Chapter Twenty-Two: The Town with No Mayor
Thanks to justifyingReality413 for reviewing
It was with mixed feelings that Rose and the gang boarded the Wizard Harvard Community College boneboat to continue their trek northward. On one hand, they were all pleased to be back on their way again as their quest was drawing towards its conclusion. But on the other hand: Davesprite had to bid farewell to his brother, Dirk, once again. The buzz from their spectacular musical performance faded away along with the festival. And most horribly, Rose, John, Davesprite, and Jade had no other option other than to face the issues they'd all been skirting around for the past few chapters.
As the boneboat pulled away from the shore, those festival-goers who had been a witness to "The Siege of Tralfmadore" waved and cheered after Chazz and his co-stars. Small children threw rose petals and rice grains, whilst young women (and maybe a few men) tossed their undergarments Chazz's way, hoping to catch his attention.
"They love me!" Chazz beamed, waving at his new fans as they slowly grew smaller and smaller. "They really love me!"
"Of course they do, Chazz!" Said one of the wizard students, who's parents probably hugged him too much. "You're a star! A mastermind! You're going places, man! I think your mom is attractive."
"What?"
"Nothing."
At the rear of the ship, Davesprite gazed back whence they came. If he squinted, he could almost see the mast of Dirk's sailor-ninja-knight ship amongst the other vessels moored on the shore of the carnival. His goodbye with his brother had been brief, but heart-felt. Dirk had been impressed by Davesprite's acting skills and, much to Davesprite's pleasure, really seemed to respect his younger brother.
For the first time in a long time, Davesprite felt as if he had a family again. If only he didn't have to say goodbye so soon.
"I know the feeling."Said a soft voice by his side.
Davesprite turned to find the fiendishly attractive and fierce profile of one Weredog Jade Harley, who had apparently snuck up to him with supreme stealth. His ghostly heart softened perceptibly when he saw her, as it always did.
"What the hell are you spinning, Harley?" He asked, the epitome of cool.
"You miss being with your brother." Jade replied with a small shrug. "He's the only person in this fucked up world that you feel you really belong with. I felt the same when we were leaving Wooftown."
"Really? Why? I mean, yeah that place was nice as hell and it was full of Weredogs, but…" Davesprite scratched his nose with forced nonchalance. "I thought we agreed that you belong with me- I mean us, Jade."
"Of course I belong with you guys!" She elbowed him in his ghost ribs. "And you belong with us too. There's no denying that. It's just that, it's nice to be around people who understand who and what you are basically because they're just like you."
"Hmmm." Davesprite hummed. He did know what she was talking about. Dirk was his brother, but they might as well have been the same person. They were cut from the same cloth, one mind split into two radically cool dudes. "Do you… think you'll go back to Wooftown when all of this is over?"
Jade sighed and looked up towards the sky. It was nearing night rapidly and the first sprinkle of stars were beginning to shine though the sparse clouds. Davesprite caught himself staring at her profile.
"That's a good question." She mused thoughtfully. "It sort of feels like I belong there, you know? But then again, I don't know if I'm ready to hang up adventuring boots just yet."
"Well if you're going to be running through the hills, slaughtering orc bandits for the rest of your days, you're going to need a wise-cracking sprite companion, amirite?" Davesprite smirked.
"Of course!" Jade bumped him again with her arm. "You're always welcome in my party, Dave. Haha. At least until you settle down yourself, that is."
"Oh yeah." He snorted. "Just as soon as I find the perfect ghost babe and make all sorts of little ghost babies. We'll be like the god-damn Winslow family, except with less feel-good moments and more terribly haunting, awkward family suppers."
"You don't have to be a sprite forever." Replied Jade, a little quieter than before. "You could always… kiss your one true love. Just like Dirk said."
Davesprite turned to look at the brave Weredog. Her emerald eyes shimmered in the evening light and her dark skin looked to be as smooth as velvet. It took all of his meager stores of self-control to resist mauling her with his mouth right then and there.
In the most romantic sense, of course.
"What are the odds of that through?" He asked, equally hushed, as if someone might intrude. "What person could ever love someone like me? I'm rude, loud, obnoxious, I have a ghost butt, I hate soft rock, I'm perverted, disrespectful, short-tempered…"
"Brave, loyal, cool." Jade picked up. "Hilarious, clever, hot, and a million other good things that I can't list because it would take too long." She suddenly found herself very close to his ghostly face. "You'd be a catch for anyone, Dave."
"Anyone?" He questioned, putting a tentative hand on her arm.
She smiled slightly and made no move to remove it.
"Anyone." She affirmed. They were frozen there, two non-people, mere inches and words away from something that could possibly be the best thing that had ever happened to either of them and yet… "Why didn't you kiss me during the play, Dave. It was just pretend."
