A/N: Umm hey guys... sorry it's been like 9 months since I updated. I suck I know. I wanted to make this chapter longer but then I was like, nah I'm gonna just give it to them. So there's gonna be more. Maybe 1 or 2 more chapters. Okay sorry again, please forgive me!
Alison has never been in a hospital before, but after just a few minutes of sitting in the waiting room, she decides that she doesn't like them.
The chairs are uncomfortable. The AC is on too high and she forgot her jacket in the car. The lady sitting next to her won't stop biting her nails. The sterility of the air sticks in her nose, burning and constant.
And she hasn't received any information about Beth.
The shrill wailing of a young infant erupts down the hall and Alison closes her eyes, taking a deep breath and pinching her nose.
She doesn't like the tension in the air. There are too many sounds. A man breathing too deeply. The inconsistent flipping of the pages of a newspaper. A teenage girl her age with curly blonde hair crunches chips between her teeth, the plastic of the bag rustling every time she grabs another handful.
Alison sighs and checks her watch. She's been here for hours.
After a moment of deliberation, she stands and walks to the reception desk. The woman behind the desk looks up with a gentle smile as she approaches.
"Excuse me," Alison says.
"There isn't any news since you last asked, sweetie, I'm sorry." The woman's eyes bleed out sympathy and Alison hates it.
"Do you know how much longer I'll have to wait before you'll know anything?"
"I don't, I'm sorry." The woman shakes her head. "I might not even be able to let you in to see her. It's typically a family-only visiting policy at first."
Alison feels her lips thin. She just wants to know if Beth is okay. She wants to get the image out of her brain. Beth's vacant eyes. Beth swaying on the spot, falling like a domino, the crash as she hits her head on a music stand and then the floor.
Beth's hand in hers, familiar and cold, so different than when Beth had grabbed her hand before.
She's so confused, and sad, and she just wants to know that Beth is okay.
"Okay, thank you," she says, polite despite wanting to yell at this woman to tell her even one small thing about Beth. Her chest feels tight and she walks out of the waiting room as quickly as possible.
Her watch says it's two in the morning. A text from her mother says she should come home.
She gets in her car, thinking about Beth in the passenger seat, Beth laughing, her lips on Beth's cheek.
Her lips on Beth's lips.
Alison lets her tears fall one at a time, puts her car in gear, and makes the drive home in silence.
When Beth wakes, the world is white. White walls. White sheets. White light.
She groans, her mouth like cotton and throat like sandpaper. Her head throbs. She arches her back, feeling a tug in her arm. Looking down she notices an IV. Then she hears the beeping.
Hospital. She'd know that sound anywhere.
She groans again.
There's a shifting next to her, and she turns her neck to look at the figure perched next to her bed, face smooshed into the sheets next to her body. The figure lets out a small noise in their sleep and Beth laughs, but it turns into a cough in the barren tunnel of her throat.
The figure jolts awake.
"Shite, whattime issit?"
Beth coughs again.
"Oh shit. About time ya woke up, Childs." Sarah hands her a bottle of water from the bedside table. Beth sips it slowly, the liquid feeling like ice as it slips down her throat.
After she's downed the bottle, she clears her throat. "You have a nice nap, dipshit?"
"Couldn't sleep much with ya passed ou' and snorin' over there now could I?" Sarah smirks, but it lacks her usual swagger.
Beth raises her eyebrows, faking nonchalance. "What crazy shit did we get into that landed me in the hospital, huh?" The last thing she remembers is the ending of the school musical. She grins in an attempt to bite back the shaking in her bones, the tension in Sarah's eyes, but her friend doesn't take the bait.
Sarah runs a hand through her hair. "Yeah, about tha'. Ya passed out after the musical. You've been here a few hours."
Beth closes her eyes. Shit. She's so stupid. And she probably made a scene. How embarrassing. She completely ruined Alison and the rest of the cast's night. And she's in the hospital. Her mom is going to kill her. Shit. Her mom.
"Where's my mom?" She opens her eyes and looks at Sarah.
"She was here for a little bit. But the ceiling in some restaurant collapsed. Really massive trauma. She had to go, but she said she would come righ' back after she's done in surgery." Sarah shrugs. "Told me to page her when ya woke up."
