Daer dairy,

If you have OCD then you're probably having a major melt down bacause of the spelling mistake. Now I, Xerxes (is that how I spell my name? I'll have to ask my mummy) Break, just had a traumatic moment.

Do not even ask me about what major shit happened to me today. Because it was really, really traumatic.

Anyway, so- what's this? If I don't tell you about what happened in juicy detail you'll all un follow me on Twitter? Rude people, manipulative crocodiles, dragging my social media into this.

Fine then, have it your way.

So first, I was just happily sitting on a rock, you know, day dreaming about lollipops though Emily keeps on saying that I was thinking about sex. But isn't you thinking about other people thinking about certain physical activities just saying that you're ever more dirty minded than them?

I thought so.

Ha! In your fat little stuffed doll face!

So now where was I? Oh yes. So the creepy doll, (he said his name was Bubba) went on ahead to check if his information was right, and Alice had been sighted in the next abyss town and yes, I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "what the hell is an abyss town?" And I, having superior knowledge over you commoners will simply have to explain myself; an abyss town is a town that's created when chains' dead contractors turn into a building or object because they had a close relationship with that particular building or object when they were alive. Still don't get it? You dumb fucks... So let's say that a person was a teacher, then, for some mysterious reason, they made a contract with a chain and when the handle on their dial finished it's rotation and they where flung down into abyss. Their soul would take on the form of a school building or some shit like that. Basically, an abyss town is a cluster of these buildings.

And trust me on this one, it looks like a spoilt little 5 year old took a bunch of toy buildings, covered them in glue and chucked then all down the stairs at the same time. I'm not even talking metaphorically. Knowing the will of the abyss, that's probably what happens.

So anyway, moving on from that wonderful describing by me, so me and Emily were having a wee bit of an argument. She was telling me that I was a perv and I was telling her that she was just jealous as she had no reproductive organs. Well imagine this, I'm just getting to the point, when this fat doll comes running over the horizon, his fatty belly jumping up and down with each step he takes, imagine that. Yeah, that's the reaction I had. I felt like I was going to get eye cancer just looking at him.

So he runs up to us, huffing and puffing like the retarded child of a rollercoaster and a steam engine, and starts speaking in dollneese (this a word that my brilliant mind created, worship it as you do me if that's not too much trouble) to Emily. Not I don't want to sound racist or anything, but I find it unnerving when two people that you know for fact don't particularly like you are talking right next to you in a different language.

So anyway, then Emily turned to me and told me to get me (yes, she said me not my, there goes the melt down again) lazy buttocks moving and that Bubba had a genius plan for us.

Now, call me superstitious, but I had a really bad feeling about this. A really, really bad feeling about this.

"Now listen up you little dipshit," Bubba growled at me, fishing with his eye patch, "I need you to come with me."

My alarm bells were ringing faintly but eh, what could I do? So I followed him and then I knew I had been right.

3 dolls as creepy as can be burst out of a chest of drawers and pinned me to the ground, then these other dolls came in holding what looked like an item of clothing and started pulling it other my head. Now I was kicking and screaming "I'm being raped here!" At the top of my sugar coated lungd but as per usual, no body gave a shit.

Then, I'm not lying to you, one of the dolls pulled out some make up and started spattering it onto my face.

Finally, one of them slammed what felt like a wig onto my head and I have a feeling I'm not the first person to wear it...

Then Bubba gave the signal for the dolls to release me and, agile creature I am, I sprang up immediately.

LIAR! HE WAS A FLOPPING ABOUT LIKE A PIECE OF BACON ON A STRING!

Sorry about that rude interruption, Emily has been watching far too much porn, I can literally see her brains dripping out of her ears in rude shapes.

Regardless, I stood up and instantly demanded what harm they had done to my beautiful self.

Bubba gave me a look. "Being the mirror." He commanded and two of the dolls dropped what they were doing instantly and fetched a rectangular mirror that was grabbed by a golden rim.

Now I was shocked. I was so shocked, that I had to sit down to fully process this.

I didn't believe that it was possible to make me look fugly, but somehow, they had managed it.

There was me, standing in the mirror, looking shocked. Probably because I was wearing a pink, fluffy cotton dress with unicorns drawn on it in what looked like crayola crayons, a really messy (not to mention itchy) blonde wig and with mascara and eye liner making two gigantic black rings around my eyes and red lipstick splattered all over my face.

Now I am not going to lie, I screamed. In screamed so loud and so high pitched that the mirror broke. Okay, maybe that was exaggeration but you get the point.

Now when I finally stopped screaming, Emily told me that she saw no difference. Meanie.

"Have you regained yourself yet?" Bubba asked me impatiently. I think he took my silence as a yes, "good. Now, according to my information, Alice or B-Rabbit, whichever you prefer, is currently living with her twin sister in the Abyss town you see before you," he nodded in its direction, "now we have been informed, that Alice's sister owns a strip club, auditions for this club are being held today. Now your mission, dipshit, is to distract Alice's sister for long enough for us to be able to contact Alice herself, which shouldn't be to hard or take too long. Got that?"

I said nothing.

So that, just in case any of you were wondering, was how I found myself standing in a line outside a strip club called 'I'm running out of ways to earn money'.

Original.

And you may not believe me, but even in my current state, I was still the most attractive person standing in that line.

Then a door was opened up and we all filled in and that was when I literally froze all over. It was like someone had left me outside overnight in winter, I felt like a break shaped popsicle stick. Which, although being me is a pleasant experience, is not a nice feeling.

It was about now that I realised that our (well, Bubba's) plan has gone wrong in the worst possible way.

There, sitting at a judges table scowling b down at us was the will of the abyss and, sitting next to her wearing a false moustache, was Alice.

#drama