Chapter Fourteen: Looming Tower of Necromancy
Thanks to justifyingReality413 (a lot of reasons) and readwritebeawesome for reviewing.
On the outskirts of Wooftown, Rose and her companions bid farewell to Jake, the kindly mayor who had helped Jade fight out her hormonal aggression by beating up a bunch of other Weredogs. For more information on Jade's battle with the other Weredogs, check out Chapter Thirteen: Jade Goes through Puberty.
Anyways:
"Are you sure that you don't want to stay here, Miss Harley?" Asked Jake. "There are many great opportunities for Weredogs, such as yourself, here in Wooftown."
"No thanks, Grandpa." Jade shook her head, but smiled. "My friends need me. There's only one life for an adventuring gal like me and that's a life on the open road!"
"Well then I hope to see you again someday, all of you." Jake shook Rose's hand and nodded to everyone else, before turning back and walking into town.
"What a lovely old man." Commented John, as the group piled into their bonecar once again. "You know, it's really refreshing to see nice people out here. Usually everyone we bump into is either really mean or they just try to kill us."
"Oh don't worry, John. We're bound to have more random hostile encounters soon." Rose started the engine of the bonecar. "Now, pop out that map and let's get going. We've got a lot of ground to cover."
The group drove away from Wooftown and further south, plotting a course directly to where the Bee Lord of the South was rumored to reside. They rode well into the night and throughout the next day, through the Forest of Franklin, over the Bridge of Purulence, around the great lava river and finally to the edge of the Moonbear Desert.
Rose brought the bonecar to a slow stop right at the edge of the massive desert.
"Alright. Everyone wake up. I think there's a few things we need to discuss before venturing forward." She said, rousing the rest of her party who had fallen asleep during the journey.
"Why are we stopped?" Asked Jade with a massive yawn. "I thought we were going to drive straight through to Owl Bay."
"The Moonbear Desert is a dangerous place and charging headfirst into it's depths is both foolish and dangerous." Rose responded, turning in her seat to look at Jade and Davesprite. "Once we venture past it's borders there is no turning back. Moonbears, Sandbeetles, and nomadic bandits prey on unsuspecting travelers. It's important for us to be on guard."
"We should be fine with this bonecar." John patted the console fondly. "I mean, we shouldn't be in any real danger when we can just outrun everything, right?"
"Damn straight." Agreed Davesprite. "Come on, Rose. We get it. This desert is hella scary and you wanna make sure that all of your best buds are safe, but let's not get all sentimental, alright? I dunno if my ghostly heart can take it."
"I'm just trying to proceed with caution. Too many times does an adventurer find themselves in danger by rushing into a hazardous situation head-on." Rose started the engine and slowly drove the bonecar forwards one more. "But if you insist that you'll full prepared, let us press onward. You'll have no complaint from me."
The group rode directly into the heart of the desert.
"Seriously though," Said Davesprite once their quest was once again underway. "What's the worst that could happen?"
Five minutes later the bonecar's engine spluttered and died.
"Shit."
They had come to a stop at the top of a large sand dune. The sun beat down upon them like the heat of a thousand flaming hot Firefalcons, which are just regular falcons accept that they on fire twenty-four seven. Do not pet a Firefalcon, no matter what they tell you.
If a Firefalcon is like: "Hey, come stroke my feathers and I'll grant you a wish."
You turn and run, because that thing is a fucking liar and you will burn to death.
Anyways:
"I think this might be the end of the line for 'ol Veronica." Said Jade sadly, as she peered into the engine. The whole thing was smoking and sparking with magical energy. "It looks like the dilithium crystals have been burnt up."
"Is there any way we could replace them?" Asked Rose, trying in vain to peek over the taller girl's shoulder.
"Oh sure. If there was a dilithium mine around here, a plasma cutter, and if we had over twenty hours to kill then, yeah. I could definitely replace them." Jade slammed the hood shut and looked at Rose with an eyebrow cocked. "Or maybe… you could magic a new bonecar!"
Rose shook her head.
"It's like I said before, bonecars such as this are too complicated to simply conjure. I could probably produce the crystals and whatever other simple tools you needed, but we do not have the time for that." Rose unbuttoned her dark robes and tied them around her waist. "Come on. We better get walking."
