Chapter Seventeen: The Worst Wizard Dance Ever

Thanks to pussydestroyer69 (no doubt is the band known for epitomizing love after all. look me up on tinder) and Type Speed for reviewing.

After being expelled from the Young Witch's Academy, Rosie had gone straight home, locked herself in her bedroom, and thrown one of the biggest, most pitiful fussy fits you could ever possibly imagine.

It was extremely rare to be born with awesome magical powers. Most witches and wizards are just normal dudes who devote their entire lives to learning magic and understanding the arcane arts. So when you see a witch, who was born as a witch, it's pretty cool stuff.

So you can just imagine Rosie's woe upon learning that she was now forbidden from returning to the Young Witch's Academy to hone her magical skills. It was easily the worst day ever in the young girl's life.

As she lay on her bed, crying, there was a knock on the door.

"Yo, Rosie." It was her father, Dave. "I know that you're heartbroken over what happened today, but I promised you that everything is going to be okay, and it is. Now get yourself cleaned up and come out here. Your mom is supposed to be home soon and you've got to help me finish up dinner."

"Ugh." Rosie hated it when her dad made dinner. He never utilized Jade's garden, which was an endless source of fresh fruits and vegetables, but always made the same wizard burritos with apple juice to drink. It was pretty awful.

However, when Roxy cleaned her face of all the gross kid tears and snot and exited her bedroom, she found that her dad was pulling out all the stops. He'd made a glorious salad, roasted some racoonicorn meat, and even moseyed on down to the local winery to buy the finest, most blood souring, liquor money could buy.

"Grab some plates and set the table." Dave commanded, as he tossed his wife's salad. "She'll be here any minute."

Rosie did as she was told, all the while examining the glorious dinner warily. Her dad had only ever prepared food like this once before, back when he had accidentally ruined Jade's prized Rickenbacker 4001S wizard bass guitar by feeding it to super-termites.

"Oh my golden rings!" Rosie gasped, wheeling on her father. "You're going to tell her what happened!"

"What? Psshh. Of course not." Dave placed the tossed salad on the table.

"Yeah, you are! You're going to spill the beans and then beg for forgiveness. That's why you made this awesome dinner and… and what the heck is that?!" Lunging forward, Rosie snatched a long, thin box out of the Dave's exposed back pocket. "You bought her jewelry! I can't believe this!"

"It's for her birthday!" Dave snatched the box back and shoved it into his pocket. "What? A man can't by his woman a gift every whence and then?"

"Her birthday was two months ago, Dad!" Rosie dragged a hand down her face. "God-dammit. I thought we were going to make up some story about why I can't go back to school. We can't tell her the truth. She'll be so mad!"

"Lying isn't healthy in any relationship, darling. Now go put on that nice dress Aunt Jane got for you last year."

"Fuck no. I'm not putting on a dress." Rosie stamped her foot. "Dad, we cannot tell mom what happened. If she finds out. No amount of dinners or fancy gifts will ever soften the unmitigated rage that will explode out of her. She'll ground me for eternity and never speak to you again!" The small girl took a deep breath. "And worst of all: she won't let you tell me about the greatest witch ever anymore!"

At that moment, the front door opened and in stepped Jade Harley herself. She dropped her bag to the ground with a heavy thud and shrugged off her coat, throwing it towards the coat rack and not caring when it completely missed and lands on the floor.

"Today was the worst day ever!" She proclaimed, stomping into the kitchen. "First I left my papers at home so I had to come back for those, then when I got back to work, everyone was out bowling without me!"

"Wow, babe." Dave began. "That sounds really…"

"And then, when I try to order wizard tacos for lunch, then sent me fucking wizard fajitas, Dave. And you know that I can't eat wizard fajitas."

"Oh man, do I ever…."

"Finally, on the way home, some dude riding a fucking unicorn cut me off on the loop and nearly caused a six wagon pile-up! Needless to say, I'm not in the mood for any bullshit tonight!" Grabbing Dave's fancy bottle of liquor off the counter, Jade opened it with her teeth, spat out the cork, and took a healthy swig. Wiping her mouth on the back of her hand, she continued: "I really hope you don't have any bad news tonight, because if you do, I will fucking LOSE MY SHIT!"