He swallowed hard, struggling to maintain his cool under the situation. It had been well over a thousand years since he'd been this close to someone so… amazing.
"I was… nervous." He admitted finally.
"Awww. There's no reason to be nervous around me." She blushed slightly and stepped a fraction of an inch closer to him. "I would have been happy to be your first kiss in a thousand years."
"It's not that." He shook his head furiously. "It's- Fuh. Listen, I like you Jade. You're a smoking hot Weredog babe with a tendency to kick total ass. I would kiss the shit out of you right now if… well, what if it doesn't work?"
"What if I'm not your true love?" She simplified. "Dave, you'll never know until you try."
"I dunno if I could handle it if you weren't." He pulled away then, like an idiot. "What's left of my ghost heart might break into a thousand pieces."
"So what?" Jade snapped. "You're just going to live the rest of your life not knowing? Just because you're afraid?"
"I'm not afraid. I'm nervous. There's a big difference."
"No. You're afraid." She jabbed a stiff index finger into his orange chest. "Just like you were afraid to stand up to your brother, just like you're afraid to open up to anyone about how you really feel." Jade held her arms wide, as if to embrace the whole world. "I'm right here, Dave. I've always been right here. You don't have to be afraid around me."
"I'm not afraid of anything." Davesprite replied stubbornly and stupidly and ignorantly. He extended his hand towards Jade. "I think we just need some time, you know? To make sure. Don't tell me you won't be disappointed if we kiss and nothing happens, and I just stay a dumb ol' sprite for the rest of my life."
Jade looked at his proffered hand and then pointedly ignored it. Folding her arms, she turned away.
"Have you ever thought there's nothing wrong with being a dumb ol' sprite, Dave?" She muttered as she stalked away across the deck, leaving him alone at the edge of the boneboat once more.
Sighing to himself, Davesprite rested his elbows on the railing of the ship and looked back out across the river. The boneboat belonging to Chazz and the rest of his classmates was making good time, cutting through the rapids of the Black Rock River to reach the Emerald City Port. They would probably be there within the hour. If Davesprite was going to talk to Jade again then, he was going to have to come up with something to say, and fast.
As one potential couple was dealing with one type of stupid drama, another well-established couple was dealing with another type of stupid drama below deck.
Rose sat on the edge of a small bunk, arms wrapped around her stomach, head swimming from the constant motion of the boat, and eyes shifting back and forth as she watched John pace frantically in front of her. The poor hero of Honey Town was in a right state. He wrung his hands anxiously as he paced, thinking back to the night of passion he and Rose shared together in the Fuchsia Kingdom.
"We- We were so careful though." He said, turning to Rose momentarily. "I wore three condoms!"
"Oh, those things? Yeah, I swiped those off when you weren't paying attention." Rose admitted sadly.
"What?! Why? How did you even do that?!"
"It's rather easy actually. One merely requires sleight of hand. You just clench your…"
"Oh gods!" John threw his hands in the air, interrupting her. "Why would you do that, Rose? Why?"
"Condoms take the pleasure out of sex, you know this. I- I was a little drunk as well." She wrapped her arms a little tighter around her middle, as John groaned and ran a shaky hand through his hair. "Are you… are you mad at me, John?"
Looking at his girlfriend, he saw just how small she looked, with her robes draped over the bed by her side and her shoulders tensed together. She was just as much of a wreck as John was, probably more. She just hid it better. John swallowed hard and answered honestly:
"No, Rose. Of course I'm not mad at you. There's no way you could have known that this would happen." John slumped onto the bunk by her side before his knees gave out. "It's just… Babe, what do we do now?"
"I have a tentative plan laid out in my head." She began slowly. "Once this boat arrives in the Emerald City, the first thing we're going to do is find a warlock healer, knowledgeable with witch anatomy and pregnancy. After that, well, I suppose that I'll bear our child and then face the Dragon Mistress when I'm in top form once more."
John's eyes widened slightly.
"Y- You're still going to fight the Dragon Mistress?"
"Of course, John. I'm not going to let this child slow me down. As soon as I've popped it out, I'm going to have to begin training once more, preparing for my final showdown." Rose shifted on the bed, tucking her legs underneath her and facing John fully. "I've thought long and hard about giving up on this quest, after what happened with the Bee Lord and just the way I've been feeling lately. However, now that I know what the issue is, I can focus on it and overcome it just as I've overcome so much before."
There was the fire in her eyes again. It burned so intensely that John had to resist shielding his eyes from the roaring passion, which would surely eat him alive if he stared too long. He was conflicted, torn now between continuing on their adventure and wanting Rose and their new child to be safe.
Rising quickly from the bunk, he dropped to one knee and dug a swift hand into his pocket.
