A/N: This fic has been edited for various reasons. For more detail, view the first chapter.
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Return Of The Nightmare
"Ah! Hello, Remus! Do take a seat. Lemon drop?" Albus said excitedly, as per usual, when Remus Lupin floo-ed into his office.
Remus, however, wasn't so excited. "Albus, you said this was about Harry. Severus floo-called me to gloat about how he's… how he's…" he paused, unable to say the words. "Please tell me he isn't, Albus. He's the only thing keeping me from… from going the same now."
Albus smiled softly at the werewolf, eyes twinkling. "Alas, that was merely a ploy, my boy. I have talked to Harry, and I must say I admire his motives. He has granted me permission to show you, and only you, our conversation in the pensieve," he explained, finishing with a gesture towards the stone basin in question. "Shall we go in, then?"
"If you're sure, Albus…" Remus replied uncertainly before he was washed away into the hospital wing of one hour ago.
God knows how long later, Remus emerged from the bowl with a strange look on his face. "I don't know whether to laugh or cry, Albus," said the man in a partially controlled distraught voice.
"I must admit my guilt in not noticing a single thing of this, Remus," the headmaster sighed, reaching for another lemon drop. "If you wish, you may see young Harry in the infirmary. I must ask you, however, to act as though he truly is insane on your way there, and until Harry gives you the all-clear."
"Consider it done, Albus," Lupin smiled softly.
Albus nodded sagely. "In the meantime, I will be questioning Arabella as to why I have not been informed of the abuse. As far as her reports go, both Dursley children were treated equally. Not particularly well, but equally."
And with that, the two men left on their separate journeys, never to see each other again… for a few hours, anyway.
"Oh! Aberforth, do take a seat!" Arabella Figg, resident crazy cat-lady exclaimed as an old wizard shot out of the floo and landed on his arse. Seriously, muggle fireplaces!
The wizard stood up, and with a small smile, patted the ash off of his robes (really, that chimney was in dire need of a clean!) "Arabella, this is Albus?"
She took on an owlish look. "Oh, Albus! Would you like a seat?"
Albus didn't need intelligence to notice how much more excited she had seemed at the idea of a visit from his brother than himself. Shaking off a pang of jealousy towards his brother – it was quite illogical, considering the man owned a bloody pub – Albus took the second nicest seat in the room. "Ah, thank you, Arabella. I just wanted to ask you a few questions, if I may?" he inquired, simultaneously scanning everything in the room for bugs with a few silent spells. None here, thankfully.
"Oh dear, Albus, what is wrong? I think Severus said something about young Harry being insane, you know," she said with a look on her face not uncommon among gossips.
Testing his acting, Albus let out a forlorn sigh. "Yes, it would appear that the loss of his godfather hit him quite hard. They were very close, you know. It just seems… odd that such a strong boy would snap because of that. So I came to ask for a detailed account of his home-life from you."
The woman nodded in that odd way senile old women do when faced with something serious, all the while stroking Mr Poodles (definitely a cat) in all the wrong places, making him scream. "Yes, you would," she said approvingly, still nodding. "Well, the first time I met him, he was nearly two. Petunia was busy for some reason or another, and he was very shy. Polite, but very shy. The exact opposite of his cousin, you know. Nice boy."
"And yet you still believed they were treated the same?" Albus asked.
Arabella looked affronted. "Well, of course," she exclaimed, waving around a dusty tin of tuna. "They were both treated the exact same distance from perfect!"
Albus Dumbledore's face fell into his palm with a loud SMACK.
Remus Lupin was just turning a corner a few corridors from the hospital wing when he came face to face with Severus Snape.
"Ah, if it isn't the werewolf," the potions master sneered.
"Hello to you too, Severus," Remus said politely, all the while wishing he could scream bloody murder at the Snivelling bastard.
The greasy git snorted and smiled sadistically. "Feeling lonely, Lupin? Now that your mutt is gone, and your brat gone down the bend? If you ask me, it was over fifteen years too late-"
A SMACK rang through the hall as Remus back-handed the man, genuine tears reaching his eyes. "SHUT UP, SNIVELLUS!" he screamed, before running through the halls to the hospital wing. As he ran, the only thoughts running through his head were how Harry could very well have been indeed that, considering what that snivelling bastard did to him and the rest of the Marauders.