Groaning, moaning, and bitching, John, Davesprite, and Jade fell in step behind Rose and began to trek across the Moonbear desert.
Fun Fact: after sitting alone in the desert for over a hundred years, the bonecar was buried beneath tons and tons of sand. One day, an explorer accidently uncovered it and thought he discovered a new type of dinosaur. After years and years of meticulous work, the explorer pieced the individual parts of the bonecar together to form a new type of dinosaur that had never really existed.
The explorer would win a Nobel Prize for his discovery of the Grundle-saurous Rex, but really it was all just a sham.
Anyways:
The walk through the desert was brutal on our poor heroes. Rose's skin went from ghostly pale to firecracker red in about ten seconds. She probably would have developed some type of skin cancer (which is a serious and completely unfunny ailment that could affect anyone don't go outside kids) were it not for her innate magical abilities. Jade, who was accustomed to tropical climates, fared much better, although her tongue continuously flopped out of mouth as she panted with thirst. John stumbled clumsily over the fine grains of sand, trying to keep up with Rose who plowed ahead despite the intense heat.
"Holy shit. This is awful. Why did we come here?" Moaned Davesprite from where he trailed behind the group.
"Shove it, sprite!" Rose snapped back. "You can't get hot, tired, thirsty, or sunburnt. So stop your god-damn complaining, you ghostly piece of trashy trash!"
"I can tell that we're all a little high-strung right now," Davesprite placated. "But that's no reason to toss around hurtful comments like gold coins at a minotaur gentlemen's club."
Rose sighed.
"You're right, Davesprite. I apologize. It's just that this heat is so unforgiving."
"Maybe we should take shelter and then continue on at night." Offered John.
"Maybe, but I do not see any place suitable for such a recess. It's not like there are abandoned wizard towers out here, looming over the sands with unspeakable magic power." Said Rose.
At that moment, our group mounted the crest of a large sand dune and saw a motherfucking abandoned wizard tower down below, looming over the sands with unspeakable magic power. John looked at Rose with awe. She truly was magical.
"Oh my sandy rings!" He gasped. "Guys, are you seeing this too?"
Jade shielded her eyes from the sun and looked down at the mysterious tower.
"Yup!" You cheered after a moment. "That's definitely a wizard tower and not some mirage! I think we're in luck."
"We should proceed with caution." Advised Rose once more as she drew her wands. "We've encountered magical strongholds like this before and they rarely house pleasantries. Prepare yourselves."
And then she led her party down the sandy dune and towards the mysterious tower, careful to watch for any hidden booby traps along the way. The tower was about fifty feet tall and constructed of a shiny, black stone. Hung from the boarded-up windows were drapes of tattered and ruined banners, one of which read: "PAAAARRRRRTTY!"
Must have been some party.
Jade and Rose approached the wooden door with their weapons drawn. Exchanging a quick glance and a nod, they proceeded to shove the door open and rush inside. Jade, with her crossbow raised, immediately spotted a pair of mummified skeletons sitting at a table and building a house of cards.
"Shit!" One skeleton yelled in surprise as Jade charged in, causing his carefully constructed house of cards to collapse. "Dammit, Fred! I told you that we were supposed to be guarding the outside of the door."
"I still think that order was up to interpretation." Responded the other skeleton, named Fred. Then he too caught sight of the intruders. "OH MY GOD, INTRUDERS!"
Jade fired a crossbow bolt into Fred's eye socket.
"Aw shit! My eye socket!" Cried Fred, who was otherwise unwounded because he was a skeleton.
Duh.
Rose fired a bullet spell that took off the top of the other skeleton's head, double killing him. Fred the skeleton, with the crossbow bolt still lodged firmly in his face, stood up and screamed.
"That was my boyfriend, you dirty bitch!"
Twirling her wands, Rose transfigured Fred the skeleton in a pear, which Jade then promptly pinned to the wall with another crossbow bolt.
"Strange couple." Commented Rose, investigating the rest of the tower entrance.
It was a circular room, with a cozy fireplace, a wooden table plus chair combo probably from wizard IKEA, and a thin staircase against the far wall leading upwards into the rest of the wizard tower. John and Davesprite entered the tower after the girls.
"Wow." Davesprite let out a low whistle as he floated about the room. "Pretty nice place for just a couple of silly old skeletons."