"I won this at the carnival." He produced the glittering golden ring and offered it to her. "I- I want us to be a family, Rose. Not just because of the child, not just because I want you to be safe, but because I love you more than anything in this fucked up world."
He swallowed hard. Rose's stomach clenched with fear.
"Rose Lalonde." John continued. "Will you marry me?"
"No."
"No?"
"Yes."
"Yes?"
"NO." Rose reached forward and took John by the collar, hauling up from the floor. "John, while I appreciate the sentiment and reciprocate one hundred percent, now is most certainly not the time for this type of crap."
"What do you mean?" John sat down by her side once more, still clutching the ring dumbly. "I- you… we love each other, right? What's the point in waiting? We've already done the do."
"Yes, but think about this for a moment. I've never been in a situation like this before. I begin this quest, with the simple goal of being the best there is, and now I have a boyfriend and a child and now a potential fiancé?" Rose shook her head, but reached for John's hands all the same. She held him tightly. "It's all happening too fast. Neither of us are thinking clearly…"
"But I love you."
"And I you, but…" She sighed. "I need time. Can you do that for me, John? Can you wait?"
John mulled over her words. It made sense, sort of, even to a doof like him. The simple answer to her question though was undoubtedly 'yes'. John Egbert could wait, as long as he was waiting for Rose Lalonde.
"Yeah." Agreed John. The two moved to meet in a kiss. "I can wait."
So anyways, like half an hour later, the boneboat belonging to the traveling crew of Wizard Harvard Community College arrived outside the massive walls of the Emerald City. Disembarking from the vessel, Rose and the others walked from the shore all the way up to the shimmering, impressive gates to the largest city in all of Skaia.
The gates were heavy monsters of solid emerald, toughened to invulnerability with powerful enchantments. Nothing could penetrate these enormous guardians, not even the most powerful 'penetration spell'.
Trust me on this. I'm a master of penetration.
…. I'm talking about sex.
"Greetings, mighty warriors!" Rose spoke to the captain of the guard, a large orc with a horned helm. There were like a billion guards out there, all tasked with making sure that nobody wishing to the do the city harm made it inside. Why do they have this magical door and all these fucking guards? Beats me. Seems a little redundant, right?
Anyways, Rose was all like: "My name is Rose Lalonde and I am the greatest witch ever. My companions and I seek shelter from the elements beyond these glorious doors, as well as medical attention. You see, we're on a quest to defeat the Dragon Mistress of the North."
"Welp. Sorry, miss witch." Said the head guard with a shrug. "The whole city is on lockdown after dragons were seen flying around the summit of the Northern Mountains. No one can come in or out of the Emerald City until we know that it's safe."
"What kind of bullshit reasoning is that?" Demanded Jade. "We obviously aren't dragons. Opening the gates for five seconds to let us in won't compromise the safety of the entire city!"
"Sorry, miss Weredog." The guardsman stood firm. "We have our orders."
"But you don't understand." John nervously looked to Rose, then back to the guard. "We need to speak to a doctor. Rose is, uh… with child."
"Is that so?" The guard inspected Rose for a moment, who did her absolute best to look as pregnant as possible. "Well even if that's true, I'm very sorry to say that I still can't get these gates open, at least not with Dragons in the area. If you need help, I recommend sailing back down the river to Martindale. It's the closest town."
"Ugh. No. We can't sail back the way we came. That's just stupid." Jade gave the guard her most sweet, pitiful look that she could muster. I'm talking serious puppy-dog eyes. "Can you pwwease open the doors, just for a second?"
"Naw."
"Shit!"
Rose sighed and took Jade by the arm.
"Come on. Let's get back to the river. Maybe if we're quick, we can catch Chazz and the rest of the wizards before they leave." She began to tug Jade backwards, leading the way away from the gates. "We will find no help here."
With her attempts thwarted, a disappointed Jade allowed herself to be steered away. She had been looking forward to visiting the Emerald City for a long time, having heard tales of it's splendor from Rose and other travelers all throughout their quest. As the sullen group trooped back towards the boneboat, Davesprite floated near John.
"That was quick thinking back there, John." He said. "Lying about Rose being pregnant was a good idea. It just sucks that it didn't work."
John and Rose exchanged a quick glance.
"Screw them!" Jade snapped suddenly. "If we can't get into the Emerald City, than what's even the point of stopping? We've walked places before. I say we head towards the Dragon Mistress's lair right now and slay her once and for all!"
John and Rose exchanged another, longer glance. There was no getting around it now.
"Listen up, you two." Rose commandeered her party's attention. "John wasn't lying back there. Our night of intimacy back in the Fuchsia Kingdom appears to have bared fruit. I am truly with child."
Jade's eyes widened, Davesprite's jaw dropped, and John felt an uncomfortable squirm in his belly.
