Chapter Nineteen: Fish Baron Redux: Hooked Again!
Thanks to CarryOnMyWaywardFeels and Spider8reath for reviewing.
It was one of those nice days. The sun was shining brilliantly, reflecting off the gently flowing surface of the river, the breeze was billowing softly, and the pollen count was lower than it had been in many, many moons. Our intrepid group of heroes had opted to stay the fuck away from the awful moonbear desert and had instead hired a ferry to sail them up the Black Rock River.
The Black Rock River runs parallel to the Great Lava River and is called as such because of all the black rocks that all over the fucking place in that thing.
Duh.
Anyways, most of the black rocks are pretty harmless. They're just small river stones that line the bottom of the riverbed. Some black rocks though, are as large as bonevans, and require a skilled sailor to navigate through. Luckily enough for the heroes of Skaia, this ferry driver claimed to be the best in the business.
"Hehehe." Laughed Damien the Werecat, as he wore his evil disguise and steered the boat. "The Fish Baron's plan is working wonderfully. These idiots won't know what hit them."
Yup, that's right. No sooner had Rose and her friends defeated the Bee Lord than they were already enraptured in some other type of mortal danger, this time a dastardly trap. Damien the Werecat was steering the boat, Yahtzee the gross-ass woodland witch was hiding below deck, Scott the skeleton necromancer was posing as a waiter on the boat, and the Fish Baron himself was following close behind, using the river itself to travel along with his lame fish minions.
And Rose, John, Davesprite, and Jade were none the wiser.
"Would anyone care for another cracker? Hehe." Snickered Scott the skeleton necromancer, as he offered the group a plate of wizard cheese-itz.
"I would!" Sang Jade. "Thanks, Mr. uh, what was your name again?"
"My name is Scooo…" Shit. Scott had to think fast. "I mean, my name is Scob the skeleton funcromancer."
"Funcromancer?" Davesprite cocked an eyebrow. "I don't think that's a thing."
"Oh, but it is, Mr. Sprite." Scott grinned to himself. "Soon you shall see. Hehe. Yes, you shall see…"
Then Scott the necromancer retreated, walking backwards until he slipped into the captain's quarters and disappeared, leaving our heroes on the deck alone. It was a pretty nice boat, with comfy folding chairs, a swanky interior, and even a poop deck!
"That skeleton funcromancer waiter gives me the creeps." Jade shivered in her chair, yet nibbled on her crackers nonetheless. "I mean, what kind of ferry comes with it's own waiter?"
"Fancy boats like these come with waiters, my dear Weredog." Davesprite, who was wearing a 'I heart ferries' t-shit, sipped on a cold wizard diet coke. "It's high class. I wouldn't expect you to understand."
"I understand high class just fine! I just don't understand how a boat this nice, with all these fancy perks, could charge absolutely zero money." Jade thought back to when they had been offered the ferry ride. "Gosh, I think the captain nearly begged us to take this ferry. Something smells fishy."
"You can't look a gift horse in the mouth, Jade." Davesprite continued to chastise. "We're being given a smooth ride on a nice ferry, free of charge. I fail to see how you can be uncomfortable with this situation."
As the two of them squabbled, John sat nearby and stared across the deck to where Rose sat by herself. Ever since the defeat of the Bee Lord, she'd been acting funny. In the mornings she was cranky, during meal times she was ravenously hungry, and worst of all she just seemed to be more down-trodden and mopey. A good majority of the time, right now included, she preferred to sit all by her lonesome in deep reflection.
John hoped it had nothing to do with their romantic relationship. He'd been doing everything in his power to be a good boyfriend. Including but not limited to: holding her hand as they cross the street, opening doors for her, laying his coat down in a puddle so she could keep her boots dry, and even pre-chewing her food on a few rare occasions.
John loved being Rose's boyfriend and doing all of those boyfriend things, well except maybe that last part about the food. That made him a little uncomfortable germ-wise. Anyways, he just didn't want anything to come between them.