Beth sighs. "Right."
Sarah's hands fidget on the bed sheets, the way they do before physics tests and when Helena gets sent to the principal's office alone. "Wha' the 'ell, Childs? Wha's goin' on with you?"
Beth slumps further into her pillow. "Nothing man. Just felt a little dizzy is all."
"Yeah, righ'." Sarah sighs and looks away. When she meets Beth's gaze again, her eyes are dark and desperate like the first time Beth saw them, when Sarah had her forearm pressed into a kid's neck and her teeth clenched in anger. Beth feels a chill run up her spine.
"Sarah," she says, but the girl shrugs her off.
"Don't lie to me," Sarah croaks, her voice thick. "I heard the doctor talkin' with your mom. They were talkin' abou' chemicals in your brain, and I know I'm not as smart as you, especially with science stuff, but I'm not stupid. I know ya have your pills."
Beth opens her mouth, to deny it, defend it, she doesn't know what, but Sarah keeps talking, her voice getting an octave higher with each passing second. "Ya haven't been like you lately. I though' ya were jus'… I dunno, stressed or somethin'. But ya seem so… hollow. And thin. I knew ya were doin' too much."
Sarah shakes her head again, and Beth' stomach flips, filling with heavy guilt. "Please," Sarah whispers, her eyes shimmering. "Don't lie to me."
Beth stares at her friend. She's never seen Sarah cry before, not even when she broke her arm that one time they were tp-ing Paul's house and they got caught and Sarah fell out of the tree. Beth feels her own throat close up and she sniffles.
"Sorry," she whispers.
Sarah blinks hard a few times. "Jus' tell me wha's goin' on."
"Nothing really. I upped my pill dosage and you're right. I've been a little stressed. That's all."
Sarah stares at her. "You upped your dosage, or the doctor did?"
"I…" Beth glances away. "I've been stressed."
Sarah's head falls into her hands. "Christ, Beth."
"Sarah, it's not that big of a deal."
"Not tha' big of a deal?" Sarah whips her head up, staring hard into Beth. "Piss off, Beth! Fuck that! You're in the fucking hospital! Look at you! Fuck…" Sarah pushes out of the chair, spinning in a circle and running a hand through her hair. "Jesus bloody Christ."
Beth shifts uncomfortably, the way she always does when Sarah gets like this. She's always known Sarah gets emotional, knows those emotions show themselves as anger, especially when she's scared. She knows Sarah is a cannon waiting to fire, destruction just around the corner.
Beth is emotional too, but she sucks at this shit. Not on purpose. Just… she likes control. And Sarah has none. Beth refuses to be like that. Refuses to be impulsive. Being impulsive has never done her any favors.
"Please sit back down," Beth says calmly, ignoring the shaking in her bones. "They'll kick you out."
Sarah shakes her head, face turned away from Beth. After a few moments, she slumps back in the chair, face falling back in her palms.
"How are you in here anyway? Isn't this the family-only period?" Beth keeps her voice level, hoping Sarah will match it.
Sarah sighs, not looking up from her hands. "Your mom put me down as family. I lef' Helena in the waiting room with some chips. It's fine."
"You should go home," Beth says gently. "Get some real sleep."
"Piss off."
Beth sighs. "Please don't be like this."
"Be like wha'?" Sarah finally looks up at her again, confusion wrinkling her forehead, anger darkening her eyes. "Don't be like someone who, I dunno, fuckin' cares abou' you? Someone who's worried you're gonna pop one too many pills and end up on the floor?"
Beth's mouth falls open, taken aback by Sarah's bluntness. "Sarah – "
"I'm tired of ya pretendin' everythin' is okay with you. It's fuckin' not, Beth."
Beth feels anger flare up in her chest. "You don't know what I'm feeling."
"Yeah because ya never tell me!"
"Fuck you," Beth spits out. She hates this. Hates Sarah right in this moment. She hates being Beth. Hates being in this hospital. She feels her throat close up and wills her tears to stay in her fucking eyes. She looks the other way, hoping Sarah won't see that she's crying because then Sarah will think she's not fine when she is.
