No One Else

by Ione-Sama

Aoshi Returns after two years, on Misao's eighteenth birthday but he is surprised to find Misao much changed since last seeing her and her reaction to his return is far from what he ever expected. This is just meant to be a three-shot but I may continue it in the future if I have good reviews!

8. Hope & Painful Regret

And it happened.

Exactly as they both knew it would.

The morning that followed, Misao cried bitter shameful tears.

She was weak.

Too fragile.

Naive.

A complete idiot.

...at least, that was her personal evaluation of herself.

And she could barely stand to look at herself, let alone face the others, so she feined illness and kept to her room, refusing to see anyone-not even Omasu who had been like a mother to her, could coax the young woman out to get a bite to eat or take a hot bath in the evening.

They were all worried sick about her; no one had the faintest idea what had caused her to be so depressed and reclusive and no one had any idea how to bring her out of it.

As for Aoshi...

The young Okashira had locked himself away in the temple...where he'd spent every waking moment in intense meditation and prayer...well, attempting. Okina had gone up to the temple once in the early eveing in an attempt to bring Aoshi some tea, but the moment the silent, stern young man laid his icy gaze on the tea tray, a pair of innocent wide spray-green eyes flashed across his mind.

Suddenly overcome with rage, he picked up the tray and through it across the room, an angry scream ripping from his throat as it crashed against the wall.

Okina's eyes widened and he looked astonished to Aoshi who had now slumped to his knees and hung his head.

"Forgive me, Aoshi-sama but...you seem terribly troubled and...deeply disturbed."

Aoshi gritted his teeth.

Grimacing and grunting angrily he leaned forward, forcibly pressing the full weight of his upper body onto his hands which where curled into fists, the knuckles bleeding as the tatami floors began to splinter under the weight.

"It is-none of your concern-Okina. It is merely obtaining complete concentration to facilitate meditation, that escapes me. nothing more."

Okina was silent for a moment, observing this young man that had been like a son to him in many ways-and yet, had also been the man he had been-at one point-certain to be the one who would take his life. There were many things about Aoshi that made him nearly unreachable by most but to those who had been nearest him-to those who had gloried in his success as a man and who had also suffered at his hands as a warrior, Aoshi Shinomori was reachable and even endeared because they had seen and accepted the darkness of him as well as his goodness.

In this very moment, Okina witnessed that very same darkness edging closer to Aoshi, threatening to take hold of him and torture his soul as it had so often done through most of his life and the old man's heart did the only thing that any father's heart would do...

It broke.

"Aoshi-my son."

Aoshi's dark eyes flashed to Okina's gentle gaze.

"The reason-for your troubled mind-is not the fruits of unanswered prayers or unatainable meditation-" The gentle old man moved to stand before his young lord who at this moment, appeared like an abandoned, broken child on his knees begging for an ending to his sorrows. Okina bent down and for the first time since Aoshi had nearly taken his life almost three years before, Okina placed a trembling hand on the young man's head and pressed his other to where Aoshi's heart ached unfathomably. "But it is the struggle of your heart my boy-this is what has brought you pain and the mind cannot be at peace when the heart is at war. And your heart is at war, my son-with itself, with your mind and with your soul."

Aoshi looked at Okina, feeling shame and guilt that this man still saw him as a son when he had literally felt Okina's blood run down his hands and seen it stain the edge of his sword. Even Okina-like Misao-seemed took his heart and his soul, accepting the darkness and filth yet disregarding it in favor of something greater that they both claimed to see deeper within; something that they strongly believed made Aoshi a man to be loved, respected and redeemed in spite of it all.

It baffled him.

It left him speechless.

And shook him to the core.

"And I may be old and senial-Omasu and Okon claim that I'm 'a nuisance, dirty perverted grandparent that's not fit to raise Misao'-well I'll admit to the dirty part."

Aoshi nearly choked back a laugh as Okina chuckled-then wheezed-good-naturedly.

