Chapter Twelve: The Vampire Queen of the West
Thanks to justifyingReality413 and button-pusher for reviewing.
It was about seven-o-clock on a Moonsday night. Rosie had just finished brushing her teeth with wizard toothpaste and was getting all snug in her bed, awaiting another epic tale to be spun from the colloquial rhapsody her father was accustomed to dropping on her young self.
She lay in her bed, under the covers, with her favorite stuffed animal (a plush furbettle) under her arm and waited for her father. He would open the door, wearing that signature smirk and his favorite aviators, say something snappy like: 'shit was tonight story night? I totally forgot." And then take a seat in the chair by her bedside.
It was a ritual, a universal law that was never to be broken. However, after an hour of waiting, Rosie's father had yet to come.
Confused, and a little pissed, Rosie slid out of bed and made her way into the hall. She padded on bare feet to the living room, trailing her stuffed toy behind her. Her father was nowhere in sight, although the small girl was quick to notice that her mother was sprawled out over the sofa, snoozing quite heavily.
"Hey." Rosie poked her mother's face with a stiff index finger. "Yo. Wake up."
"Wh- What?" Jade pawed at her face. "N- No. Not there, Dave. I'm not in the mood."
"Mom." Rosie poked harder. "Mom, it's me."
With a low grown, Jade opened her eye a sliver and recognized who was truly disturbing her slumber. With an incredible amount of willpower, commonly found in women of Jade's caliber, the mother pushed herself up into the sitting position and regarded her daughter.
"What are you doing up, Rosie?" She asked, rubbing her eyes. "I thought you went to bed."
"I did, but Dad never came to tell me a story." Rosie clambered up into her mother's lap. "Where is he?"
"Dad went to go visit Uncle John. He won't be back until tomorrow morning probably." Jade, out of reflex, loosely wrapped an arm around her child's middle. "I'm pretty sure we told you that."
"Oh yeah." Now that Rosie thought about it, she did remember her father mentioning his visit to Uncle John. "I guess I forgot."
"Hmmmmm." Jade was already beginning to dose off again.
"Hey! I have an idea." Rosie jabbed her mother in the ribs with her elbow, rousing her again. "Why don't you tell me a story tonight?"
"A story?"
"Yeah! About you and dad and Uncle John! It's called the Greatest Witch Ever and even though it's really stupid, incredibly vulgar, and mildly racist, I really like listening to it!"
Jade was momentarily taken aback. For a moment she simply looked at her daughter with confusion.
"Y- You're dad has been telling you stories about… us?"
"Yup! How you met and how you defeated all the Evil Mages and all that stuff!"
Jade tightened her grip on her daughter. Rosie couldn't see it, but her mother's eyes had suddenly become very distant.
"That isn't… It's not…" Jade sighed and ground her teeth. "That story isn't really for kids. I don't think your dad should be telling you it."
"Well, he is! It's too late, don't start thinking I'm too young for this stuff." Rosie twisted in her mother's lap. "I really wanna know what happens next. Dad sort of left us on a cliffhanger last time."
Jade was hesitant, as she really didn't feel comfortable sharing the tales of adventures past. She was a different person then, younger, less inhibited, more reckless. Motherhood had changed her. Her adventuring/monsterslaying/kick-assing days were far behind her.
Yet, as she looked into her daughter's eyes, full of hope and excitement, she couldn't find the heart to deny her.
"Fine." Jade rubbed the final dregs of sleep from her eyes. "Where did Dad leave off?"
"Well, Roxy had just tried to give John a cake and he like flipped shit, smashed the cake, and ran off into the forest or something."
"My god, you're already on chapter eleven? Damn." Jade wracked her brains, thinking back years and years ago. "Okay, well I guess what happened next was…"
John was having a full-blown panic attack. He stumbled through the haunted Forest of Franklin, blindly tripping over roots and logs in an attempt to escape from the horrible, delicious terror that he had been confronted with mere moments prior.