She manages to meet Sarah's eyes, glaring at the fire in them. They stare at each other, both desperate to not back down.
Beth looks away first, upset and stubborn.
"Ya know ya can talk to me righ'?" Sarah's voice lilts angrily, but gives way to gruff admission. Beth deflates, her shoulders sagging in defeat.
"I know."
"Good." Sarah's hand slides into her own and squeezes. A few tears slip down Beth's cheeks. She hastily wipes them away. "You don't have to do anythin' alone, Beth."
Beth shrugs. Sarah will never get it. She'll never understand how it feels to be Beth Childs.
There's a moment of silence. Then Sarah clear her throat. "Soccer bitch came to see you."
Her heart thumps hard, breath catching in her lungs. "Alison was here?"
Sarah snorts, taking her hand back and slouching in her chair. "Yeah. They wouldn' let her in, though. Family only."
Beth rolls her eyes at Sarah's smirk. "Shut up."
"So wha's tha' all abou' anyway?"
"What's what all about?" Beth tries to keep her face neutral.
Sarah quirks an eyebrow, not believing Beth for a second. "Umm, you and soccer bitch?"
"Nothing. We're friends."
"Well, she sure looked upset."
Beth shrugs. "Probably because I ruined her musical."
"She was askin' the receptionist lady if you were okay. I dunno, Childs. She seemed pretty beat up." Sarah leans forward. "Kinda weird for a friend to feel like tha' when ya just met."
Beth twists her lips, thinking. She feels it bubbling in her chest, feels her stomach bottoming out with nerves, her cheeks getting red. "I kissed her. Fuck it was so stupid. I'm so stupid. Fuck."
Sarah snorts. "Tha' was too easy. Ya didn't even try."
"Shut up," Beth groans, her heart beating too quickly. "I'm having an identity crisis and all you can do is take advantage of my stupidity."
"I'm not gonna apologize if tha's what you want." Beth glares, but Sarah just shakes her head. "Ya told me to fuck off when I've been sittin' in the fuckin' hospital all night worried you were gonna bite the dust."
"Sorry," Beth grumbles. "It's been a weird week."
"No shit."
Beth rolls her eyes, fingers fidgeting on the bed sheets. "Fine. I think I might like her. Is that what you want me to say?"
Sarah smirks. "Ya can say wha'ever ya want. But good to know."
"Thanks, I guess." Beth slumps her head back on her pillows. She's glad that her liking Alison isn't a big deal to Sarah, but like, that's the least of her problems right now.
"So wha' happened?"
Beth turns her head on the pillow. "What do you mean?"
"When you kissed her."
"Nothing," Beth says. "I just kissed her and then I freaked out and like, ran away."
Sarah stares at her. "You ran away." Beth nods. "Christ, Childs. Wha' the 'ell? You can't jus' go around kissin' people and then get the 'ell outta dodge."
Beth throws her hands in the air. "I didn't mean to kiss her! Or run. I just freaked out, okay?"
"When?"
Beth shrugs. "Last night. Or the night before, I guess?"
Sarah hums, eyes narrowing. "Wait that doesn't have anythin' to do with this does it?" She gestures to Beth in the bed.
"No." Beth shakes her head. If she says this has been going on for longer then Sarah will think it's a problem. It's not. She just got a little carried away.
Sarah nods. "Okay because if it's a problem I can – "
"Please don't." Beth snorts because Sarah is always so… Sarah. "That has nothing to do with this."
"Alright fine." Sarah runs a hand through her hair. "But you will let me know if I need to – "
"Sarah."
Sarah sighs. "Fine." She stands up from the chair, shaking her head and grumbling under her breath. "I'm gonna go page your mom, alrigh'? Don't go anywhere."
Beth raises her eyebrows. "Where they fuck am I gonna go?"
"Crazy probably."
"Fuck you."
Sarah smirks. "Be right back, Childs. Don't get too rowdy in here."
Beth scowls and gives Sarah's back the finger as she struts out the door and into the hallway.
The doctor says she can home, but he's cutting back her prescription to attempt to wean her off of it. Beth tries to pretend the idea doesn't scare the shit out of her and instead focuses on insisting to her teary-eyed mom that she's totally fine.
