Chapter 18: Farewells

Burning, his body was burning and he half expected to feel the heat of the fire while the flames danced across his flesh leaving it blackened and charred. Naturally he felt nothing; he was beyond such mundane considerations. Still he expected some sort of sensation and the lack of it took him off guard. Apparently there was much about death that he needed to get use too.

One would expect that watching his own funeral, to actually see his body on the burial pyre, would unnerve or at least alarm him. It was unnatural yet he found it oddly comforting. This moment was proof that all he had believed in was true. He dedicated his life to the ways of the Force and was relieved to find that now he had become one with it His devotion to the Living Force had not failed him and he felt a certain smug satisfaction at that. He may be dead but he was still human and not above a little gloating.

Those who had doubted him accused him of being a Gray Jedi as if it was some sort of affliction. They had called him a maverick. Disapproving whispers about his independent nature had always followed him, many proclaiming it would bring him to an unfortunate end. As he watched the flames consume his flesh it occurred to him that those how gainsaid him would view his death as vindication for their whispers. But he did not see it that way; instead he only saw how bull-headed and short sighted his fellow Jedi had become. They were so focused on tradition too consumed by their own self-righteousness that they failed to see what went on beneath their very noses.

As luck would have it being a maverick placed him in a unique position to help the Jedi. The only problem would be getting someone to acknowledge him.

He just needed to find the right person. Master Yoda was a good option; out of all the Jedi he was the most in tune with all aspects of the Force. He also had the most flexible mind. Yet there was also a chance that Lyyr could sense him. After all who was more capable of sensing Qui-Gon than his own daughter? Trained or not Qui-Gon was certain that he could capture her attention. She had already heard him speaking to her in the docking bay; with just a little more effort he could become visible to her as well. Afterwards it was just a matter of convincing her that she had not gone insane.

Apparently a Jedi's work was never done, even in the afterlife.

She had just started to feel safe enough to open up and throw aside her suspicions, then the rug had been pulled out from underneath her. Qui-Gon was the reason Lyyr felt comfortable enough to lower her façade. She had done her best to appear indifferent towards the man but that was not the case; he had wormed his way into her affections. In the past few days she had decided to try and trust the Jedi, but with Qui-Gon's death she found herself once again wrestling with uncertainty. Instinctively she felt it was safe to trust the Jedi, yet life had taught her to be cautious of whom she trusted. Truthfully, at this point she was just being stubborn out of habit. The fact that deep in her gut she felt safe to trust the Jedi was all the reassurance Lyyr needed. That still did stop her from hiding in the shadows and worrying herself into a knot.

She became aware of whispering somewhere behind her. A slight turn of her head brought Anakin and Obi-Wan into her line of sight. She eavesdropped shamelessly as Anakin asked the young man what was going to happen now. Although she heard the Jedi Knights answer she did not pay any attention to it.

Moving her head had brought the burial pyre further into her immediate line of sight and the flames mesmerized her. She stared at them or rather stared through them. So enchanted by the flames was Lyyr that she began to see shapes within the flickering light. She imagined that a shimmering form stood on the other side of the pyre looking down on the burning body, for a moment she thought it was Qui-Gon.

Blinking rapidly Lyyr scolded herself for her stupid sentimentality. That wasn't possible; it was just a manifestation of her guilt. When she looked again the apparition was gone. Instead of feeling relieved she felt a pain of longing. Thankfully before she could dwell on that she was distracted by the sound of Master Yoda talking to Windu. Again Lyyr shamelessly eavesdropped on another conversation.

"There is no doubt," Windu remarked, "they mysterious warrior was a Sith."

"Always two there are, no more, no less. A master and an apprentice," Master Yoda acknowledged sounding resigned to the fact.

"But which was destroyed, the master or the apprentice?" Windu asked. There appeared to be no answer to that question at least none that Yoda was willing to give.

Lyyr turned further towards the two masters watching them for a moment then turned to look out at the stars. She sat there with her back to the pyre staring into the vast expanses of the galaxy. Eventually the pyre burned down to nothing but embers.