"But I-I believe I know my children well. All of them. I've raised you. I've watched you-and I in turn raised Misao and watched her when you could no longer do so, and I know this is not what you want to hear but I am compelled, Aoshi and I beg you to listen to me. You and Misao-have a long history-together."

Aoshi grimaced. Okina was right, this is not what he wanted to hear but he pressed his lips together in a thin hard line and listened to Okina-his respect for the old man would never waver.

"You found Misao when she was nothing and she had no one. She was barely eight years old and you were barely a man but you took it upon yourself to take her under your wing. you took care of her; you clothed her, gave her food, a place to sleep and a family. You, H'annya, Shikijo and all the others, you took that little girl and you gave her the best that you had and she in turn, gave you everything she had. You did well by her; you gave Misao a life, love and family and I will always look on you with the pride of a father for what you did for her."

"I only did my duty, Okina-sama...as you raised me."

"But you, my boy; there is one thing that you have failed to realize-one thing in all of this that you never came to accept and that is-Makimachi Misao grew up."

Aoshi's eyes widened; as if the reality of it all was hitting him for the first time. Even though he had seen Misao-and felt Misao-his mind refused to grasp onto the undeniable truth that she was a woman and now, he realized that it scared him more than anything-and for reasons different than what he had originally believed. It was not because he could no longer protect her from the world. It wasn't a fear of losing the child that had been like a little sister to him so long ago and it wasn't for fear of her being unable to stand on her own against the harsh reality of this world-no. Regardless of what he had fooled himself into believing, this was not his fear; Misao was a woman-no longer an innocent child and not only was his fierce desire and longing for her an intense growing result of that, any other man could come upon Misao and he would be well within his right to pursue her if she-in turn-reciprocated his affections. In essence, Misao Makimachi was a woman who possessed every right to rule her own heart and give it to whomever she so chose; meaning, she was no longer submitted to sole protection of Aoshi alone and therefore, she was not his alone to possess. This...this was Aoshi Shinomori's greatest fear and the moment he realized it, he was thrown into the merciless insurmountable struggle of his own heart and mind, both which battled against eachother; one struggling to accept Misao's blossoming womanhood and right to exercise herself independently from him, and the other fighting for the incessant need to possess all of her as such, never to relingquish her to any other than himself alone.

Okina observed the young man's inner turmoil; knowing full well the root of his torment and sympathizing deeply with him. "My son, it is this reality that you have repeatedly refuted and it is because of this that you can find no inner peace. You have deluded yourself into the beliefe that 'little' Misao will always be the innocenct and fragile child you took under your wing. You believed that you would always be able to keep her safe, protected while keeping her at arm's length but this is where you have failed. The little girl that was once our dear Misao is gone-she will never come back-in her place is a grown woman who now possess the hopes, dreams, desires and passions of any woman her age and you can't simply look upon her sternly and expect those emotions and impulses to be smothered! They will keep growing and surging within her...and I think you know as well as I do that there is and has always been only one man alone whom Misao has given her heart and soul to."

Okina paused momentarily, his aged eyes searching Aoshi's countenance detecting the subtle recognition surfacing in the azure blue orbs.

"But-I also know as well as you do that young Misao has been through much pain and grief in her life-and she will not-she cannot-put her heart on hold forever; she cannot wait for you to decide on whether or not you will let her have you completely if you are going to continue to withdraw yourself for months and years at a time! If you refuse her now-if you continue to lose yourself to her for one moment, only to push her away again the next, she will cease to be so forgiving as you have known her to be. There will come a time when you will have pushed her beyond the capacity of her own vibrant spirit and she will have nothing left to give...unless you let go of your arrogance and self-righteous notions of atoning for your sins by living a life of isolation and self-deprication, this will never come to an end. And you will destroy Misao because of it."

The aged man had tears in his eyes and he looked upon Aoshi pleadingly, hoping by some miracle that Aoshi would listen and head his warning-if only for the sake of Misao.

