Chapter Twenty: Davesprite's Bro is a Jerk
It was the last day of the Strider family vacation and Dave, Jade, and Rosie were having a good old time, walking through the kingdom's streets, seeing all the sights, greeting all the friendly faces. They'd have to head back home the following morning, so for now, they were making the most of the time they had left.
"We still need to do some shopping for a new magical academy that's better suited for Rosie's needs." Jade pointed out, as she tugged the young girl in question along by the hand. "Here, let's stop by the library. They're bound to have some directories in there!"
"Bleh." Dave was not a big fan of libraries, not because he disliked reading or anything though. He was known to curl up every whence and then with an ice-cold mead and one of the many Marry Totter books.
Marry Totter is a popular book series, in which this young witch discovers one day that she's actually just a regular old human! She's then sent to this lame, boring, human school where she learns all this everyday human stuff, like balancing a check book, mowing the lawn, and unloading the dishwasher, and goes on absolutely zero fun adventures.
No. The real reason Dave disliked the library was because of just how quiet and stuffy it was in there. After his thousand-year imprisonment inside of a magical amulet, he'd become adverse to enclosed spaces, complete silence, and neck jewelry.
"I'll wait outside if it's all the same to you guys." Said Dave. "Libraries give me the creeps and there's this really awesome record scroll shop that I've been wanting to check out."
"Alright," Jade bid her husband farewell with a quick kiss on the cheek. "Meet us back here in an hour. Come on, Rosie."
As Jade and young Rosie entered the library, Dave turned on his heel and headed off down the street once more. The record scroll shop was only a few blocks away and within a few minute's time, he was stepping through the front door. Inside the small shop there were many scrolls, all of which played sweet jams the second you unrolled them.
As Dave perused the selves, keeping his eyes peeled for anything worthwhile, he quite by accident stumbled on the long robes of a fellow shopper.
"Oh shit. Sorry, miss." Said Dave to the stranger. "I didn't seeeeeeeeeeeee-"
His word stretched out into a long hum when the stranger turned around to reveal the face of none other than Roxy the Werecat, the sexy former rogue. She pulled back her hood to look at Dave fully and waited patiently for him to recover from his shock.
"eeeeeeee you there. Roxy? What the hell are you doing here?" Dave asked, giving his old friend a quick glance over.
He hadn't seen her in years, not since Rosie was a little girl. The rogue was older, of course, but not any less beautiful. Her hair was longer, the lines of her face were deeper, but her eyes were just as sharp as ever. She wore dark robes and carried her signature short sword in a holder-thingy strapped to her hip.
"Shopping." Said Roxy simply. "The Fuchsia Kingdom is known for having the best record scrolls in all of Skaia. You of all people should know that, Strider."
"Yeah, but… We haven't seen you in- what? Five years?" Dave lowered his voice slightly, even though they seemed to be the only two people in the shop. "Where have you been, Roxy? Five years. No letters, no wizard emails, nothing. Jade and I have been worried sick."
"After… everything that happened, I needed some time to myself. I spent some time in the Wizard Mountains, along the eastern coast, even up in the northern plains." She smirked slightly. "You should see the monument they've built up there. It's nice. Although…" She prodded at Dave's stomach. "They might need to glue on some more marble to keep it current with the real thing."
Dave slapped her hand away.
"What are you talking about? I'm just as sexy as I ever was." He sucked in his stomach none the less. "And yeah, I've seen the monument. It's pretty shit if you ask me. Rose's stature is much too big. It's like four times mine. What's up with that?"
Roxy pursed her lips slightly.
"Well, Rose always did have a knack for placing herself above her friends, didn't she?"
"She changed, Roxy. You know that. For the better too." Dave folded his arms. "But Rose's past bitchness aside, I'm more concerned about why you ran away like that and also what exactly you're going to say to my daughter to make up for it."
"Rosie's here?" Roxy's eyes lit up and she cast about, as if to find the young girl crouching behind a nearby display. "Where is she?"
