Disclaimer: I do not own Victorious
Chapter 4: The only way out (Dive deeper)
Jade P.O.V.
"So why the fuck did Vega show up at my house today to tell me that you're fucked up?" Beck's voice sounds so unfamiliar over the phone. He sounds cold and distant nothing like he is when we're together. When we're together he's loving and he doesn't care about the rest of the world, just me. But yet he sounds harsh and hateful.
"Hell if I know. It's not like I asked her to go to you." I respond to him; oddly enough my voice is incredibly even. It's been two hours since the brown-haired pest left my house and I couldn't be more grateful, although I am a little pissed that she went to Beck. Like on some real shit why would you do that? What right does she have spreading what I do as an extracurricular activity? Not that I care all that much, I mean come on I'm a bitchy, sarcastic, tough Goth, would it really surprise you if I did drugs every once in a while? Not that I'm proud, of course I'm not, but it's just the way life is. "Listen, I don't want to fight so ca-"
"I don't want to fight either babe but just tell me what the hell happened." He counters. On the other end of the phone I can hear him moving around in his RV.
"She caught me." Plain and simple.
"Caught you doing what?" He inquires with true honesty.
"What do you think Beck?" I yell at him. What the world doesn't know is that each and every one of our fights is a direct result of this kind of stupidity. What the public sees as me constantly snapping at Beck but what it really happens is me reaching my breaking point due to his idiocy. I love him but sometimes he is too much; when he asks questions like this it makes me want to explode.
"Well if I knew why would I ask? Dammit Jade I'm just trying to get some fucking answers I don't understand why you're going to be mad when you're the one being too vague."
"I'm being too vague?"
"Yes you are." An odd silence falls over us; it's neither despised nor wanted but it just hangs there. It may have been seconds, minutes, or even hours before I hear him sigh. "I'm sorry Jade, I should never snap like that." I remain silence and he takes that as his cue to continue. "Now please just…just tell me what happened."
"She caught me-" The very words of my reality hurt. I don't think I really ever thought about what I was doing, I never put any thought into it, I always figured that was just my life. Life with drugs, life with happiness, it's what I wanted. "She caught me shooting up this morning." The words bring a new relief with them but also a new burden, it's as if I've and a fifty pound weight lifted from my shoulders only to have a hundred pounds replace it.
"I'm sorry I don't think I quite understood that. What did she catch you doing?" He sounds naïve but he's not; he knows damn well what I said.
"Shooting up…" I seethe through my teeth. "At school, she caught me shooting up."
"How could she catch you?"
"Umm she walked through the door and saw me. She took me home"
"She took you home? Why didn't you fucking tell me, do you know the shit I can get in for this? How could you be so stupid!"
"I wasn't paying attention; I thought I locked the door but apparently I didn't and she just waltzed in." My blood pressure rises and I feel my face getting hot when the magnitude of his words hit me. "How could I be so stupid? It was an honest mistake Beck, everyone has them!"
"An honest mistake, really a honest mistake? Her dad is a fucking cop! Do you kn-"
"Beck shut the fuck up, okay? Just shut up. This fucking yelling match isn't doing much more than adding to my already gigantic headache, so shut…the...fuck...up."
"Jade don't tell me to shut up. Do you know the shit he can do to m-"
"Beck listen to me. The only thing Vega can do is expose me, just me. Her daddy isn't gonna find any shit on you so calm your ass down. He's never going to find out about you." My voice shakes almost as bad as my hands are shaking; fucking side effects.
He sighs and I can just imagine what he's doing right now. He's probably sitting on his bed starring at something that's nonexistent and fidgeting. When he's upset he has difficulties staying still; honestly it's the most I've ever seen him react to something, he doesn't go out and punch stuff or people, he doesn't go work out, he doesn't break down and cry; all he does is sit and fidget. In all the years I've known Beck I've come to the conclusion that there are things I will never understand about him, he will always remain somewhat of a mystery.
"Babe you know that I love you right?" I don't want to answer. Things have been rough lately and I'm not actually sure that he loves me anymore. I know I'm a bit of a handful but he seems to want less and less to do with me. Ever since he started hanging out with some group of guys from UCLA, he hasn't been around and even when he is around he's not the same. I know it sounds hypocritical but he's fucked up. Like the only thing that matters anymore is the drugs, the parties, the money it's like our love was never there; like I was never there.