Dave exchanged a glance with Rosie. Both of them were on the verge of pissing their trousers.

"Don't worry, hun." Dave quickly, yet lovingly, coaxed Jade into a seat at the table. "Just relax and enjoy this awesome and lovely meal. This house is now a worry-free zone."

"Thanks, Dave." Jade smiled at her husband. "I needed this."

And so the Strider family sat down for dinner, careful to tread lightly around any topic that might set Jade off, or depress the good vibes currently flowing through the house thanks to Dave's remarkably well-prepared meal. However, there was still the slight, underlying problem of Rosie's expulsion, which Dave would have to cover for.

He had to think quickly.

"You know," He set down his fork after a while. "I've been thinking about the public school system around here and it really sucks. Standardized testing, under-payed and over-worked teachers, impractical curriculums. I think it would be smart to look for alternative forms of education."

"I agree!" Added Rosie, and then much more calmly: "I mean, I sort of feel like I'm out-growing the Young Witches Academy. Maybe I should put some feelers out for some different… I dunno, educationalists?"

Jade, who had been happily enjoying her meal until that point, set her fork down as well and examined her family curiously.

"This is coming out of nowhere." She giggled and turned to her daughter. "Are you being serious? Do you think that you're too old for that school? You're still so very young."

"Well, yeah, but daddy agrees with me!"

"It's something to think about at least." Said Dave wisely.

"Yes…" Jade tapped her chin with her finger. "That school is pretty expensive, isn't it?"

"Indeed." With their meal pretty much finished, Dave began to clear the table. "In the meantime, I was thinking that we could, I dunno, have a family vacation or something."

"A family vacation?"

"Yeah." Dave shrugged casually, with well-practiced nonchalance. "When's the last time we did something fun as a family?"

"Where would we even go?"

"I hear the Fuchsia Kingdom is nice this time of year." Dave shot his wife a wink.

Jade stifled another giggle.

"Dave, we haven't been there in… oh my god, it's been years!" She narrowed her eyes at him then suddenly. "You sure are acting weird tonight, honey. First this nice dinner, then the thing about Rosie's school, and now you're bringing up the Fuchsia Kingdom? What's up?"

"Nothing, all of those things are completely unrelated. Stuff is just popping into my head, you know?" Dave sank back into his seat at the table. "So what do you think?"

Jade sighed and rubbed at her tired eyes. She looked from Dave to her daughter and then back again.

"Oh gosh. I don't know if we're even allowed back there after what happened last time." She laughed a little nervously.

"What happened last time?" Asked Rosie.

"Well, you see it was just after the Battle at Owl Bay…" Began Dave.

"Whoa!" Jade interrupted. "Dave, are you seriously about to launch into another story?"

"Of course." Dave rolled his eyes, even though no one could see it. "She asked, didn't she? This story is harmless, okay? There's no death or anything, just good old family fun."

"Well… alright." Jade leaned back in her chair. "I don't really remember anything about that night anyways."

"Then it will be educational for everyone!" With a grin, Dave turned back to Rosie. "So yeah, as I was saying…"

Rose, Davesprite, Jade, and Janesprite were in the palace of the Fuchsia Kingdom. It was mere minutes after John's resurrection and they were all standing around his hospital bed in the infirmary. There were other places the heroes could be, of course, but they all decided to stay with their friend, even when the head warlock healer declared him to be perfectly fine.

Now, John didn't have wizard health insurance back in the day, but by order of the Empress of the Sea, he would receive care free of charge anyways. He and his friends had just helped to save the kingdom from the Bee Lord's army of Beeman, after all.

"How are you feeling, John?" Asked Jade, worriedly examining her friend as he lay in bed.

"I'm pretty fine, I guess." John fingered the heavy bandage wrapped around his head. "I mean, better than dead. Thanks for that by the way, Janesprite. You really saved the day on that one."

"Oh, you're welcome." Janesprite blushed, unused to such high praise. "You would have done the same for me if you could have. I have to warn you against dying a second time though, as my powers only work once per person."

"Psshh. What kind of bullshit limitation is that?" Davesprite asked. "Hell, that's borderline useless."