"At the library, with her mother. We ran into a little bit of trouble lately with her school and we're in the process of finding a new one."
"Oh really? Huh, what sort of trouble?"
"The Jade-would-kill-me-if-she-knew-the-full-story kind of trouble."
"Haha! Nice." Roxy grinned. "You know. You could teach her if you wanted to, Dave. You have a background in the magical arts."
"Yeah, but only in frustrating narrow fields." Dave grimaced. "Rosie needs more than just lessons on familiars, magical tethers, and conjuration. She needs potion-making skills, hexcraft, transfiguration, and a whole bunch of shit I know nothing about."
"You know… I know some stuff." Roxy chewed her lip. "I mean, if you were unable to find a new school, maybe we could work out some kind of multi-cooperative-tutoring thing?"
Dave was flabbergasted.
"I'm flabbergasted!" He said. "You'd do that? What happened to finding time for yourself or whatever hippie shit you were just talking about?"
"I've spent years being a shit aunt." Roxy admitted with a sigh. "I've had time to myself and I suppose the reason I'm this far south again is because… well, maybe I was hoping that I'd bump into my old friends a little bit." She met Dave's gaze with her own, firm and resolute. "I don't think it's a coincidence we're in the same record scroll store, Dave. Your daughter is meant for great things, just look at her parents! If I can help her on the road to that greatness, then of course I'll do whatever I can."
Dave smirked, which is about as close to a full-blown grin you could get from the cool guy, and embraced Roxy tenderly. After four years of separation, the friends were together again once more.
"Come on," Said Dave, tugging Roxy behind him. "Let's get to the library. The girls will be so fucking jazzed to see you!"
Jade was not fucking jazzed.
"Where. The. Hell. Have. You. Been!" Cried the Weredog lass, as she beat Roxy around the head with an encyclopedia.
A stereotypical librarian, complete with horn-rimmed glasses and a cardigan, peeked between two books on a nearby self and let out a sharp 'shhhhhhhhhhh' to silence Jade. Dave hastily grabbed his daughter and wife by the arms and began steering them towards the doors.
"Perhaps we should continue this outside." He muttered quietly, as Roxy followed sullenly behind the family.
So yeah, after the pleasantries were hashed out, it was agreed that Roxy and Dave would work together to tutor Rosie in the magical arts. It was a cheap, fun, and potentially much more dangerous solution to Rosie's school issues, which looked pretty good on paper, but whether not it would actually work remained to be seen.
Regardless, it was agreed that Roxy would travel with the Strider family back to their home the following morning and seek housing in their town. For the first time in years, Rosie had her favorite aunt back and Roxy, once more, felt like she belonged.
Everyone was not sad.
And as Rosie snuggled up in her bed at the inn that night for her father's story, she couldn't help but be distracted by fantasies of herself, her mother, and now her two tutors: her dad and Roxy, roaming the plains of Skaia together, an unstoppable team in search of adventure…
Rose, John, Davesprite, and Jade, having just survived the second and final attack of the Fish Baron of the Sea, were marooned on the edge of the Black Rock River. All of their supplies were left behind on the sunken ferry, which included Rose's map, John's head of broccoli that he'd been carrying around since chapter six, and Davesprite's collection of souvenir t-shirts.
That being said, everyone was not happy.
"This is such bullshit!" Said John. "I was like, a hundred percent sure that broccoli would get us out of tough bind one day."
"They'll be more where that came from." Assured Rose. "In the meantime, we should continue our trek northward. There's bound to be a town nearby where we can restock up on supplies and rest. Jade, which way do you think is north?"
Jade, the clever Weredog badass, examined the setting sun. As a former member of the Sun Clan, she was adept at telling cardinal directions by use of sun and in no time at all, she had identified which direction they were meant to travel.
"This way gang!" She sang, as she led the way into the undergrowth.
The group once more found themselves in a dense forest, much more dark and mysterious than the Forest of Franklin outside the City of Lakewater, and also much harder to navigate. Rose's robes got snagged on many thorns and branches, whilst Jade continuously got sidetracked by interesting scents.
