Repost: Please R&R, and thank you so much NicffWhisperer for letting me know. My internet went down right after posting this one, so I wasn't able to check it.

SM Owns everything.

Chapter 17: Too much to take, Too much to give up
EPOV

I watched her just fucking walk away, and I couldn't even bring myself to follow after her. She was right. I shouldn't be there just out of guilt. Is that really why I was there? I wished I could help her, but I couldn't. I wasn't enough. I didn't know if I was strong enough to just watch anymore.

I already knew I was a fucking horrible person, so eventually this would just be another fucking horrible thing I did, walking away. At this point though, there was nothing I could do. I couldn't handle anymore. Even Carlisle couldn't do anything without risking the family. My hands were tied, and without being able to do anything, I couldn't watch.

I got into my car, and sped towards my house, flashbacks of my old life going through my mind. My mother, Elizabeth, and her husband Edward Senior. I bore Edward's name, but not his blood, for she had had an affair on Carlisle. He found out, and divorced her, unfortunately not before finding out she was pregnant with his kid. So my mother had immediately married Edward Masen, and when I was born, I was named after him, and raised like I was his. What a fucking joke. I will never be his.

I shook my head, and got out of my car after I pulled up in front of my house. I went upstairs, ignoring everyone on my way.

"Edward, where's Bella? I thought she was coming over today?" Alice asked, grabbing my arm to halt my progression towards my room.

"Not here. " I said, hopefully leaving no room for discussion.

"Edward, is everything okay? I know something is going on with her, and I don't know what, and I know you are effected by whatever it is too. "

"Drop it pixie. I don't want to talk about it." I said, just barely containing the hostility in my voice.

"Well, I do. She is my friend too, and I'm worried. She's always hurt, and she's losing too much weight. Someone is hurting her, aren't they?" she said, staring directly at me.

Suddenly, I was terrified Alice would get caught up in this and end up hurt. "Stay the fuck away from Bella. She isn't good for you."

Alice glares, and steps up to me. "That's it, isn't it? She's getting hurt, and you couldn't help her, so you are counting your losses already, right?" She said, sounding disturbingly frightening for a girl her size.

"It's none of your fucking business." I said, trying to walk away, but she stands in my path.

"Of course it's my business. She is my friend. Is that what happened? Did you just bail? I am not stupid, I know something major is going on, and I know that right now, the last thing she needs is people bailing. I may not know the details, but anyone can see it, she is barely holding on!" Alice said, her eyes serious.

"It's more complicated than you fucking know. Stay the fuck away from her. If I couldn't do anything, then you can't either, and I won't have you getting involved." I said clearly, closing the discussion and walking to my room, slamming the door behind me.

I leaned against the door, closing my eyes in defeat as I heard Alice stomp away. Way to make me feel even shittier.

I walked over to my bed, and saw a song I had been working on the night before when I was trying to deal. I glared at the notes on the page, every quarter note and half note a thought of Bella at the time. Every measure was a hope for things to turn out okay. They weren't going to. It was an impossible situation.

The next few weeks were unbearable. Alice hadn't spoken to me, except to tell me how much of an ass I was. Like I didn't know.

Bella and I just acted like we didn't know each other. I did my best to not take inventory of the new injuries, or to think about the dead look in her eyes. Eventually, I changed seats in Biology, ending up sitting next to Tanya Denali. Anything was better than sitting next to the source of my current guilt.

She didn't try to sit with us, or hang out with us anymore. I occasionally would see her sitting at the park curled up in a ball. Carlisle had asked a few times, but he understood when I said I couldn't do it anymore. He said he was still looking for a solution, but that it was proving more difficult. Esme though, was taking it hard. I think she understood my reasons, and was glad I was safe, but she wasn't the same. She was obviously worried.

I had almost used again, but something held me back. I had bought a bag from Marcus of coke, but I ended up flushing it as soon as I was about to take it. I wanted the release, but I realized I couldn't do it. I may have left, but I still made a promise.

I didn't know which was worse. Being there and not being able to do anything, or staying away, having given up on the situation, on her.