"I doubt they are this tower's only inhabitants." No sooner were the words out of Rose's mouth than a loud thud was heard from upstairs, as if something heavy had been dropped on the floor. "Come on, team. Let us investigate the dark sorcery emanating from within this mysterious tower."
Together, our group ascended the staircase to the second floor to another room much like the one below, albeit lined with bookshelves housing all sorts of interesting bullshit. There were evil books that shouted dark curses when you opened them, fedoras that granted the wearer negative a billion charisma, and a little songbug trapped in a jar. When he saw our heroes,the songbug began to sing"
"Don't you be coming into this tower, baby!
There are all types of spooky things!
Monsters and ghouls and bloodsucking imps,
Terrors of the night and my big swinging dick- OH GOD WHHHHYYYyyyy!"
Seizing the songbug's jar, Jade hurled it to the ground, broke it, and proceeded to murder the ever-living shit out of the songbug by stepping on it over and over again.
Rosie, your mom really hated songbugs.
"Hey, they had hats like these in the Cool Cat's clubhouse." John said, picking up one of the fedoras. "Roxy told me not to touch them."
As John placed the hat over his head, his charisma was lowered to a meager negative a billion. Instantly, Jade and Davesprite rushed over to him and started punching John in his poor bones. They were involuntarily infuriated by John's now abysmal levels of charisma! Rose, who was immune to such enchantments, rushed over and removed the hat from John's head. Davesprite and Jade immediately stopped pounding on their friend.
"Don't wear fedoras." Rose warned, burning the hat to cinders with a quick spell.
Up on the third floor, they encountered something crazy! There in the center of another circular room, stood a skeleton necromancer over a cauldron of bubbling fluid. Careful not to alert the skeleton to their presence, Rose and the rest of the gang hid just outside the doorway and watched as the skeleton worked his evil magic.
"Janesprite!" Barked the skeleton. "Bring me the caramel drizzler!"
From the shadows, floated a blue sprite with the cutest smile, most pinch-able cheeks, and prettiest eyes you ever did see, hidden behind a pair of wire spectacles. She carried a small cup with a spout in her little sprite hands, which she handed over to her skeleton master.
"Here you go, Scott." Said Janesprite happily. "Is this the final ingredient?"
"You bet your ghostly ass it is." Scott, the necromancer, used the caramel drizzler to drizzle caramel over his concoction. A puff of purple smoke billowed from the caldron and when it cleared, the nature of the evil wizard's potion was revealed. "Finally!" Bellowed Scott. "I've created a masterpiece! The perfect macchiato!"
"Shit." Rose gasped, with a sharp intake of breath. John looked at her with confusion.
"What's wrong?" He whispered. "He's just making some coffee. That doesn't seem very evil to me."
"The most evil of coffee's, John." Rose hissed back, equally hushed. "We have to stop him before…"
But it was too late, the surface of the macchiato cauldron began to boil and churn, swirling and emitting more foul, purple smoke. From the murky depths rose a skinless, blood demon with glowing red eyes and enormous, bat-like wings.
A little bit of pee may or may not have leaked out of John.
Scott, the skeleton necromancer, took a step back to admire his creation, whilst his familiar, Janesprite, floated away to a safe distance. She was a poor sprite, with a good heart, forced to work for the evil Scott for no pay whatsoever. Her job sucked, especially in times such as now, when Scott summed demonic spirits to commit evil deeds.
"What is your bidding, master?" Asked the blood demon in a voice that sounded like that one noise you make when you're eating dinner and then you accidently scrape the plate with your fork. Yeah, it sounded like that.
"We're going to take over the world!" Cackled Scott, rubbing his gross skeleton hands together. "You must travel to the Fuchsia City and slay the Empress of the Sea. When that is complete, bring her crown of power to me, so that I may use it's mystical enchantments for evil!"
"I don't think this is a good idea." Piped up Janesprite. "I mean, the Empress of the Sea is a fair and just empress who always remembers everyone's birthdays. Don't you think it would be really mean just to go out and kill her?"
"Janesprite…" Scott pinched the bridge of his skeleton nose between his skeleton fingers. "We are evil. We do stuff like this all the time. I really thought you'd be used to stuff like this by now."