"Oh shit. I think there's a racoonicorn over there!" She barked, attempting to race away once more.
Davesprite seized her by the belt though and held her back.
"Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. Get a grip on yourself, you crazy loon." He snapped.
"I'm not crazy! You're crazy!"
"Ooooooh. Good comeback."
"I'll show you a comeback!" Jade pulled back her fist, but Rose quickly intervened before they could come to blows.
"Stop it both of you. I know that we're all under a lot of pressure right now, following that battle and the loss of the ferry, which was in no shape or form my fault by the way, but we can't afford to fight amongst ourselves." The witch examined the immediate surroundings and noticed that the group had come to halt in a small clearing. "Here we go. Let's rest for a few hours and regain some composure. Then we can continue on our quest."
John was taken aback. Rose was never one to suggest pausing for rests, not when her ultimate quest was at stake. Yet here she was, plopping herself down onto a fallen log and motioning for the rest of her party members to join her.
"Alright, sounds like a plan to me." Jade promptly curled on the soft grass and fell asleep.
Davesprite gave Jade an odd look, half affection and half exasperation, before shaking his head and turning away.
"I'm going back to the river." He explained. "Maybe I can salvage some stuff from the ferry that you wrecked, Rose."
"I didn't… oh whatever. Be careful and don't stray too far as to lose your way back, alright?"
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." And then Davesprite disappeared into the trees, leaving only John and Rose behind.
John took a seat on the ground and leaned back against the log which Rose was perched upon. He sighed, getting himself comfortable as Rose's shin bumped gently against his side.
"Do you wanna… I dunno, talk about something?" He asked, craning his neck to look up at her. "That fight with the Fish Baron was pretty intense. You were spectacular, as per usual."
"Thanks, John." Rose smiled sweetly. "I appreciate the compliment and no, I do not have anything I wish to discuss at the time being. I suggest you rest, fore we will not be making any more pit stops once we get moving again.
"Well… alright." John could still sense that something was off about Rose, but decided not to press her about it. She'd talk when she was ready.
Jade mumbled in her sleep and kicked with her legs, caught up in the midst of some dream. John chuckled to himself as he watched her until his eyes grew heavy. Jade's breathing was rhythmic, the grassy ground was soft, and Rose's thigh against his shoulder was pleasantly warm. He was lightly dozing when he hear the soft snap of a twig being broken.
"Huh?" His head, which had been resting back on the log, snapped upright once more. He'd fallen asleep for a moment. Jade was still curled up on the ground and Davesprite had yet to return from the sunken ferry. Wiping the sleep from his eyes, John looked up to Rose to see that the witch was gone. "Rose?"
Casting about quickly, he spotted a familiar blonde head bobbing away between the trees. Getting to his feet, John gave chase after his girlfriend, careful not to disturb the still-snoozing Jade. Wherever Rose was going, she obviously wanted it to be kept a secret, otherwise she would have woken him before leaving.
John was all for giving his relationship partner the proper space she desired, but this was just ridiculous. What if she got hurt? He deserved to know if she was rushing off to put herself in harm's way once more.
He tracked her to edge of another clearing, much larger than where he and the others had previously stopped to rest. Rose was standing just beyond the tree line, gazing up at a set of cliffs just barely visible beyond the opposite, clustered trees.
"Rose?" John announced his presence as he approached, sure not to surprise her.
She turned at his call and met his gaze with firm eyes.
"John." She responded evenly. She did not move as he joined her side.
"Where are you going?"
"There's something that I need to do."
"Something dangerous?"
"Not in the way you're thinking."
"Oh. Well that's… frustratingly vague." John rubbed the back of his neck. "Do you- um, need any help at all?"
"No. I'd prefer if I went ahead alone."
John nodded slowly, not fully grasping the point of all the secrecy, but doing his best to be accepting of it regardless. Jade's words from earlier came back to mind, you know the ones. The wise words about how Rose was meant to work out her own problems on her own.