"OH MY BABY RINGS!" Squealed Jade, propelling herself at Rose. "Congratulations, congratulations! This is so fucking awesome!" The Weredog knelt and pressed her ear to the other girl's tummy. "Wow! I think I can hear him moving around in there!"
"You most certainly can not!" Rose smacked Jade away. "I'm still in the early stages of pregnancy. This baby is probably nothing more than a collection of magical energy and sex cells."
"Wha- How did this happen?" Davesprite was still struggling to understand. "John, man. How many times have I told you: if you're going to stick it in, you got to wrap it up."
"It was an accident." John dragged a tired hand down his face. "Besides that- that isn't even important anymore. All that matters is that we get checked Rose checked out by a warlock as soon as possible."
"I can't believe this! I'm going to be an aunt!" Jade gushed, as the group continued back to the river. "If it's a little boy, I'll teach him how to hunt and wrestle and if it's a girl…. OH MY GOSH! If it's a girl, she's going to be so friggin gorgeous and we'll go on soooo many adventures together! It will be like another Rose! Except smaller and with the pudgiest little cheeks you ever did see…"
This went on for like two hours, long enough for the gang to return to the boat, for Rose to explain the situation to Chazz, for him to agree to sail them a ways back down river, and for them to actually get there. When the boneboat came to a stop, once more near the town of Martindale, Jade was still talking a mile a minute:
"Imagine him/her getting their first haircut! I would be the one to do it, of course, and- OH OH, John! Can I be the one to keep the hair?! I'll put it in a scrap book or something and you can look at it all you want. You just have to ask!"
"Fucking shit, Harley. For someone who never wants to settle down, you sure are having the baby fever right now. Shit." Davesprite waved goodbye the Chazz and the other wizards of Wizard Harvard Community College before disembarking the boneboat for the last time, a chattering Jade in tow.
Before leaving themselves, Rose and John bid a final farewell to Chazz too.
"Take care of yourself, Limplewickle." Said Rose. "That play of yours, although bizarre, is a classic in the making. I look forward to meeting you again once more down the road."
The two shook hands.
"As do I, fair witch. Take care of yourself," Chazz stooped and patted at Rose's stomach. "And the little guy too, while you're at it. Hehehe."
As Rose and John exited the boat and followed Davesprite and Jade onto the shore, Rose leaned over and spoke into her boyfriend's ear.
"I've only known that I was pregnant for a few days and this whole 'stomach touching' thing is beyond already wearing thin. If anyone attempts to touch me once more, they will not like the results. I promise you that."
John chuckled.
"I'll watch your back." He vowed, then added: "And your front too, I suppose. In fact, throughout the entirety of your motherly ordeal, you can count on me to wait on your hand and foot! You won't have to lift a finger as long as I'm around. Haha."
"I don't wish to be babied." Rose hugged her stomach. That was starting to become a habit. "The fact that I'm having to put my quest on hold for this is enough humiliation already." She continued before John could respond. "There, I think I see Martindale up ahead."
Sure enough, through the foggy mist that hung over the marshy plain appeared a cluster of buildings, surrounded by a protective fence of wooden pikes. Martindale was a small community back then, roughly about the size of the City of Lakewater, if that comparison means anything to you. There was all of your customary buildings, a town hall, a cathedral, a barber's, a hookah bar, a school, and most prevalent: an infirmary.
Rose and her friends entered the town unmolested and went straight to the front door of the resident, warlock healer. Rose knocked three times.
"Doctor Skullsman M.D., D.D.S., B.A.M.F." Davesprite read the plaque fixed next to the door. "I've got a good feeling about this guy."
A second later, the door opened to reveal a stout warlock. He wore a white doctor's coat and rubber gloves and had a long, white beard that trailed all the way down to his pair of stride rite zips sneakers. He looked up at Rose and the gang through tinted glasses and let out a low whistle.
"Wow. Customers!" He grinned. "How wonderful to see you, sonovabitches. Come in this instant!" With a sweep of his arm, he guided our heroes into his office, which was a typical warlock examination chamber. "Take a seat on the bench, all of you. I'll be with you in two skips of a moonstone."
He scurried away into a side-door, leaving Rose, John, Jade, and Davesprite to take an uncomfortable seat on a long, steel bench in the center of the room. Doctor Skullsman returned a second later, bearing a stethoscope and several other frightening, medical tools.
"I just had to take my stethoscope out of the freezer." Explained Skullsman, as he approached John and began to examine him: "Here, let me see. Young male, probably about twenty cycles old. Far from home no doubt! A little peaky, definitely diabetic, slight dust mite allergy and what's this?!" Skullsman wrapped John on the forehead with his knuckle, hard. "A curse! One of utmost evil, just waiting to turn your life sour. Oh yes. How dreadful indeed."