When he was finally there, he slammed the door behind him and sank to the floor in despair. Looking up and searching for Harry, he saw the boy in question giving him a tiny nod. 'The all-clear,' Remus realised.
Remus staggered to his feet and walked heavily over to his best friend's son. Once the privacy wards had been erected, the werewolf finally succumbed to emotion. "Need any help with that snivelling, murderous, arrogant, greasy fuck, Harry, be sure to tell me," he said softly, voice trembling. "That bastard has done enough damage to the Marauders. It's time to get our own back."
The two spent a good few hours grieving, generally sobbing and yelling bloody murder, but let's move on, 'cause this is meant to be a humour story, not a bloody drama. Fuck's sake. The troublesome two shouldn't experience another bout of angst for a good few more chapters – er, I mean months – yet.
During the time after Harry James Potter was confined to the hospital wing for the holiday due to his 'insanity', various things happened. Firstly, no one remembered to tell Harry's friends of his 'condition', so when The Daily Prophet released a special edition going into all the gory details of Snivellus' statement, they were pissed. Not their trousers, unfortunately, because that would have made a good story. Or maybe they did?
Basically, as soon as one Ronald Bilius Weasley saw the article, he went into a jealous fit and wet himself during his spasms. Molly Weasley was, naturally, distraught at this, convinced her little Ronnie was dying of something. It took ten whole minutes for the boy to realise that this wasn't the time to get jealous at his friend's publicity, and then he went into a horror fit at what had happened to Harry, soaking his trousies even further. All the while, Ginerva Weasley wet her pants in a completely different way as she fingered herself through her short skirt and knickers at the breakfast table while gazing at the old picture of a fourteen year-old Harry used in the newspaper.
Needless to mention, daddy and Hermie were unimpressed with her sluttiness, and were glaring at her from across the table.
Anyway, Hermione dragged the Weasleys – including a still orgasming Ginny who was completely oblivious to her surroundings as she cried out in pleasure – through the floo and into the headmaster's office, where she proceeded to demand why she wasn't told about Harry's… confinement. As she did so, Arthur tried – and failed – to calm her and Molly down, Ron was still recovering from his fit (while muttering something about 'birds and bees' and 'fuck, I'm such a prick'), and Ginny was finishing off, much to her father's and headmaster's discomfort. The portraits were yelling at the blushing redhead to shut up (she was making a lot of noise, you know), while the Sorting Hat sobbed uncontrollably ("What did I do wrong? WHY, GOD, WHY?"), and Fawkes flashed away to McGonagall for better company.
Minerva McGonagall was sipping on her secret vodka bottle that she kept hidden under her desk when Fawkes arrived. The shock of someone catching her drinking her secret favourite drink, combined with Fawkes' sudden arrival, caused her to shriek like a cat in Ginny's current state and throw the vodka bottle into the air in fright. The bottle spilled everywhere before finally landing on Fawkes' head painfully, causing a pained squawk to make its way out of the phoenix's beak.
Alarmed at the sudden pain, Fawkes flashed away again, only this time to Hagrid. Unfortunately, Hagrid happened to be visiting Aragog at the time, and he barely flashed away before he was covered in web.
Fawkes this time arrived on the bar of the Hogshead. His sudden arrival caused Aberforth Dumbledore to grunt. "You here with a letter from my brother?"
When Fawkes trilled a no, Aberforth looked surprised. People didn't often come to him for company, after all. Finally, he nodded. "Tell you what, you take a letter to my old Figgy and I'll grab you a bottle of firewhiskey for free. Deal?"
Fawkes trilled happily.
After a bit of nagging (and Ginny ending her reign of… you know, and realising where she was), Albus allowed the redheads (and brunette!) to visit the supposedly insane saviour. But while Albus was content with this arrangement, as it got him away from insane teens (and one middle-aged couple), Harry was thoroughly annoyed.
He had been plotting with Lupin when the doors to the hospital wing slammed open and a sea of redheaded weirdos (and not so weirdo) and one brunette came washing through. Hermione flung herself at him and started her usual hello-I-was-so-worried-I-read-a-million-books-rant, complete with crazy hand gestures, completely forgetting that the boy she was ranting to was meant to be off his rocker. Ron stood back, adopting his lopsided grin, giving Harry a look that said 'yeah, she's barmy', Molly smothered Harry in a bone-crushing hug, and Ginny tried to snog him.