"Alright, then." John jabbed a thumb over his shoulder. "I guess I'll be back at the camp if you need me."
As he moved to walk away, Rose suddenly let out a disgruntled sigh. When he looked back, he noticed that the firmness of her glare was gone, replaced with an almost sad expression.
"Dammit, John. Why do you have to be so… understanding?" She demanded irritably. "Just for once, why can't you tell me off? Why don't you ever do what you want to do?"
"Huh?" John moved back towards her. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about this." She gestured between the two of them quickly. "You're perfectly fine with me going off on my lonesome right now, which is incredibly dangerous in this neck of the woods. Isn't it obvious that I'm not really sure what I'm doing anymore? Why the fuck can't you slap some sense into me? Why has no one ever done that?!"
Actually, correction. The lovely Davesprite did in fact talk sense into Rose before on many prior occasions, surprisingly enough. Oh well, it's surprising how easily people forget the good done unto them by others. Let's see how that witchly bitch deals when her old sprite buddy isn't there to listen to her shitty relationship problems.
"I'm not going to slap sense into you, Rose." John gently took his girlfriend by the shoulders. "You may not feel it right now, but you're still the same awesome witch that you always were. In fact, I'd even say that you're better than ever! That little snag with the Bee Lord was just that: a snag. You defeated a whole army of Beemen almost singlehandedly not twenty-four hours before that bullshit fight."
Rose sighed again and leaned forward to rest her forehead on John's collarbone. She took a second to steel herself, breathing in his familiar scent of coffee grounds, slight sweat, and freshly baked cake, oddly enough.
"I'm scared, John." She muttered into his chest. "More than that, I feel sick. I don't… I don't think I'll be able to finish my ultimate quest. I just want to… run away, you know?"
"That's fine, Rose. That's a human thing. Even witches can feel doubt and stuff." He pulled away slightly and gently lifted her chin with his thumb to meet her violet eyes. "But you're not going to run away, because we're here for you. Me, Davesprite, and Jade, have got your back no matter what and as long as we work together, there's no way you'll quest will fail."
"How do you know that though?"
"Because… well, because I have faith in you, Rose. I think you can do anything if you set your mind to it. You're the greatest witch ever."
"Hmmmm." Rose hummed, not all that convinced. "Well it's good to hear that one of us can maintain their optimism."
"Yeah, it's how we complete each other. Haha." Wrapping his arm around Rose's slim shoulders, John began to guide her back towards the camp. "Come on. You're exhausted and depressed. You need rest, Rose."
"I cannot sleep now." Rose put a hand onto his chest to stop him. "As grateful as I am to have your full and undivided support, there is still a quest which I must undertake tonight, alone."
"What sort of quest?" Asked John, confused.
Rose turned and pointed towards the cliffs.
"Do you recognize that rock formation, John?"
"Nope."
"Those are the cliffs of heart. It's rumored that an old sage, familiar with the machinations of the soul, resides atop the tallest peak. If I go to the sage with my troubles, I'm bound to receive some sort of spiritual guidance."
"You really think that talking to some dusty old magician who lives in a cave is the way to go? How did you even know those cliffs were here?"
"I saw them from the river and to answer your question about the dusty old magician, I'm having trouble thinking of a reason not to take this time of rest to address my confidence issues. I believe it's worth the risk and I'd like to follow this through."
"Well… alright then." John hugged Rose again quickly. "Just promise me that you'll be careful, okay?"
"Of course." Rose returned his hug passionately before pulling away, waving farewell, and making her way towards the cliffs of heart.
Back at the sunken ferry, Davesprite was doing his best to salvage as much as the team's supplies as he could. The depths of the lake were murky, and covered with this really gross-ass sea weed, which really wasn't sea weed at all since it grew at the bottom of a river.
Motherfucking river weed.
