It's finally quiet in the medical bay. She's come to cherish these rare moments. Even as patients sleep around her, she finds solace in the silence.
Today has been a hard day.
Not every day is hard anymore. Not when compared to their first days on earth. With the Mountain Men gone and a truce declared between the Sky People and the Grounders, life has settled down. There is still plenty to do, especially with winter rapidly approaching, but the fear for their lives at the hands of others has ebbed. Their greatest enemies now are the elements.
Even as peace has settled and a true community has started to form, some days are just hard.
She started her day with a standoff over breakfast with Raven. She knows things will never be quite okay between her and Raven, but it was the first time in a while that Raven tried to goad her, remind her of what she did to Finn. She misses the days when she considered Raven a friend. She could use her friend these days.
After her confrontation with Raven, she had headed to the council's daily status update. She thought it would get easier to see Bellamy as time passed, easier to be around him. Time heals all wounds. Instead, it was ever harder. She refused to look at him when he spoke, only addressed him if it was necessary. She didn't think it was possible for someone to hurt her more than Finn had, but Bellamy had proved her wrong.
So, between Raven and Bellamy, today had been a hard day.
"I folded the clean linens from the laundry and organized the linen closet while I was at," comes Octavia's voice, interrupting her thoughts. "It was getting out of hand. Jackson is messy."
"Oh, good. Thanks, Octavia," she replies. She shoots the young girl a kind smile. She has grown fond of her. Most everyone in the camp has. Octavia still has her innocence, despite the things she has seen and done. Even Abby has fallen for the olive-skinned girl, and Clarke suspects it has little to do with the girl's natural abilities in the medical bay and more to do with the fact that while Abby has accepted Clarke as an adult, an equal, even, she still wants to mother.
"Monty brought back some ferns he found while out gathering nuts. You can use those to treat cuts and burns, right?" Octavia continues. She sees Clarke organizing their supply of herbs and medicines and falls in beside her to help.
"You can," Clarke confirms, knowing Octavia likes to ask questions about the herbs and medicines they use. She finds she likes answering. Right now, she's glad for the distraction from replaying her day. "If you roll the ferns between your palms into a sort of mash, the juices help take the sting out of minor cuts and burns. I'm glad Monty brought us some, but it can't be used in a dried form. If we don't use it in the next few days, we will have to throw it out." Octavia nods, absorbing the information.
"This is alfalfa?" she asks, picking up a tin of strong smelling green stuff.
"It is," Clarke answers after a quick glance at the tin. "What do we use it for?" She likes to quiz Octavia. Between herself, Lincoln, and Monty, Octavia has become a bit of a savant when it comes to herbs.
"To treat nausea," Octavia recalls. "It can be used to boost someone's energy level as well. You can use it dry or eat the leaves." Clarke nods with a smile.
"Right again," she says, earning a smile from Octavia.
"Catnip," Octavia says, picking up another tin. "It relieves cold symptoms and is good for breaking fevers as it promotes sweating. It can also help stop bleeding and swelling when it's applied rather than ingested." She puts it on the shelf in front of her and picks up another tin. "Sage. Aids digestion, relieves cramps and diarrhea, fights colds, reduces inflammation and swelling, and can be a salve for cuts and burns." She puts it away and picks up still another tin. "Red clover. Good for brewing into a tea to treat coughs. Lincoln says it's also a blood cleanser."
"You know your stuff," Clarke tells her, genuinely impressed. "You keep this up, and you won't need me around here." Octavia shakes her head.
"We could never replace you. We need you too much." Clarke gives her another smile and they continue their task. She is aware of Octavia biting her lip as she works. She knows there is something the girl wants to say. She doesn't ask her what's on her mind. Octavia will tell her when she's ready. The young Blake isn't one to keep her thoughts to herself. Several minutes pass before Octavia opens her mouth.
"What would you treat anxiety with?" she asks Clarke casually. "Or, maybe, depression?" Clarke stops what she's doing and narrows her eyes at Octavia.
"What's going on, O?" she half asks, half demands. "Are you okay? Is there something you want to talk about?" Octavia shakes her head.
"I'm fine," she insists. "I'm even happy. You know, with Lincoln, and everything. I was just curious. Since I'm learning and everything." Clarke scrutinizes her closely. She does look fine. Mostly. Her eyes are bright. She isn't tense. She doesn't even look tired. She does, however, look worried. Clarke decides she's telling the truth. Octavia is fine. It's someone else Octavia is worried about.
