Chapter 15: Dreadful Feeling
Lyyr knew – in her gut – that Qui-Gon was truly her father. But she was determined to deny the familial connection, to herself and everyone else. She was stubborn like that; hanging on to a last defense even though she knew it was nothing more than a form of retreat. She wished she could just accept things like Anakin and Shmi did; especially Shmi, she never seemed to fight being a slave. Anakin had already embraced her new found family even though she wasn't ready to. He was also fully convinced that they both would be accepted by the Council and trained as Jedi, even though it was still an uncertainty.
If the Jedi took Anakin on as one of their trainees then Lyyr would agree to join the Order. After Mace made the offer Lyyr found a desire for that life growing within her. She saw joining the Jedi Order as a means of learning more about her biological mother and a part of her could not pass up that opportunity. Still, she thought it more likely that the Council would not accept Anakin as a trainee. If that happened then she would take her brother and build a new life for them.
For the remainder of the journey to Naboo Lyyr did her best to stay quiet and out of the way; only interacting with other people when it was asked of her. But otherwise she sat silently in an out of the way corner of the ships main room. Occasionally she would catch Obi-Wan looking over at her with a questioning gaze. She would return his look with a blank stare of her own; he could not hold her gaze for very long. Lyyr found that to be perversely amusing. He seemed to have been aggravated by her mere presence since Lyyr joined their party and she liked knowing that she could get under his skin so thoroughly.
She only interacted with everyone else when Captain Panaka called them to a meeting in the Queen's quarters. As she entered the chambers Lyyr looked around for Padmé. She had not seen the young handmaiden since they first arrived on Coursant. Padmé, however, was not there. Two different handmaidens stood behind the Queen, Sabe and Eirate, she thought their names were.
Remembering her suspicions about the Queen, Lyyr studied her face and what she realized made her bite her lip to stop herself from laughing aloud. Queen Amidala is certainly more than she appears to be, Lyyr thought with amusement impressed by the young woman's cleverness. She would have to remember to ask Padmé what her full name was.
The conversation with Lyyr did not go as smoothly as he had expected; he did not think he had accomplished anything by it. An impression that was only reinforced by Lyyr's silent withdrawal from everyone on board the ship. Over the next few days he began to sense a steady change in Lyyr's feelings towards him. She seemed to be gradually accepting the truth, she seemed happier as well, and for that, he was glad.
Qui-Gon was disappointed that that she had not immediately embraced him as her father. He had harbored the thought that they would instantly rekindle a father/daughter relationship. He realized how unrealistic it was but couldn't keep himself from believing it might be possible. Qui-Gon would have to try and rebuild the relationship they should have had from the start; for now he was content with just knowing Lyyr. It amazed him that she was still willing to try and trust others despite everything she had been through. It showed great strength of character on her part.
The Queen had finally announced the full extent of her intention to return to blockade Naboo. Qui-Gon had his reservations about what she purposed; although he admired her daring. He would not be the Jedi he had become without those reservations. Besides, knowing Jar Jar he could not help but worry that the use of a Gungan army would prove unwise. Qui-Gon would keep such thoughts to himself, however, and trust that the Queen knew what she was putting into motion.
As soon as they landed on Naboo they went in search of Jar Jar's people and Qui-Gon briefly wondered about what sort of reception they could expect to receive. The Gungan leaders certainly weren't very welcoming to Binks the last time they were in the underwater city. It was an interview Binks had to do on his own and so the party waited on his return by the edge of the lake. Qui-Gon fell into a pensive mood as he waited on Jar Jar's return and that was the state of mind that Obi-Wan found him in.
"Do you think the Queen's plan will work?"
"The Gungans will not easily be swayed and we cannot use our power to help her." Qui-Gon answered, adding the last to prevent Obi-Wan from getting any bright ideas.
"I'm..I'm sorry about my behavior master." Obi-Wan began hesitantly "It's not my place to disagree with you about the boy."
"What of your suspicions towards Lyyr," Qui-Gon prompted him.
"Ah, yes I am sorry about that as well," Obi-Wan replied ducking his head to hide his blush. He obviously had not thought that Qui-Gon knew nothing about his feelings towards Lyyr. "I am grateful that you think I am ready to face the trails." He continued not trying to give any excuses for his behavior just accepting that he was in the wrong.
Qui-Gon watched the young Jedi for a long moment realizing that the young man had fulfilled all of his expectations and then some. In that moment Qui-Gon was extremely proud of Obi-Wan.
"You have been a good apprentice," Qui-Gon finally spoke placing a hand on Obi-Wan's shoulder. "You are much wiser than I, Obi-Wan. I foresee you will become a great Jedi." Even as he said it, he knew that it was true. Obi-Wan looked momentarily stunned by what Qui-Gon said but recovered quickly.
Over Obi-Wan's shoulder he could see Lyyr watching them. From the speculative look in her eyes, it was obvious that she had overheard their conversation. She stood there chewing on her lip for a moment before catching Qui-Gon's eye. She nodded then and gave him a small but genuine smile. It was an encouraging sight and he wanted to talk to her but Jar Jar returned just then.
"Dare-sa nobody dare. All gone. Some kinda fight, I think. Sorry, no Gungans...no Gungans." He concluded shaking his head mournfully and sounding very confused.
"Could the droids have found them?" Panaka began to speculate. Jar Jar was quick to shoot that theory down.
"No…mesa no think so. Gungan hiden. When in trouble, go to sacred place. Mackineeks no find them dare." With that, they were on their way, and any chance to talk with Lyyr vanished.
She was astonished and memorized by now different this planet was from what she knew. Lyyr had never before seen so many green and growing things outside of a holonet projection. She had no idea that the atmosphere could be so heavy with moisture. It all puzzled her greatly and like on Coursant her senses were assaulted at every turn. Unlike on Coursant Lyyr was enjoying the experience.