"Hey, guys." John decided to seek help from his closest and only friends. "Have you noticed anything weird with Rose lately?"
"What do you mean? Like the fact that she's gone fucking crazy these past few days?" Davesprite counted off on his fingers. "First she nearly bit my head off when I told her 'good morning' the other day, then she yelled at Jade for burning dinner last night, and now she's sitting off all by herself, heavily contemplating something apparently soooo important that she's neglecting us on this otherwise perfect day."
"Uh… I wouldn't say she's gone completely crazy." John chewed his lip. Davesprite was right about all those things and it made him uncomfortable. "D- Do you think it was something that I did? Maybe I should go talk to her."
He rose from his chair, intent on doing just that, but was stopped when Jade grabbed him by the wrist.
"I wouldn't do that, John." She warned. "If you want to know my opinion, Rose just needs space right now."
"But why? If she's feeling sad about something, then I have to cheer her up! It's my job."
"Listen." Jade dropped her voice a few octaves to keep her next words private. "I think the reason Rose has been acting so strange lately is because of what happened with the Bee Lord."
"Because of what happened with the Bee Lord? You mean when we beat that asshole into next week?" Davesprite asked.
"We didn't do anything. It was the Death Maiden, remember? She killed her husband and saved all of our lives." Jade's ears drooped as she looked across the deck towards her witch friend. "Rose is probably really upset with herself for not being able to beat the Bee Lord by herself."
"That's just stupid!" John argued. "She got stuck in some honey and then the Bee Lord took a cheap shot. It wasn't because she wasn't good enough or anything. She's the greatest witch ever!"
"All the more reason for her not to make mistakes like that. Rose holds herself to much too high of a standard if you ask me." Jade sighed. "Anyways, Rose probably feels like a failure for not being able to hold her own and the last thing she needs is you, John, acting like a knight in shining armor, swooping in to make her feel better about herself."
"So what is he supposed to do?" Questioned Davesprite. "Just sit on his ass and watch his lady waste away in despair?"
That was most definitely not what John wanted to do. His friendly, as well as boyfriendly, instincts were urging him to rush to Rose's side and comfort her. However, if Jade advised against it, he felt it would be a good idea to heed her words, since he honestly knew little about relationships and even less about the complex inner-workings of a woman's mind.
Jade spoke to him:
"Look, John. I know that this is confusing and upsetting, but you need to take a backseat right now. You need to be there for Rose without actually being there, if that makes any sense."
"It doesn't."
"Well, how about this: just be nearby and when Rose is ready and willing to talk, she'll come to you." Jade thumped him on the arm. "And that's when you work your comforting magic."
Considering Jade's wise, yet incredibly confusing words, John came to the conclusion that he would do his best to follow the Weredogs advice. When Rose wanted him, he'd be there.
And that's all there really is to say on the matter.
"Thanks for your help, Jade." John let out a heavy sigh and rested his elbows on the edge of the ferry, gazing down into the glimmering water below. "It means a lot."
"No problem. Just doing my best. Rose is my friend too, you know?" Jade grinned, happy at having been able to help another friend in need, despite the fact that she didn't know for sure whether or not she was even remotely accurate in her analysis of Rose's emotions.
As it turns out, Jade was nearly spot on. Rose sat on the far edge of the boat, dangling her feet in the gently-flowing water, and examining the three Keys of Fate which sat heavily in her palm. There was the bronze from the Crab King, the silver from the Vampire Queen, and the gold from the Bee Lord. With the three keys combined, she could gain access to the Dragon Mistress's lair in the northern mountains and face her in one-on-one combat.
If she was even good enough to challenge the Dragon Mistress, that is.
Gripping the keys tightly in her palm, Rose considered for the briefest of moments just tossing the precious artifacts into the river deep. She was not match for the Dragon Mistress, not after her abysmal performance against the Bee Lord. She had choked, lost her thunder, pulled a total John, completely threw the fight over something as stupid and as an easily avoidable puddle of sticky honey.