"Well, yeah. I'm used to it, but that doesn't mean I like it." Janesprite fidgeted nervously. "I stood by while you burned down that double orphanage, helped you put a bag of flaming saber wolf shit on Mrs. McGuffin's front steps, and I even let you put reindeer horns on my head so we could steal Christmas that one time, but no more! I won't stand by while you commit acts of evil!"
"Janesprite, shut up and go float in the corner."
"Okay."
As Janesprite sadly floated over to the corner, Scott turned back to his blood demon.
"Alright, where were we? Oh yeah. The Empress of the Sea. You're gonna killer her, right? And then…"
John turned to Rose again as Scott outlined the plan to his evil minion.
"Why doesn't Janesprite fight back?" He asked.
"She's his familiar, John. She has to do whatever he says."
"That's messed up."
"Tell me about it." Sighed Davesprite.
"Quiet, Davesprite." Rose snapped. "I'm as good a master as you're going to get. So I don't want to hear any sass, got it?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"I think you guys should start calling him, Dave." Said Jade randomly. "I mean, doesn't that sound nicer than Davesprite? Like what if I called you Rosewitch?"
There was a pause as Rose considered her proposition.
"That… doesn't actually sound that bad." She admitted. "What do you think, John?"
"Rosewitch." John tested the name on his tongue. He grinned and slid his arm tentatively around Rose's waist. "I think it could work."
She stiffened under his touch, being unaccustomed of course to such open displays of physical affection. After a moment, however, she acclimated to the comfortable weight around her hips and even allowed herself a small smile.
"Guys, I'm being serious. I think it's racist to constantly refer to Dave as a sprite." Jade pressed on.
"Just forget it, Jade. It's cool." Davesprite said.
"No it isn't! You deserve to be treated with respect."
"I'll tell you what," Rose quickly regained control of the situation. "After we deal with this business up in here, I'll consider your words. As for now, let us work to prevent an assassination attempt against the Empress of the Sea."
Through the crack in the door, our heroes returned to watching the scene unfold inside the skeleton necromancer's potions room.
"So anyway," Scott was saying. "After you've roughed her up real good, take her magical crown and then bring it back here to me, okay?"
"Yes, my lord." Said the blood demon. "I will kill the Empress of the Sea."
However at that exact moment, a crossbow bolt flew through the air and struck the blood demon in the fucking face, killing him instantly. Attatached to the bolt, was a note that simply read: "The fuck you will".
Scott let out a very high-pitched squeal of surprise and leapt backwards as his poor blood demon tipped over, fell out of the cauldron, and exploded into a mist of evil, black spirits upon contact with the ground. He looked to the doorway to see Jade, Rose, John, and Davesprite entering the room.
"You foolish fools!" Cried Scott. "You shall pay for slaying my blood demon!"
"That's unlikely." Rose twirled her wands and pointed them at Scott's chest. "You will fall, necromancer. I challenge thee to a Duel of Wizardly Strife!"
"Duel accepted!"
"R-Really?"
"Yes!"
"You're seriously going to duel me. Wow, that's like the first time that has actually worked." Rose scratched her temple with her wands. "I'm actually quite surprised by this."
"Rose," John nudged her with his elbow. "You should duel him now."
"Oh. Yes, of course." Rose took a fighter's stance, facing Scott from across the room.
John, Jade, and Davesprite joined Janesprite in the corner, out of harm's way.
"Sup." Said Davesprite, nodding to the other ghostly being.
"Hey." Greeted Janesprite.
"So, do you come here often?"
"I'm a slave. I live here."
"Oh. Okay." Davesprite decided to be quiet for once.
"Here are the rules," Growled Scott, reaching into his robes and pulling out his bonewand. A bonewand is a wand made of bone if you couldn't deduce that for yourself. "No familiars, deus ex machina spells, or dirty dancing spells."
"What about booty dropping spells?" Asked Rose.
"Those are fair game."
"Alright, anything else?"
"Well, not really, just…" Scott twirled his wand. "SUCK MY HEX, WITCH!"
Rose ducked under his hex and launched a dozen bullet spells in his direction. Scott dodged as well, causing the bullets to collide with a large number of magical artifacts that were sitting on a self behind him, minding their own god damn business.