"John!" Roxy called for her boyfriend, wildly crashing through the trees and bushes in an attempt to find him. "What's the matter, babe! Come on back! I'm sorry for… whatever it is I did!"
Stumbling over his own feet, John staggered out into a clearing and fell to his knees. He was shaking and quivering like a leaf. (Almost like one of those wizard Shake Weight things your dad bought when he was on one of his 'health kicks')
Roxy, with her awesome cat-like sense of smell, followed him through the trees and eventually spotted him on the ground.
"John!" She ran to his side. "Are you okay? Come here, baby, let me get a good look at you."
As she tried to pull him towards her, John recoiled as if he'd been burned by her touch.
"I- I'm fine." He stammered. "So fine. J- Just give me a second, okay?"
"Tell me what's wrong, hun."
John just shook his head in response.
"I- I need to be alone. Could you leave me alone?"
Roxy gaped, frozen in shock. Here she was, having just gone through a ton of trouble to make her boyfriend a nice cake, and he was reacting like she'd just tried to give a sandwich with mayo, mustard, ketchup, and fish hooks on his grandmother's eyes! It was completely irrational and weird!
The Werecat was having none of it.
"John." She grabbed him by the cheeks and forced him to face her. "What in the name of Pippin and Merry is wrong with you?"
"C-Cake." John managed. "Y- You had cake."
"Well, duh. I made it for you, silly!"
"Why! Do you hate me?!"
"Hate you?" Roxy was more surprised and hurt than ever. "How could you possibly think that?! I was trying to do something nice."
"By making me a cake? Roxy, look at me," John held his arms wide, presenting himself to his girlfriend. "I'm diabetic! You can't give me cake!"
"How was I supposed to know that just by looking at you?!"
"You could have asked me!"
"Oh! My bad!" Roxy threw her hands in the air. "Forgive me for not running through the list of chronic diseases during our first date! I should know to always check the blood-glucose level of my bf's blood! How stupid of me!"
John pulled away from her, angrily rubbing at his arms as if to restore lost warmth.
"You could have killed me." He muttered quietly.
"Sorry. Damn, I just thought that you liked cake."
"Seriously?!" John was incredulous. "What ever gave you that idea!?"
"Rose told me that you love cake." Roxy folded her arms. "Those were her exact words."
"Rose wouldn't have told you that. She knows that I hate cake."
"Well then, are you calling me a liar!?"
"I ain't calling you a truther!"
Suddenly, Roxy jumped to her feet. She glared down at John with a fire in her eyes, intense enough to burn a hole that some paper that a wizard had cast an anti-burn spell on. That is to say, her gaze was pretty intense.
"You know what? Fuck you and your lame-ass diabetes." She spat.
Jade brought the story to a grinding halt. Had she really just cursed In the presence of her daughter? That was not kosher, by any stretch of the imagination.
However, Rosie didn't seem to notice at all. In fact, the young girl was so thoroughly enthralled with the story, it was almost like she hadn't even noticed the swears at all.
Jade didn't know whether to be disappointed or pleased. She coughed into her hand and continued, making a better effort to censor herself.
I mean, what really happened was:
"You know what? Forget you and your lame-butt diabetes." She spat "I'll see you around, Egbert."
Then she gave him a pair of upside-down middle fingers…
I mean, she made a capital letter "L" with her fingers, calling John a loser, and stalked away angrily into the forest, leaving him alone, on the ground, still recovering from the intense shock of being confronted with a massive cake in the middle of a spooky woods.
At the edge of the clearing, Rose and Davesprite hid among the thick bushes and watched the scene as it unfolded.
"Yes!" Rose cheered quietly, as she peered through her binoculars.
"You're a real bitch- I mean, meanie-head, you know that, Lalonde?" Davesprite was looking through his badonkulars, watching Roxy disappear into the woods and not checking out her butt at all. "I hope you're happy with yourself. You've probably just broken up what could have potentially been a very healthy and prosperous relationship."
"Oh, give me a break. John and Roxy have absolutely zero concrete chemistry." Rose passed Davesprite his binoculars again. "She's all fun and spunky and interesting. John is… Well, he's John! It would never have worked out. In the end, I did them a favor."