Anyways, Davesprite couldn't see more than a few feet ahead of him through his goggles and more than once he swam head-long into the side of the crashed vessel, earning him a few bumps on his ghost head. However, he wasn't about to give up. All of his shit was down there! Like, fifty gold pieces worth of novelty t-shirts!
What's a sprite supposed to do? Let that shit go? Naw. Not in a million years.
He eventually found his sodden backpack by more of a stroke of luck than anything else. As he was swimming around the vessel, trying to find a suitable entrance through one of the many jagged holes in the hull, a glint of silver had caught his eye. He descended to the river's depth and retrieved his bag from a tangle of river weed.
"Hell to the fucking to the yes." Davesprite smirked to himself as floated up and out of the river. "Jade is going to be so jazzed when she sees that I got my gear back."
As he made his way towards the shore, an odd noise reached his ears, giving him pause. It was a gentle humming like that of magic engine in a boatboat. Turning to investigate, Dave squinted down the river and noticed that a second vessel was approaching from further upstream.
It was smaller than the sunken ferry, armed with large cannons, and flew a flag that Davesprite recognized almost immediately.
"Son of a bitch." Muttered the sprite as the boat drew nearer.
Meanwhile, John had returned to the camp and awoken Jade from her slumber. After learning the hard way that it's best to let sleeping Weredog's lie, he'd relayed to her in detail his conversation with Rose and the witch's plan to find her confidence once more, all the while nursing a nasty scratch to his cheek.
"Sounds to me like you did everything you could, John." Jade said, once he'd finished his spiel. "You reminded her that you were there for her, gave her emotional support without being overbearing, and supported her in making her own decisions. I give you an A Plus in the friendship scale." She then reached over and punched him as hard as she could in the arm. "But I give you a D Minus on the boyfriend scale!"
"What? Why? I thought I did alright!" John cradled his arm as well. "Fuck! Why do you keep hitting me?"
"Relationships are a two-way street, John! Rose opened up to you and admitted some very personal emotions. You have done literally zero for her in return. Why haven't you told her about Yahtzee's curse yet!?"
For those of you that forgot, Yahtzee the evil woodland witch placed a cursed on John last chapter. Something about love and Rose and not being able to love and other stuff. I don't remember exactly. It just sounded evil as shit.
John was now a marked man, cursed by an unknown hex. He felt a heavy weight settle in his gut, one of fear. It was almost as if he could feel the malevolent magic inside of him, rotting him slowly as he sat and fretted.
"I- I don't want Rose to worry." John replied dumbly. "We don't even know if Yahtzee put a real hex on me or not. I don't feel any different. Maybe she was just bluffing? Maybe, if she even did cast a curse, it stopped being a thing when she died?"
"We don't know that, but do you know who would?" Jade pointed through the trees, towards where Rose had left. "Your girlfriend! It's stupid not to tell her, John. You have to do it the next chance you get. Your life may be at stake!"
"Alright. Alright. I'll tell her. Just relax." John settled back against the log that was acting as his backrest. "There's nothing I can do about it at the moment. I'll tell Rose when she gets back. For now though, let's just have a nice, quiet, pleasant rest with absolutely no trouble whatsoever."
"Sounds good to me!" Agreed Jade.
Together, the two adventures settled in to continue their rest, heaving a contented sigh. It was a nice evening, with a full moon on the rise, late birds twittering happily in the branches above, and roving pack of pirates rushing through the trees and surrounding them.
Wait… what?
Yeah, John and Jade were suddenly surrounded by a group of pirates, wielding swords and holding none other than a furious-looking Davesprite as their hostage.
"You've gotta be joshin me." John groaned. He remembered all too well several occasions where he and his group were suddenly overwhelmed by bandits. He had absolutely zero desire to go through that again. "What do you pirates want? Why the fuck can't any of you just leave us alone? We're on a quest to save the world for shit's sake!"
"Relax, little guy. We aren't going to hurt you." One man stepped forward, the leader of the pirates. "How are yall doing on this lovely evening?"