A green potion was struck and exploded, showering the floor with a slime-like substance that began to eat it's way corrosively through the floor. A self portrait of Scott that was also on the self for some reason was also hit with a bullet and destroyed, along with a magnificent collection of porcelain elephants.
Scott was pissed.
He leapt over a patch of glowing acid and fired a red spell at Rose. She tried to dodge, but was a millisecond too slow. The spell hit her in the chest and instantly transformed her into fruit bat.
Everyone who was watching the battle gasped in shock.
Furious, fruit bat-Rose tried to pick up one of her wands with her little bat hands, but they were too heavy! Cursing her fowl luck, she instead picked it up with her bat mouth and swung it around, hitting Scott full in the face with a bright blue spell.
Scott instantly started booty dropping, twerking like mad, and looking like a complete and total idiot. John and Jade couldn't help it, they stared at Scott's skeleton jive moves and instantly got dizzy. Davesprite and Janesprite, who were sprites and therefore could not physically feel sexual attraction, were not overly impressed by Scott's dancing skills, although they did appreciate his progressive technique.
"Fuck you, you slimy piece of rancid honey!" Scott cursed, krumping his way around the room.
"Honey can't spoil, dumbass. Go eat a bag of dicks!" Squeaked bat-Rose in response. She flapped her little bat wings, flew over to Scott, and began doing atomic leg drops on top of his head, fracturing his skull in like thirteen different places.
Scott shielded his head with his arms and cried in pain.
"Super fuck this. I'm out!" He said and then dashed for the door, dodging puddles of corrosive, green acid along the way.
"He's trying to escape!" Yelled bat-Rose, as she flew after him. "Don't let him get away, guys!"
Davesprite floated forward and positioned himself between Scott and the open doorway.
"Sorry, Bro." Smirked the sprite. "Can't abscond."
Scott was trapped. He looked between bat-Rose and Davesprite, then to John and Jade who were also advancing with their weapons drawn. There was no way he could fight his way out of this mess. Without playing dirty, of course.
"Janesprite!" Scott shrieked. "Use the magic distraction dust!"
Janesprite reluctantly reached into her ghost pocket and pulled out a handful of magic distraction dust. With a sigh, she tossed the mystical powder into the air and activated it with this ancient, magical incantation:
"Distraction!"
It worked. Whilst bat-Rose, John, Davesprite, and Jade were distracted by the magical distraction dust, Scott ducked under Davesprite and fled down the tower steps. Janesprite followed.
"Hey, Master. Wait for me!" She called.
"No way. Screw you. I don't need a shit sprite as a slave. There's way better familiars out there than you." Scott snapped back.
"But we're connected by a magical tether, you can't just fire me!"
"Watch me!" Scott taunted. On the way out, he passed by the double corpses of Fred and his boyfriend. "Rest in peace, friends." Mourned Scott. "You shall be avenged."
Then he turned and dashed away across the Moonbear desert, leaving Janesprite forlornly floating in the open doorways, watching as her master ran away into the distance.
Up in the wizard tower, bat-Rose the rest of our heroes slowly shook off the affects of the magic distraction dust.
"Dammit! He's gone!" Bat-Rose fluttered on her little bat wings down the stairs to indeed find that Scott had absconded like a total pansy. "I had him on the ropes."
"Of course you did." Commented Davesprite, floating up behind her. "Here are your wands. I suppose you do know a spell that can turn you back to normal, right?"
"Yes. Yes, of course." Taking one of her wands in her little bat mouth once more, bat-Rose twirled it and in a tiny puff of smoke, transformed back into regular, sexy(?) Rose.
"Should we go after him?" Asked Jade. "I can probably track his scent if you wanted."
"Let him go." Said a voice. Everyone turned to see Janesprite still floating all by her lonesome. "By absconding from a Duel of Wizardly Strife and severing our magical tether, he's brought a whole lot of suffering down on himself."
"What happens if you break a magical tether?" Asked John.
"Horrible things."Rose answered with a shiver. "Our friend Scott truly is a dumbass. You, Janesprite, what thou thee allegiance doth be?"
"I'm my own sprite now!" Answered Janesprite happily. "Although if I had to put a commercialized label on myself, I'd probably say that I'm an agent of the 'light side' now!"
"So are we! We're heroes!" Cheered Jade. "Hey, is it cool with you if we camp here for a few hours? The desert during the day is hella unforgiving and we think it'd probably be safer to travel at night."