Queen Amidala and her routine were among the first to leave, followed shortly by the Chancellor. Lyyr moved herself further into the shadows cast by the pillar as people left. She did not want to draw anyone's attention to herself. The Jedi Council's representatives were the next to leave. They left without a backward glance and Lyyr envied their ability to let go with so little hesitation. When Obi-Wan and Anakin finally left she was not surprised that neither one of them noticed her. Lyyr did not leave her perch until she was certain that everyone had gone.

She walked directly to the pyre. There was one last thing she had to settle before she could bring herself to say goodbye. She stood there examining the last burning embers in the ashes of what was left of a great man. Slowly the tears she had kept locked up since her breakdown began to crawl down her cheeks.

"I was afraid of knowing you," she admitted with a soft murmur. "I knew I would lose you, just like I've lost everyone I cared for," she paused then a lump forming in her throat. Lyyr did not admit to sentiment as a rule; she knew intimately how one's personal attachments could be wielded as a weapon by others. "I did not want to be hurt. I'm so sorry I couldn't get past that."

Lyyr fell silent then lost in her thoughts. Faintly she became aware of a presence standing behind her. She turned around to find herself face to face with Obi-Wan. She stared at the Jedi Knight for a long moment before returning her attention to the pyre.

"I thought I was alone." She said over her shoulder. Obi-Wan came to stand beside her before saying anything.

"I sensed you hiding in the shadows of that pillar. I came back to make sure you were alright."

"I'm fine." She quipped not bothering to look at him. In fact she was actively trying to ignore his presence at her side. He didn't bother to respond to that allowing his silence to speak for him. Lyyr never had any objections to silence and was more than willing to wait him out.

"I am sorry Lyyr," he eventually murmured.

"For what," she inquired genuinely surprised by the Jedi Knight's confession.

"He was more of a father to me than he ever could be to you."

"There is no need for you to apologize for that Obi-Wan."

"There isn't?"

"No, there isn't," she reassured him. As far as Lyyr was concerned Obi-Wan had absolutely nothing to apologize for; if anyone was at fault it was herself. "I only regret that I did not tell him how much it meant to me to find out that I have a father."

"I thought you didn't believe them," Obi-Wan murmured half-accusatorially.

"I did not want to, at first, but I have known that they were right all along." Lyyr admitted. He did not reply to that and silence fell between them once more.

…..

Lyyr deliberately avoided the celebration of Naboo's fiercely won peace. As she explained to Amidala and Jar Jar, then again to Anakin and Obi-Wan, she had done nothing of great importance during any of the battle. They did not consider it reason enough for her to not participate; reluctantly Lyyr conceded that they had a point but she still refused to attend. She did not want to make a spectacle out of herself and knew that if she went she would not be allowed to blend in with the crowd.

Instead of participating she wandered one of the palace's many water gardens paying scant attention to a holonet broadcasting of the celebration on a datapad she had borrowed from Padmé. Watching on the datapad was rather redundant since she could clearly hear the music and the crowds cheering from where she stood.

She would be leaving as soon as the parade was over and Lyyr was set on experiencing some of the beauty of this planet before having to live as a padawan in the Jedi Temple. Moving into the Temple was a transition she was not entirely looking forward to. The Council did not feel like discussing with Lyyr how her apprenticeship would work or who her mentor would be. Lyyr could live with uncertainty, she did not know if she could adjust to living with the Jedi.

Lost in her thoughts she sat on the edge of one of the many fountains, tracing a pattern into the water with her fingertips.

Am I really going to be a Jedi, she thought with bemusement unable to account for the changes in her life. Could an insolent guttersnipe, to stubborn to lie down and know when she was beaten, really amount to anything more? Do I even have the right to claim such a life?

"Of course you do," a familiar voice on the breeze chided her, answering her unspoken doubts. "Are you not the daughter of two Jedi? Who better than you to become one. Embrace your parent's legacy Lyyr, it is your destiny."

My parents, she thought an image of Qui-Gon appearing in her mind accompanied by the image of a woman that she could only assume was Veira Dysar, her mother. She did not know her parents, but in time she would come to and if nothing else living with the Jedi would help her to accomplish that much. It seemed a small comfort in the midst of her general unease but it warmed her and brought a smile to her lips.

Perhaps I am not as alone as I think I am.

"I have a good feeling about this," she murmured aloud. Lyyr swore that she felt Qui-Gon's delighted chuckle at that confession.