Aoshi's throat felt tight and his lungs burned with each intake of breath. He knew Okina words were earnest and true-and it terrifed the young Okashira even more; the thought of losing Misao...of destroying Misao was just too great of a burden to bear. He stood to his feet his, head bowed, fists clenched tightly and jaw set firm. "I-understand completely Okina. It isn't my wish to bring more pain to Misao..." Feeling a deep well of emotions, he turned his back to the old man, gritting his teeth to the point that his jaw began to ache. "The truth is that I would rather die at her hand than cause her pain or heartache. I would give my life for hers in a moment."

He spoke with great ardor and conviction as he turned and faced Okina; his eyes burning with determination and devotion. "I will serve Misao-and the Oniwaban clan, with everything that I am until there is not a single breath left in my body-but you must understand that there is-there is only so much I can do-concerning Misao-" He trailed off, licking his lips nervously as he searched for the right words. "She is-she escapes me, Okina-sama...both the essence of who she is and well, quite literally. There is-so much-that I-that I want and desire for her to see and to know but she is a very stubborn woman; that much hasn't changed since she was always a strong-willed child." For a brief moment, Aoshi's lips turned upwards into a soft grin as his mind traveled back to a long wild braid, gangly legs running through the woods and wide round eyes alight with childish glee. A part of him would always see Misao as that innocent, vibrant child but he knew that he must continue to look foward to the woman that she had become. "She will not listen to me, she avoids me unless I take drastic measures; anything short of cornering her, I gain no forward ground." He looked frankly at the elderly man, his voice edged in frustration.

Okina nodded knowingly. "That is because she doesn't trust you, Aoshi! you have hidden your feelings away for so long-denied their very existence-and you have continously pushed Misao further and further away from you yet suddenly, you are trying to pull her close to you as if she'll suddenly understand your mind and your heart and believe you? She can't even wrap her mind around the fact that you are still here! She's not going to trust you-your feelings, emotions she won't believe them to be genuine or real unless you continuously and relentlessly persue her-Misao is stubborn as you said; she will not give way so easily but I believe that in her deepest heart, she does still love you-and she needs you and that my boy, that is what you must have faith in; that is what you must use in order to reach her. It will not be easy. it will most likely be-the most challenging, difficult and painful struggle of your life."

Aoshi sighed heavily, leaning against the engawa railing, every muscle pulling taught as he listened intently to Okina's words.

"But you have what it takes, Aoshi-sama...you are the only man who can reach her because no one else has ever had her heart much less her soul, as you do."

"But what if she-"

It was difficult. Painful even for him to say it out loud.

But he knew he needed to.

"-What if-what if Misao no longer-wants me."

Okina was silent for a long moment. For the first time, Aoshi's inpenetrable walls came down and he witnessed the deepest most passionate love, longing, and deep, tangible fear reflected in the young Okashira's steel blue eyes. He rested a hand on Aoshi's shoulder-wishing to the heavens he could lay all the answers and solutions at the young man's feet and ease his painful uncertainty. "I cannot speak fully for Misao; she has become much more quiet and reserved as she has grown up. But I do know this for certain that Misao's love for you has spanned many years of hardship, heartache and pain-and never once in all those years when you were gone, or when you nearly took my life, did I ever once see it waver-not once. Her love for you was strong and constant. You cannot be certain-and you will never be at peace until you try. It is only when you seek out your desires with everything that is in you, that you will then truly know."

# # # #

That evening, Aoshi sat outside-his tench coat and deep purple gi discarded in favor of a dark blue gi that he hadn't worn since the day he'd left with his comrades, three years ago. He was seated on the Engawa floor, legs stretched out before him and resting back on his hands as he looked up at the stars.

It had been ages since he'd just sat down and gazed at the night sky in all of its mystical radiance. Stargazing had once been his most favorite thing in all the world; it had given him a sense of peace; that no matter how wretched and twisted this world could be, the universe would always be in perfect harmony, never changing.

Just then, he sensed a presence coming up the path that lead towards town. It moved to the side garden where the grove of young cherry blossom trees strood that he had planted when he was a young boy, and then reached the corner of the Aoiya nearest his present position. He waited quietly, unmoving and listening.