Everyone's mood shifted from confusion to trepidation as Skullsman passed over John's curse. In all the excitement about Rose's impending motherhood, John's dark affliction was all but forgotten. Rose mentally kicked herself for being so single-minded. Her brain appeared to be more muddled than ever now that she was looking out for two.
Skullsman moved onto Jade.
"A Weredog! How fan-diddifully-tastic! In perfect health too! Flawless teeth, zero heart worms, clear nasal passages. Just finished puberty, I see. That's splendid. No one will have to get their brains bashed or fucked out today. Hoho!" Skullsman pulled a lollypop from his pocket and deposited it in Jade's open mouth.
"What's next here? Oh yes! A sprite!" Taking Davesprite by the head, Skullsman leaned in close and peered into the orange sunglasses obscuring the sprite's eyes. "Old, no doubt about it. I'd say well over a thousand years! Loyal to the last breath, sprite's are, particularly orange ones! You've got yourself a sure catch right here! HO!"
Lastly, Skullsman shifted his attention to Rose. He let out a mighty gasp and clutched at his chest, as if struck by a deadly blow.
"My dear." The doctor breathed. "Could it be the greatest witch ever? Your magical reserves are none like I've ever seen. You, young witch, possess great untold power. The likes of which hold the authority to change the course of history itself! Hohoho!" Very slowly, almost hesitantly, Skullsman reached out and prodded at Rose's belly, much to the witch's distaste. "And… with child. My oh my, that child is going to be quite the power house, let me tell you."
"Uh, thank you?" Rose hugged herself once more. "Tell me, Skullsman. I am unfamiliar with matters of pregnancy, specifically amongst witches of my caliber. I came here today to see if you can shed some light on my predicament." She nodded to John. "As well as diagnose my… uh, mate's curse."
Pausing to think for a moment, Skullsman cleaned his glasses on his coat. Then he cleared his throat and began once more:
"Well, young witch. I must say that child-bearing is a difficult process for magical beings such as yourself. The pure amount of unkempt energy expelled by the child is enough to cause you serious sickness." The doctor began to pace. "The child will grow quickly, much quicker than human children. You shall reach full term in a matter of weeks, I'd hazard a guess at two. In three months time, I wouldn't be surprised if you're ready to pop. Hoho!"
"Th- Three months?" Rose stammered. "That's certainly quick."
"Indeed it is. You'll have wild mood swings, uncontrollable urges, and powerful magical expulsions during such time. I suggest you have yourself cleansed of mana at least once a week, so as to prevent yourself be completely ripped apart by mystical energies. HOHOheHOHA!"
"Stop laughing like that, asshat!" Davesprite snapped. "This is serious. Rose is pregnant, John is cursed, and this new fucking baby is probably going to replace me completely- Oh god!"
Davesprite suddenly dropped his head into his hands, much to the surprise of nearly everyone in the room, save for Doctor Skullsman.
"There, there, sprite." Skullsman shoved a lollypop in his mouth as well. "This baby won't replace you. Magical tethers cannot be broken simply because the witch in question has a child! Her attention may be divided more, but you'll always have a special place in her heart."
Shaking his head, Davesprite looked to Rose.
"Is that true?" He asked.
"Of course, Davesprite." Sighed Rose, wrapping a lose arm around her familiar. "You were here first, after all."
"Okay, so we'll just stay here in Martindale for a few months as Rose, um… cooks?" John scratched his head, unfamiliar with pregnancy terms and whatnot. "We'll find an inn or something."
"It appears we have no choice." Agreed Rose. She turned to Skullsman once more. "Now what of John's curse?"
"Hmmmm." Skullsman hummed as he inspected John for the second time. After dabbing at his ears with his tongue, Skullsman flicked him on the nose, brining tears to John's eyes. With a final sigh, the doctor wiped at his forehead with a cloth and began: "Your pal, John here, has been afflicted with an evil hex. It's incredibly powerful and super fucking evil. Whoever did this was a real dick. Anyways, it's an ancient curse, used to afflict men and women to ward them away from committing adultery on their partners." He pointed to both John and Rose in turn. "As long as John shall live, he shall not love another person other than Rose. His heart has been set."
"That doesn't sound like much of a curse." John piped up. "I'm happy loving Rose for the rest of my life."
"The Fish Baron and his comrades meant to kill me." Rose mused, rubbing her chin. "Doing so would have left you in a world without love, John. I'm happy more than ever to be rid of that dreadful, faux evil mage."
"I recommend staying out of harm's way then, my dear." Chuckled Skullsman. "You have to stay alive now, not just for your sake, but for the babie's and little John's as well! I'll set you little rascals up at the local inn. Follow me."
With another sweep his arm Skullsman directed the group from his office and back out into the streets once more.