"Keep telling yourself that." Davesprite sighed. "I suppose you're going to go swoop in now and act out the part of faithful best-friend/re-potential love interest, huh?"
"Yup. Don't wait up." Shoving her way through the bushes, Rose entered the clearing and walked over towards John.
Davesprite simply shook his head and floated away after Roxy, back towards the bonecar.
John, who was lamenting the cruelty of the universe, suddenly became aware that there was someone new standing over him. Looking up, he found himself faced with the violet eyes of the one and only Rose Lalonde, greatest witch ever.
"Oh. Hey, Rose." He said, looking back at the ground again. "W-What's up with you?"
"I heard some shouting." Rose knelt by his side. "Are you okay?"
"I dunno." John sighed. "I'm pretty sure Roxy and I just had a really big fight. In fact, we might be broken up now."
"Oh noooooooo." Said Rose. "How awful! I knew that rogue was no good."
"Yeah. I guess you can say that she rogued my heart."
"... I'm not sure if 'rogue' can be used as a verb, but I think I get what you're trying to say." Rose tentatively wrapped her arms around John. "Regardless, I want you to know that I'm here for you, alright?"
"Thanks, Rose." John was starting to feel a whole lot better! "Will you walk with me back to the bonecar?"
"Of course! You don't even have to ask."
Taking John by the arm, Rose led him from the clearing and back into the woods. Her mind was abuzz after this most recent victory, swelling her ego to new, dizzying proportions. Not only was she a master witch of the mind, body, and soul, but apparently she possessed the ability to wield magic over the heart too! Needless to say, all this sweet power instantly went to her head.
Back at the bonecar, Roxy was angrily packing her bags.
"I'm outta here." She said, violently shoving a bedroll into her backpack. "Good luck fighting your mages, guys. I don't think I should travel with you, not after my fight with John."
"Where are you going to go?" Jade, the most beautiful and sophisticated woman ever, asked worriedly. "Back to the City of Lakewater?
"Heck no. There's nothing left in that town for Werecat rogue like me." Roxy slung her bag onto her back. "I'm heading north. I hear the Emerald City is, like, one of the coolest towns around."
"You shouldn't leave." Davesprite said, folding his arms. He was well-aware of Rose's meddling, but thanks to the magical tether he shared with the witch, he was pre-disposed not to rat her out. "Something tells me that John has already gotten over what happened and really wants to apologize."
"I dunno." Roxy exhaled deeply and scuffed her boots in the dirt. "I kinda get the feeling that he likes Rose anyways."
"No!" Jade exclaimed, sharing a nervous glance with Davesprite. "I mean, they're just friends. You know that."
However, at that very moment, John and Rose came out of the woods, arm in arm, laughing at some shared, private joke. Roxy caught sight of the happy and smiling pair, and instantly felt sick.
"Tell them I said 'bye'." She said, blinking back tears. Then she threw down some ninja-smoke and disappeared with a small poof.
Davesprite and Jade exchanged another glance, both of them not only displeased with the recent acts, but also thoroughly confused. How had everything managed to do a complete one-eighty so quickly?
"Hey, guys." John approached with Rose still on his arm. "Have either of you seen Roxy?"
Jade and Davesprite looked at each other again, exchanging the third silent conversation in as many minutes. (Your dad and I are just in-sync like that) They both agreed that John must be told the truth, albeit as gently as possible.
"I'm sorry, John. But…" Davesprite rested a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Your sorry butt just got dumped hardcore ultimate style."
Jade angrily slapped Davesprite in the arm, disappointed with his tactlessness.
"I think what Davesprite is trying to say, John." She corrected. "Is that Roxy just needs some time for herself. She said that she was heading north for a bit."
"All alone?" John grew worried. "Oh man. This sucks! I really liked her…"
"Well she tried to kill you with cake. What can I say? Love is a battlefield." Rose clapped her hands. "Alright, team! So this Vampire Queen, amirite?"
"What about her?"