If it weren't for her friends or the timely intervention of the Death Maiden, she probably would have died. And that, in all honesty, was the worst feeling of all, the feeling that she was now dependent on these mere mortals. Friends they may be, Rose had never ever, in her entire witchly career, found herself in a situation like this: where she was tied down.
"What happened to you, Lalonde?" She muttered to herself, gazing down at her blurry reflection in the water. "You never needed anyone before. Now look at you, a Weredog friend, a wise-cracking familiar, a fucking boyfriend? You never lost a fight to anyone until you joined up with this crew."
It was easy to blame her recent lapse in skill and her newfound mindset on her friends, even easier to pinpoint an obvious solution to her predicament: Just run away, leave John and all your friends behind. It would be better that way. She could face the Dragon Mistress on her own, not have to worry about protecting them or explaining things to them or trying to impress them.
Things could go back to the way they were, just Rose Lalonde the greatest witch ever and the ultimate quest. Rose looked across the river to the nearest shore. It would be easy to slip away while the others were distracted, just so incredibly easy.
And yet…
Rose turned her neck slightly to regard her friends on the other side of the ferry. John and Jade were cackling loudly and pointing at Davesprite, who was attempting to juggle several wine bottles. They were happy and alive and… Rose wanted to be a part of that.
But she also wanted to be the best around and she also knew that, in the end, other people were just a liability.
"Why can't things just ever be simple?" Rose sighed to herself as she rested her head in her hands.
Down below deck, while our heroes were still unawares, Scott the Necromancer and Yahtzee the evil woodland witch met to discuss their evil plans.
"Everything's in place for our grand assault." Reported Scott. "Damien the evil Werecat is bringing the ferry to a stop up ahead, where the Fish Baron will board the boat from the river. At that time, you and I will spring up from below deck and join in the ambush. In seconds, we're have Lalonde and her gang under out boots."
"Good, good." Chuckled Yahtzee as she weaved some magic betwixt her gross-ass fingers, which had like ten inch long yellowing fingernails. "I've been waiting far too long to get revenge on these suckers. I have a very nasty spell cooked up for the hero with the hammer. Hehehehe!"
"That dork with the glasses? I wouldn't waste my time." Scott grumbled in response. "It's that pretentious, snooty witch that I want."
"You know that the Fish Baron wants Lalonde for himself, Necromancer. I would stick to the plan if I were you."
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. That ol' Fish Baron just better let me get in a few blows edge-wise before he finishes her off. That's all I'm saying." As Scott spoke, the boat's magic engine emitted a low boom and then began to bring the ferry to a slow halt. A grin split Scott's lips. "That's Damien stopping the boat. I better get into position. Wait for the signal, Yahtzee. Then, well, you know what to do."
"Victory shall be ours!" Cackled Yahtzee as Scott moved away through the cargo hold.
Up on the deck, Rose and the rest of the gang quickly noticed that their journey was quickly being brought to a grinding halt. As the ferry came to a stop, with a final putputputs from the engine, they found themselves positioned at the base of a set of cliffs, complete with a nice little waterfall. Black river rocks protruded from the riverbed like tombstones and a mystical mist filled the air due to the flow of the waterfall.
On any other occasion, Rose would have appreciated the view, but she was anxious to get moving.
"Any idea why we've stopped?" Rose asked, joining her friends across the deck.
"Sounds like engine trouble to me." Answered Jade. "Come on. Let's go talk to the captain."
The group crossed the deck once more to the captain's quarters, arriving outside the door just as it was opened from the inside. Out stepped the captain, secretly Damien the Werecat, dressed in your typical captain's garb.
"Ahoy! How's it going, mihardies?" Greeted Damien in his best pirate voice.
"Seeing as we are no longer moving, I'd say that things are going rather unfavorably." Rose folded her arms to illustrate her impatience. "Why have we stopped? You promised us safe passage all the way up to the Emerald City port."