"Sure." Janesprite shrugged. "I really don't care. Where are you heading, if you don't mind me asking?"
"We are traveling to the Fuchsia Kingdom on Owl Bay and then from there, to defeat the Bee Lord of the South." Answered Rose.
Janesprite gasped, fore that truly was a heroic quest to undertake, not to mention a dangerous one. As an immortal sprite, Janesprite had been under Scott the necromancer's control for quite some time, living in that tower, doing evil deeds, fending off interlopers. She was intrigued by this band of misfit travelers.
"I know a shortcut to the Fuchsia Kingdom!" Janesprite clapped with excitement. "There are maps up in the lab that tell of a route straight there. I'll give them to you on one request!"
"Name your request, sprite."
"Let me come with you."
Rose narrowed her eyes. The last time she had accepted a strange member into their group it had turned out… pretty okay actually.
Roxy wasn't a problem at all. It was all that bullshit drama that Rose stirred up because she couldn't handle her shit. The witch looked between John and Janesprite, wondering if there could possibly be any competing sexual attraction between the two. It seemed unlikely, seeing how John was now smitten with Rose once more. Also Janesprite had a ghost butt. So things probably wouldn't work out.
"What kind of skills do you have?" Asked Rose, folding her arms.
"I know healing magic and am well-versed in the sleight of hand." As example, Janesprite reached behind Jade's ear and produced a gold coin.
"Oooooh." Said everyone.
"Alright." Rose extended her hand. "Welcome to the party, Janesprite!"
"And that's how we met Aunt Janesprite!" Dave said, finishing the night's tale.
"Really? She used to work for an evil necromancer named Scott." Rosie's face twisted with confusion. "That doesn't seem like her at all. She's so nice!"
"Sometimes good people do evil things, just look at Rose."
"Yeah, you're right. That was a really bitch move she pulled when she broke up John and Roxy."
"Ain't that the truth. Also watch your fucking language."
"Sorry."
"It's okay." Dave stood up and kissed his daughter on the forehead, as was their bedtime ritual. "Sleep tight."
Before he could exit the room though, Rosie let out a little cough.
"Uh, Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"I- er, kinda have something for you." Reaching underneath her pillow, Rosie pulled out an official looking document and held it out to her father.
"What the hell is this?" Dave examined the letter. It was very official, on heavy parchment, bearing the wax seal of the Young Witch's Academy, where Rosie went to school. "Shit. Did you get in trouble at school?"
"It wasn't a big deal!" Defended Rosie. "I just… well… I transfigured this other girl into a nut."
Dave was livid. He tore open the envelope and read the contents. According to the document, he was required to attend a parent-teacher conference to address the exact problem that Rosie had just admitted to. This was not good.
"Rosie…" Dave pinched the bridge of nose under his shades. "Why on earth would you do something like that?"
"She called me a bog-wench and I just got mad! I couldn't help myself!"
"This," Dave shook the letter. "Is the exact reason your mom doesn't want me to tell you about the greatest witch ever."
"I wasn't trying to be like her or anything! I was just… I dunno. I wasn't thinking." Rosie pleaded with her father. "Please, please don't tell mom. She's the law!"
"Psh. You think I'm going to tell your mom? Hell no. Then I'd be in trouble too." Dave folded the letter and stuck it in his shirt pocket. "I have a lot to think about." He sighed. "I'll try to talk your teachers into not expelling you, but it won't be easy. Just… try to get some sleep, alright?"
Then without waiting for his daughter to respond, Dave left, quietly shutting the door behind him. He slouched his way to his own bedroom, finding Jade already under the covers and half asleep. He flopped onto the bed next to her and lazily draped his arm over her waist.
"Mmmm. Hey." Murmured Jade. "How was story time?"
"Eh. You know." Dave buried his head into his pillows and fretted silently. "Same old, same old."
"What story are you telling her now? Since you aren't telling her the greatest witch ever anymore, right?"
"Just a nice story about talking dogs or something like that, I don't know. I already forgot about it."
"It's better this way, hun. It's safer."
"Yeah..." Dave embraced his wife. "I know."
I hope that you all had a happy new year's eve. Mine was pretty good!
Thanks for reading.
- Mike