Now, Harry was a teenager. And any other teenage boy known as Harry Potter in fan fiction would likely have developed an instant attraction to the redhead, going as far as to have crazy sex right in front of her parents. But that's not for here.
Harry, doing his best to remain acting crazy, screamed and pushed her off of him the moment their lips locked. "Aaaargh! Albino Dementor! Help me! Help me god, help me!" he turned to Remus, grabbed his tie and yanked the man towards him. "Help me, Remus! You know I love you, baby!" he yelled seductively before kissing him on the lips.
Now, Harry is, as far as he's concerned, a straight boy. So, when he kissed his father's friend, it was fairly obvious that he didn't mean anything. To Remus, it was an obvious (if not awkward and completely mad) way of saying to the others, "Hey, I'm crazy, and I'm not attracted to that redheaded girl of yours over there. Kindly leave me the fuck alone."
However, to everyone else, it looked like A) there was some serious paedophilia going on, or B) Harry was definitely insane. Now, the supposedly gay men in question were after the latter response, but sometimes, you can't help but get a bit carried away with your pranks. And that's when they go to shit.
Thus, when they opened their lips and began exploring each other's mouths, it was perfectly reasonable for Molly to faint, Arthur to grow so pale he didn't even notice his wife's head cracking open and spilling her brains all over the floor, Ron to look like Hermione had just stripped in front of him, and Hermione to look slightly confused as to why they were revealing this now (and slightly giddy at the thought of a wedding).
On the other hand, the unreasonable (although expected) reaction from Ginny was… something. She screamed in horror, rage, and jealousy, and tried to pull the 'couple' apart, only for Remus' werewolf strength to keep them locked together as he began to run his hands through Harry's messy black hair. It was perfectly expected, again, for her to scream about how Harry was hers, Harry's not meant to be a 'poof' ("Homophobe!" spat Hermione), Harry's only able to fall in love with a redhead, blah blah blah, etc.
When they began feeling each other up, everyone except Hermione (who by this point was positively glowing at the idea of their wedding for some reason) and Molly ('cause she's DEAD, and was picked up by Arthur) ran for their lives, which you could say was the Marauders' plan. It wasn't, though; it just sort of happened.
When Harry and Remus finally pulled apart, Hermione had squealed in delight and pounced on them, demanding all the juicy details. She only stopped when 1) Remus told her he'd just responded for fun, since he rarely gets a chance for a good snog, and 2) when Harry pounced back at her and started to snog her.
If anything, this just made the girl happier, even though she 'knew' Harry was just reacting as his 'madness' compelled him to. After all, who doesn't appreciate a good snog? …Well, me, probably. Never had a snog before. Don't particularly care to, either. Eurgh.
Twas once they were left alone again and an awkward silence had filled the infirmary, when Remus admitted that "Harry, you know what? You're a damn good kisser."
The laughter that followed chased the tension away, although they didn't try again. They were willing to give it another go, though, if only to get a reaction from observers. Hopefully it wouldn't kill anyone next time, mind you.
The next to come through were the twins, who just apparated to Hogsmeade and walked straight there. They seemed ecstatic at the idea that their partner was completely starkers (mentally), and practically begged Harry to keep them updated on his ideas. Needless to say, Harry planned on letting them in on every single prank he did, intentional or no, this year.
The twins also ignored their mother's corpse on the floor, and eventually Madam Pomfrey came out of her office for lunch. She took one look at it and sighed before calling for a house elf. "We've got another one," she groaned, pointing at Molly's corpse. The house elf just nodded knowingly and vanished the corpse before popping away, and Madam Pomfrey buggered off to lunch.
Harry and Remus were scared.
Next up was Neville. Apparently, he'd just read the title before dashing off to check his friend wasn't suffering from the same 'madness' as his parents. He left relieved when he found out he was just going to be a male version of Luna, only without the creatures and an added inclination to snog people randomly.
Speaking of Luna, she came out of the floo just as Neville was walking up to it on his way out. Once Neville was gone, she pounced on him with a massive grin, squealing "Oh, Harry! You're sane!" It didn't surprise either man present, though, when she leaned in closer and whispered "Don't worry, Harry. Your secret is safe with me." And with a wink, she began asking Remus about the snogging; she'd heard the Weasleys from three miles away.