"What do you mean 'useless'? My useless powers just saved your friend's life!"

"Yeah, but what's the point of only being able to save his life once, but not again?"

"The point is that you don't be an idiot and die more than once."

"Can't you just ignore that stupid handicap and resurrect everyone as much as you want?"

"It doesn't work like that. My powers are dictated by the nature of magic itself."

"Yeah, but wouldn't it be cool if you could live forever."

"No. Who'd want to live forever?"

"I would!"

As the two sprites squabbled, Rose, who had been sitting in a chair by John's side this entire time, leaned forward and spoke to her boyfriend quietly.

"I, uh… nearly lost you back there, huh?" She chuckled nervously.

"Yeah… I guess so." John smiled weakly. "I'm sorry that I missed the rest of the fight. Jade said that you were spectacular though."

"I just did what I could. Thank the gods it was enough. Also, you shouldn't feel guilty for being shish kebob-ed by that arrow. You were very brave."

"I wasn't really thinking clearly.

"Still, you acted like a true hero and that's what counts." Rose found his hand on the sheets and gently laced her fingers with his.

John unabashedly stared at their interlocked hands. He was in awe that he, John Egbert, could possibly ever be in a situation such as this. He had once been a lame-ass hero in a lame-ass town, but now he was a true hero, in one of the biggest kingdoms in Skaia, surrounded by true friends, and with a beautiful/badass/bodacious girl holding his hand.

If only his dad could see him now.

But his dad was super dead, so yeah, that wasn't going to be happening.

The doors to the infirmary suddenly opened and in strode an Owl Knight dressed in the fanciest, fuchsia garb that you ever did see. In his owl hands he carried an official-looking scroll. After walking to the foot of John's bed and standing before the group, he unfurled the scroll and began to read:

"By order of the Empress of the Sea, Rose Lalonde the greatest witch ever, John Egbert the hero of Honey Town, Davesprite the most bitchin dude ever, Jade Harley the Weredog, and Janesprite the sweet healer, must attend a wizard dance tonight in honor of the Fuchsia Kingdom's victory over the Beemen army." The Owl Knight closed his scroll. "It's at seven tonight in the throne room, black tie event, B.Y.O.B."

Then he turned and fluttered away.

"Wow!" Gasped Jade once their group was alone once more. "A wizard dance! I've always wanted to go to one of those. I wonder what it'll be like."

"Probably a bunch of pretentious socialites smiling plastic smiles at one another and giving each other firm handshakes." Davesprite scoffed. "We aren't going to a stupid party. Sorry, Jade."

"But we were invited! We have to go."

"The best part of being invited, is that you get to turn down the invitation, thus making yourself appear more desirable to the regal sonovabitches who sent the invitation in the first place." Davesprite tapped a ghostly finger against his ghostly temple. "This is basic high-society stuff, Jade. If you're having trouble grasping this, then you should stay away from friggin wizard dances."

Jade turned to Rose, clasping her hands together and giving the witch the most pitiful, puppy-dog pout she could muster. It was the type of looks that could melt hearts, boost morale, and even be used as an effective demon banishment technique in exorcisms. Even Rose, the greatest witch ever, could not last long under such a saccharine gaze.

"Can we go to this party, Rose? Please, please, please, please, please…" After, like, twenty minutes of solid 'pleases', Jade wrapped it up. "Please, please, please, please with a magic cherry on top?"

Rose stroked her chin, wished she had a beard, and considered the pros and cons of attending such a gathering.

"It would be rude to refuse," She began. "But this also seems like a colossal waste of time. I've attended many wizard dances such as this in the past and they never amount to much, a little food and a little dancing, but in the end, these sort of parties are nothing but a chance for the privileged to pat themselves on the back."

"I dunno if it's that kind of party." Janesprite piped up. "I mean, the scroll said it was because of the battle you guys won. Maybe they'll give you guys some kind of medal!"

Davesprite's ears perked up at this.

"A medal, you say…" He rubbed his hands, sort of like a bad guy does when they're scheming something evil or when a fly is about to eat, and changed his mind about the wizard dance entirely. "Alright, how about this. We go to the party, have a few drinks, have a lot of drinks, get completely trashed, get our medals, and then head out before sun rise."