"We should probably get going. She isn't going to slay herself, is she?" Climbing into to the driver's seat of the bonecar, Rose turned the key in the ignition. The powerful, magical engine roared to life. Wow! Jade sure did a good job repairing that engine. Isn't she the best!?
"Everyone get in." Commanded Rose with uncharacteristic excitement. "I thirst for vampire blood!"
Everyone piled in, with varying levels of reluctance and melancholy, and soon the group was off, westward bound once more. As Rose weaved the bonecar in and out of trees, covering ground in record time, John sadly leaned over the side of the bonecar, watching as the ground raced along beneath the magical wheels.
From the passenger's seat, Jade watched John sigh heavily and just look all around depressed as could be! The Weredog leaned over the consol and confronted Rose quietly:
"He looks really sad. You should say something to him."
"Like what? Sorry that I broke up you and your girlfriend? Pass." Rose steered the bonecar around a large boulder. "Let him mourn in peace. When the time is right, I'll come clean about my feelings and consummate our relationship."
"What happened to you, Rose?" Jade asked, a little sadly. "I mean, I knew you had the capacity to be a real jerk, but I didn't think you'd stoop this low."
Rose shrugged.
"I'm a go-getter. What's the point of just 'wanting' something when you could actually 'have' it? It's the sort of determination I possess that will insure my victory against the Vampire Queen and all of the Mages. It's why I'm such a great witch. Some would even go as far to say the greatest ever."
"Yes. How could I forget?" Jade leaned back in her seat. "Rose Lalonde always gets what she wants, even John."
"It's for the best." Rose cast Jade a quick glance before looking back to the road ahead. "You'll see."
"I certainly hope so."
After, like, thirty minutes of driving, Rose brought the bonecar to a halt just outside of the Forest of Franklin. The group found themselves faced with a large, rocky plateau that blotted out the sun above. Directly ahead, in the face of the plateau itself, was carved an ornate tunnel entrance.
"The entrance to the catacombs of Virgo's Keep." Rose explained, killing the bonecar engine. "Prepare yourself, companions. We are about to face our most challenging challenge yet."
"Worse than the Crab King?" Asked John.
"Yup."
"Worse than the Cool Cats?" Asked Jade, who was still salty about her repeated humiliation at the hands of those dreadful rogues.
"Mhmm."
"Worse than John and Roxy's sudden and brutal breakup?" Asked Davesprite, once again displaying a spectacular ability to avoid discretion at all cost.
John let out a little, sad sniffle and immediately changed the subject:
"What's the plan, Rose? How are we going to beat this Queen of the Vampires?"
Rose drew her wands.
"With some awesome and radical magic, of course." She said and then confidently led the way into the tunnel.
The Catacombs of Virgo's Keep are an extensive network of tunnels that supposedly run all the way from the Giant Plateau in the West to Owl Bay in the very South of Skaia. Apparently, ancient, gnome runaway slaves used the tunnels as a sort of underground train station or something, until King Martin Luther King Jr. ended gnome racism in the great slave battle during the year of one hundred and six.
Gnome slavery was one of the darkest periods in Skaia history, a time period where gnomes were forced to do things that they didn't want to. Such as: work in the pain mine, drink spoiled milk, and break up with their girlfriends. After gnome slavery ended, the Vampire Queen supposedly took control of Virgo's Keep and its tunnels, utilizing them for her fiendish acts.
The group made their way into the tunnels. Soon, it became pitch black, and Rose was forced to use a flashlight spell to light the way. The group walked and walked for what felt like hours. The walls of the tunnels were covered with gross slime and the ground was evenly sprinkled with clumps of cool-looking stalagmites.
"Look at this one, John" Said Davesprite, trying to cheer up his mopey friend. "It sort of looks like Roxy- Oh… Oh wait. Never mind. Forget I said anything."
John sighed. The stalagmite did look like Roxy.
Jade quickly tried her hand.
"Look at this one though! It's a cone!" Sure enough, the stalagmite did, in fact, resemble a cone. "Isn't that cool, John?"