When they admitted it had been staged, she nodded wisely, before turning to Harry and innocently asking "Can I have a snog?"
When Albus walked in to have a word later, his eyes twinkled in amusement at the sight of the kissing teens. Remus just read a book... or tried.
However, not everyone's reactions were so brilliant.
For a brief ten seconds or so, the Ministry had tried to seize the Potter and Black vaults – Harry's vaults, or what the Ministry knows to be Harry's vaults – due to the owner being 'unstable'. However, they were forced to retreat when the goblin in charge sneered at them and told them that 1) They had no proof that Harry Potter was loopy except for a newspaper article of an interview with a Death Eater, 2) Even if the article were true, that level of insanity is nowhere near enough to empty vaults, and 3) HOW DARE YOU WIZARDS MAKE RUDE DEMANDS ON GOBLIN GROUNDS!
The aurors faced with this were traumatized for life. We can't say why. The fanged pianos might find us.
The Malfoys, in a rather poor attempt at a joke, tried to transfer 100 galleons to Harry's trust vault to 'help bear with his condition'. When Harry returned the money with a note saying that they needed it more than him, since with the Black vaults added to his name he was the richest wizard in Britain… well, he doesn't know what their faces looked like. He wasn't there, but Hashtag, a goblin, assured him that it was quite the laugh.
One anonymous Weasley made a plea to the Ministry for them to give them at least half of Harry's money, because 'he's insane and doesn't need it!' and 'I'm poor and unfortunate.'
Harry didn't know who it was, but the next morning he/she found a very strange howler by his/her breakfast that gave him/her the finger for half an hour whilst singing the word 'cunt' repeatedly. It also followed the Weasley in question everywhere, so no running away for that fat lump. Harry suspected it was Ron, or maybe Ginny, perhaps even Percy, but needed proof first. Thus, the howler.
The next morning, Harry's howler came back to him unopened. Blasted howler wards! On the other hand, seeing his disappointment, Madam Pomfrey had told him that she'd sent Mrs Weasley's body to her family's dinner table in the middle of dinner. Harry wasn't sure how to feel about that.
All of Harry's teachers (the Hogwarts ones, because the muggles don't give a fuck) came to visit him every now and then, which gave him plenty of practice with being loopy. He had to admit to Remus one day a week later that he actually rather enjoyed it.
The only Weasleys who came back again were Arthur, Fred and George. Arthur only came back once, to apologise for his family's behaviour, and to check up on him properly since he actually cared. Fred and George came because they seemed to enjoy chatting with the new Harry. He was sure they suspected something when they said "Give him hell for us, Harrikins!" before leaving one day, but concluded that he was probably just going paranoid.
No one seemed to care that Molly Weasley was dead. In fact, Harry had a distinct feeling that they'd just transfigured her into a dildo and chucked her over the fence of Lavender Brown's house, but when he asked everyone just grinned mischievously. Then he felt horror as he remembered she was popped onto the Weasleys' dinner table… and wondered whether they'd eaten her.
Then again, they were grinning mischievously, not maliciously. So maybe the dildo idea was closer to the truth.
Harry and Remus became close friends. They came to an understanding that both were prejudiced against because of things they can't help (lycanthropy, parsletongue, Boy-Who-Lived, etc.) and ended up sharing stories. Harry learned of the hardships Remus had to go through as a werewolf – such as the time his girlfriend ditched him violently when he confessed his condition to her – and Remus learned of the hardships Harry had to endure as the wizard child of Lily Evans in the house of the bewitched Dursleys.
Remus managed, after great effort, to fish the whole story of the Dursleys' abuse out of his young friend, and the conversation ended with a tear-stained Harry falling asleep in Remus' arms. No one noticed Colin Creevey take a picture, because he wasn't meant to be there anyway. That, and the midget shut up for once.
Luna visited regularly, and now that he wasn't condemned to artificial idiocy, Harry actually enjoyed Luna's strange ideas. Hermione was still hesitant, but after seeing Harry having so much fun conversing with her, she had begun trying to understand the strange witch better herself. 'Trying' being the key word.
Speaking of Hermione, having seen Ginny behaving like the slut she was, she went back home after arranging for her fireplace to be connected to the floo system so she could visit Harry. Who wants to live with that after all?