"We'd be doing a whole lot better if you guys weren't here." Jade bared her fangs and growled at Davesprite's captors. "Let him go! Or else I'll rip your god-damn arms off!"
"Jade, no." Davesprite sighed. "Listen, these guys aren't here to rob us. This is Dirk," He pointed to the leader of the pirates. "And… and… he's my brother."
John and Jade exchanged a shocked glance and then looked to Dirk. He was an impressive-looking dude, wearing warrior's duds, a sweet pair of pointed shades, and wielding a razor-sharp katana in his gloved hand. You could sort of see a resemblance between him and Davesprite if you looked close enough, save for the obvious difference that Dirk was a hundred percent human.
"Heh. That's right." As if to affirm Davesprite's words, Dirk slid to his brother's side and ruffled his ghostly hair roughly. "We were heading south to, uh… pay a visit to some coastal towns when we heard the telltale sounds of a totally wicked battle. When we came to investigate, you better believe I was shocked to find this little dipshit floating around out there."
Davesprite chuckled half-heartedly as Dirk ruffled his hair again, slapped him on the back, and gave him a nasty whip with a wet rolled-up towel. You know, typical Bro stuff.
Jade continued to growl quietly. She could tell that Davesprite was uncomfortable with this situation and her hero's spirit refused for her to sit idly by while he suffered under his brother's rough, doting nature.
"So what do you want if you aren't here to pillage us?" She demanded. "You're pirates, right? Isn't that what you do?"
"Well, I wouldn't call us 'pirates' so much as motherfucking 'sailor-ninja-knights'." To illustrate his ninja skill, Dirk did a clap-flip, where you flip and clap at the same time.
"Daaaaaaammmmmn."Said John, who was impressed.
"Man, Bro. You're so goddamn awesome. I want to be like you when I grow up." Muttered Davesprite as he scuffed his ghostly tail in the dirt.
"Don't worry, little man." Dirk smirked as he dispensed more violent, brotherly affection. "Eat all your green veggies and you're bound to grow a few muscles eventually. Haha!" Dirk laughed and pointed at Davesprite's tiny biceps, as all of his ninja buddies joined in too. "Speaking of growing up, Davey. Why the hell are you still a sprite?"
"I got cursed asshole." Davesprite wriggled away from his Bro's attempt to give him a noogie and glared at him. "You should remember. You were there, after all."
"Well, yeah. But it's been a thousand years, dude. You should have removed the curse by now."
"There's a way to reverse his sprite transformation?" John interjected curiously. This was news to him. "How? I sort of always thought that Davesprite was just your regular, run of the mill sprite."
"Naw. This guy and I used to run this whole fucking land together as some of the greatest DJ's of all time, probably ever. We would have hit it big if this idiot hadn't gotten on the wrong side of that sorcerer." Dirk slung an arm around Davesprite's shoulder. "You know, after he turned you into a sprite and trapped you in that amulet, I didn't know what to do, man."
"You could have found me and set me free." Grumbled Davesprite.
"I would have, but by the time I found out what happened, your amulet had been sold. How the hell was I supposed to find one cursed amulet in this big old dangerous land? I'd almost given up hope that I'd ever see you again, Bro." Dirk wiped a fake tear out from beneath his shades. Cool dudes don't cry. "Until I saw your orange ass floating out over that river."
"How do you reverse the curse though?" Repeated John. If there was a way to return his friend back to his human form than he was eager to help in any way he could.
"The reversal of this particular curse is simple. I managed to squeeze it out of the sorcerer who hexed you in the first place, before I decapitated him of course." Dirk smiled fondly at the memory. "Anyway, yeah. To reverse the curse all you need is a kiss from your one true love."
Oh. So maybe John wouldn't be able to help out very much with this particular problem. All of Dirk's ninja pals laughed again at some private joke as all of the color drained from Davesprite's face. He cast a quick glance towards Jade, who had also gone quiet pale. Their eyes met momentarily before flicking away again.