"I guess." Sighed John. "Heh. That one sort of looks like a vampire."
"Wow! It really does!"
"Wait a minute…"
Suddenly, the vampire that was posing as a stalagmite leapt into the light of Rose's wand with a feral hiss. The vampire had grey skin and glowing, red eyes. Sharp talons protruded from his fingers and its white fangs glimmered in the dim light.
"Sup, losers!" Snarled the vampire. "Yall best get out of here before you get cut!"
"I'll show you a cut!" Davesprite swung his magical sword and cleaved the vampire in two.
"HAHAHAHA!" Cackled the vampire as the slash across his stomach healed itself. "Your poo poo weapons are nothing to my vampire healing factor- OH GOD MY HEART!"
As he was talking, Rose blasted him in the chest with a powerful heart attack spell, giving the vampire a severe heart attack and killing him instantly over the course of the next few minutes.
"Take that, you blood-sucking sonovabiscuit." Rose blew imaginary smoke off the tips of her wands. "Come on. Let us press forward. Vampires rarely travel alone."
Sure enough, the further they traveled into the catacombs, the more vampires they encountered. Rose's heart attack spells were effective, yes, but casting them took precise aim and concentration. More than once, a vampire dodged her spell and attacked with impressive strength.
"HAHAHAHA! Nice spell, witch." Laughed one vampire as Rose's spell missed its mark. "But it's gonna take more than that to bring me down- OH GOD MY SPINE!"
As he was talking, Jade performed this really neat flip and struck his vertebrae with a roundhouse kick, instantly turning his bones to powder and paralyzing him from the neck down.
"Hey come on, guys." Called the vampire as the group walked away. "Yall know that I was just playin, right?"
However, our group did not heed his words, but continued to search for the Vampire Queen herself. After, like, two hours of that bullcrap, a strange sound began to fill the tunnel, echoing of the walls and reverberating intensely. It was a sharp clack clack clack, like thousands of type writers at once.
Rounding a corner, our heroes were suddenly faced with a large cavern, not unlike the one they discovered whilst facing the Crab King. Covering the floor of the cavern, were hundreds upon thousands of sewing machines, each manned by a vampire who was churning out colorful fabric with impressive speed. The walls and ceiling were draped with beautiful tapestries of cloth and sitting on a very elegant throne in the middle of it all, was the Vampire Queen herself.
"Oh my undead rings." Gasped John. "She's… She's… beautiful."
And she was. The Vampire Queen's grey skin was beautifully complimented with her flowing red gown, her dark hair was perfectly sculpted into a fancy do, and a pair of stylish candy-corn-colored horns sat atop her head.
"Beautiful or not, she must be defeated." Rose readied her wands and called loudly above the clitter clatter of machines: "Hey! Hey, Vampire Queen! Look over here!"
The Vampire Queen, who had been examining a really well-organized portfolio of evening wear, looked up and noticed the newcomers.
"Intruders!" She gasped, rising to her feet. "How did you manage to breach my inner sanctum? And in those outfits of all things!"
"We walked in through the main entrance," John explained, pointing behind him. "And what's wrong with our outfits?"
"Oh! Where do I even begin?!" The Vampire Queen regally stepped down from her throne and weaved her way through the many sewing machines to reach out group. She picked at John's shirt disdainfully. "Flannel? In early winter? Egad! It's much too early to have this much blue in one place."
She turned to Jade next.
"Is that a sleeveless leather vest?! Ugh!" She poked at Jade's middle. "Where's the femininity? The color? The shape?! It's a wonder you've lasted this long with such dreadful attire! AND YOU!" She pointed a shaking finger at Davesprite. "O-Orange?!"
"I make it work." Shrugged Davesprite, adjusting his sweet shades that Jade totally didn't find attractive at the time.
"This is a true travesty, a dishonor among the highest of variety, a true blot of red on an otherwise pearly white…" She trailed off when she caught sight of Rose. "Well, well, well… What have we here?"