He also suggests that she sees a therapist, and even though she tells her mom she doesn't need one, her mom decides it's for the best.
Beth doesn't know why she would need therapy, but she eventually concedes if it means they'll stop talking about it and let her go home.
Alison is no stranger to alcohol. She drinks at parties, and when she's hanging out with Aynsley, and her mom even started letting her have a glass of wine on holidays when she was sixteen.
Alison has never been this drunk before, though. Not by herself.
She's probably going to throw up.
She groans and leans her head against the bathroom wall, keeping the toilet within reach. All of this because of Elizabeth EFFING Childs.
Beth and her stupid cocky smile. Beth and that self-deprecating laugh. Beth and her really soft lips and her deep green eyes and her misguided insecurities.
Alison shivers against the floor tiles or maybe because she's thinking about Beth's eyes. She groans and tries to breathe deeply.
In her mind, she focuses in an attempt to not throw up, and she lists all of the things she knows about Beth.
Track star, insecure, pretty, soft lips, plays trumpet, funny, wants to go into criminal justice. Thinks Alison is cute.
Is in the hospital.
The list is short. Alison knows very little about the girl. Her stomach heaves and she clenches her hands.
Oh, she thinks, as she reaches for the toilet. She forgot one.
Alison Hendrix is unmistakably, one hundred percent, without a doubt, into Elizabeth Effing Childs.
And that's when she throws up.
"WHAT THE 'ELL CHILDS? GET UP!"
Beth groans and covers her head with her pillow, but she knows it's not going to make much of a difference at this point.
"We're going to be late, Beth. Get up."
"I'm not going." Beth pushes her head further into the mattress as if that will make her words have more force.
Beth feels her bed move and a hand grabs her ankle. The amount of pressure next to her legs makes her think Sarah climbed on her bed. "What was tha'?"
"I said I'm not going!"
"Like hell you're not." She feels Sarah's feet bracketing her hips and knows Sarah is standing above her. She takes the pillow off her head and rolls over to see Sarah smirking down at her. "Come on, get up. I can't believe tha' I have to force you to get up."
"I swear to God if you fall on me I will beat the shit out of you."
Sarah shrugs. "Righ', like I couldn't take ya. Please."
Beth closes her eyes tightly. "Please leave me alone. I'll go tomorrow, I swear."
She feels the bed bounce a little as Sarah shifts. "Quit bein' a baby, Childs. You gotta face it eventually."
"No I don't." Beth whines.
Sarah swipes the pillow from her hands and smacks Beth across the head with it. Beth lunges for it, causing the mattress to bounce. Sarah wobbles, her hand reaching out to grab something, and Beth instinctively grabs it.
Which turns out to be a bad decision.
Sarah goes down, her foot losing purchase over the side of Beth's bed and dragging Beth with her by the hand. They both hit the ground with a loud thud. Beth's comforter slides off her bed with them.
"I hate you so much," Beth grumbles, rubbing her elbow where it smacked into the floor.
Sarah shrugs and Beth notices that she landed on the pillow, the cushioney material absorbing most of the impact of their fall. Beth scowls.
"Well looks like you're up, so let's go," Sarah grins and pushes herself off the ground. She goes to Beth's closet and slides a random shirt off of a hanger. Beth flinches when Sarah tosses the shirt at her face.
"Sarah – "
"Get dressed and I'll meet ya downstairs."
Beth considers climbing back into bed and completely ignoring her dipshit of a best friend, but then Sarah tosses a "hurry the fuck up, Childs" over her shoulder and she resigns herself to the day ahead.
When she's finally dressed and is convinced that she doesn't smell completely disgusting, she shrugs her backpack over her shoulder and heads downstairs. Sarah is spreading jelly on a piece of toast and she pushes it over to Beth on a napkin when she's finished, along with her new weekly pill box.
Beth rolls her eyes at the box, her mom's attempt to regulate her meds growing increasingly more annoying as she gets further into the week. She's not a child.
She opens the Wednesday tab and fumbles with the two pills before washing them down with a glass of water that she assumes is Sarah's. When she's finished, she meets Sarah's eyes, which have an especially dark glint to them today.
"What?" She snaps.