As much as Davesprite liked Jade, he was unsure if the sloppy, crass affection he felt for her counted as 'true love' or not. Jade, on the other hand, was just overall confused for her feelings for Davesprite in general. She liked him, sure, but much like Rose, she had never attempted a fully fledged relationship before and didn't really know what to do. Also, Davesprite currently had a ghost butt, so there was that too.
"Welp. It looks I better get used to be a ghostly fuck, because there's no way in hell that I'm going to find my 'true love' or some shit anytime soon." Davesprite shrugged with forced nonchalance. "Thanks for the information though, Bro. I'll be sure to put it to good use never."
"Don't be such a sour sprout, pussy." Dirk slapped his bro on the back for, like, the sixtieth time. "That sort of attitude won't get you anywhere worthwhile."
"Speaking of getting places," John segued seamlessly. "Our ferry got wrecked by some evil mini-bosses and we're kind of stranded out here in the woods. You wouldn't happen to be able to give us a lift to the nearest town, would you?"
"Hmmm." Dirk stroked his chin as he mused, then he turned to his sailing navigator or map guy, if you will. "What do you think, map guy?"
"Well…" Map guy pulled out his map and pushed his spectacles further up his nose. "The nearest settlement northward would have to be Martindale, but if we go that far, we might as well go the extra twenty miles and take them to the Emerald City."
"We don't have time for such a detour." Piped up another sailor-ninja, whose name was calendar guy. Calendar guy pulled out his calendar and examined it closely. "If we want to make it the southern coast before next Soonsday, then we just can't travel that far in the other direction. Hmmmm. A roving festival is supposed to travel near here sometime tomorrow. Maybe they could find transport with them?"
"You." Dirk pointed to a third sailor-ninja-knight. "Event planner guy, where exactly is this festival going to take place and between what hours?"
Event planner guy pulled out his event-planning notebook and thumbed through the pages.
"Apparently the festival, which is thrown once a year to commemorate contemporary artistry, will take place on the shores of the black rock river tomorrow, about seventeen miles from out exact location." He answered.
"That isn't too far out of the way." Dirk nodded in approval and congratulated his brother once more with a quick flick to the ear. "Fret not, dear brother. We will sail you up stream and to the festival, but from there it's up to you to make your own damn way. We leave at first light!"
"Alright! Thanks, Dirk." John beamed. "I just hope Rose is back by then."
"She should be." Jade reassured him. "And even if she isn't, there's no way we're leaving without her."
So then the group settled in for the night, with Dirk and his sailor-ninja-pirates pitching their tents and John, Jade, and Davesprite curling up beneath the stars. John thought of Rose and prayed that she was alright, whilst both Jade and Davesprite wondered about their one true loves and if they would ever meet them.
As all that shit was happening, Rose made her way through the forest and to the cliffs of heart. Carefully, with the skill of a practiced adventurer, she scaled the rocky wall. It wasn't easy going, as the raw stone was jagged and sharp and many cracks and crevices gave shelter to rancor-rats.
Rancor-rats are these really belligerent rat-like creatures who like to yell at people. They're one purpose in life is to instill self-doubt in their prey, crippling their spirit by repeatedly bashing them with derogatory statements.
"Nice robes, witch." Said one rancor-rat as he poked he head out of his hidey hole. "They look really affordable. If know what I'm saying."
"What's with the haircut, witch? I thought bowl-cuts went out of style in year six. Hehe." Taunted a second rancor-rat.
"It's a bob!" Snapped Rose. "And shut the front fucking door! Climbing this cliff is hard enough as it is."
There was a moment of panic when a stone under her left foot suddenly crumbled under her weight, threatening to send her tumbling down back to the earth. She scrambled with her hands to find purchase and eventually regained her footing, but not without being reminded how truly dangerous and foolish this side-quest might be.
"I'd give up if I were you, witch." Continued the rancor-rat. "It's not like the guru that lives on the top of these cliffs will tell you anything worthwhile. You're wasting your time. Why don't you go home to your bazillion cats and die alone like you're supposed to- OH GOD MY LEGS!"