The Vampire Queen examined everything, from Rose's robes, to the skirt beneath, to the knee-high boots and the purple headband, and even the tiny bit of mascara she wore to make her eyes really pop!
"You, my sweet, are a true diamond in the rough." The Vampire Queen smiled at Rose. "Tell me, darling, what is your name?"
"Rose Lalonde."
"Well, Rose Lalonde." The Queen trailed a finger up Rose's arm. "It's… refreshing to see a woman with such refined taste. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance."
"We're here to kill you." John blurted suddenly.
The Vampire Queen froze. She turned and examined the group, for the first time noticing the deadly weapons possessed by each.
"Oh my. Really?" She laughed nervously. "Why would you ever want to do that?"
"I require your Key of Fate." Explained Rose. "My ultimate goal is to defeat the Dragon Mistress of the North. You, Queen of Vampires, are standing in my path towards glory and must therefore be eliminated. I challenge thee to a Duel of Wizardly Strife!"
"Pass."
"Drat!" Rose cursed. "Why? Why won't you duel me?!"
"I'm a pacifist." The Vampire Queen pulled out a small hand mirror and reapplied her lipstick. "If you want to fight, go curse out one of the drunken fools the local tavern. I'm much too elegant and civilized for such barbaric pastimes."
"Uh, you do know that you live in a cave, right?" Davesprite asked.
Before the Vampire Queen could respond, Rose stepped forward and, in a fit of anger, attempted to shove away the Vampire Queen's hand mirror. What happened instead was that the Queen's jade lipstick was inadvertently smeared up her cheek.
The Vampire Queen gasped and looked at her reflection, examining the screw-up.
"Oh, Rose." She sighed, snapping her small mirror closed with a sharp snap. "You should not have done that."
With incredible speed, the Vampire Queen twisted her lipstick tube and transformed it into a motherfucking chainsaw…
I mean, a really cool chainsaw! She revved the powerful weapon and, with a bloodcurdling screech, leapt at Rose.
A split second before she was surely sliced in half, Rose leapt out of the way and responded with a quick volley of spells. The duel was on. As the sexy Vampire Queen and the comely Witch battled it out, weaving in and out of sewing machines, stabbing and hacking at each other, John, Davesprite, and Jade awkwardly stood there and watched.
"Hey," John caught the attention of the nearest vampire minion, who was halfway through sewing a fancy-looking pair of pantaloons. "Aren't you guys, like, going to fight us or something?"
"Psshh. Heck no." Replied the vampire. "Fighting interlopers is not in my job description. I don't get paid nearly enough for that crap."
"Wait a minute." A nearby vampire leaned into the conversation. "You're getting paid for this? I thought we were bound by some unspoken law that governed all undead vampirical beings!"
"What? No. No, that's not true at all."
"Well then forget this!" Cried the vampire as he overturned his workstation. "I'm out of here!"
And then he walked out of the cavern, became hopelessly lost in the catacombs, and slowly starved to death over the course of the next three months.
Nobody cared.
The Vampire Queen deflected one of Rose's spells with her chainsaw and leapt forward, bringing her deadly weapon down for a mighty strike. At the last second, Rose raised her wands and blocked the attack. Their respective weapons clashed in a shower of sparks, illuminating the cave with a haunting, yet awesome, lighting effect.
"I want to help her," Said Jade. "But then again, I kinda wanna see how this turns out on it's own."
"Do you think Rose is going to lose?" Asked John with concern.
"Heck no. I bet she burns this prissy vampire to a crisp with her next spell." Answered Davesprite, confidently. "Look! Here it comes."
Rose twirled her wand and fired a powerful flame spell directly at the Vampire Queen. As the flames bared down on the Evil Mage, it seemed as if the duel was about to brought to a quick and decisive victory. However, as the flames consumed the Queen, there were no screams, but instead a shrill laugh that filled the cavern.
The flames dissipated to reveal the Vampire Queen, unharmed by Rose's spell.
"Nice one, Rose Lalonde." Commented the mage, as she buffed her nails on her dress. "But you'll have to do better than that to kill a vampire."