A desire to go exploring overwhelmed her. She wanted to know what it would feel like to submerge herself in one of the ponds they passed, how comforting it would be to lay down in the lush grass or if she could accomplish the feat of climbing a tree. Lyyr promised herself that she would do those things with Anakin as soon as there was time.
She followed along not caring where she was led, barely noticing anything going on around her as she tried to keep her mind from wandering. She did not realize that they had found the Gungans hiding place. Lyyr paid no mind to the weapons pointed at her and the rest of the Queen's party with hostile suspicion. She had fallen towards the back of the party. Her lagging was partly due to being lost within her own thoughts and partly out of a conscious desire not to have those thoughts intruded upon. Unknowingly she placed herself at the back of the group near the Jedi.
Lyyr had discovered that if she cleared her mind of all distractions she could sense whispers of others thoughts. The quieter she made her own mind the clearer those thoughts became to her. She wanted to test the limits of this new ability. Lyyr pushed her 'awareness' out in on direction then the other only stopping when she sensed someone's alarm. She quickly pulled her awareness back to herself hoping that the other mind she had encountered did not realize what she had been doing. She was fairly certain that whoever she had stumbled upon would not appreciate the intrusion.
"You should pay attention to what's in front of you," Qui-Gon leaned over and whispered in her ear. Lyyr smiled apologetically but did not bother to look at him. Her attention was brought back to what was going on in time to see Padmé make her way to the front of the group.
"Your Honor" – They young handmaiden interrupted the queen midsentence.
"Whosa dis?" Boss Nass demanded sounding confused and irritated by it.
"I am Queen Amidala," Padmé announced.
The girl's announcement did not surprise Lyyr at all; in fact she found herself smothering a chuckle. The Jedi must have heard her for they both gave Lyyr a startled look.
"You should pay better attention to what's in front of you," she whispered cheekily back to Qui-Gon.
The Gungans were swift to offer their help after the girl's impassioned plea. They were all soon discussing plans for the impending battle. Lyyr found herself overcome with an awful feeling deep in the pit of her gut almost as if she would be sick. It came upon her suddenly and so fiercely that she physically took a step back from everyone else. She clenched her jaw repetitively to keep herself from vomiting.
She made no effort to help with the planning knowing that she would not be able to add anything of value. She had no concept of strategy and doubted that skills she learned as a slave would be useful. So she watched silently attempting to quell the sudden turmoil in her stomach as well as learn.
As the time to put their plan in action grew closer the uneasiness in her gut intensified. She as amazed that she could watch the strike team prepare to leave for Theed without ducking in the bushes to be sick. Qui-Gon insisted that Anakin and her go to Theed with them even though they would not be able to contribute anything to the battle. Perhaps knowing that she would be useless in the upcoming fight was causing her anxiety. Captain Panaka did not hesitate to establish her general incompetence for everyone to see.
"What help will you be?" He demanded. Panaka did not even wait for her to respond before continuing impatiently. "I need to know if I have to assign someone to protect you and honestly I don't have anyone to spare."
"I can look after myself," she bristled. Panaka raised an eyebrow then snorted disdainfully.
"Look girl we're up against droids with blasters. You'll be dead before you could use whatever provincial skills you think you have. Do you know how to fire a blaster?"
"I've fought aliens in hand to hand combat on a daily basis, how difficult could firing a blaster be?" She shot back. Apparently that was the wrong response, for instead of looking relieved Panaka only looked furious.
"Do not worry about her Captain," Qui-Gon interjected coming to Lyyr's rescue. "I will look after her."
"See that you do, I have my hands full as it is." Panaka snapped testily. Qui-Gon nodded in sympathy while steering Lyyr away from the stressed captain.
"I did not realize how useless I'd be," Lyyr murmured dejectedly. Her anxiety and the pit in her stomach making her feel depressed.
"Do not allow Panaka's preoccupation to discourage you." Qui-Gon advised her. "He is focused on his primary objective – keeping the Queen safe. I have the feeling that you are needed even if Panaka does not."
"I cannot even properly defend myself Qui-Gon, how could I possibly be of any use?" She retorted determined to focus on the negative. He watched her for a moment then smiled. An odd expression to have now of all times and it not only confused Lyyr but irritated her as well. She muttered darkly under her breath.
"Come now, you give yourself too little credit Lyyr," he admonished her. "Without any training in self-defense you've fought in weekly if not daily death matches and have managed to survive relatively unscathed." She looked at him sharply and his smile only widened.
"I've asked Anakin," was his explanation.
"He loves to tell stories, exaggerating everything beyond reasonable belief." Lyyr retorted dismissively.
"Perhaps," was the only reply the Jedi made. That made Lyyr wonder what kind of stories had Anakin been telling and just how big of an audience did he have.
Qui-Gon sighed then capturing Lyyr's wandering attention. She glanced over at him in time to see him remove two lightsabers from his belt. She gave him an extremely puzzled look when he reached for her hand.
"This once belonged to your mother Lyyr and I had hoped that I could give this to you under different circumstances," he explained with a wry smile placing the smaller of the two alloy cylinders in her palm. "I know that she would want you to have this. Now if you are willing to learn I will teach you what I can in the short time we have."
Not knowing what to say Lyyr nodded her agreement. Her grip tightened involuntarily around the alloy cylinder then she deliberately ignited the weapon, realizing that she had reached a crossroads in her life. Moreover, that she had placed her feet down a path from which there would be no turning back. Lyyr shouldered the responsibility implied by her acceptance of the lightsaber without a second thought. The sickness in her stomach settled a little as everything felt undeniably right about holding the weapon.