"And set our sights on the Bee Lord of the South." Finished Rose. "Alright, that's fine with me. I suppose it would do is all a little good to celebrate, considering how hard we've been working recently."

"Yes! I'm hyped as shit for this party." Jade did a little happy dance. "Oh fuck! What are we going to wear?! I don't have any nice clothes, just my adventuring duds. And you heard that Owl Knight, he said it was a black tie event!"

"Oh goodness. You're right." Rose clapped a hand to her mouth. "There's only one thing we can do. Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Jade?"

"You know it!"

SHOPPING SPREE!

A montage of Rose and Jade going through all these fancy clothing shops followed, as Cyndi Lauper's 'Girls Just Want to Have Fun' played in the background. The two classy ladies spend time trying on different hats and laughing at one another as they made silly faces. Then Rose comes out of a dressing room wearing a nice dress and Jade is all like: "No way!" And then Rose goes back into the dressing room, comes out with a different dress, and then Jade is all like: "Oh yes!" Next the girls get inside one of those wizard photo booths that take, like, five photos real quick and they take all these cute photos where they make kissy faces and flash weird gang signs, and then the final shot of the montage is the two girls walking down the street with a lot of shopping bags on their arms, then jumping into the air and high-fiving as the frame freezes.

"That was the best shopping spree ever!" Said Jade, once they were back by John's bed in the infirmary. "Look, Dave. I even got you a tie!"

"I'm a sprite. I don't wear clothes."

"You do when we go to parties like this, silly." Jade pulled the tie out of her bag and slung it around her friend's neck, expertly tying a double windsor knot. "There! Doesn't that look nice?"

Davesprite looked down at his new tie. It was orange in color, just like the rest of him. In fact, you probably wouldn't notice he was even wearing a tie at all if you didn't look really, really closely. It was that kind of irony that persuaded Davesprite to continue wearing the tie.

"Where did you get all the money for this stuff?" Asked John, watching as Rose put a floral hat on Janesprite's head.

"Oh, you know I always keep a few gold pieces around for emergencies." Rose shoved Davesprite's credit card deeper into her pocket as she spoke. Don't ask me how she got it. She just did. "Here, John. I got you this."

Rose then passed John a nice-looking dress shirt.

"Oh, geez. I can't accept this, Rose! It's too nice-looking." He tried to give it back. "Plus, I don't even know if I should go to this thing. Maybe I should take it easy tonight, since I died last chapter and all."

"Aw don't be like that, man." Davesprite groaned. "There's no way I'm going to no shin dig without my best bro. The warlock healer said you were fine anyways."

"No. I think John is right." Janesprite reluctantly agreed. "He's in no condition to be drinking and/or dancing. The best thing for him is a good night's rest. You want him to be in top shape for the Bee Lord fight, right?"

"Yeah, I guess that makes sense." Jade's ears drooped. "Sorry, John, we'll make this up to you. I'll sneak you some fancy horderves or something."

After bidding John goodbye, the suddenly less-enthused party made to leave the infirmary to prepare for the wizard dance. Before Rose left though, John reached out and caught her by the wrist. She turned and looked back at him with confusion.

They were now alone.

"I-uh… Hehe." He chuckled nervously. "I'm sorry. It's just… did you mean what you said earlier?"

"About what?" Rose asked.

"Well, when I came back to life. You said something… and then you kissed me. Did you mean it?"

Rose's black-painted lips quirked in a small smile.

"Yes." She leaned forward and gave him a quick kiss. "I meant every single word."

"Heh. Awesome." He stole another kiss. "So I guess I'll see you later then. Try not to have too much fun, okay?"

"I think we'll have the appropriate amount of fun. Rest easy, hero." And then she left him, with the ghost of a kiss on his lips and a lovely warmth in his heart.

Seven-o-clock rolled around soon enough and our heroes, sans John, found themselves approaching the large, wooden doors to the throne hall. Beyond the entry way, the muffled sounds of a rockin party could be heard and no one was not excited.

"Oh man, I'm so excited." Said Jade, who was all ritzed up. Her dark hair, which was usually tossed back in a messy stallion tail, was all sleek and shiny, and you know that Davesprite's ghostly heart was beating double time. "It just sucks that John couldn't come."