"A good sailor always keeps his promises, my fair maiden! We've merely hit a snag in the road, nothing a little engine maintenance won't fix. If you'll just retake your seats, I'll have us up and runnin again in no time at all!"
"Why don't you let me take a look at it?" Offered Jade, who was not only adept in several forms of engineering, but also hella antsy to be of use. "I have experience with magic engines! This one time we stole this really sweet bonecar from these rogues and I had to fix it up more than once."
"Yeah. It's too bad that baby broke down and we had to abandon it in the desert." Added John with a frown. "Rest in peace, you beautiful piece of machinery."
Damien the Werecat ground his teeth furiously. John and Roxy had stolen that rock n' rollin bonecar from him back in chapter ten, as you should remember. It had been one of his prized possessions, as Damien and his Werecat father had built it from scratch during the summer of year 205. It took all of the evil rogue's willpower to resist drawing his blade and cutting down the heroes then and there.
"That's quite an engrossing tale." Growled Damien. "But I will not be requiring your help, Miss Harley. Thank you for offering though."
"Oh. No problem!" Jade responded, a little sadly. "I'll just- be up here if you need any help."
Without another word, Damien turned and disappeared back into the captain's quarters, slamming the door behind him once more in Jade's face. The Weredog scrunched up her nose and took in a big whiff of air, catching the scent of something on the breeze.
Rose noticed goosebumps rise on Jade's exposed shoulders and arms.
"Something wrong, Jade?" Asked the witch curiously.
"I dunno for sure." Jade rubbed her chin thoughtfully. "For a second there, I could have sworn that I could smell a little Werecat around here somewhere."
"Oh. That's probably just John." Davesprite tried to ease her anxiety. "He's still wearing the same shirt he wore back when he used to date that incredibly talented and attractive Werecat Roxy. He probably still has a little of her scent on him. Do you remember Roxy, guys? She was really cool and John totally fucked up his relationship with her. Remember?"
"Yes." John swallowed hard around the lump in his throat. "I remember."
Rose narrowed her eyes at Davesprite.
"Could you stop brining Roxy up every five seconds? We get it, you have absolutely zero tact or people skills, but even an idiot could see that mentioning her makes John uncomfortable." She snapped.
"Or maybe it just makes you uncomfortable?" Davesprite countered lightly, displaying remarkable crassness. "You used to have a ridiculous inferiority complex with her, remember? Do you remember that, Rose? Do ya?"
Age, a wife, and a kid would help Davesprite to mature eventually. For the time being though, it was up to Rose and the rest to keep him in check.
Turning, Rose curled her fingers into a fist and cordially introduced them to Davesprite's ghostly stomach, knocking the fake-wind out of him with a well-placed punch. As he doubled up and fell to the floor, the much more doting Jade went to his aid. John took this opportunity to converse with his own love interest.
"Say, Rose. Have you been feeling okay lately?" He asked, as he gently led her away from the others. "I've just noticed that you've been… I dunno, a little withdrawn as of late."
"Withdrawn? Me?" Rose laughed lightly and deposited a quick kiss on John's cheek. It was all a facade though, created to hide her true self-doubt. "How preposterous! I've never felt more close to anyone in my life!"
"Well, it's just that you've been a little down since the Bee Lord fight." John face pleasantly warmed from her kiss, but he was determined to stay on track. "I just want you to know that if you need to talk to anyone, about anything, that I'm always here for you."
Rose opened her mouth to brush him off again, but caught herself. Here was John, extending a friendly hand of support with no strings attatached, and she was about to shove it back in his face. That's no way to treat anyone, let alone a friend, let alone your god-damn boyfriend.
Maybe the solution for her anxiety wasn't the pull away, but to actually draw nearer. It's one of the many things Rose Lalonde, in all of her epic career, had yet to try.
And it was worth the shot.
