Who's up for some petty mudslinging?! FIGHT!

A/N: This spouted from another crazy convo with the flaminbae, Fullmetalgrigori. Love my flaminbae.
Half crack and half… something else.

Beware of cussing. Like. A lot. Major thanks to senwe, nicolethestrange101, and the anon who sent me tons of Spanish words~ All translations in all languages will be posted on my tumblr + let me know if I mistranslated.

Apartment AU~

Soul left for only fifteen minutes… Fifteen minutes! And yet he came back home to see the talking African Grey Parrot talking to the girl who lived in the balcony across from him. He'd been living next to her for years, and she was always out in either her living room or her balcony, watering the flowers that she grew. The first time that he heard her voice shouldn't have been with the bloody bird that BlackStar forced him to pet sit, and yet here they were.

He ducked behind his kitchen table, watching their exchange from a far, while a few words from her mouth drifted into his apartment from the open glass door.

"Urusai, kono baka yaro."

"Mabaho ang kiki mo, puke ng ina mo."

"Hueles a mierda."

Her sweet voice was everything that he could've ever imagined, compelling him out of hiding. He poked his head up and put his bags onto the table. When he looked up, the girl noticed him, and waved. Soul's hand shot up and waved back instantly. He turned slightly pink when he heard her giggles and cursed his rebellious body for disobeying him. His neighbor returned to the bird, the stupid bird, who he realized was talking non-nonsense back at her. It seemed to be everyday words, like "the" and "up", but moments later, his ears picked up a few more words in strange tongues.

"Khuyesos, za-ebees."

"Fan flens."

"Ssibal-seki."

"Bitch cunt, shut your whore mouth."

Wait. No. No no no no no NO. Did that bird just. Did that bird just cuss at her? Soul slapped himself in the forehead as he practically climbed over his table to get to his balcony. He threw the door to the side just in time to hear her voice clearly say—

"Vaffanculo—"

Exactly! The bird needed to… Wait what?!

She smiled as she continued, and her Italian translated in Soul's mind as she did. Figlio di puttana. Son of a whore. Soul almost threw himself off the side.

"What are you telling Silver?!"

"I told him to go fuck off. He's a cute bird." She smiled, leaning across her railing and resting her head on her knuckles. "Le con."

She speaks french, too? Soul started to squirm. "W-what does that mean?"

"Pizda. Chichi. Baltai. Pussy."

He could feel his ears starting to pink. "Wh-what are you saying?!" The bird next to him was struggling to speak, as if it were mentally constipated. It was quaking where it stood on its perch, seemingly unable to move a single feather. Soul looked back to his neighbor but she looked like she was holding back giggles.

"When I came back home today, the first thing I heard was just you, repetitively saying "dick" in both French and Italian to this little guy." As she gestured to Silver, he recoiled from her finger as if it were burnt. "Clearly you were getting frustrated, so I decided to do you a favor when you stepped out for parrot treats. That and the bird started cussing at me when I was watering my marigolds. Such vile language will wilt my poor darlings."

Soul stepped back from her. Who's the one with the vile language?!

She continued without noticing. "Just after you revved up your stupid, air polluting monster, I went outside to water Lidia—"

"You named your marigolds Lidia?"

"— when all of the sudden, this thing here catcalls me." Her face distorted into one of the most terrifying expressions that Soul had ever seen, and he, along with the bird, flinched away instinctively. "I was kinda enough to give it one more chance so I politely asked, 'Excuse you?' and it replied with, 'Shut up, bitch.'" She groaned into her hands. "Poor thing was corrupted before I could save its soul. Fear not, for I engaged it into battle. I said, 'Wanna start, pretty bird?' and it said, 'Fuckin' fight me.' That was really how it all started. I think it knows how to say 'dick' in about seven different languages now."

If a bird could sweat bullets, it was doing it right now.

The girl looked down at it and whispered, "Polly want a foot up its ass? Va te faire enculer."

It squawked, and escaped back into the safety of Soul's apartment. Meanwhile, Soul stood his ground, too shaken however to do anything else. He'd only known a few curse words in his mother tongue and his second language, "dick" and "fuck" were as far as he went.

But this girl? She spoke both Italian and Spanish beautifully, fluently, and almost poetically. Heck, she probably speaks all the other languages perfectly too! If she weren't telling Silver to go fuck itself, maybe Soul would've been a little… turned on?

"Th-this isn't my b-bird."

"I can tell, your complex doesn't allow pets."

"I'm.. I'm uh.. pet sitting."

"You should get back to that."

"Nice to meet you…?"

"Ravi de vous rencontrer egalement. Mon nom est Maka. Et vous?"

"Soul. Uh. Bonjour. I mean… damn… uh… I'm going. See yah around."

He slammed the glass door closed and together with Silver, they ducked behind the kitchen, watching Maka finish watering her flowers from the reflection of the microwave.

"That was freaking terrifying."

"You said it, bitch."

When BlackStar came by to pick up Silver that evening, he was greeted by a string of Japanese cussing, along with "Kin tama." Golden balls.

"Soul?! Why the fuck does my bird cuss in Japanese now?! I only ever English at it! Tsubaki is going to kill me!"

Silver and Soul were still in the kitchen. Soul peeked his head from the wall and shakingly pointed a finger at the balcony across from him. BlackStar sprang into action immediately, throwing the sliding door to the side and jumping across the balcony to Maka's, and ripped the door aside. Soul was horrified but he could only keep a safe distance from behind his curtains.

Maka had been on her couch with her long legs on her coffee table. She looked unsurprised as she continued to munch on her popcorn, tilting her head to the side to get a better look at the TV behind BlackStar. "I knew that shitty bird looked familiar."

"You! You mother cunt!"

"Yes, what is it?"

"You son of a shit.. you— you bastard's bitch's uncle's dick! You asshole licking—"

"Careful, it's dangerous to use all of one's vocabulary in the same breath."

"Tawagoto o taberu na, Maka!"

"Watashi wa, hijo ni oku no tawagoto o tabete tanoshinde itadaki arigatogozaimasu."

"Hijo de puta."

"Hija, yo es hija de puta, jódete."

"What? I don't understand. Silver, come here! I need back up!"

"Nah, Boss God, fuck this shit. You're on your own, that chick is scary." Silver spoke from behind Soul's leg, hidden from sight.

After a few more Japanese exchanges, BlackStar finishes it in English. "I-I'm going to leave n-now, and p-pretend I never saw you."

Maka placed one kernel of popcorn onto her tongue and licked off the butter. "Close the door on your way out."

BlackStar climbed the railing stiffly, returning to the safety of Soul's apartment and sunk into a chair in the kitchen. Before Soul closed the curtains after him, Maka wiggled her fingers at Soul, like a good bye. She mouthed "ta ta for now" and returned to her movie.

There was really no simple word that could describe what Soul was feeling. On one hand, Maka was a frightening force of nature who managed to shut up BlackStar, and on the other… well, he didn't know if there was such a feeling as being impossibly love and being completely terrified, all at once.