Chapter 5
A/N Thanks for all the reviews and comments - all very much appreciated, particularly as I have never written like this before. This isn't the end of this story (despite the last line sounding as though it might be) - I have a lot more to say in my efforts to forget some of the decisions made in series 3...
Caroline hoped that this time, she'd got the words right, that she'd said them in the right way, without appearing foolish, or fraudulent. She needed Kate to understand the difference she had made to her life, and to the boys' lives by extension, and for her to understand that she knew it too. That she didn't see Kate as an optional extra, that there was nothing optional about Kate's place in her life. Her brow furrowed and she pressed her lips together, waiting for some sense from Kate that she had got it right, or at least some way towards right.
Kate blinked slowly and looked at Caroline's face as though there were nothing else. She studied the oceans that were Caroline's eyes, marvelling at the complexities of the worlds she found there. The dejected Caroline she had seen earlier had vanished, forever if she was going to have anything to do with it, and had been replaced with someone not unlike her Caroline, but not exactly like her either. Kate brought her hands up to meet the backs of Caroline's and smiled.
"I did." Kate's voice, steady and present, reassured Caroline. It seemed as though she were not doing too badly; she returned Kate's smile, exhaling and feeling some of her tension dissipate. Kate allowed Caroline to weave their fingers together and bring their hands down to rest on her bump; both women were again quiet for a time. After several minutes, Caroline shifted round in her seat and rested her elbow on the back of the sofa, looking at Kate. She extended her arm, brushing the side of Kate's face with the backs of her fingers, and then brought her hand to rest in Kate's hair, allowing her thumb to gently caress Kate's temple. Kate's eyes closed and she leant into Caroline's touch.
Caroline had felt the loss of Kate, after that weekend, more deeply and more completely than she had ever felt anything before. It had taken over everything, overwhelmed her, and during the time she and Kate had been apart, she was sure that her staff had noticed a sharp reduction in the time it took for the dragon to initiate fire-breathing. In fact, she knew that they had because even she had noticed the sideways glances and even more hushed whispering and abruptly ended conversations upon her entry to a room or appearance in a corridor. It had only been Beverley who had tried to make things easier for her; she'd just become further removed from the remainder of the staff. Even her Deputy Heads had kept their distance, not wanting to risk anger or probably what they might think more unspeakable, tears. But it was in her personal life that she had felt most bereft; Kate had begun to form a relationship with both boys on their own terms and was part of Caroline and her whole life, in a way that John had never been. For so many years, Caroline had grown so much into her role as Head Teacher, she had forgotten how to shake off that exterior when she got home and John had certainly never helped her take a step back from being the disciplinarian. Kate was different; Kate wanted to see her softer side and needed to see the vulnerable her. Kate wanted an equal partnership and Caroline now realised that when she thought she was actually shielding Kate, she was actually just hiding and controlling things. She needed Kate and she hadn't realised how much until she'd blown it.
"I won't hide this, Kate, I mean it. I just won't. I don't care what the staff room thinks or what the governors think or what my mother thinks or John or the staff at the hotel," looking emphatically at Kate with wide eyes, her voice becoming louder and the words coming out more and more quickly. "They can cast their judgments, shake their heads, call the newspapers for all I care. That's it. I'm finished with trying to make other people happy and being so damn unhappy myself." Caroline stood up in frustration and marched over to the window where she looked out, hands on her hips, breathing quick, short breaths. "Let's face it, my mother probably isn't going to be happy, right now. But I hope she will be. Soon. One day." She paused and took another short breath, still looking out of the window, taking in the people gathering in the courtyard below, having a cigarette, waiting for a taxi, looking up at the sky and the gently falling snowflakes. "And I think the boys are ok. William definitely is, I think he'd be happy whatever as long as I was. But I think Lawrence will be ok too." Caroline gripped the window sill tightly and leant forwards. "But...it is hard, Kate. To be brave about this." She spoke more quietly now, her head bent. Kate pushed herself up out from the comfort of the sofa, with effort, and closed the gap between her and Caroline. She stood against Caroline, pushed her fingers between Caroline's elbows and body and wrapped her arms around her, resting her chin on Caroline's shoulder.
"You don't have to do it by yourself." Kate added softly, nestling her face against Caroline's neck and planting soft kisses there. "I'm here. I came back and that's it. I shouldn't have left. I shouldn't have left that first time after your mother...you know... but even more than that, I shouldn't have done it here, that weekend. What I said to you, Caroline, it was awful of me. And I'm sorry, I'm sorry for hurting you so carelessly, but I'm more sorry for just walking away and leaving you like that. I knew it would hurt you, I knew, every time I saw you after that, at work, when you came to my house, that I'd hurt you, that you were shattered and I hate myself for doing that to you. And I'm sorry. I need you to understand why I did it and I want to tell you. Not now, but tomorrow or the day after, or the day after that. Right now, I need you to understand that I won't do that again – I am never going to just walk away from you, from us again. I'm sorry that I made you lose faith in me, that you might not be able to trust me again, that you might not believe that I won't leave you again." Kate held her arms firmly around Caroline and kissed her neck again, pressing her face deep into Caroline's neck.
Ignoring the moisture gathering in her own eyes, Caroline was suddenly conscious of the dampness of Kate's face at her neck and twisted herself around in Kate's arms to face her. Seeing the agony in Kate's eyes, Caroline slipped her hands up to Kate's face and tried to stem her tears with her thumbs. Holding Kate's face in her hands, Caroline kissed her lips, her cheeks, her eyes, before returning, more tenderly this time, to her lips. As their lips separated, Caroline rested her forehead lightly against Kate's, the tips of their noses touching.
Caroline's voice became a whisper; she almost couldn't ask, but she knew that it had to be said and she knew she had to hear Kate say it. "Promise me, Kate, that whatever happens, however difficult things get, that you won't ever just leave. That you'll always talk to me, however difficult that might be, that whatever each day brings, each night will bring us home, together, to sleep next to each other, you and me. Whatever happens, Kate." There was silence for a moment. The two women, eyes locked, breathing together.
"I promise." Kate's eyes told Caroline all she needed to know and she gathered Kate into her arms exhaling slowly. Caroline felt the calm that had been evading her all these months slowly seep through her body, flushing out the bitterness, the resentment and the anger. Kate's words had readied the hole that had been ripped inside her for repair. There would need to be more talking and a lot more forgiving, but the gap was bridged and Caroline dared to hope.