"Thank you, John." She said with a small, yet genuine smile. "It- it means a lot to me that you say that."
The couple shared a brief hug, that probably would have descended into something much less innocent were it not for what happened next. As Rose and John had a straight-up feel session and Jade helped Davesprite recover his latest ass-whooping, a massive shape exploded from the surface of the river, causing the boat to rock dangerously.
Rose pulled away from John and shielded her eyes from the sun to investigate the disturbance. She gasped at what she saw, for it was truly a terrifyingly familiar sight.
"Rose Lalonde!" Bellowed the Fish Baron, who sat astride the back of a giant seahorse. He wore his usual black robes and wielded a glittering wand in this ringed fingers. "Your time as sorceress supreme has come to it's end! Prepare to meet your maker!"
"Fish Baron!" Rose snarled, as she drew her wands. "I thought our previous encounter would have taught you that I am not one to be trifled with! I suppose fools such as you never learn!"
"Oh, but that's where you're wrong, Lalonde. I have learned extremely well!" The Fish Baron raised his hand above his head and snapped his fingers. From below the wooden deck erupted Yahtzee and Scott, as well as Damien, all of which were now donning battle gear. "Behold! Your past transgressions have returned to cause you unmitigated grief! You shall not walk away from this battle unscathed, Lalonde. I promise thee that!"
John, Davesprite, and Jade drew their weapons and leapt to Rose's side as the villains surrounded them. They had fallen for the Fish Baron's trap and found themselves in what could truly be described as their hairiest situation yet! The Fish Baron pointed his wand directly at Rose's chest and bellowed:
"ATTACK MY FRIENDS! SHOW HER WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE TREATED LIKE TRASH!"
As one, Scott the skeleton necromancer, Damien the Werecat, and Yahtzee the evil woodland witch leapt forward and engaged the heroes in a fierce battle.
Scott fired a spell at Davesprite's head, which the sprite dodged and responded to with a furious swipe of his magic sword. The pair of them danced across the deck, trading blow after blow, as Jade tackled Damien to the deck and wrestled him into a sleeper hold.
"Not so tough without your crew, are you, dirtbag?" She growled. "Give me one reason not to snap your neck."
"How about this!" Damien roared and then transformed into his Werecat form! He bucked Jade off of his back and wheeled on her, baring his now razor-sharp fangs and hissing menacingly.
"Two can play at that game!" Jade quickly shape-shifted into her own animal form, becoming a fully-fledged Weredog! The two werebeasts then clashed in a mass of claws, teeth, and fur that rolled across the deck, leaving deep gouges in the already ruined wood.
While that was happening, John and Yahtzee circled one another. The evil woodland witch conjured magic fire in her palms and shot fireballs at John, who used his hammer to deflect them.
"I dunno if I can hit a woman." Admitted John honestly, as he dodged another one of her spells. "Maybe we can work this out by, like, talking or something."
"Oh! So you chose now of all times to act all chivalrous!" Yahtzee barked angrily. "You had no problem giving me the old bash to the back of the head back in my forest!"
"Only because you were trying to steal my girlfriend at the time's sanity! Who does that, by the way? It's such a dick move!"
"Maybe you missed this somehow," Yahtzee fired another spell at John. "But I'm Yahtzee the evil witch. MWAAHAHHAHA!"
Lastly, while all of that other shit was going on, Rose leapt into the air and flew right towards the Fish Baron. The evil mage wannabee let out a pitiful shriek of fear and leapt from his seahorse mount, landing on one of the black rocks protruding from river. Rose perched on another rock nearby and faced the villain.
"Fight me like something resembling a real wizard, you shitty piece of shit!" She taunted. "Otherwise, surrender your wand and be gone!"
"I'm not going anywhere!" The Fish Baron steeled himself. "I organized this whole plot to kill you and dammit if I back down now. En garde, Lalonde!"