I did everything I could to distract myself from her, but it never worked. There was always a part of my mind driving me crazy, wondering if she was okay, is she was still alive. The only salvation would come when I saw her walk to her bio table every day. It was also somehow worse seeing that. It seemed like the Bella I had met a couple months ago was gone. She never spoke to anyone. She didn't make eye contact to anyone. Alice had tried to approach her a few times, but Bella had walked away without as so much a word to her.

"What are you so deep in thought about?" Jasper said, breaking my train of thought.

I just shrugged noncommittally.

"Bella again, huh? " He asks, and I just shrug again, taking a puff off the joint.

Jacob grins a little. "You have it bad, man. I mean, I would have liked to fuck her too, but chick has issues. I saw her recently, and she is fucking tiny man. It's like she doesn't eat. Too much drama for me."

I had to stop myself from clocking him. "Shut up, dog. It's none of your fucking business. Stay the fuck away from her."

Marcus just raises his eyebrows a bit. "I tend to think that it was something a little more serious than drama." He said, giving me a look. Jasper, crossed his arms, not saying anything.

"Can we not fucking talk about this?" I ask, getting irritated.

Jake grinned. "You two were fucking though, right? How was it?" he grins.

A moment later, I was on my feet, with Jacob beneath me, my fist connecting with his jaw.

"What the fuck dude?!" Jake yelled, as Jasper and Marcus pulled me off him.

"Let me go, the fucking dog has been itching to get kicked."

"Edward, let it fucking go." Jasper said calmly. "Jacob is a dumbass."

I spat at Jacob the moment Jasper let go of me, and started walking away, Jasper following right behind.

"I think you need to talk to her. You obviously still care about her." Jasper said after we had been walking a few minutes.

"Jazz, it isn't that fucking simple."

"You think I don't know? I don't have the details, but I think I know the gist of what's going on. I think if you keep staying away, you are going to regret it, because honestly dude? I don't think she is going to make it on her own. Have you seen her lately? If you care about her, then it's going to wreck you when she ends up dead, and you had given up on her."

"I can't do anything." I said in defeat.

"You can be there. That's more than anyone else. If she ends up dead and you at least tried, wouldn't it have been better than knowing you just gave up on her?"

"Fuck you Jazz. I doubt she will even fucking talk to me again."

"I don't know either. I think it may be hard to get the trust back from someone who has been going through the shit she has been."

I sighed, raking my hands through my hair. "I'll fucking think about it, alright?"

"I doubt you have been doing much else." Jasper says in his fucking all knowing voice. Dick.

BPOV

It's been almost a month. I stopped fighting one month ago. When I had gotten home, Charlie had greeted me his normal way, then informed me that he was fairly certain that I had told the Cullens. "Why else would they want a nasty slut like you in their house, but out of pity?" The only reason he hadn't acted on it, was because he knew they hadn't told anyone, so he wasn't sure if they did actually know anything.

He had decided instead, that he would use it as ammo against me. I had to behave. I had to follow his rules, and lay there and take it, or else he would kill them all, like he had Riley.

Fear had me going home right after school every day to make his fucking dinner, clean up after him, then let James, and the myriad of other men who paid take their turns with me. There was nothing worth fighting for anyway. And now if I fought, I risked the only people who ever gave a damned. Even if Edward walked away, I knew it wasn't because he was a asshole. It was because it was too much. It was better this way for him. I was protecting him, and Alice, and Esme, and the rest of the Cullens by complacent, and just taking it.

Every day it got harder to take though. Every day my longing for it to just end got stronger. I could barely eat anymore. I had long gotten over that flu from before, but now I could barely force myself to eat. I was so repulsed by the idea, the smell of food nauseated me. I forced myself to eat a few bites every day, sometimes I managed to get down more, but not usually. Even if I could fight back now, I didn't have the energy.

What was the point? A year and a half was longer than I had. I knew that. I was sure at this point that I wouldn't make it. I could say I was strong all I want, but I wasn't.

I had found my numb state again. I locked everything away. I hadn't felt a single emotion in weeks. I knew the moment I let thing through, I would crack. Too many nights were repressed in my head, shoved and concealed with only a thin blanket of song lyrics.

I stood up slowly, and walked out of my room. It was past midnight, and Charlie's clients had just left. I took a long hot shower to get rid of the aches and pain, avoiding looking at the angry scars of my legs. My body was entirely covered in bruises. Most of my ribs were cracked, if not broken, and I had cuts all over from Charlie and his more crazy clients.