"How much will this consultation cost us?" Asked Rose, digging in her satchel as she followed Skullsman.
"Free of charge!" Cheered the doctor. "After our town mayor kicked the bucket last year, the town of Martindale has pretty much been running itself! I haven't had clients in many moons. Hoho! So take this one on me."
"Your mayor died?" Jade asked. "That's horrible! How can there be a town with no mayor?"
"It can happen. My old mayor back in Honey Town was pretty shit, hardly a mayor at all. In fact…" John thought back to his days in Honey Town. "We probably would have been better off without a mayor at all."
"We get along okay." Skullsman agreed. He brought our troop to a stop outside of wooden building labeled: Inn. "This is the inn, obviously. The rate is cheap, the food is cheaper, and you'll rest comfortably enough throughout your pregnancy. You know where to find me! HohohoHO!"
And with that, Doctor Skullsman turned on his heel and merrily marched away, back towards his office. At the time, Rose and John didn't know how to feel about Skullsman. He seemed about as loony as everyone else they'd met so far on their quest, although he did appear to know what he was talking about. Besides, what other sources of help did they have all the way out here? It would be up to Skullsman to coach Rose through her pregnancy and eventually deliver the little witch or wizard baby.
"I wish Janesprite was still with us." John commented as they entered the inn. "I bet she'd know some magical healing stuff."
"Healing spells are far from full-on medical treatments, John." Rose responded. "It will take years of vigorous training before she's ready to start working amongst the likes of Doctor Skullsman. It's best for her to remain in the Fuchsia Kingdom, where she can learn the finer details of the warlock practice."
The inn was managed by the innkeeper, no shit right? He was a kindly man, with a plump wife and four sons. The boy's names were Skippy, Blippy, Tippy, and Kyle. And you're never going to hear about any of them ever again.
Rose rented two adjacent rooms and the led the way upstairs to where her party would live for the foreseeable future. The rooms were furnished well enough, sporting a single bed and a few scattered chairs for furniture.
"Girls room!" Cheered Jade, steering Rose into the room on the left. "Sleep tight, boys. Don't let the furbeetles bite!"
John wanted to object. He and Rose were in a relationship and that was his baby sloshing around in her guts, after all. But before he could even open his mouth, Jade had shut and locked the door, leaving John and Davesprite to share the final room.
"Don't you worry, Rose." Said Jade, once she was alone with her friend. The two girls threw their bags on the bed and then began to unpack. "These weeks are going to blow by, no problem. We'll be here for you every step of the way and, before you know it, we'll be back on our quest."
"With a fifth party member in tow." Rose added. She self-consciously touched her smooth stomach once more. In a matter of weeks, she'd be swollen with the beauty of motherhood. "Thanks for the support, Jade. I really hope you're right."
To say that Rose's pregnancy went off without a hitch would make you a complete and total dumbass. Like why would you even say that? You weren't there, asshole. You didn't have to put up with all the nagging, all the morning sickness, all the crying and the shouting and the sharp punches to the arm when you accidentally said something about how Rose looked like she swallowed a whole planet.
The first two weeks were fine enough, sure, as Lalonde swelled up to the approximate size and shape of a sit and bounce. However, when she started visiting Doctor Skullsman's office for weekly drains of magical energy, things got rough.
"Hey there, sexy lady." Said John one evening as he came up behind his girlfriend. Jade and Davesprite were out exploring Martindale for the night and John was hurting for some one-on-one interaction with Rose. "I've been meaning to…"
"I swear to all of the gods, John Egbert." Rose snapped, wheeling to face him. "If you touch me right now, I will beat you with a chair leg until YOU PISS BLOOD!"
Later that same night, when Jade returned to her room it was to find Rose sobbing quietly in the bathroom.
"What's wrong, Rose!" Cried the Weredog with distress. "Are you stuck inside your robes again?!"
"NO!" Shrieked Rose. "It- It's just that… John doesn't think I'm pretty anymore, does he?!"
Mood Swings.
"I want some chocolate cake." Rose demanded one evening, as the team relaxed in the town park. "Davesprite, go get me some cake."
"What? Right now?" Davesprite looked down at the table, where he and John were currently locked in a fierce game of fifty-two card pickup. "Naw. No way. We're playing a game, Rose, and this town doesn't even have a bakery."
"I WANT CHOCOLATE FUCKING CAKE, YOU WORHTLESS FAMILIAR!"
Three hours later, when Davesprite returned from the next town over with a full-sized chocolate cake, it was to find that his quest had been in vain.
"Did I say chocolate cake?" Rose lazily built a house of cards on her large belly. "I meant wizard pizza. Go get me some wizard pizza."
"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuu-"
Sudden Urges.