Diving her hand into a crack in the rocks, Rose seized the offending rancor-rat and ripped him from his home, tossing him bodily over her shoulder. The poor rat flew through the air like a speeding bullet spell and was caught in the claws of a Firefalcon, who just happened to be flying by at the time. The Firefalcon flew over to a basketball net and behind the back dunked the rancor-rat into the hoop, killing it instantly.
The rancor-rat succumbed to his wounds, but not before bemoaning his entire existence and yielding to the dreadful knowledge that his entire existence was utterly and irrevocably pointless.
At the top of the cliffs of heart, Rose saw what she had traveled so arduously for. There, nestled amongst a group of large boulders, sat a cozy, little hut, complete with a chimney, porch swing, and even one of those stupid bowls of water that people leave out for birds to take baths in.
Stupid. Everyone knows that birds only take showers in the privacy of their own home. Only uninhibited freaks bathe out in public like that.
Anyways, Rose approached the front door and knocked swiftly three times. Almost immediately, the door swung open to reveal the tiniest, cutest, little, wise sage ladies that you ever did see. She wore a green shawl and this adorable knitted cap atop her head.
She looked up at Rose and grinned widely.
"How wonderful!" She exclaimed. "A guest! Please come in, come in. Wipe your boots on the door mat there, come on. Don't be a stranger."
Rose cleaned her boots on the mat and entered the hut to find that it was a one room affair with minimal furniture, the most prominent being a pair of chairs directly in the center of the room. The wise sage lady crossed to one of the chairs and took a seat, motioning for Rose to take the one opposite her.
"I know why you're here, young witch." Spoke the sage. "I foresaw it in my crystal ball." She pointed towards a glittering ball on a nearby self, which sparkled with all sorts of magical bullshit. "Have no fear. Whatever you say in here will stay between the two of us no matter what! It's part of my magical contract. Hehe."
"Okay, well…" Rose shifted nervously in her chair. Talking to John about her problems was one thing, but this old sage was a complete stranger. It would take a second for the witch to steel her nerves once more. "I haven't been feeling up to snuff lately. Typically I'm an unstoppable killing machine with untold capacities for magical awesomeness, but I threw my recent battle with the Bee Lord of the South and now… now I just don't feel like the witch I once was."
The sage considered Rose's words for a moment and then stood up from her chair.
"How are your eating habits?" The sage started poking and prodding at Rose with her fingers. "Are you getting enough sleep?"
"I suppose I've eaten less than usual these past few days, slept less too." Rose admitted. "But that's just life on the road. It's hard to keep a good schedule when you're racing through the wilderness in pursuit of adventure."
"Mhmmm." The sage forced Rose's mouth open and peered down her throat. "Let's do a little bit of word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. If I say 'moon', you say…"
"Sun." Answered Rose lazily, as the sage moved on to inspecting her knee caps. She was starting to think that this so called 'wise' sage was nothing more than a hack.
"Water." Continued the sage.
"Rain."
"Turtle."
"Shell."
"Wagon."
"Wheel."
"Hammer."
"John."
The sage lifted an eyebrow and Rose pursed her lips. Of course she'd think of John in such a scenario. A hammer was his signature weapon and she had just talked to him not too long ago. The sage, with a sudden amount of caution, leaned forward and gently tickled at Rose's stomach.
"John is your mate, I presume?"
"We're in a relationship if that's what you mean."
"Of course." The sage finally returned to her seat and rubbed at her temples, whilst staring hard at the floor. The hut was silent for the moment, save for the soft crackling of the fire in the hearth, as Rose waited for the sage to speak once more. "I have an idea about what may be afflicting you, young witch. Are you ready to hear it?"
"Yes." Answered Rose immediately.
The sage looked up and met Rose's eyes. A wide grin, like that of the chesire cat, split her face as she spoke:
"You, Rose Lalonde the greatest witch ever, are pregnant."
Thanks for reading.
- Mike