When I got out of the shower, I took several aspirin, trying to dull the pain that radiated with every movement. I then made my way gingerly out of the house, and towards the park. It was a cold night, probably single digits, and pouring rain. But this was my new ritual. Since I refused to sleep more than 20 minute increments in study hall and lunch time, I did not sleep at night. Since I had to be home after school every day, I instead escaped at night when I wasn't putting anyone else at risk. I couldn't stand being in that house.

I made it to the park, and sat down at my normal place on the park bench, curling up as tightly as my ribs would allow.

I hadn't even allowed myself to look at, or even think about Edward. That was the worst part. I was taking everything like a fucking dog to protect him, but I couldn't even talk to him anymore. I had no one left. I don't even know why I tried to survive at all anymore. Maybe because I was stubborn? That had to be it. Or maybe it was because part of me knew he would blame himself for doing the smart thing and staying away, and I wasn't quite that selfish.

I closed my eyes, exhaustion overtaking my frame as shivers wracked through me.

A moment later, I felt something drop onto my shoulders. I opened my eyes to see a jacket draped over my frame. I looked up, half expecting to see Edward. Disappointment crushed when I saw it was Jasper, but I quickly pushed it back.

"You know, it's a little cold out to be without a jacket." He said, quirking a small smile.

I just shrugged a little, looking down at the ground. "I like it cold." I said quietly.

"You know, he's an ass, but he will come around eventually." He said, sitting down a few feet away from me, knowing I couldn't handle being touched.

"It's best if he doesn't." I said, my voice sounding weak to my ears.

"Best for who?"

"For him. I am poisonous." I said. "It would do you well to know that too."

"Eh, I have a tolerance to poison. Besides, I don't think your poisonous. I think you are going through some deep shit, and could use a friend. I don't know the details, but I'm not stupid. I have a fairly general idea on what is going on. You aren't alone. Edward probably got scared off because its hitting a little close to home. Not my story to tell, but just so you know, he probably DOES know what you are going through, at least a little more than anyone else."

I continued staring at the ground. "I don't see how that is valid now. He's done with me." I said.

"We'll see. I am pretty sure the fucker will come to his senses soon enough." Jasper said, nodding his head a little.

"It would be stupid for him to come back."

"I think it would be stupider for him not to. Anyone can see that you guys are good for eachother."

"I am not good for anyone."

"Yes, you are. Do you know the guy is still clean? I know that's your doing."

I smiled a little despite myself. "That's good. Bet the fucker is tired though." I whispered more to myself.

Jasper laughs a little, having heard me. "Yeah, and cranky as all hell. Though that isn't the point. He hasn't gone back. You probably saved his life, getting him away from that shit."

"Don't you do that shit?" I inquired.

"Nah. Not really. I would occasionally party, but even now, I really just smoke pot. He was a whole other level. He was addicted."

I nod tiredly, and curl up tighter, wincing from the pain it caused.

"Want to come chill at my place? Or rather… not chill, we are doing that just fine out here."

A small smile formed on my lips, a rare form. "That was bad." I said.

"Yeah. So, are you coming? Or are you going to be a popsicle in the morning?"

"Sure, whatever." I said.

"Your enthusiasm is startling." He says as he stands up, and I roll my eyes at him.

I slowly uncurl, and slowly stand, my limbs frozen. A not so uncommon wave of vertigo hits me, and I land right back on the bench. Jasper reaches to catch me, but stops, realizing he cant.

"Shit Swan. When was the last time you ate?" he said, staring at me.

I tried to recall. I had a couple bites of a sandwich earlier today, but I ended up throwing it up. Same thing happened pretty much all week.

"You shouldn't have to think that hard about it. Come on. Can you make it to my car?"

I nod, and slowly get up again, keeping my hand on the armrest while I gain my Barings. I slowly make my way to his car, with him cautiously following behind me.

We get into his car, and he is visibly shivering. I realize then that he must have been freezing after giving me his jacket. Hell, I was frozen with his jacket.

"I'm sorry." I said.

"For what?" he asked, cocking his head at me.

"Your cold because I have your jacket."

He just shrugs. "You didn't ask, I gave it to you, so you have nothin' to be sorry about." He says before he turns on the car and blasts the heat.