It all came to a head one night, nearly three months into Rose's pregnancy. The witch herself slept like a fat, pregnant rock in the bed she usually shared with Jade. Recently the frequent kicking of the little JohnRose baby had ousted Jade from her spot and sent her crawling next door to the JohnDave fun house.
At the moment, John, Davesprite, and Jade lay in a row, staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep due to the deep, quaking snores of the snoozing mother next door.
"I don't know how much more of this I can take." Jade breathed. Her eyes were rimmed red and her typically sleek, dark hair that Davesprite totally didn't want to caress passionately had seen much better day. "This baby isn't even here yet and it's ruining our lives."
"Heh. I remember you were excited for this, Jade." John responded. He was equally haggard. More than once he'd awoken in the middle of the night to find Davesprite spooning him. Why the spritely fellow even got into bed with him was a mystery, as sprites don't even need to sleep. But whatever.
"Yeah, well. I'm excited for the fun stuff! You're the daddy, why don't you go over there and hold her hair back when she's puking."
"I do that all the time."
"You didn't do it yesterday."
"She didn't want to see my face yesterday." John sighed. "I- I'm scared, guys."
"Don't be." Davesprite tried to reassure his friend. "Rose still loves you, you know that. Plus she's tough as fucking nails. She'll come out of this better than ever."
"Yeah, no doubt about it. It's just that…. I don't know if I'm going to be a good dad or not."
John's self-conscious words echoed around the dark room for a moment. The issue had weighed on his mind for quite a while, over the past few months, all the way back to when he first heard the truth from Rose herself. He didn't truly feel like he was prepared for the sudden curve ball thrown his way and it scared him to think that he might screw everything up somehow.
"I think you'll be the greatest dad ever, John." Said Jade tiredly. "Sure it won't always be easy, but you aren't alone in this. Just like with Rose, we've got your back all the way."
"Ditto." Agreed Davesprite sagely. "Now yall try to get some sleep, Rose is scheduled for another magical drain tomorrow at Skullsman's and I am not going to be the one to take her."
Groaning softly, John rolled onto his side and tried to get comfortable. The weekly magical drains had been tough, as the process usually consisted of Rose purging all magic from her system by casting incredibly powerful spells. Things got more and more dicey the further into her pregnancy Rose got, until it proved almost dangerous for anyone unlucky enough to accompany her to the doctor's. Jade in particular was still missing half of an eyebrow from Rose's last appointment, when a 'waxing spell' got out of hand.
The crew had just begun to drift off to sleep when:
"JJJJJOOOOOOOHHHHNNNN!"
Faster than a speeding bullet spell, John leapt from his bed, charged out into the hallway, and then into Rose's bedroom. The witch was sat against the headboard, clutching her swollen belly and screaming at the top of her lungs. Tears leaked from the corners of her eyes, magical sparks shot from her fingers, and disgusting puddle stained her bed sheets.
"Aw. Fucking sick!" Gagged John. "What is that?!"
"My water broke, what does it look like?!" Rose reached for John. "I- I got to get to Skullsman."
"No kidding." John rushed forward and took his girlfriend under the arm, helping her out of bed. "Just, uh, try to breath. Remember those classes we took?"
"What do you mean we?! You feel asleep during most of them!" Rose winced. "Gah! I think that was a contraction. Shit. I'm having contractions!"
"I think you should speak up, Rose." Said Davesprite as he lazily floated into the room. "I don't think the people in Wooftown can hear you just yet."
Rose opened her mouth to snap at him, but before she could get the chance, John was already barking orders:
"Davesprite! You have to get to Skullsman and let him know that we're coming."
"Aye aye, papa John!" Saluted the sprite, before he floated out of the window and disappeared.
"Jade, where are you?!" John shouted.
"Right here!" The Weredog bounced in, quickly shimmying into her pants. John just then noticed his own state of undress, but there was little that could be done about it now. Jade ran right up to Rose and sized her under the legs. "Let me see her."
Rose let out another shriek as she was hoisted up into Jade's arms. The Weredog wasted no time in carrying the struggling witch out of the room and down the hall, with John quick on her heels. They sprinted through the streets, as Rose continued to shout and scream with each magical contraction that wrecked her body, and eventually reached Doctor Skullsman's office to find the good doctor awake, dressed in a long night gown, and ready to deliver the Lalonde-Egbert baby.
"Your little sprite familiar woke me up." Explained Skullsman as he shepherded John, Jade, and Rose inside. "Take her into the back room and then come wait out here. It shouldn't take long."
Jade did as she was told, depositing Rose on a hospital bed in the operating room before joining John and Davesprite outside. Skullsman swept inside the room, leaving the three worried adventures alone as he quickly got to work… or at least tried to. He reappeared a second later to grab John by the sleeve of his nightshirt.
"Not you, idiot." Snapped the doctor. "You come in here."