Rose gritted her teeth.
"Then bring it, you blood-sucking fiend!"
The two clashed again, fighting with all of their might, and dueling with all of their spirit. It was an even match, with each combatant either blocking, dodging, or parrying they're opponents attack. The battle probably would have gone on forever, if not for what happened next:
The Vampire Queen's chainsaw met Rose's wands and each of the women held their ground. They were locked in a stalemate, frozen in the middle of the heat of battle.
Struggling to hold her ground, Rose screamed at the Vampire Queen:
"I'll fucking kill you!" She shouted.
"I'll fucking kiss you!" Responded the Queen.
Then the pair threw aside their weapons and met in a furious embrace, locking lips, and initiating the hottest make-out session you ever did see. Everyone within attendance got a little dizzy from all the lovey dove hot sweet smexy sexiness that was taking place.
"What a strange turn of events." Commented John as he watched Rose and Vampire Queen round first and then steal second base. "And yet, I can't find the heart to be upset by this."
"I think I like girls now." Admitted Jade, tugging at her collar.
"Eh." Davesprite shrugged. "I've seen better."
"Really?" John was intrigued. "What's better than this?"
"Have you ever seen two minotaurs going at it?"
"No."
"Well then. Let me tell you friend. When two minotaurs get going…" Davesprite leaned over and whispered in John's ear.
John stiffened and let out a tiny 'eep!'.
"Oh me, oh my." He said as Davesprite pulled away. "I think I'm getting the vapors!"
"You think two minotaurs consummating their relationship is hot? I've seen something waaaay better than that." Jade leaned in close. "Have you ever heard of a 169?"
"What's that?"
"It's when two people 69 and a third person just stands there and watches."
"Oh geez." Davesprite shivered. "Don't tell me you're into that, Harley. I may just have to call your daddy."
Jade giggled.
"Good luck. My dad is dead!"
John felt pretty sure that that most recent revelation was sort of a mood killer. However, with Rose and the Vampire Queen still dueling with tongues, he felt that he could recover.
Down below the pair of sorceresses continued to kiss.
"You kiss like a punk bitch!" Spat Rose, as she pulled away momentarily.
"You kiss like a double punk bitch!" Snarled the Vampire Queen before she recaptured Rose's lips with hers.
This went on for like two hours.
Eventually Rose could take it no more and fell away from the Vampire Queen, weakened by the fierce lip smushing that had taken place. The Vampire Queen stood over Rose, victorious.
"Nicthe job, Lalonde." Glaoted the Vampire Queen, now with a lisp. "But it'sth time for you to be sthlayed!"
"I wouldn't be so sure about that." Replied Rose, grinning up from her position on the ground.
"What are you sthaying? I won!" The Vampire Queen knelt and grabbed Rose by the neck, holding her still. "Prepare to have your blood sthucked!"
"How will you suck my blood," Rose opened her mouth, revealing a pair of pearly-white fangs sitting on her tongue. "Without your fangs?"
The Vampire Queen's eyes widened. She put a hand to her mouth and, sure enough, found her precious fangs to be gone.
Rose had kissed them right out of her mouth!
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" Wailed the Vampire Queen, burying her face in her hands. "Thisth can't be!"
"But it is." Rose climbed to her feet and pocketed the fangs in her satchel. "Face it, Queen of Vampires. Your reign has come to an end. Hand over your Key of Fate and perhaps I'll let you live."
"I- I musthn't!" Sobbed the Queen. "If I give you my Key of Fate, I'll be kicked out of the Evil Magesth of Sthcaia for sthure!"
"Well you should have thought about that before you challenged me."
"You challenged me!"
"Whatever!" Rose kicked the Vampire Queen onto her back and pointed her wands at her threateningly. "Key! Now!"
Still sobbing uncontrollably, the Vampire Queen reached into her dress pocket and produced a tiny, silver key. Rose snatched it from her hand and raised the Key of Fate victoriously into the air as a wicked guitar solo played in the background!