Sarah shrugs and raises her hands in the air unassumingly. "Nothin', chill." She picks up her backpack from the floor. "Ya ready? We missed firs' period already."
Beth grabs her toast from the counter and follows Sarah out to her truck. She notices Helena and Felix aren't in their usual spots. "Where's Helena and Felix?"
"Dropped 'em off before I picked ya up," Sarah says as she throws her backpack in the backseat of the truck and climbs in the driver's side.
Beth purses her lips. She's in the worst mood ever this morning. Why does Sarah think she needs a babysitter?
She hefts herself into the passenger side, a rare occurrence with Helena's absence, and slumps in her seat. She rests her head against the window, the chill of the morning air lingering as it fades into a hotter autumn day. Maybe if she closes her eyes she'll be back in her room, back in her bed, where the past two days of ignoring school, ignoring sports and student council, ignoring how it feels to be Beth Childs feels like a lifetime ago.
"So…" Sarah says, dawdling in a way that is fantastically un-Sarah. "Principal Leekie announced the big states win over the intercom on Monday."
Beth slouches further in her seat and thinks about her medal where it's joined the ranks of her other awards and trophies on their designated shelf in her room. "Great." It comes out more sarcastic than she meant it to, but no less sarcastic than she feels.
"The school paper wants to do an interview and stuff." Sarah says it nonchalantly, but when Beth looks over at her out of the corner of her eye, she can see Sarah's fingers twitch on the steering wheel.
"Why?" Beth pretends not to notice the way Sarah shifts in her seat.
"I dunno exactly…" Sarah trails off and she's being so infuriatingly not like Sarah that Beth feels any semblance of patience she has slipping.
She's not fragile. "Spit it out."
Sarah looks at her now and Beth feels her stare like a hot sun on her cheek. She turns further into the door. "I dunno for sure, but I heard tha' some scouts from big name schools were talkin' to your coach about gettin' in touch with ya. Art said tha' your coach is holdin' 'em back for now because you were goin' through stuff or wha'ever but he'll probably wanna talk abou' it soon."
"Didn't know you and Art were such close buddies."
She can practically feel Sarah's eye roll even though she's not looking at her. "He jus' wanted to know where ya were."
Beth looks at Sarah finally. "And? What'd you tell him?"
"Nothin', geez." Sarah has the good grace to look offended. She meets Beth's eyes. "But it's not a secret you passed out and went to the hospital, Beth. An ambulance came, for Christ's sake."
Beth doesn't really know what to say to that. "Can you just drive?"
Sarah stares at her for a moment before shaking her head and starting the car. Beth leans her head back against the window.
It's going to be a long day.
Alison is starting to hate Sarah Manning.
Beth has been back at school for two full days and Alison still hasn't gotten the chance to talk to her thanks to that idiotic, foul-mouthed, badly-dressed girl Beth calls her friend.
She scowls at the thought.
Alison has seen Beth around the school approximately fifty times the past two days, but never alone. It's not like she's actively stalking Beth… she's just casually following her and maybe going to all the places she knows Beth could possibly be in order to perhaps run into her.
It's honestly just strategy.
A strategy that totally would have worked by now, at least like, twenty of those times, if it wasn't for Sarah Manning.
That stupid punk (Alison crinkles her nose in disgust at the word) has been trailing Beth like a body guard. And anytime she sees Alison in close enough proximity to just look at Beth, Sarah glares at her and drags Beth away.
Alison just doesn't know why.
It's not her fault Beth passed out at the musical!
(Every atom in her body screams at her to remember Beth freaking out after they kissed the night before, but she is extremely competent at ignoring those thoughts.)
Alison isn't afraid of Sarah Manning, though, that's for sure.
It's just that Sarah is intense, which Alison experienced firsthand after Beth passed out. It seemed the second Beth's head hit the floor, Sarah was there, Sarah was screaming for someone to call an ambulance, Sarah was rifling through Beth's bag, pulling out a pill bottle and cursing in desperation at its emptiness.
Alison still isn't sure the meaning of that, but when she softly grabbed Beth's hand as Sarah rampaged about, looking for a solution Alison wasn't sure she'd find, Alison thought Beth must have a very loyal friend in Sarah Manning.