John cast his friends a last nervous glance before he was tugged into the operating room. Rose lay on her back on the bed, her face screwed up in pain, her fists gripping the fabric of her night gown in a death grip. The witch had never looked so distraught and it was truly freaking John the fuck out.
"I'd comfort your girl, if I were you." Said Skullsman as he moved in between Rose's legs and flipped up her nightclothes to get at her gooey bits. He could clearly see that now was the time for the little magic baby to enter the world. It was time to make this happen. "Alright, miss witch. You're going to have to push when I tell you to. In the meantime, remember to breathe."
Whether or not Rose actually heard the doctor's instructions is unknown to this day, because as John drew near his love interest, she suddenly lunged out, seized him by his bottom lip, and then did her best pull it up over his head and rip it off.
"You filthy son of a bitch." She spat. "You fucking asshole."
"I- I'm sorry." John spluttered, hastily taking her hand in both of his and peeling it from his face. "Just breathe, Rose. You can do this."
"John… I'm so fucking scared." More tears leaked from her eyes. "Don't you go anywhere, okay? Stay right here for god's sake."
"I'm here."
"I'd push if I were you, miss Lalonde." Said the Doctor.
And Rose did.
Just over an hour later, John stepped out of the operating room to find Davesprite and Jade waiting eagerly outside. Both of his friend's looked as frazzled as he felt, yet they still rushed to him immediately.
"John!" Gasped Jade. "Is it over? How is she? How's the baby? What happened to your face?!"
John winced as Jade lightly poked at the flesh of his cheek, where Rose's nails had left a few deep gouges. Despite the pain, the hero of Honey Town smiled widely.
"She got a little angry for a while there." Explained John sheepishly. "And scratchy, and shouty, and punchy, and… yeah. I think you guys should come back now."
"Really?" Davesprite wrung his hands, completely uncool for the time being. "Is it safe?"
"Just come on." Taking each of his friend's by the hand, John guided them through the operating room doors.
Rose was still lying in the bed, covered in sweat, still leaking tears, but now with a tiny bundle of blankets in her thin arms. The new mother looked up as John and the other's reentered and her face split into a small smile. John walked right up to his girlfriend's side and took her free hand. Jade and Davesprite were a little more hesitant though, creeping up and peering curiously at the bundle in Rose's arms.
"Fuck." Breathed Davesprite. "She's so small."
And she was.
It was a gorgeous baby girl, with rosy cheeks, bright violet eyes, and the tiniest tuft of raven hair atop her little pink head. She snoozed soundly in Rose's arms as our heroes crowded around her. For a moment, no one really knew what to say. They were all struck dumb by the brilliant production of new life.
Shit was intense.
With shinning eyes, Rose craned her neck to look up at John. He looked back, grinning like an idiot.
"Ask me again." Demanded the witch.
"Are you sure?" John knew what she meant. "You said 'no' last time."
"Well I've changed my mind." Sleepily, almost dream-like, Rose slipped her hand from John's and raised it to his eye level.
Reaching into the pocket of his briefs, because yes he slept with a wedding ring in his pants, John produced the golden ring he won at the carnival and slipped it onto her finger.
"Will you marry me, Rose Lalonde?"
"Of course."
And then they met in a long kiss, one that cemented them firmly as matrimony bound, together always, then and forever, as a family.
"Awwwww." Rosie pretended to dab at her eyes as if she were crying. "That's so sweet! Although I can't help but wonder how Rose is going to defeat the Dragon Mistress now that she's toting around some dumb baby."
"Whoa there, hun. That baby was not dumb. She rocked ultimate." Dave rose from his chair quickly. "And as for whether or not Rose is still going to kick the Dragon Mistress's ass, you've just got to wait and see."
"Hmmmm." Rosie stroked her chin and yawned widely. She was tired after a long day of lessons with her new tutors, Roxy the Werecat and her own father, as they had truly been running her through her magical paces. The young girl's mind was bursting at the seams with all sorts of new information, the likes of which she would have never learned in school. However, no matter how heavy her eyes got, she was anxious to hear more of her father's story, as well as pester him for more delicious tidbits: "I never knew that Uncle John had a daughter."
"Well he did. Now go to sleep."
"No. No, wait." Rosie resisted her father's attempts to tuck her in. "Tell me a little bit more. Just a tincy-bit! I'm not tired yet."
"Yeah, well. I'm pretty damn tired." Dave moved to the door and paused just beyond the threshold. "I- uh… you know how this is our secret, right? Like you don't talk to your mom about this story, right?"
"Of course!" The young girl flopped back onto her pillows. "She would be made if she knew you were telling me this story."
"Yeah… I'm just making sure you remember." Casting a final look at his daughter and a smile, Dave blew out the light and went to bed. "Good night, Rosie."
Thanks for reading.
- Mike