Leaping from black rock to black rock, Rose and the Fish Baron battled in a fierce duel of magics, as the river continued to flow swiftly beneath them. It was easily one of the most interesting and cool battles that Davesprite would have loved to have watched, that is if he wasn't duking it out with Scott the skeleton necromancer himself.
"Where's Janesprite?" Snarled Scott as he dodged another swipe from Davesprite. "Did that pitiful excuse for a familiar die during the battle at owl bay? Please tell me she croaked it."
"Janesprite is ten times the person you'll ever be!" Davesprite angrily swung his sword at Scott again, who blocked it with his wand. "And she's alive and better than ever now that she's away from you!"
"Heh. You sprites are all the same. Pathetic creatures who live under the delusion of actually being a legit person." Scott raised his wand and summoned a mighty spell. "You'll learn your place soon enough, sprite!"
"Davesprite, duck!" Shouted a voice suddenly.
Davesprite did as he was told without hesitation and a confused Scott was suddenly blind-sided by a power hammer swing by none other than John Egbert. The skeleton necromancer was lifted off of his feet and tossed across the deck where he crashed into the captain's quarters. His evil skeleton bones couldn't stand up under the abuse and they crumbled into a fine powder as he slumped to the floor, leaving only a pile of bone dust and some nasty-ass robes in his place.
"No! Scott, my love!" Yahtzee glared at John. "You'll pay for that ten-fold, you monster! You just killed my boyfriend!"
"Strange couple." Commented Davesprite.
Swirling her hands in a complicated pattern, Yahtzee worked some of the most evil magic ever to exist in this plane of reality. A swirling mass of red energy formed around her fingers as she spoke:
"I notice that you and that witch have grown rather close. Hehe. What's up with that? Was that Werecat not enough to satiate your loins?"
"Ugh." John raised his hammer again. "Can we talk about something else please?"
"Sure!" Yahtzee finished weaving her dastardly spell. "I hope that you and Lalonde have a long, prosperous relationship, because other than her…" The evil witch fired her spell at John. "YOU SHALL NEVER LOVE AGAIN! MWAHHAHAHA!"
John tried to dodge the spell, he really did, but it struck him regardless and blasted him off his feet. He slid across the deck of the ship and into the still-wrestling Jade and Damien bowling them over as well. As Yahtzee shrieked with laughter, her evil deed done, she did not notice Davesprite sneaking up on her until it was too late.
"I abhor violence against women," Stated Davesprite firmly. "But I'll make an exception in your case, bitch!"
Then, while Yahtzee was distracted, the sprite ran her through with his sword. She died instantly after bleeding out on the deck of the ferry for about five minutes. It truly seemed like the battle was in the heroes' favor, with already two of the Fish Baron's companions defeated.
"Get off of me, you foul cretins!" Barked Damien the Werecat as he shoved John and Jade away from him. "I shall not be defeated so easily!"
"I don't care." John stood up and brushed himself off. "What did Yahtzee do to me? It sounded like she cursed me!"
"You have been cursed, idiot!" Damien growled. "But not like it will matter. You'll soon be dead!"
"We'll see about that." Jade snarled and advanced on Damien. "Bring it you little puddy cat! Let's end this!"
The Weredog and the Werecat engaged each other once more. Jade clamped her powerful jaws on his neck and ripping at his throat, while Damien dragged his claws across her belly, attempting to gut her. It was an intense and horrifying battle that left John and Davesprite frozen in fear, as the two werebeasts rolled once more across the deck of the ferry.
The boat was pretty glubbed up. Gaping holes opened up to the cargo hold from where Scott, Yahtzee, and Damien had leapt upwards, claw and teeth marks scored the surface from the werebeast fight, and the captain's quarters now had a slight lean thanks to Scott's impact against it.
To top it all off, Rose and the Fish Baron's fight was leading to a lot of unneeded collateral damage. As the magic-dueling pair leapt from river rock to river rock, dodging one another's magical blasts, wild spells ended up flying all over the god-damn place.