"He'll be fine." Davesprite assured her, offering the pretty Weredog his ghostly arm. "Now come on. It's time I showed you how sprite's get down!"

"Haha. Okay!"

Leading the way, Davesprite pushed open the heavy doors to find that the party was totally, fucking awful. The music they heard out in the hall was just the Empress of the Sea, who stood on her throne singing her horribly-written personal rhapsody. There was a lone table with a bowl of gross-ass punch and one of those lame-ass fruit platters that some overly health-conscious attendee probably brought.

No one was dancing. All those invited stood against the four walls as if awaiting some kind of firing squad. There were Owl Knights, of course, fish men, goblins, racoonicorns, and even a few gnomes. A Red-winged Crow flew overhead carrying two glasses of punch in his little bird feet. The crow flew right to his girlfriend and handed her one of the drinks. She took a sip from the cup and then splashed the rest of the liquid into the crow's face before storming away.

No one knows what that was about.

"You've got to be joshin me." Said Rose. "This is literally the worst wizard dance ever. Of all time."

"I don't understand." Janesprite examined the shitty get-together. "I thought this was supposed to be a big deal."

"Yeah!" Jade exclaimed. "Where's the dancing? Where's the fun? Where are the horderves!?"

"Did someone say horderves?" Out of nowhere, a little gnome scurried up carrying a gleaming silver platter. "Would anyone care for a stonenut?"

"Fuck off!" Rose cried, knocking the tray out of the gnome's hand. Drawing her wand, she quickly transfigured the cruel gnome into a real nut and left him on the floor next to his fake brothers. "This party blows, guys. Let's get out of here."

"Not so fast!" From the throne descended the Empress, halting her beautiful song so as to greet her guests of honor. "Thank you all so much for coming. This party is about to kick into high-gear. I promise!"

"How?" Davesprite demanded, folding his arms. "I see no evidence whatsoever that this party will be approaching anything relatively close to 'high-gear' any time soon."

"Well, here comes the band right now, you silly sonovafish!" The Empress gestured towards the doors and, sure enough, a full band entered.

There was a sexy mummy maiden on lead vocals and guitar, a gorillaman on drums, and a wizard snake on electric bass. If you're wondering how the wizard snake could possibly play electric bass when he didn't have any arms, just remember: he's a wizard snake.

"Hello, Fuchsia Kingdom!" Screeched the mummy lady as her bandmates prepared to play. "We are Skaia's up and coming new hit indie band by the name of: Wizard Gorilla Mummy! Or WGM for short. Our first song is called, 'being a mummy fucking sucks' and it goes a little like this… ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!"

What happened next could only be described as some kind of terminal disease, like dragon wing cancer, plus a horrific natural disaster, like a lava tornado. In short, this band was so bad that it was like a lava tornado full of dragon wing cancer.

The worst thing imaginable.

"Alright, super fuck this. I'm out." Rose waved to her friends. "Tell me how the rest of this dreadful party goes and pick up my medal for me, if we even get one."

Leaving her friends to brave the travesty of a jam without her, Rose ascended back up through the palace all the way back to the infirmary. John was still in his bed, snoozing lightly in the dim light afforded to him by a small candle on his bedside table.

Kicking off her shoes, the witch gracefully clambered into the bed with John. No matter how much of a lightfoot Lalonde was though, this was no temperpedic mattress. John's metaphorical wine glass jiggled as the bed was disturbed and hypothetical wine was spilt all over the god-damn place, waking him up.

"Ugh. Hey, Rose." John muttered sleepily, scooting over to make some room for her. "Party over already? Geez, that was fast."

"I only went to the party for like thirty seconds." Explained Rose, snuggling up against his side. "It was incredibly dreary and awful, not someplace where I'd like to spend my evening in complete honesty. It's a shame truly, as wizard dances typically have so much potential."

"I'm sorry that you're disappointed. Although, I can't imagine why a smelly old hospital room would be better than a boring party. At least there's food down in the throne room and other people too."

"Yes, but none of them quite as enjoyable as thee." Rose rolled onto her side, propping herself up on her elbow so as to look at John fully. "I've come to a realization recently, experienced an epiphany, if you will."