When the paramedics finally arrived, Sarah was back at Beth's side, her mouth moving frantically, yapping at the EMTs like an angry Doberman.
Sarah Manning was anything but an angry Doberman. She was a quivering puppy and Alison saw it in her eyes.
Sarah was beyond afraid.
And Sarah knew that Alison saw it, saw that there were tears forming behind that anger as Sarah stepped into the ambulance and locked eyes with Alison. Sarah left her standing helplessly in the school parking lot, staring after a girl she barely knew, but a girl that Alison cared for. Liked even.
Likes.
Alison huffs again as she looks at Sarah Manning now, hovering next to Beth as she grabs some books from her locker for her first period class on Friday.
As the pair walk away, Sarah's arm falling across Beth's shoulders in a familiar way, Alison decides that enough is enough.
No matter what happens today, she will somehow shake off that ridiculous guard dog and she will talk to Beth.
Even if she does have to stalk her.
Goddammit Sarah.
Beth sighs as she lowers the latch and hops up in the bed of Sarah's truck.
An hour. She's going to have to wait out here for another hour. She honestly doesn't know what Sarah's deal is this week. She's been acting so strange. For one thing, she keeps showing up in between Beth's passing periods. And for another, Sarah has been hanging at her place after school every day since Wednesday. Like, doing homework. Sarah never does homework.
Beth really hopes this unnecessary panic will end soon. Sarah's been driving her up the wall.
And now, one kid asked Beth (asked, like, not even was mean about it) if she was feeling okay today, and Sarah shoved him into a locker and told him not to speak to Beth like that.
Which consequently landed Sarah in detention for the next hour.
Like seriously. Goddammit Sarah.
At least the weather isn't too bad. Sure, the fall air is crisp and the tip of her nose is cold, but the sun feels good on her face. She shrugs her jacket on and leans back on her hands, turning her sunglasses-clad face toward the sky.
She supposes there are worse ways to spend an afternoon.
"Beth?"
Beth starts at the timid voice, her eyes flying open. She sits up abruptly.
"Shit." Her heart is beating quickly, but when she sees it's Alison, she thinks it might stop completely. "Alison. You scared me."
Alison smiles softly, a small redness appearing against her pale skin. "Sorry."
"It's fine." Beth grins even as she feels her stomach bottoming out. She hasn't seen Alison all week. At least not in real life. She hasn't stopped thinking about her, imagining what she would say when they finally spoke again.
She wonders if Alison has been avoiding her.
(Of course she has. She's probably horrified that Beth kissed her. And that she ruined the musical.)
Beth shakes off that thought as quickly as she can, but it still pinpricks the back of her mind.
"Hi," she says at last.
"Hello." Alison grabs the back of her neck tensely and glances away briefly before meeting Beth's eyes. "How are you?"
Beth's been asked that question a million times this week. She's always responded with the same answer, and she still does, but for the first time all week, she feels like it's not a complete lie. "I'm doing okay."
"Really?" Alison raises her eyebrows. "That's… that's great. I'm glad to hear that."
Beth nods. "How are you?"
"I'm doing okay, too." Alison's fingers grip her backpack straps. "I just was worried about you."
Beth rolls her eyes, but doubts Alison can see them behind her sunglasses. "Yeah," she laughs, trying not to sound too self-deprecating. "About that. I'm sorry I passed out and like, completely ruined your show."
Alison's lips thin. "Well, it would've been fine if it had happened the week before. The publicity afterward really sparked an interest in the show, but unfortunately that was the final curtain so it didn't help ticket sales very much."
Beth's eyes widen and she thinks her confused face must be extremely attractive. "Uh."
"Beth I'm kidding." Alison rolls her eyes at herself. "Sorry, that wasn't a very tasteful joke."
Beth snorts. "I didn't realize you were capable of making jokes, Ali."
"Of course I am." She pauses. "Just not any good ones apparently."
Alison looks like she feels awkward and Beth finds it to be the most endearing thing she's ever seen probably. She laughs genuinely. "No, you know what. It's refreshing. Everyone's just been tiptoeing around me this whole week and I'm kind of sick of it, actually." She still seems uncertain and Beth shrugs. "Seriously, Ali, it's fine."