He heard soft even breathing, hands brushing against fabric in a downward motion and lastly a hint of Jasmine carried on the night air reached his nose.

Misao.

He closed his eyes, concentrating on the sound of her breath and the scent of her hair as the well-known feeling of deep longing seeped into his veins.

If only she knew what her simple nearness does to me...

Suddenly, tiny footsteps neared him.

He inhaled deeply in an attempt to calm his raging heart.

His eye lids flashed open and there she was.

Right in front of him.

Her Spray green eyes that looked sapphire in the moonlight, bored directly into his.

And he couldn't hardly breathe.

he couldn't formulate a thought or even words.

All he could do was wait, his posture statuesque and unmoving.

"I thought of going to the temple today." She said softly. It was almost like a confession in the way her eyes lowered momentarily to the ground and her cheeks flushed the slightest of pink hues. "I wanted to actually-but I-just couldn't gather the courage to, I guess."

He dared to allow his stoic expression to falter and his brows furrowed as he looked deeply into her eyes, waiting for her to continue.

She took another surprising few steps until she was at the base of the steps, just in front of him. Her eyes lowered once more and this time, she bit her lower lip, nervously, hesitating as if she was debating what her next move would be.

He couldn't repress the thoughts that suddenly flashed through his mind. Thoughts of her hair and how long and beautiful it looked, flowing loosely down her back, reflecting the moonlight.

Her full, lucious eyelashes brushing against her cheeks when her eyelids fluttered.

Or her lips and how they curved slightly downwards as she gnawed on them; something she always did when she was nervous.

Every aspect of her-every inch of her was consummed through his eyes and branded into his mind; he couldn't help but memorize every fiber of her physical essence and the parts of her he couldn't see, his heart and body ached for them to be laid bare to him so that he could commit the rest of her to his momory.

"I-I know that I've been-avoiding you and I-I'm sorry, Aoshi-sama, I just-"

"Misao."

The sound of her name rolling off his tongue so firmly and yet so gently was enough to silence her and her eyes involountarily widened, snapping up to his intense steel gaze.

"I don't-I don't want you to apologize."

"You-you don't?"

"No."

Her head lowered and she pressed her lips together, searching for words but nothing came to mind.

"There is no need for you to explain anything-there is only one thing that I-there is no need for you to explain."

She waited and watched him; something inside her told her he'd wanted to say something else...something more. But his lips were sealed in a hard line and he averted his eyes to some obscure place on the wood floor.

She sighed somewhat dejectedly as she slowly climbed the steps and made to walk past him.

"-Misao I-"

She stopped suddenly, half-turning towards him her eyes widened with curiosity and a hint of hope shining in their depths.

"I will not apologize-I won't regret it."

A soft gasp escaped her at his confident meaningful words.

It.

It.

She wasn't a fool.

She knew all too well what he had meant.

And the serious impassioned gaze he met her with only solidified it.

Without a word or a thought of hesitancy, she seated herself beside him and pressed her hands into her lap, gazing up at the night sky silently.

Aoshi's heart pounded furiously the moment he sensed her settle down beside him and daring to lift his eyes to look at her, he was met with an agonizingly beautiful sight.

Flushing cheeks.

Raven hair tossed softly about by an evening breeze.

Eyes as clear and striking as the moon itself concealed behind a curtain of long full eyelashes everytime she blinked.

And full pink lips slightly parted as her sweet breath moved in and out in subtle puffs of air.

Her slender fingers splayed in her lap, smoothed out the invisible creases of her kimono and his own hand twitched and ached to reach out and clasp hers tightly, never to let go.

But he refrained himself, Kami forbid he should frighten her away once again, thus shattering this nearly-perfect moment.

"I've tried-and I've fought with nearly everything in me yet I-" Her voice broke off in a disbelieving gasp. "I can't."

"I-can't bring myself to regret it either."

It was Aoshi's turn to gasp. This surprised him and caught him completely off guard.

"I can feel shame. I can feel resentment and anger at myself for-being so-weak. And I feel all those things, I know I do and I-I hate that it's because of you. You make me feel all these things and I'm so-so angry at you for that."