"Really?"

"Mhmm."

"Well, go on. Tell me about it."

"I think I've finally got this whole witch thing figured out." Rose's eyes fell to John's chest, where her hand not propping her head toyed with a loose string on his shirt. "In the beginning, it was all about being the greatest I could possibly be, no matter what that entailed. I went on many quests, defeated many foes, gained and lost many companions, but in the end, I was always left feeling unfulfilled."

She took a deep breath, then continued:

"When I came upon this quest to defeat the Four Evil Mages, I thought that I'd finally found my calling and nothing was going to stand in my way. However, the further we got into my journey and the more time I spent with you and Davesprite and Jade and everyone else, I couldn't help but feel like something was still missing. It took Roxy and you hooking up to realize what it was."

"What was it?" John asked, curious.

"It was… well," A blush rose in the witch's cheeks. "It was companionship and love and… it was you."

"Oh."

"Oh indeed."

A grin split John's face and Rose couldn't help but smile too. They met in a kiss, more passionate and much less innocent than the quick ones before. John's hand found it's way to her waist and he gripped her firmly. Rose's fingers laced in his hair, spurring a deep growl from the back of his throat.

Pretty soon, it was an all out grope fest. They were copping feels, stealing second base, performing the mobius double reach around. All that jazz.

They got it on.

You know… it.

I'm talking about sex.

Anyways, while that was going on, the party was still sucking double dick down in the throne room. Davesprite and Janesprite were taking turns dancing with Jade and doing the best possible to make a half-decent situation out of this incredibly shitty one.

"I'll take you to a real party one day, Jade." Davesprite said as he and Jade did The Carlton to a particularly fast WGM song. "This isn't nothing. I'll show you what it's really like to get down."

"I really hope so!" Jade whined. "Fuh. Even the sun bathing rituals back with the Sun Clan were more fun than this. And that was literally just lying on a flat rock and baking in the sun all day, the most pointless, potentially harmful, and incredibly boring ritual ever!"

"Wow. You must have really hated that place."

"It was awful, yeah." Jade sighed. "But… it was home."

"Your home's here now." Davesprite said. "Out here, with me and Rose and John. We're your family, baby doll, and as long as we're together, you'll never be homesick."

As the dancing pair switched dances with the song and started performing a fierce krumping routine, Jade eyed Davesprite with a peculiar gaze.

"Do you really mean that?" She asked quietly.

"Yeah. Of course."

"Aw that's so sweet of you!"

"It is, isn't it? Heh." Davesprite smirked. "What can I say? I'm a pretty sweet dude. God knows you deserve some sweetness in your life."

"You know it!"

As the music began to die down, everyone in attendance to the party turned towards the stage, where the Empress of the Sea had taken the microphone. She cleared her throat and began to speak in a voice magnified so that it could be heard throughout the entire hall.

"It's that time of the night, folks! It's time to pay tribute to those who served our Kingdom wonderfully in the recent battle against the fiendish Beemen. Without these brave women, man, and sprite, our kingdom surely would have fallen to their insect master." The Empress beckoned to a nearby Owl Knight, who approached with a glorious, jewel-incrusted box in his hands. "Here! I have medals for all of you!"

Davesprite, Jade, and Janesprite approached the stage and retrieved their medals of honor from the Empress of the sea.

"Violet Lalonde, Jon Egderp, Hade Jarley and..." Davesprite read the medals. "Dicksprite! You got our names wrong you stupid, fishy, empirical bitch!"

The Empress shrugged as if to say 'sorry bro' then turned and left the stage.

Davesprite lost his shit.

"Fuck this party!" He cried. Drawing his sword, he cleaved the punch bowl in two, splattering gross, disgusting punch all over the god-damn place. "Yeah, motherfuckers! Punch is for suckers!"

He then proceeded to wreck the entire throne room, with help from Jade and Janesprite, of course. They knocked over the Empress's throne, smashed the wizard snake's electric bass in half, and spray-painted vulgar words and lewd images all over the walls.

All in all, it was a good night for everyone.

I'm starting my second semester of college this morning, so yeah, my updates may or may not slow. We'll see.

Thanks for reading.
- Mike