I had zoned out, and didn't even notice when we got back to his place. I was immediately alert however, when I saw a familiar silver Volvo parked in the lot.

"What the fuck Jazz?" I asked, barely able to contain my shock and irritation. I was too tired to really be angry.

He shrugs his shoulders innocently. "I went out to get some weed and saw you there. This shit has been going on long enough, so I figured it would be a good idea to interfere." He grins cheekily.

"Fuck you Jasper." I said, shooting him daggers. "Does Edward even know that I'm about to likely be in the same room as him? I bet he won't be too thrilled."

"Nope, he doesn't, and he probably won't be thrilled, but I don't think he will be as upset as you think." He says in all seriousness.

"It's your head." I said, shaking my head. Now I wasn't even sure if I wanted to get out of the car.

"You coming?" He said as he gets out of his car.

I debate for a moment, before slowly getting out of the car. The cold air stabs into me the moment I step out, and I follow him inside. I didn't even realize how cold I really was until we were inside of his warm house. Shivers wracked my body so much I could barely stand.

"Shit, you okay?" he whispers.

I nod, leaning against his wall for a moment to keep standing. Once the worst of it was over, I followed him into the den, where Edward was sitting, writing in his notebook. His back was to us, and he hadn't looked up, though he looked tired as all hell. There were circles around his eyes, and he was pale.

"Took you long enough asshole. Did you stop for a mani-pedi on the way?" Edward asked, his velvet voice irritated.

"Nah. Way better. Picked up a lady." He said.

At that, Edward looked up, and suddenly a range of emotion flickered across his face. He glanced between Jasper and I, then glared at Jasper, before taking another look at me. I couldn't decipher the look he was giving us. He was clearly pissed, but there was something else.

We all stood there awkwardly for a few minutes, no one saying a word.

"So, Hey ya'll, I am going to go upstairs an take a shower, while you guys talk."

"Fuck you Jasper." Edward said in a growl, as Jasper left.

I couldn't stop the hurt that I felt at Edwards reaction.

"I'll leave. I didn't know, I'm sorry." I said, feeling the emotion I had been keeping back starting to swell. I did my best to keep it at bay.

"No, you don't have to fucking leave. I have a car, and its fucking freezing out. Stay here."

You don't have to leave. He's your friend. He was just doing what he thought was right. He was clearly wrong. I—" I say, words escape as I start backing out of the room. If I ever got to talk to Edward again, this wasn't how I wanted it to go.

He must have realized the effect his words were having, because he stood up slowly, and started approaching me as I stopped backing out, standing suddenly frozen to the spot.

"Bella, calm down. I won't leave if you don't want me to." He said quietly. It wasn't until then that I realized I was crying. Stupid traitorous tears pouring down my cheeks, and that my breathe was coming out in gasps.

"I didn't mean to." I said quietly, not really sure what I was saying it about, this, or pushing him away, or letting him walk away, however it happened.

He cautiously comes a little closer, so there is only a couple feet between us.

"Didn't mean to what? Be duped into an incredibly uncomfortable ambush?" he said, clearly not thrilled with the situation, but not running away.

I nodded slowly, words failing me.

"Geeze, Bella, do you have a death wish? It's 8 degrees outside, and you are drenched. You shouldn't have been outside." He said quietly.

I just stand there watching him as he looks me up and down, not saying a word, not wanting to break the bubble. I was freezing, he was right about that. But I was suddenly afraid that if I said anything, that he would bolt, or that he would go back to hating me.

"Bella? I am going to grab some clothes from Jaspers room for you to put on. Asshole won't mind. You should sit down." He said, his voice taking on a gentleness I hadn't heard in so long.

I mechanically nodded, and went to the couch, curling up in a ball, trying to wade through the emotional tidal wave assaulting me, without getting pulled under.

EPOV

I didn't know what to think. I didn't expect Jasper to pull this shit. I wasn't ready. I knew I was no longer planning on staying away forever, but fucking hell! I wasn't ready!

But now here she was, sitting there on the couch, looking so lost. She wasn't mad like she would have been in the past. She didn't look like she knew how to process this either.

She had gotten so much thinner though, and her hair was duller. Her eyes showed the sleepless nights, and the pain she had been through. They showed something I had never truly seen on her before. Defeat.