They ripped holes in the cliff side, blew columns of water from the river, and ripped holes clean through the unfortunate ferry, whose only crime was being in harm's way. John and Davesprite quickly noticed that the ship was beginning to sink.
"We've got to end this before we all wind up in the drink." John said to his friend. "Go help Rose. I'll get Damien off of Jade."
"No. That's a shit idea. You have shit ideas, John." Davesprite responded. He watched Jade and Damien, who were now just two masses of bloody fur, tussle across the ferry. "Rose can handle herself. I'm not leaving Jade."
"You aren't leaving her. I'll be helping her. Listen, Davesprite. I know that you want to protect her, but I can't exactly fly over the water to help Rose. You can. I need you to watch her back."
However, no sooner were the words out of John's mouth then Jade let out a might roar and pinned Damien to the deck between her knees. She then unleashed a furry of claw swipes against the Werecat, clawing up his face, neck, and chest. Deep gouges of red opened up across Damien's fur, leaking red onto the ferry's deck. Gripping him by either side of the head, Jade bared her fangs and growled:
"This is what you get for being such a shitty person."
Then she ripped his motherfucking head off.
"WHAT!" Rosie shrieked, cutting her father off mid-story. "Mom would never do that!"
"Shhhhhhh." Dave motioned for his daughter to lower her voice. They were currently lounging on the shore of Owl Bay, still enjoying their family vacation. Jade was having a swim in the shallow water at the moment, giving the father and daughter duo time for a quick story. "Christ, keep your expletives under a reasonable decibel level, child. You want to get us busted?"
"No." The young girl muttered and looked towards the water, where Jade was lazily doing the doggy paddle. "It's just that, I- I can't even picture mom doing something like that."
"You've never seen her transform before." Dave pointed out. "Also, like I've said a billion times, things were different back then. Your mother's mellowed with age, I promise you that. We all have."
"Okay."
"Do you want to stop?"
"No. Keep going."
Dave eyed his daughter anxiously, but continued the story anyways. He wasn't about to stop now.
Then she ripped his motherfucking head off.
"Daaaammmmn." Said John and Davesprite in unison.
If John wasn't happily in a relationship with Rose and didn't see Jade as a sister-like figure, then he probably would have been sexually aroused by the badass act. Davesprite didn't possess any sexual organs at the time, thus rendering this sentence moot point.
"Are you guys alright?" Jade asked her friends, as she tossed Damien's head overboard. "You weren't hurt, were you?"
"I'm fine." Answered Davesprite. "Although Yahtzee did set a curse on John."
"What?! What sort of curse?!"
"I dunno." John shrugged. "She said something about Rose and never loving again…" A thought suddenly struck him. "Oh god! What if she made it so that I don't love Rose anymore?!"
"Can that be a thing?" Jade asked.
"I dunno if regular magic can change someone's heart." Davesprite mused. "It would have to be an incredibly dark and powerful hex-"
He was cut off as the boat groaned loudly and tipped to the starboard side quite violently, tossing John and Jade to the floor. The boat was beginning to sink at a rapid rate, thanks to all the holes Rose and the Fish Baron were peppering into the side of the hull.
"We'll have to figure it out later. Right now, let's get the hell off this ship!" Jade turned and led the way to the edge of the ferry, wasting no time in leaping down into the water below.
Davesprite was already floating ahead when he noticed that John was still on the boat.
"Yo, Egbert! Move that ass!" He called back.
"I, uh… I can't swim." John admitted. "Just- Just go without me."
"And leave you to die? Yeah, that makes a lot of fucking sense. Damn, you really are a shit hero." Davesprite quickly floated back to John and grabbed the other dude around the middle. "Keep track of your personal belongings and keep your arms and legs in the sprite at all times. Hold on, Bro!"