She turned misty resentment-filled eyes on him then and even though it felt like a dagger to his chest, he resisted the urge to look away and kept his gaze steadily on hers.

I let myself become-so consumed with you that it nearly destroyed me and then I thought 'no more, enough' I thought I was-no, I knew that I was done being played for the fool and being naive. But then you come back and it all just-" She pressed her lips together, her eyes falling closed as she shook her head. "It all just-fell apart."

Every word she spoke was a harsh and painful blow to him but he knew he owed her the will to endure it; she had every right to speak her mind to him because he had made her suffer the most.

"So yes, I am angry. And I'm ashamed for being so stupid, weak-willed and vulnerable and that is something I will always-hate you for. And I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive you for that-"

He felt a stinging as hot tears filled his eyes for the first time in years-but he refused to let them fall.

"-But as hard as I try-in spite of it all, I can't-I can't bring myself to hate you-and I can't bring myself to feel regret for what-what's happened and for that, I hate myself because it's my own heart-my own heart that betrays me. And that, to me, is the most unforgiveable of all."

Aoshi was silent; her words sweeping over him in astonishing revelation. He couldn't move or breathe as he watched her distraught expression and the agony pooling in her eyes. Suddenly, a lone tear escaped down her cheek and she hastily and angrily brushed it away.

"No. I won't, I can't. Not like this-" She shut her eyes and shook her head as if shielding herself from the painful reality of her plight.

Aoshi's heart pounded. He knew the painful implications of her confession; it was just as he'd feared-a part of her despised him and wanted to fight against him with everything she had. A part of her wanted nothing to do with him and it was more painful to hear than he had thought possible. But even in the wake of these painful truths, there was a sliver of hope as well. She had admitted-though reluctantly-that in her deepest heart, she couldn't fully bring herself to hate him and regardless of the shame she felt, she couldn't feel true regret for what they had shared and inspite of herself, her heart betrayed her true desires. This was the sliver of hope and though small, he grasped onto it with everything he had. He vowed to himself that he would persue Misao with all of his strength and he wouldn't give up until he had made her his-her heart, mind, body and soul would be his alone-and at any cost.

Just then, Misao felt warm, calloused fingers caressing her cheek, brushing away the few tears that remained. Her eyes opened and she was met with Aoshi's intense azure gaze penetrating hers. "Misao... please... don't cry."

His voice was so gentle, soothing and pleading that it only caused more tears to fall as her heart wrenched painfully and longingly. She attempted to hold back a sob, pressing the back of her hand against her lips, willing herself to calm down.

But Aoshi didn't seem to mind as he stood quietly at her side, brushing away every tear that escaped down her porcelain cheeks. "Shh...your tears are more painful to me than your hatred, Misao."

She looked at him astonished then and it was very evident by the agony and helplessness betrayed in his eyes, that he was indeed suffering at the expense of her tears-she could sense a longing eminating from him and for a moment, she wondered if he was fighting the urge to pull her into his arms as hard as she was fighting against the urge to throw herself into him. The thought both thrilled and saddened her as his fingers brushed away the last few remaining tears and his hand merely rested against her skin, cupping her cheek comfortingly. "I-could never-h-hate you, Aoshi-sama-even if I desperately wish I could-I can't." She shook her head sadly.

"But a part of you does hate me-I can see it. And though it is only a small part, that part is enough for me to feel the pain of it keenly." His eyes darkened than as he dared let his fingers stray along her jawline to her chin, tilting it upwards until her eyes met his. "I see it in your eyes-right there." His hand cupped her cheek again, his thumb gently caressing the delicate skin just below her beautiful eyes that were still shimmering with deep saddness. "It is a small part of you-but that part of you is strong, Misao-it is very strong-and that pains me greatly because I am the cause; it is no one's fault-but mine."

At that moment, she saw the expression in his eyes change to something she'd never seen in his eyes all of her life.

Tears.

Unshed tears began to gather at the corners and pool in the slate blue depths of his orbs.

