside.
"Uh, I'm Roxy."
"Roxy who?"
"Roxy the Werecat. Listen, uh, whoever you are." Roxy leaned against the wall. "I'm really hurtin for some cake. Do you think you can help a gal out?"
Suddenly the door flew open, revealing an old, wrinkled, nasty-ass witch with a lazy eye for some reason.
"It is I! Yahtzee the evil woodland witch! And did you say cake? Sure, I've got hella cake! I only need one thing in return."
"Okay. Whatever you say, unappealing witch. What do you need?"
"Nothing much." Shrugged the witch, named Yahtzee. "All of my cakes sell for the simple cost of YOUR SANITY! MWAHHAHAAHA!"
"Pass."
"W-What?"
"No thanks." Roxy began to walk away, waving goodbye as she went. "I'll try the next candy shack. Thanks for your time, un-comely witch."
"You aren't going nowhere, foolish girl!" From her disgusting, and probably disease ridden robes, the witch pulled out a gnarled, old wand and pointed it at Roxy's chest. "Do you know how long I've waited for a sexually appealing, idiotic, young girl to come by so that I could steal her sanity? A really fucking long time! I have really specific tastes!"
"That sounds like a lot of bullshit that only concerns you!" Roxy drew her short sword. "I don't have time to deal with this. I'm trying to be a good girlfriend! Now just step off, granny. I'm not afraid to cut an elderly person!"
"I'm only two hundred and six and a half!" The evil witch twirled her wand and fired a blast of purple magic at Roxy, who dodged nimbly out of the way.
"Ha! Nice shot, witch bitch." She taunted. "But you'll have to do better than that to hit a Werecat!"
"Oh, a Werecat, huh?" The witch reached into her pocket and quickly pulled out a large ball of yarn. "You don't say!"
Roxy froze with fear. Apparently this witch didn't have any problems with playing dirty. As long as Roxy stayed focus and didn't get distracted, she could get out of this- OH MY GOD A PIECE OF STRING!
With a tiny hiss, Roxy leapt forward and snatched the ball of yarn from the witches grasp. Roxy then proceeded to roll around on the ground with the yarn as she kicked at it with her legs.
"Hahaha. Gets them every time." The witch raised her wand. "I hope your boyfriend likes delicious, insane, kittens. Because that's what you're about to be in a second!"
Suddenly, something very cool and powerful struck the witch on the back of the head and knocked her to the ground. John stood over the evil witch, his awesome hammer raised to strike her again.
"Ew. Fucking gross." He said when he saw the witch's face. "I don't mean to be rude, but… geez. I was not expecting you to be that ugly. Holy shit."
Rose appeared from between the trees and joined John's side.
"Oh look, a forest witch was about to kill Roxy and you prevented that from happening." She said in monotone. "How wonderful."
"John?!" Roxy jumped to her feet, yarn ball be damned. "What are you doing here?"
"Rose said you went into the forest by yourself." John took his girlfriend by the shoulders. "I was worried about you. Are you alright? That very unseemly witch didn't hurt you did she?"
"No. No. I'm fine." Roxy's face fell. "John, you weren't supposed to follow me. I'm trying to get you a present!"
"Oh, really?" John blinked in surprise. "You don't have to do that, Roxy. Having you as a girlfriend is already enough of a present!"
"Aw, that's really sweet. It's just that…" Over John's shoulder, Roxy spotted the entrance to the witch's shack. "Hold up! John, wait right here, alright?"
Without waiting for him to respond, Roxy pulled away and dashed into the witch's house. Confused, John turned to Rose, who was now examining the prone, evil witch.
"Good hit, John." Rose nudged the witch with the toe of her boot. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say that you knocked the sense right out of her."
"Is she going to be okay?" John asked, looking down at Yahtzee as well.
"Who cares? As long as we're far away from here before she wakes up." Rose looked back towards Yahtzee's hut and watched as Roxy struggled to fit something very large through the doorway. A small smile broke the witch's face. "Aw. Look, John. Your girlfriend got you a present."
John followed Rose's gaze and instantly froze when he noticed what Roxy was now carrying in her arms: a large, frosted cake with pink icing that spelt out: 'John X Roxy 4 Eva!' In curvy, messy letters. His eyes grew wide.
"Happy twelve-hour anniversary, Johnny!" Sang Roxy, holding the cake out to him. "I know this is a little ugly-looking, but I literally made it just now. What do you think?!"
By the time Davesprite floated through the trees and located Rose by the candy-made shack, John and Roxy were nowhere to be seen and the large cake lay smashed on the ground.
"Shit what happened here?" Asked Davesprite, examining the unconscious Yahtzee and the destroyed cake. "Looks like some kind of confectionary war-zone. By the way, did you see that skeleton that yells 'Boo!'? That guy's a dick."
Rose turned to Davesprite, but instead of having the same look of distaste she usually reserved for her familiar, she looked quite pleased.
"Nothing too exciting to report here." Rose said with a smile. "Roxy and John just had a little argument. They're currently having a rather intense discussion elsewhere. Would you care for some cake?"
Davesprite folded his arms.
"One: you know I don't eat food. Offering me delicious cake is not only insulting to me, but to all sprite kind. Congrats, Lalonde. You're now a huge racist." It was impossible to tell at the time, but Davesprite narrowed his eyes. "Two: what did you do, Rose?"
"Nothing." Rose stooped and dragged her finger through some of the discarded icing. Bringing her finger to her lips, she sucked off the icing and savored the sweet taste. "Nothing at all."
Thanks for reading.
- Mike