As the ship sank, with Jade, Davesprite, and John narrowly escaping a watery grave, Rose and the Fish Baron still continued their duel. Rose leapt off a rock just as the Fish Baron disintegrated it with a well-aimed cannon spell. The greatest witch ever had to admit, the lame-ass Fish Baron had actually learned a few things since their last battle.
The Fish Baron ducked as Rose fired a few magical beams of light his way and leapt to the next black, river rock. It seemed apparent that this duel was going nowhere fast as both of the magicians were unable to gain any ground on their opponent. Rose then noticed that the ferry was half-submerged below the lake and that her friends were collecting themselves on the nearest shore.
"Observe, Fish Baron!" She taunted a final time, as she pointed to the sinking ship and her safe friends. "It appears your companions have been outfoxed once more by my own. I believe that's quite telling about how this battle is going to end. Accept your doom and maybe I'll make your death quick and painless."
"I- I can't surrender." The Fish Baron fired desperate spell after desperate spell at Rose, but the skillful witch was too quick. "I've come too far to give up now!"
"I know exactly how you feel." Rose leapt from one to the next, somersaulted over another magic projectile, and pirouetted to a rock close to the Fish Baron. "Which is why I'm sorry for what I'm about do, however, not sorry enough to change my mind!"
Twirling her wands, Rose fired an incredibly powerful burst of magic at the Fish Baron of the Sea. He tried to block it with his wand, but it was far too late, the spell struck him head on, ripped his wand from his hands, tore his black robes from his body, and left him standing there in a pair of boxer shorts with red hearts on them.
Everyone laughed because they could see his tiny bulge.
"Rot in hell, Fish Baron. You stupid sonovabitch." Said Rose as she flicked her wrist and fired a bullet spell directly into the Fish Baron's stupid head.
His dead body slumped and fell into the river, where it was then eaten by his pet giant seahorse, who secretly hated him this entire time. In the distance the sound of bagpipes could be heard, although no one really gave a shit because the Fish Baron sucked and Rose was way cooler.
She floated across the river with a magic spell and rejoined her friends.
"Nice work back there, guys." She congratulated. "We sure showed those guys not to mess with us."
"Yeah. I guess, but we lost the boat." John pointed out. "Not to mention that all of our supplies were on board. We're literally stranded in the middle of nowhere."
"Be that as it may," Piped up Jade, as she drew her friends into a group hug. "You're never lost when you're with friends. As long as we're together, we'll be fine."
And as they stood together, victorious under the midday sun, watching the ferry sink to the depths below, Rose Lalonde had a hard time disagreeing with her.
"Wow." Said Rosie once her father's tale for the day was finished. "Our heroes just can't catch a break, huh? Are we ever going to get a chapter where they just chill out?"
"The Worst Wizard Dance Ever was a pretty chill story."
"Yeah, but it was also kind of messed up because the party that was thrown in their honor was utter shit." Rosie leaned back on her beach towel and sighed. "I suppose the life on an adventurer is rife with uncertainties. Speaking of which, John just got cursed, right? Yahtzee said that she cursed him. What's that about? Does John not love Rose anymore?"
"Naw he still loves her. The curse was… a little more dastardly than that." Dave explained carefully.
"So… He can never love… anyone other than Rose? That's not so bad. I mean, now that they're together and all."
"I suppose so." Dave rubbed at his eyes under his shades. Maybe his wife was right about recanting this story. He could almost feel the weight of his words on his bones. His thoughts were broken by the sound of footsteps on the sand.
"Hey there you two." Jade stood over her family. "Are you going to join me in the water or what? It'd be a shame to waste a day like this!"
"Yeah! I'll race you!" Leaping to her feet, Rosie sprinted towards the water with Jade close behind, both of the girls giggling madly.
Dave shook his head, climbed to his feet, and followed.
I'm back again, after another little hiatus. Let's hope that I can power through the rest of this story with no more trouble, since John: Try to Understand is done and all that jazz.
Anyways, I hope that you're still enjoying this story. Thanks for reading and sticking around.
- Mike