His brows furrowed and lines of unspeakable pain and remorse etched the corners of his eyes and mouth.

The sight was unimaginably shocking to her and her heart constricted painfully.

Her stomach knotted.

And new tears began to swell up in her eyes; tears of sympathy and pain at seeing her Aoshi in so much distress when he'd always been the strongest man she'd ever known.

She couldn't take it.

She knew Aoshi was human but still, she couldn't take it.

Seeing him breaking like this...and because of her, was more than she had ever bargained for and even though she'd thought this was what she'd wanted-to see him suffer like she had suffered-seeing it now was unbearable and the last thing she ever wanted.

Without even thinking, she took a step towards him. "Oh Aoshi-sama..."

Taking his face into her hands she rose up onto her tiptoes and pressed tearful trembling lips to his mouth.

She knew she shouldn't-but the sight of him like that-it was too painful and this was the only way she could think of to break him out of his despair.

Aoshi froze the moment her delicate hands pressed against his skin as she brought her lips up to meet his.

Then his mind and heart were set ablaze as her lips pressed against his fervently, eager to taste him.

He complied readily and half-moaned half-sighed when her tongue pressed beyond the boundaries of his lips, exploring every part of his mouth. It surprised him how emboldened she had become; her kisses had been shy and hesitant at first when it came to responding to his but now she had not only initiated it, she was also eager and taking control of the kiss, leading his lips with her own.

The feeling was euphoric, erotic and electrifying to his senses and all he could do was hold onto her for dear life and pray this moment would never end.

Misao felt his shock and amazement at the moment their lips met but as the kiss progressed, she felt his complete willingness to let her take the lead-despite his obvious instinct to dominate her. Knowing this, had Misao feeling even more empowered and she went further, pressing the full length of her body into his as she fought to deepen and intensify the kiss.

Aoshi felt Misao's body melting against his and the overwhelming feeling of pleasure that rifted through him was almost too much for him to stand. He felt Misao's fingers lacing together at the back of his neck and he took the opportunity to lace his own into the long thick tresses of her ebony hair. It was lick smooth silk continuously flowing through his fingers and another deep throaty sigh escaped him. "-So beautiful- Misao, you are-breath-taking." He breathed against her lips.

"-I still-don't-f-forgive you-" Her voice quivered between kisses.

"I don't-care." He breathed back.

"No you-I mean I-s-still don't-give in."

He pulled back just enough to meet her eyes; his own lided gaze heated as it burned into hers. "-and I still-don't care." He plundered her mouth again before she could protest, his tongue tasting every inch he could reach.

Just then, the sound of distant thunder rang through the evening air and it brought both Misao and Aoshi out of their dizzying bubble of ecstasy.

She pulled back, despite Aoshi's persistent attempts to keep her captive to his lips and leaned her forehead heavily against his shoulder.

Both inhaled and exhaled heavily trying to catch their breath as they came back to earth and Misao was the first to speak.

"Please don't-don't ever look that way again-"

Her small hands came to rest against his chest as she breathed in and out. She stayed like that for a few moments until her head turned upwards and her eyes met his imploringly. "-I can't bare it-I can't bare seeing you like that-I could bare it if it was at the cause of someone else because then I could be there to comfort you as I always did as a child but-but seeing you like like this-because of me, no-I can't and I won't bare it-" She shook her head adamently, her bangs brushing against her forehead.

"You wanted me to suffer and I-"

"No please just-comen ne, Aoshi-sama-"

Her voice sounded so small in the stillness of the night and it trembled with emotion.

"Misao-you do not need to ask my forgiveness, there is nothing to forgive, you-"

She shook her head adamently, ashamed for what she had done.

The night drew on very late as darkness enshrouded the pair and thunder rumbling in the distance heralded an approaching storm.

Without another wasted moment, Misao hung her head, no longer able to look her Okashira in the eyes. "-Forgive me-my lord." was uttered in a broken whisper before she sadly and regretfully pushed away from him and escaped inside, tears of unspeakable remorse coursing down her cheeks.