"Nice one, Rose!" Cheered John as he ran to her side. "That's two mages down and two more to go!"
"Stho confident!" Scoffed the Vampire Queen from where she lay. "You may hathve defeated me, Rose Lalonde, but you'll nethver defeat the Bee Lord!"
"That's what the last bitch-ass evil mage said." Rose lifted her wands. "Do you know what happened to him?"
"No."
In answer, Rose blasted the Vampire Queen with a powerful bullet spell that punched a hole through her chest, killing her instantly a few seconds later.
"Oh. Stho that'sth what happened." Gasped the Vampire Queen. Then she died.
"Suck a hundred demon dicks in the underworld, you sexy bitch."
Davesprite and Jade walked over to join John and Rose, together they all stood around the Vampire Queen's corpse.
"I'm really proud of you, Rose." Said John, stepping closer to the witch.
"Thanks, John." Rose stepped closer to him as well. "Even though you really didn't do much of anything at all, I really appreciate your support."
Tentatively, like two shy schoolchildren, the pair met in a chaste kiss. In that moment, fireworks erupted in John's brain and Rose realized something earth-shattering:
She did not like John Egbert.
She was just jealous of all the attention he was giving Roxy and wanted it for herself. She truly was the greatest bitch ever.
They separated after a moment.
"Wow." Breathed John.
"Shit." Muttered Rose.
"Hey, guys!" Jade drew their attention. "I thought that vampires couldn't be killed by bullet spells."
"They can't." Rose quickly pulled away from John, adjusting her headband nervously. "She'll probably come back to life in a few seconds."
"What?!" Exclaimed John, still high off the kiss. "We have to make sure that doesn't happen!"
Everyone looked down at the Vampire Queen.
"I have an idea." Said Davesprite.
And then they cut out the Vampire Queen's heart, ground it into a powder, rolled the powder into a massive joint, and got high as hell. And you know that when you smoke a Vampire Queen's heart, that shit is next level.
END OF PART TWO.
By the time that Jade finished the last sentence, Rosie had already fallen asleep in her arms. Good thing too. Towards the end there, Jade sort of lost track of her self-imposed censorship. The truth is just too undeniable!
"I hope you caught all that." Said Jade as she stood, gently cradling her daughter in her arms. "Because there's no way I'm retelling that mess."
She carried Rosie down the hall and to her bedroom, depositing the young girl on her bed and tucking her in snugly. As she was finishing up, the sound of the front door opening and closing could be heard from the main room.
Jade quietly left Rosie's room and returned to the living room just in time to see Dave shrugging off his traveling cloak.
"Hey, babe." Smirked Dave. "I know I said that I'd get home tomorrow, but this wizard with a flying carpet offered me a ride and there's no way in hell that I'm saying 'no' to a flying carpet ride, amirite?"
"You're telling Rosie about the greatest witch ever." Jade said, ignoring his words.
Dave froze. He had been super busted.
"Uh… Yes?" He stepped forward and took his wife by the hands. "It's just for fun though, a little something to put her to sleep easier. I'm keeping it strictly PG, maybe a little PG-13 if I can't avoid it. Alright, maybe it goes full-blown R sometimes. I ain't sugarcoating shit."
"Dave." Jade gripped her husband's hands tightly. "You shouldn't tell her about that stuff. That story… That story does not have a happy ending."
"I dunno." Dave pulled Jade closer with one arm and gestured around the home with the other. "This seems pretty happy to me."
"You know what I'm talking about." Jade pushed herself gently away from. For a moment they simply stood there, feet apart, in silence. "I'm going to bed. There are leftovers in the wizard fridge."
And then she walked away, leaving Dave alone in the darkened living room.
That's not the last we'll see of Roxy. She'll be around again. It will probably be a while before I start posting the next "season" of this shit, as I still have like three and a half chapters left of it to write. I dunno when I'll start posting, but let's shoot for a week from today, so Dec. 14th. It might be sooner, probably later. I dunno.
I have to finish up John: Try To Understand and study for finals, so you know.
Thanks for reading.
- Mike