"I-I don't know anymore." The words crook out of my mouth with more pain than I expected.
"Jade I care about you, I love you it's just that- I love you I swear but…"
"But?" Here comes the pain.
"But I also care about myself and my future."
"What's that supposed to mean?!" God I sound like Cat.
"It means I can't get in trouble because of your fuck ups. I have so much to deal with." Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me? Is this asshole serious? He's more concerned with his own image and safety that he doesn't even give two fucks about me anymore.
"You don't love me you bastard!"
"Jade." He warns like I'm some sort of child that he has full control over.
"Oh don't fucking scold me, I'm not a fucking kid. I thought you cared about me Beck, I thought you were the one I was meant to be with but you're not the same guy anymore. I fell in love with a gentle sweet boy not the asshole you have become."
"Don't try to turn this on me Jade, I'm not the one-"
"Not the one doing what? You do everything I do and then some more. I followed you because I put my trust in you; I believed what you told me and look where I am now. Don't think you're a damn saint Beck because you're no better than the rest of the strung out people in this world, in fact you're worse because you encourage it."
"I don't force anything on anyone."
"But you encourage it! You supply it! You feed the obsession Beck! You may not be the only one to blame but you are not free of guilt." Anger is rushing through my blood and I can't do anything to stop the words that are coming out of my mouth. Although the words are cruel I kind of feel like it needs to be said. I don't think that Beck understands what he is or what he's doing.
"Do you want to break up?"
"What?"
"Do you want to break up? Yes or no Jade." A long pause follows his question.
"If I wanted to leave I would have left by now."
"Yes or no?" I'm so unhappy but I'm so safe with him. My place is by him, a role or not, it's at his side like it has been for the past three years.
"No."
"Good, now let's put this stupid ass argument behind us and go back to the way things were. You make me happy and I know I make you happy so there's no point in being angry."
"But don't you think we have some issues that maybe we should talk about?"
"Not really." He whispers. "There's nothing to talk about anymore and I don't want to hear it."
"You really didn't listen to a thing I said, did you?"
"Now that's not true-"
"Yes it is. You didn't listen to me at all. I may not want to break up but I think maybe we have to."
"Why?"Again his words are a whisper.
"Because you hurt me more than you make me happy." And that's it. That's the way I've been feeling for the past few months. The good times with Beck are really great and I love him but the sweet moments have lost their potency, I don't think their enough to outweigh the shitty times. Things have really changed between us and I'm sure there's anything else for me to salvage from our broken and torn relationship, not even a friendship. Over the past few months Beck has become a dealer to me and not much more, the sex is sloppy, the kisses chaste and our time together limited; nothing like it used to be. I think I knew that I lost my boyfriend a long time ago but I don't think I was ready to accept it. I don't think that I could have taken the pain and frankly I'm not sure I can take it now.
"But we're us. We're not always happy that's just our chemistry."
"I don't want us anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore."
"Jade I know that we have our ups and downs but come on this is stupid. You know were meant to be together, we work."
"No we don't, not anymore….It's over."
"But-"
"Beck…I love you but I can't do this anymore. We're broken and I don't think that we can keep doing this; I can't keep doing this. You will always have a place in my heart but you don't have my heart anymore. Take care of yourself Beck."
"If you hang up that fucking phone don't expect me to come back to you."
"I won't."
"Jad-" I end the call before he can even finish.
It's only moments before the entire situation hits me in the face. Tears well in my eyes as every possible emotion overwhelms me. I'm scared, I'm angry, I'm happy, I'm relieved, I'm disappointed, I'm embarrassed. I want it all to go away and I just want to feel numb. Without any thought I stand up and walk over to my bag. I take out all my books and fish out the gear from the bottom. I'm about to fix myself when there is a slight knock on my door. If fumble with the small bag of heroin but quickly toss it back in my bag before the door opens.
"Jadelyn I'm going out to a business dinner so don't do anything-"She pauses when I turn around to face her. "Oh gem, come here." It was the first time in years she called me that and whether it was the tracks of my tears that caught her off guard or the fact that I didn't have a sarcastic remark she didn't leave me that night instead she stayed.
A/N- I think that Jade should have a somewhat sympathetic mother since I envision her as not having self control. Anyway apologies as usual I'm a slightly, more than not, terrible person. I'll update when I can but you know how life gets so don't necessarily hold me to it. Reviews and anything of that nature are always welcome. So until next time-
JKJOKER