Chapter 4

Watching Caroline's interaction with her unborn child, Kate knew that her decision to come back to the wedding had been the right one. Her doubts disappeared. She knew that Caroline would love her child, their child, and would protect and look after them both. It was understandable that Caroline had been unsure about taking this step with her, of course it was, and Kate realised now that the pressure she had put Caroline under had been selfish. While she couldn't regret her pregnancy, she knew that the way she'd gone about it hadn't really been her. The need to be somebody's mum had overwhelmed her, taken over everything. She had watched, for years, while her friends had got married, had babies, been happy. But it had been different for her. After four miscarriages and a divorce, there wasn't really much to talk about with her school friends, university friends, and as she got older, work friends even. This thing, this deficiency, isolated her from them; almost all the women she knew had passed the test and gained admission to a club from which she, for some reason, was barred. And she genuinely hadn't wanted to do it by herself. It was only when Caroline had asked her to move in permanently, that she'd become obsessed with what she had seen as her last chance. Even after Caroline was no longer part of the equation, she hadn't been prepared to give up this last chance. It seemed almost absurd now, that she would have risked this, this precious thing, with Caroline, but she couldn't regret the gift of this life growing inside her.

Kate looked down at Caroline, the contentment and deep rooted sense of belonging swelling inside her. She reached out and stroked Caroline's hair, drawing it away from her face so she was able to see her. Kate saw the tears brimming in Caroline's eyes and opened her arms, inviting Caroline to them. Caroline shifted in her seat, leaning back into Kate's arms and resting her head on Kate's chest. Closing her eyes, Caroline simultaneously willed the tears away and let them flow. Kate enveloped Caroline in her arms with a brutal tenderness.

"I came back because I realised that things would be different, now." Kate kissed the top of Caroline's head. "You were always such a closed book, Caroline – before, you know, us, I used to look at you and wonder what you were thinking. You were so private, you didn't give anything away. Even after we'd started... after I'd moved in, I always had a sense that you sort of withdrew from me, from us, when the conversation, the argument sometimes, got to a certain point. You worked things out, in your head, by yourself, and then shared them with me – we were never... a team, I guess. But tonight, I saw something else. When you talked about your mum, and Alan, you were different. You were honest and open and there was no hiding somehow. Does that make sense?" Kate stroked Caroline's hair as she talked, still holding her securely. There was a pause before Caroline responded.

"I'm learning, Kate." Caroline wanted to turn to see Kate's face but these conversations, she was starting to find, were easier when Kate couldn't study hers. She focused on the leg of the coffee table. "And I'm trying. I'm learning to fight that part of myself that wants to detach when things get uncomfortable. And I've spent a lot of time thinking about the things I'm not very good at." Caroline exhaled and turned her face into Kate's shoulder, finding Kate's warm skin at the wide neckline of her dress.

Kate tightened her arms around Caroline, dipped her head down and kissed Caroline's forehead softly. She waited for Caroline to continue, knowing that this needed to go at Caroline's pace. Caroline lifted her head and reached up to Kate's lips, planting a kiss, gently but expressively, sending an ever so slight shiver through Kate's body. Feeling the visceral reaction to her kiss, Caroline was encouraged to continue.

"I've spent such a long time trying to avoid things, trying to avoid how I really feel, how I feel at all, that unlearning that habit, Kate, is... it's hard. No one's ever wanted me to be different before, certainly no one at school has ever been interested in anything that might be underneath the 'Head teacher' part of me. And John?" Caroline shook her head. "John was selfish, I was selfish, we both did our own thing and I had the boys and...I don't know... it was just how things were. There were times, I think, when my mother tried to talk, I mean really talk, to me, but I don't think she really knew how to do it either. She'd been so unhappy for so long too."

"Too?"

Caroline was puzzled by Kate's question for a second, before she realised that Kate wanted her to admit how unhappy she had been. To herself. To both of them.

"Yes, as well as me. I didn't really know how unhappy until John left and it didn't really feel any different. I mean, I felt humiliated and I was worried about the boys and what people would think and I felt worthless Kate," Caroline shut her eyes briefly, "but I didn't actually miss him. I noticed his absence, not emotionally, but... just ...things were...different. And then it dawned on me how... grey... my life had become. It wasn't awful, I mean, John and I argued, fought even, but it wasn't violent and I had a beautiful home, beautiful children, my mother, my job. But it wasn't exciting. It wasn't filled with love and laughter and possibilities. I turned myself, somehow, somewhere along the way, into someone who couldn't do those things." Caroline stopped talking and looked at Kate. She moved back a little, enough for Kate to release her, and took Kate's face in her hands, "And then you came along."