After a few weeks, Madam Pomfrey deemed Harry safe to walk around, and he left Hogwarts to live with Remus for a while (without the Ministry knowing, naturally). The werewolf in question had taken up temporary residence in the bed beside Harry's while he was there, so the mediwitch knew Harry wouldn't react violently to him. The only thing that bothered her was the snogging incident, but as far as she was aware, that hadn't happened since. And it hadn't. With Remus and Harry, anyway. Luna liked a bit of a snog when she visited, as did Tonks… only with her it was from Moony, not Harry. Something that amused Luna and Harry to no end, if only because the names sort of rhymed in a way.
At Remus' house, Harry practically yelled at the man for three hours straight until he let him pay three-quarters of the water bill while he was there. Remus only relented because he grew bored. After the argument, they sat down and watched telly all night, and quite often after that.
When Remus asked Harry if he would join him for the full moon in his animagus form – he could smell he had a form, apparently – Harry kept repeating that it 'might not be best' for at least ten minutes before Remus, with some crazy he'd obtained from being so exposed to it, finally yelled out "I DON'T CARE HOW BIG YOUR FORM, IS, HARRY, YOU'VE ALREADY SAID YOU WANT TO, SO COME ON!"
Harry just stared at Remus and said "One word missing from that sentence and someone would have got a very wrong idea, Moony."
The werewolf paled, shivered, and put a hand on his shoulder. "Good thing I kept the volume the same then, eh?"
The first thing Remus said when he woke up the next morning and seeing Harry was "Holy hell." He was glad Harry wouldn't be in danger of him while in his form, though.
When Harry's Hogwarts letter had arrived, he'd been upset at first when he found out he only got an E in Potions, and therefore could not move on to NEWT level, thus could not bully Snape in class. But then he read a small section at the end of the supply list that vaguely explained that they were lowering the grade needed to E because of a lack of aurors and healers, and then he ended up hugging Remus.
The only eventful thing that happened in Diagon Alley was when Ginny Weasley had yanked him into a side alley, pressed him against the wall, and proceeded to attempt to snog him senseless whilst grinding her hips into him. To say he was unimpressed was an understatement. He had simply kept still whilst the redhead's mouth worked, until she realised what was going on and pulled back to ask what was wrong with a seductive smirk on her face. He stared at her for a minute before boldly stating "You," in a creepy voice and cackling whilst running madly back through the alley to the cluster of other Weasleys.
Ginerva scowled at him when Harry flung an arm around Arthur's neck and said "Hey, Kingsie! Your daughter was trying to suffocate me again. Just thought you might want to know," before dashing off to find Remus where he'd left him by the apothecary, arguing with some hag about tea-strainers.
He was the subject of even more stares than usual, but he didn't care. This whole crazy thing was really helping him with his confidence.
The next eventful thing had happened when he and Remus entered Gringotts before realising that Molly Weasley still had his vault key when she died. They had stared at each other in deep thought for a few seconds before returning to the Weasleys.
"Heya guys," Harry yelled to them as he drew near, "do any of you know what Mrs Weasley did with my vault key?"
"What? Didn't she give it back to you?" Arthur asked.
"Nope, in fact, I haven't seen it since summer before fourth year," he replied, shrugging.
Arthur's eyebrows knitted together in worry. "Okay, that's not right. She told me she gave it back, so I honestly have no idea where it might be now. You should speak to the goblins; we'll come with you, since it was my wife responsible."
Back in the bank, the group approached a teller, Harry first. "Hello, Mr Wetgroin," Harry greeted cheerfully as he glanced at the nameplate, privately wondering what was wrong with the goblin's mother, "I was just wondering what would happen if I let someone borrow my trust vault key to get my school supplies whilst I couldn't for various reasons and they never returned it."
The goblin had stared at him thoughtfully, before admitting that never returning a borrowed key was a serious crime in goblin law. Apparently, if they could find proof they'd been using it against the owner's wishes, they could make their lives very unpleasant because it would be considered stealing. Wetgroin then asked who borrowed it, and when Harry admitted she died in an accident when she found the sight of two men snogging too overwhelming for her senses, the goblin asked whether he would like punishment to be forced upon their next of kin. Upon which, Harry replied, "Nah, I actually like most of them. Sure, some of them aren't very nice, but I like revenge to be personal."
