"Me and Pumba? Well…pretty much the same way we did," the meerkat replied. He seemed slightly less tense now that he was somewhat assured that he wouldn't be eaten. " There was definitely a lot of screaming, but once I got to know him he turned out to be quite a gentle giant."
"Really? And are there other warthogs here?" I asked, already giddy at the possibility.
"Oh geeze! Is food all you think about? And here I thought lions had more in their heads than just survival instincts. Then again, you do look a tad too skinny…skinny, did I say skinny? I meant lean and slim, definitely a good look for you! And you just have to tell me, who does your hair? So lustrous and shiny, plus no split ends!"
"I'm flattered," I sighed, this was going to be a very long walk.
"And you have such dazzling eyes that sparkle like stars in the midnight sky or like – "
"Are you sucking-up or hitting on me? Because if it's the latter then I'm disturbed…"
"What! No, no way, absolutely not! Now that's revolting, how could you get such an absurd notion, it's positively sickening! I think I'm gonna' lose my lunch!...Although you do have pretty eyes, eh?" he winked.
"….uh," I couldn't imagine how I could possibly reply to that, maybe it would be best if I just ate him. It would definitely be the fastest way to handle the situation. The storm would no doubt have passed by the time we got to where-ever he was taking me. A rather amusing thought crossed my mind: I was all alone, following some creep through a forest at night without a second thought. 1
"Hey, we never really had a proper introduction," he went on. "My name's Timone and here's my buddy Pumba. Oh and just to warn you, Pumba has a little bit of a gas problem, wait till' you see him in action!"
"The suspense is killing me."
"So, weren't you gonna' tell us a little about yourself?"
"Hm, let me think…no," now I was truly sick to my stomach, there was no doubt I wandered into the 'wrong' part of the Savannah; home to the most questionable of creatures and misfits2.
"Oh, c'mon!"
"Well if you're so eager to know, I shall be your future king."
"Ok…your majesty. One question, isn't that Kapasa guy king, what ever happened to him?"
"Let's just say I have a little surprise in store for him."
"Is it a nice surprise?" asked Pumba.
"Well, it'll make a day to remember; fondly or not," I grinned.
"Yeah, I guessed that much. So how are you planning to pull of a stunt like that all on your own, or do you have tons of lioness chicks rooting for you?"
"Hyenas actually."
"Clever little things aren't they? Hey look we're here!" up ahead a cave could be seen, lichen hanging over the entrance and moss lining its outside walls. As for what laid inside, my guess is as good as yours.
"So are you coming or what?" the little creature beckoned, yet a gut feeling held me back…but I went anyways3.
"Not what you expected? Well cheer up, I'll let you have my nest," he pointed at the larger of the two piles of dry foliage. "I lost a lot of weight over the summer, eh?
So there I was, inside a cozy little cave, as promised. A tad too cozy actually, the warthogs behind took up most of the legroom and breathable air. And to make things worst, I found that the meerkat wasn't kidding about the gas problems. But hey, I must have made a world record for holding my breath.
"Sorry 'bout that, can't say we didn't warn you though," the warthog put in, shuffling in the tiny nest beside me after a disturbingly loud– you get the picture. At first I only hoped that I would be able to suffer through the cruel and unusual torture until morning. But luckily, a far more favorable thought came to mind.
"This is just unbearable, if only we could make it a little more roomy, eh?" I remarked, wondering if they would guess at what I was implying.
"This is as roomy as it's going to get," Timone replied.
"Oh I wouldn't say so," I smirked, standing from the makeshift nest and towering over the pig who finally caught on. He pressed himself to the wall, trying to lengthen the distance between us. Undoubtedly it wouldn't do him much good; he was only inches away from being devoured.
"Tim...Timone," he wailed nervously, jerking his head towards the meerkat in hopes that he would be of some aid. But before he could act I swiped the little creature by the tail and tethered it to a rock.
"Hey! What do you thing you're doing! You're in for it now! Wait 'till I get-" I took no notice of the empty threats he yelped while attempting to release his tail from the cumbersome stone.
"Aw, nowhere to run?" I said, contemptuously eyeing the warthog. Since I stood at the exit, the only place he would be going is to meet his maker.
"But we don't have a problem with that do we, I'm sure you were dieing to stay for lunch," I went on, watching him brought back memories of our last encounter in such circumstances. I was about to pounce when I saw tears pour from his eyes as he started his snort-like weeping, and his gaze had lost the expression of fear. I stopped, more out of surprise than pity.
"Oh it's not fair! I couldn't help that I was born that way," he cried. "My whole life I have been rejected for it and now it's only fitting that it's the cause of my death."
"What are you talking about, my sobbing entrée?" I asked.
"My gas problem! That's why you want to eat me, so that I won't intoxicate—"
"Oh don't be so glum. I would have eaten you anyways. Think of it this way, once I eat you, you'll help stop global warming!"
"Because I'm a source of harmful greenhouse gases?"
"Exactly!"
"You think you can BS your way out of anything, don't ya?" the meerkat broke in.
"You say it like it's a bad thing," I replied. "Now where was I? Oh yes, I was going to eat the warthog!"
"Hey, now here's a thought: if you eat Pumba wouldn't you catch his um... 'problem'? It could be contagious!" Timone went on.
"I don't think it works that way."
"So you're going to risk it?"
"Well…I…surely it's not—"
"What if it is? You'll sure be popular with the ladies then, eh?" he snorted.
"Ugh, fine. I already lost my appetite. And it looks like the rain finally stopped, I suppose I should get going."
"Good idea. We sure had a great time, we'll miss ya' buddy! Oh and one thing before you go, do you mind getting his rock of my tail…if it's not too much to ask?"
"Right, but quid pro quo, I must ask you for a little favor too."
"Quid pro quo?"
"Latin for, a favor for a favor"
"Anything for you!"
"All I ask is that you don't divulge anything of our conversation regarding the death of the king. Unless of course you want me to pay you another visit."
"Consider it done your majesty."
"Farewell now, I wouldn't want to be late for my crowning ceremony," I grinned.
"That's right, absens haeres non erit, an absent person will not be an heir!"
"Indeed."
1 Of course he seems tiny and harmless but what if he is part of some mafia that lures – ok, it sounds ridiculous now but wait until I wake up with one kidney…or worse! One can never be too sure with deranged homosexual meerkats.
2 From Steve the cannibal parrot to Roy the myatiasutaramot, this place has it all! What's a myatiasutaramot you ask? I haven't got a clue. I myself never really believed any of it before; I thought it was just a rumor the monkeys were spreading around to get some good real-estate for cheap. And I thought Mufasa was a sucker for believing all of it, now a creepy little meerkat is going to make me eat my words. If I don't eat him first.
3 People do stupid things when they can't feel their toes, and it didn't look as if the storm was ever going to calm down.