"Okay." Alison shakes her head back and forth, her ponytail swishing around her face. Beth stares, her stomach tying itself in knots. "What are you doing out here?"
Beth rolls her eyes, thinking of Sarah's detention. "Waiting for my ride who is, as usual, stuck in detention."
Alison's lips turn up in a smile. Beth thinks she looks a little satisfied at the news, but isn't completely sure. "As usual?"
"Sarah has a short temper." That's probably the understatement of the century. "Detention is practically her second home."
Alison nods, and they're silent for a minute. Beth frantically searches for something to say, the silence eating away at her confidence and pulling the strings inside her stomach tighter.
"Do you want to hang out?" She blurts it out in a rush and can practically hear Sarah in her brain laughing at her. Smooth, Childs.
Alison's eyes widen. "Now?"
"Umm." Beth falters. "Or, you know. Whenever."
(She knows they're avoiding talking about the kiss. She's so stupid. Why did she have to do that?)
But Alison smiles. "Whenever is good. Now is fine, too."
Beth feels relief flood her chest and she takes a deep breath. "Cool." She pats the open latch of Sarah's truck and reaches her hand out. Alison rolls her eyes and grabs Beth's hand, pulling herself into the truck gracefully. Beth pulls her hand away quickly, clearing her throat.
"Congratulations on winning your track… thing," Alison says as she settles against the opposite side of the truck. Beth faces her, pulling her knee up to her chest and flattening the other leg in between them. She pushes her sunglasses up on her head.
She shrugs. "It's not that big of a deal."
"Everyone seems to think it is." Alison tilts her head to the side and Beth knows she's studying her. She hates it and loves it at the same time.
Beth sighs. "I guess it is." Alison waits patiently, her eyes never leaving Beth's face. She shifts uncomfortably. "It just was a weird day. I kind of don't remember the race that much."
Alison hums sympathetically. "It was a weird weekend." Their eyes lock and Beth wonders if she's thinking about that stupid kiss. "Can I ask you something?"
Beth nods. "Of course."
Alison purses her lips again, her fingers coming up to tug on her ear nervously. "Why did you leave that night? In the catwalk, I mean."
Beth feels her stomach drop. What's she supposed to say? I'm sorry, I have a crush on you. I'm sorry, I've just never liked a girl before, but I really like you.
I'm sorry, but I have a lot of issues.
"Umm." She clears her throat. "It just felt like a lot I guess."
Her fingers shake as she waits for Alison to respond, which feels like it's taking ages. She clenches them around her knee.
"Are we friends?" Alison asks eventually.
"Uh." Beth stills, confused by the change of subject. "I… I don't know, are we?"
Alison shrugs, lightly grabbing Beth's shoe and cupping her hands around the toes. Forget butterflies. Beth thinks there's a million hummingbirds in her stomach right now. "I really care about you, Beth."
She shivers, whether from the air or Alison's words, she's not sure. There's a tornado in her chest, her feelings beating against her ribcage and pushing against her lungs. "I care about you, too. Like, a lot." She feels Alison's hands grip her shoe tighter.
"I want to be your friend," Alison says. "But…" Beth feels her heart plummet into her stomach. Alison's voice is quiet when she continues. "I'm really confused."
"Oh," Beth says, and she hates the way her voice sounds dull and disappointed.
(What else did she expect?)
"My mother," Alison's nose crinkles at the words. "If she knew, she would prefer we weren't friends." Beth's going to start losing feeling in her toes if Alison tightens her grip anymore. "She's always going on, 'Alison when will you bring us a nice boy home?' and 'Alison, honey, what about that kind boy Donnie?'"
Beth wrinkles her forehead in confusion. She has no idea what Alison is talking about anymore. "Alison, I really don't – "
"Donnie is such a moron!" Beth represses the 'ow' that almost slips out of her mouth as Alison squeezes her toes between her hands. "But I suppose for her, you know, he'd be better than a girl, God forbid."
Beth stares at the girl across from her. Alison's face is red, from the anger or cold or probably both. Her hands clench around Beth's shoe and her own legs are crossed, pressed tightly into her tiny body. Her eyeliner is slightly smudged, but her eyes are fierce and focused. Somewhere in her vaguely-conscious thought process she thinks Alison is the most beautiful she's ever seen her.