I tore my eyes away from her, and made my way up to Jasper's room, where he was sitting there like the asshole he was.

"Already running away dude? Seriously?" he asked

"Shut it asshole. I will deal with you later. Not cool to spring this. But she needs some fucking dry clothes, she is going to freeze to death."

"Right. Well, I will be up here. You guys have shit to work out."

"Fuck you Jazz." I spat before I angrily grabbed some sweats from his drawers and brought them downstairs. I put my emotions in check, not wanting to fucking scare her off. I knew this wasn't her fault.

"Here." I said offering her the clothes. She looked at them, and took them hesitantly, standing slowly before heading to the bathroom.

She came back a few minutes later, bundled up in the sweats I had brought her. The clothes hung off her frail frame.

She stood there awkwardly for a moment before I sat down on the couch, and she slowly took her place again on the other side, curling in a ball.

"Are you o—"

"Don't ask a question you don't want the answer to." She cut me off, shooting me a severe look. I forced back the frustration, and ran a hand through my hair.

"Maybe I actually want to know. Humor me." I said, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Yes, I am fine. I am still walking, breathing. I am still alive."

"That's not what I meant." I said, getting more frustrated.

"Then what did you mean? Did I magically stop being a charity case? No. Life still sucks. Matter of fact, it sucks a whole lot more." She said, as tears formed in her eyes, but not falling.

"Shit. You know what? Forget it." I said, getting irritated as I stood up, ready to fucking bail. I didn't need the antagonism.

"Please. Edward, I'm sorry." I heard as I made it to the door. I stopped and turned around to see Bella behind me, her arms holding herself together.

"Fuck. I don't know what the fuck I am supposed to fucking say." I said honestly, keeping my distance.

"I'm sorry." She said, looking down at the floor, her shoulders slumped, her confidence that I liked about her seemed to be all but gone.

"Stop apologizing. I don't fucking deal well with surprises, okay? I don't know what to do. " I said, watching her.

She never lifted her head except for a minute nod.

"What the hell did he do to you..? You should be pissed at me, really pissed at me. I bailed."

"I don't blame you. I would have to, if I could have. It's best that you did. Charlie somehow knew…. He knew that you guys knew." She said quietly.

"What? What do you mean?" I said, walking closer to her. She backed up a few paces, holding herself tighter.

"He knew. That day, he told me he knew. I don't know how. I can't disobey him anymore, or he will go after you guys. So its best that you stay away."

I thought over her words for a few minutes, ice forming in my gut. He knew, and he had already threatened my family. And he had been using it to control her.

"Bella—"

"No, he won't go after you guys, not as long as I do what he wants." She said, her voice breaking. "That's why he hasn't come after you guys yet."

I was torn. Part of me wanted to hate her for putting my family in danger, but the bigger part of me was horrified that my family had been used to break her.

"I think its best, that we just act like this never happened." She said quietly, still not looking at me.

"What if I don't want to?" I asked, not sure what I wanted. I needed time to process this.

"I think… I don't know.. I don't know." She said. I stepped closer, and realized she was crying again, her form screamed defeat. In that moment, my mind was made up. I couldn't stand fucking seeing her like that.

"I've had time to think about this situation. I am not going anywhere this time. I could never forgive myself if I just gave up on you. You're worth more than that."

"No, I'm-"

I placed my finger on her lips to silence her. She finally looked up, looking a little shocked. "Yes, you are. Come on." I said as I slowly wrapped an arm around her shoulder. She shrank away a little bit, but it didn't cause a panic attack. Apparently she still trusted me, even if only in her subconscious.

I guided her to the sofa again, and sat down next to her, keeping my arm around her.

"What now then? It won't be like before. I have to go home every day after school."

"Let's not worry about that right now." I said quietly. "For now, let's just.. be."

She looks at me quizzically, and I pull a book out of my backpack. Wuthering Heights. I had been keeping it in my backpack all month.

A small smile graces her lips, and she nods, opening the book, and curling up in a ball, leaning her head against my chest. I sighed quietly, and pulled out my notebook, and started writing again.

Please R&R!
Also, already working on a new chapter so that hopefully I can redeem myself for not posting in a year. Bad circumstances.