"Well, chamomile is an option," she tells the girl. "Brewed as a tea, it helps clam the nerves and settle the stomach. If you add some valerian, it becomes a strong sleep aide. Lavender is another good one. You can make a tea with it, but Jasper showed me how to take the fat drippings from the meat we cook to make oils. I've got some lavender that needs a couple more days to dry. Then, I'll make a lavender oil which we can use to rub into joints. The smell is soothing, too. Same goes for rose. Skullcap is one of the best herbs for treating anxiety, but from what we have seen, it doesn't grow around here."
Octavia digests the information. They had plenty of chamomile on hand. Valerian, too. "I'll ask Lincoln about the skullcap."
"That would be great," Clarke replies. She gives Octavia a stern look. "If you decide you need to make a tea or an oil for someone, just run it by me or my mom first, okay?" Octavia nods. She still has a lot to learn about medicine, but she knows enough to know that certain combinations of herbs could be deadly. She has Lincoln, however, and he knows just as much about herbs, if not more, than Clarke and Monty.
They have finished organizing the herbs and are exchanging small talk about camp happenings while rolling a basket of clean bandages when Octavia can't hold back any longer.
"Clarke, I'm worried about Bellamy," she blurts out. Clarke stops mid-roll and looks at Octavia who rushes on before Clarke can stop her. "I know you hate him. I don't blame you. I don't exactly like him either, even though I love him more than anything. It's just… Clarke… I'm worried about him. He's not okay."
Clarke takes a deep breath before she responds.
"Bellamy made his bed. Now he has to lie in it." And I don't hate him, she adds to herself.
Octavia sighs. It's at least a better turn of phrase than the one Bellamy used. "I know," she admits. She can hear the commotion outside the bay growing louder. "Sounds like its dinnertime."
"You go on," Clarke tells Octavia. "You've been a huge help today. Go spend some time with Lincoln. I'm going to finish this up. I'll be right behind you." Octavia looks at her for a long moment, and then nods. She's quiet as she leaves the medical bay. Only when Clarke is sure Octavia is gone does she allow herself to lean against the table, her mind racing.
She has noticed something is off with Bellamy. It's easy to miss, if you're not looking hard enough. But, she's looking. She knows he isn't sleeping. She sees it in the deep, dark circles under his eyes. He blends into the background when he used to stand out. He disappears from time to time, never for long, but long enough for her to notice. His eyes, once a raging ocean of emotions covering everything from terror to love, were blank, devoid, brown puddles of nothing.
"Stop it, Clarke," she tells herself sternly.
She doesn't want to care about Bellamy Blake. She doesn't want to worry about how little he seems to be sleeping or why he's become more of a wallflower than a centerpiece. She certainly doesn't want to wonder where he disappears to. He broke her heart. Shattered it, even. She can't let herself fall into that go there again.
She finishes her task, makes one last check of the overnight patients, and heads outside to join the others around the fire. Like months to a flame, she finds Bellamy almost right away. He's stooped down, conversing with one of the youngest children that came down with the Ark. He smiles a little as he talks to the little boy. The boy – she thinks his name may be Gregory – looks enchanted by Bellamy, amazed that the leader of the guards is taking time to talk to him.
With an affectionate ruffle of the boy's mousy hair, Bellamy stands and sends the child on his way. He turns and in that moment, his eyes meet Clarke's.
She sees it. She always sees it. His eyes always light up for a brief moment when they meet hers. She knows he's looking for a sign from her, a thawing of icy feels. All she needs to do is smile just a little, or maybe tilt her head in one of their unspoken gestures, and he would be at her side, once again begging for forgiveness. She can't smile. She won't tilt her head. She can't risk her heart again. Every time she has – with Bellamy, Finn, her father, even – it has been broken.
Even as she turns away, changing course for where Jasper and Monty are holding court, she sees him in her peripheral vision. His face falls, and his eyes go blank. It's less than 10 minutes later when she sees him stand from where he had joined Miller and a few other guards and excuse himself. They nod at whatever he says and remain where they are, laughing, talking, eating. She watches as Bellamy slinks into the shadows and disappears from view a few moments later.
It takes everything in her not to follow him.
She wishes she didn't still love him.