Chapter 6

Rollins emailed her resignation to her department without hesitation knowing that she couldn't return not with him there and instantly felt a weight lift from her shoulders.

It wasn't long before her phone started ringing first her sergeant demanding to know what was going on, "I'm sorry serge but I've made up my mind, I have personal issues that I don't want to go into." "You know you could come and talk to me about anything don't be hasty Rollins just take some time to think about things". She remember the Chief remembering similar words, "No, there's nothing to talk about" she replied "say goodbye to the gang for me serge, this is just something I need to do.

After a little more time trying to convince Rollins to change her mind and deciding it was futile the call was ended with "well good luck Rollins I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for, you can count on me for a good reference whatever it is." As soon as she hung up Viv's name flashed up on her screen.

"Hi Viv". "What the hell is going on Amanda, I've just been told you've handed in your papers," Viv sounded hurt and confused. "I was gonna call you" she replied I just feel I need a change" Rollins consoled her friend trying to keep her voice light. "There's something going on that you're not telling me about, and it all stems from that day you passed out," her friend continued. "There's nothing going on" Rollins lied "you know me I can't stick at one thing for too long without wanting to move on." After trying to convince her friend that all was ok and agreeing to meet for dinner that evening she hung up the phone. Viv was going to be the one she would miss the most she thought to herself sadly she wasn't looking forward to this dinner and the thought of lying to Viv's face, but she knew there was not going back whatever her best friend said.

Monday morning arrived and Rollins jumped in the taxi to take her to the airport for her flight to New York, feeling sick with nerves she checked in and went to the bar to order a vodka, 'just to calm myself down' she thought to herself. Dinner with Viv was hard, she wasn't one to give in easy and it took most of the evening to convince her that nothing was wrong and it was just another one of Rollins whims. The two friends hugged and tears were shared along with a promise to keep in touch, Rollins was going to miss her with a passion.

New York was busy and loud as she made her way by cab the hotel she had booked, she liked the hustle of the city she felt she could lose herself in crowd, absorb herself in the heart of the place and everything that happened in Atlanta would become a distant memory.

Dressed in what she deemed to be I'm the best for this job' outfit, her stomach was in knots as she waited to be called in for her interview.

"Amanda Rollins" a middle aged woman called out, Rollins got to her feet, "they will see you now" she said opening a door and gesturing for her to go inside. Taking in the three men sitting behind a desk Rollins hands trembled as she closed the door.

When Rollins left the building it was raining and she quickly headed for the nearest bar. She felt like she had been bulldozed by a hundred buses, asked question after question about how she felt she could benefit the department, what she would do in these circumstance what she would do in those circumstance etc etc, with each of the interviewers scrutinizing her unblinkingly while she gave her answers.

There was one man on the panel who had gentle eyes and gave her time to collect her thoughts before answering his questions, his name was Cragen or something like that, he seemed to be happy with her answers, she wasn't so sure about the other two.

She ordered a drink at the bar which she felt she well deserved after being grilled for over an hour, before she knew it 3 hours had passed and there were 6 empty glasses in front of her. Making her way unsteadily outside she hailed a taxi back to her hotel, where she promptly emptied the contents of her stomach in the bathroom and passed out on the sofa.

She awoke to the sound of her mobile phone ringing, fumbling around she found the annoying object behind a cushion. "Rollins" she mumbled down the phone. "Running away are we Amanda," said the voice at the other end of the line. All at once her body started to shake and her mouth went dry. "W-what do you want," she managed to utter once her tongue had come unstuck from the roof of her mouth, "why are you ringing me? Just leave me alone" she begged.

"Oh don't flatter yourself honey", came the Chief's reply "I don't want you, you wasn't that good anyway," he growled with a low mocking laugh. "Just ringing to wish you well in your future and to remind that I'm only a flight away, so if you're planning on saying anything stupid, don't, I will crush you like an ant underfoot." "I'm not planning on saying anything, do you think I want anyone to know that you forced yourself inside me, I feel sick every time I think about it, you keep your distance from me, don't contact me, and it will remain a sick dream deal?" she asked. Another low laugh escaped his lips as he replied "deal, and oh Rollins don't think on going back on our arrangement" and the line went dead.

She grasped the covers tightly round her hoping they would protect her from the fear and revulsion of the man she use to think of as a father.

Now after to her amazement getting the job at SVU he was back and so were her nightmares. He had done to another what he had done to her and she didn't think she could cope with the turmoil of emotions she was experiencing, she was facing the fight or flight predicament and didn't know which one she was going to go with.