Wetgroin nodded sagely and leaned forward, sliding a thin book titled 'Goblin Law' towards Harry. "If you need help with any revenge for crimes that are against goblin law, feel free to contact us at goblinsofgringotts .uk, and we will attempt to do anything within protocol to help, Mr Potter." He finished with a toothy grin, leaving Harry and Remus wondering when the heck goblins learned of the internet.
From there, the goblins performed a weird ritual that turned any existing Potter trust vault keys useless and created a new one. The concept in itself didn't sound odd at all, but the actual ritual was. Harry and Remus had been permitted to observe – the Weasleys left, Ginny looking strangely pale – and had to admit that it was near traumatising.
After an hour of nude goblins dancing in circles whilst singing about peanut butter, two house elves performing unspeakable acts of treason in the centre of the circle whilst yelling about DJs, volume and Indian boot makers, and one pygmy puff generally just squeaking about, the ritual was complete. A goblin called Airhead – again, what's with the mothers? – approached them (still nude) to say that during the ritual he felt that a redheaded, freckled bint in a small skirt was currently in possession of the original key. The last Marauders thanked the goblin, and then proceeded to head to the Leaky Cauldron to drink the trauma away.
However, that was when Remus remembered that Harry was still only sixteen, and therefore it would be extremely irresponsible of him to allow him to get drunk in public. Thus, they returned home, where they proceeded to get drunk there.
And no, I won't tell you what happened while they were drunk. What happens to the drunks stays with the drunks… then again, I didn't get drunk. But I'm still not telling. Imagine it yourself if you're that desperate! I'm not going to say anything. Even if that does make it look like they screwed.
A/N: This chapter's original author's note, previously found at the beginning:
A/N: I received a few reviews I felt a necessity to answer to in order to clear things up a little.
Reviewer Number 1: Lupinesence
Ah, I didn't see this one coming up. The reason Remus' ability of occlumency is so important is because Snape won't be able to read Harry's plans out of his head. I think we've all inferred from canon that the man uses legilimency on pretty much everyone without a hint of remorse, so Harry can only let those who can occlude well enough to keep Snape out for a while and call him out on what he is doing in on the plans and what he knows.
Reviewer Number 2: A guest known as 'PaC'
I know, in canon he doesn't know Snape told Voldie about the prophesy yet, just that it was a Death Eater. But, I felt it would fit in rather well with the rant, so I said 'fuck that' and altered it a little. In this universe, Dumbles let it slip. I don't know why you're so bothered, though, I mean he wasn't sexually abused in canon either. Weasley Is Our King hasn't been sung yet either.
As for Snape telling Voldie being 'completely non-canon', have you even read the books?
Indeed, Harry did tell Dumbles everything. But there are some things you need to keep in mind:
-This isn't the same Harry as we see in canon anymore. He's realized Snape has ruined his life, and the man who let him is right in front of him. Would you go on a ranting rage? Probably. It's like how he yelled "THEN I DON'T WANT TO BE HUMAN!" after Sirius died; emotional outburst. -He's been acting loopy for weeks now. You might not know this, but when you act a particular way for long enough, it becomes a part of you. Thus, Harry has been altered. He is no longer canon!Harry.
And yes, Dumbles did give Harry permission to prank Snape. Is that so strange?
-Harry has had his life ruined by this man.
-Dumbles let him and didn't even notice.
-Thus, Dumbles feels partially responsible.
-Dumbles knows Harry is going to prank Snape to hell and back no matter what he does.
-Thus, giving him permission will make it easier on everyone, and will hopefully go toward Harry forgiving him.
As for the fic running off the rails, the genre is Humour, not Drama. It isn't to be taken seriously, and things often don't make sense in this genre. There will be some serious bits, because I'm like that, but for the most part this fic is meant to be light-hearted and generally just weird. That you felt the chapter was weird means that I succeeded in this, not failed.
If you don't like the story, PaC, then don't read it. No one's forcing you, and I'm not about to stop writing it because of you. I happen to be enjoying it.
Well, now that some things have been cleared up, let us continue with the story. Last chapter was the usual second chapter that I seem to write - the explanatory chappie. I'm rather fond of the Weasleys visit to the hospital wing, myself... And don't worry, I don't plan on replying to every single review. But really, we need a reply button on these. Those fics with half a page of replies on every chapter... *shiver*