"Okay…"
Alison huffs. "Did you mean to kiss me?"
Beth's mouth falls open. "What?"
"Last weekend. On the catwalk. You kissed me. Did you mean to?"
Beth crinkles her nose, feeling awkward. "I mean I hadn't planned it…"
"Okay, but did you want to?"
Beth looks away, embarrassed.
"Please Beth, I need to know."
She looks back at Alison, feeling sad and like she'll never be able to stop disappointing everyone. "Yeah."
Alison looks at her, hard, for a time that's long enough to make Beth squirm. Finally, she nods. "Well, then." Beth just stares. "Give me your phone."
"Why?" Alison rolls her eyes and just holds out her hand. Beth passes the phone over reluctantly. Alison swipes across it and then presses the screen a few times, clearly typing. Beth tries not to feel her hands shaking, tries not to think about what her mom would say if she came home and saw that Beth took the pills she's supposed to be saving for tomorrow. She hasn't yet, but she wants them. She wants anything that will make the storm inside her body stop. She feels like she almost can't breathe.
When it's almost too much for her to keep sitting there, Alison hands the phone back. "There. Now you have my number." Alison grabs her own phone from her pocket and Beth sees that it's lit up with a notification. "And I have yours."
Beth's really confused, and for a second, that outweighs everything else she's feeling. "Alison?"
Alison tugs on her ponytail and reaches over to grab Beth's hand. "Like I said. I'm a little confused."
Beth snorts. "Yeah… me too?"
"I liked it when we kissed, and I like when we're together, and I like how I feel when you smile at me." Alison grabs her hand gently and Beth wonders if she can feel her fingers shaking. She takes a deep breath.
"Wait so you're not mad at me?"
Alison furrows her eyebrows cutely. "Mad? Why on earth would I be mad? Of course I'm not mad."
"So…. We're friends?" She looks at their hands, resting on Beth's knee between them. She almost didn't notice, but the sky has darkened since they've been sitting in Sarah's truck and the sun is starting to drop below the horizon. She shivers again.
Alison smiles, her lips pressing together and her eyes lighting up. "I guess you could say that, but…" She looks at Beth shyly and squeezes her hand and suddenly Beth gets it.
She suddenly feels like a thousand bucks. "Oh, so you do want to go on a date with me, Hendrix." She grins cockily and Alison rolls her eyes.
"Don't get ahead of yourself, Elizabeth. I said we could hang out."
Beth continues to smirk despite herself. "Alison Hendrix, you have a crush on me."
Alison huffs. "You're one to talk! You kissed me and ran away!"
"Oh right." They stare at each other for a second. Alison's glare is disappearing into a smile and Beth can't help it; she laughs, the sound bursting from her chest and her lips pulling up to show all of her teeth. Alison laughs at her laughing and soon they're both holding their sides and giggling uncontrollably.
When they're both finally able to calm and down and are just sitting there smiling at each other, Beth realizes that's the first time she's laughed that hard in a really long time. The thought makes her sad, but in some ways, it makes her really happy.
Alison squeezes her hand and lets go before hopping down from the truck.
"Where are you going?"
"Your guard dog is coming back," she says, gesturing over Beth's shoulder toward the school. Beth snorts and rolls her eyes.
"Sorry about her."
Alison shrugs. Then quickly, so quickly that Beth thinks she almost dreams it, Alison stands on her tippy-toes and, using the side of the truck as leverage, kisses Beth on the cheek.
"Goodbye, Beth."
She's already a few steps away when Beth manages to reply. "I'll text you!"
Alison just keeps walking and Beth smiles excitedly as she climbs down from Sarah's truck and locks up the back. She gets in the passenger side just as Sarah gets to the car.
"Sorry bou' detention," Sarah grumbles as she boosts herself into the driver's side.
"No problem," Beth says. "There are worse ways to spend an afternoon."
Sarah looks at her questioningly, but Beth just smiles and stares out the window. She watches as a few aisles down the parking lot, Alison gets into her tiny car and drives away.