Hinata's Lost Journal's
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Lunchtime...
I walked into the gallery this morning determined to make it about art. If anything can bring me back to me, that's it. Once I arrived at work, though, I discovered Naruto was dealing with off-site business and probably wouldn't be in all day. I felt a mixture of relief and disappointment. I know the rest of the staff is relieved when he's gone, too. He always creates a subtle tension in the air, but he also creates a raw energy that excites the entire building and the people inside, even if they don't realize it. I need that energy today.
In his absence I turned to caffeine. I was just leaving the kitchen with a full cup of coffee when Temari, my fellow rep, and "frenemy" as Lee has called her, knocked into me. The contents of the cup splattered everywhere, including down the front of my-fortunately black-dress. She apologized profusely and swore it was an accident, but it wasn't. I'd thought things had improved after she'd had a meeting with Naruto last week and become friendlier, but apparently her friendliness was short-lived. She simply hates me for existing and I can't control that. There is a lot I can't seem to control lately.
3:00 p.m.
The gallery was sealed off to customers about an hour ago to allow the removal of the art from our personal office walls, because apparently it's part of Naruto's personal collection. He must be even richer than I realized to own as impressive a collection as this one. I'd thought the pieces belonged to the gallery since his family also owns Riptide, one of the largest auction houses on the planet. Anyway, it turns out that once a year, Naruto replaces the art and invites elite customers in for exclusive showings. The event is highly anticipated.
With the gallery shut for the art removal, I decided to head to the coffee shop for a caramel macchiato and was surprised to find Sasuke, Ava, and Georgia standing at the counter deep in conversation. Sasuke's longish raven hair was rumpled, as if he'd been running his hands through it while working, and there was this devastatingly attractive energy about him that, based on how enthralled they looked as he spoke, clearly Ava and Georgia spellbound. I waited in line to order, and my attention went to Georgia. Her beauty next to Ava's, had me feeling very ordinary. All my fears that Georgia has inspired the ring came back to me.
Sasuke's gaze lifted, and his brows dipped. I knew he'd seen something on my face, and thankfully it was my turn to order, which gave me an escape from his scrutiny. I have no idea what he saw on my expression-but too much, for sure. He and Naruto both saw too much. But then, Sasuke is an artist, a man who studies details. What did I expect?
Once I placed my order and turned back to the group, I found that Sasuke had disappeared back to his table and Ava was attending to a customer. Georgia greeted me with such a friendly smile that it was hard to remember why I'd felt uncomfortable a few minutes before. Apparently she'd stopped in for coffee on her way to a meeting with Lee to go over the prior night's sales and receipts.
We chatted on the short walk back and I asked her about the famous artist Georgia O'Keefe and the similarities in their work and names. Turns out O'Keefe was her idol. Georgia had learned about their names both being Georgia (not an overly common name, she pointed out) when she'd taken an elective art class just to get the easy credit. The deeper she'd gotten into the semester, the more certain she'd been that their names were no coincidence but a sign she was meant to be an artist. Georgia's story inspired me and, for the first time in days when I walked into the gallery, I felt a sense of rightness in being there. This was were I belonged. The art, this place, was me. Is me.
That was a few minutes ago, and already the feeling has faltered. The instant I sat down behind my desk I found myself staring at the empty wall where the painting had been removed, and I knew it couldn't just be the art I love, nor could I hide behind it. Taking this job, daring to do what I'd dreamed of, had been, and is, about living life, finding myself.
And there are more parts to me, things I've only just discovered, and the things I want to discover. I am still the same girl that walked in here: an art enthusiast who was waiting tables, and who dared to make my college major a career. But I am also the woman who'd stood in the coffee shop restroom and been aroused by a spanking. I want to know all parts of me. I have to know myself to control my life and destiny. But does that mean "he" is the right man to help me make that journey?
That's what I have to decide.
9:00 p.m.
Last night is repeating itself. Hot bath. Pajamas. My own bed. And again I ask, what more could a girl want? The answer is the same. Him. I clearly need to rethink my strategy, as I am in the same place as before. I feel mentally exhausted. I don't want to think about contracts, or rings, or why it hurt when that ring was given back to me, though I'm pretty sure it means that I haven't made this about sex and escape-what I vowed last night it had to be, in order to move forward with him.
Now I've been spanked, and I like it. Not every girl can write that in her journal. And on that note, I'm going to bed and to sleep. Tomorrow I'll figure the rest out. Tomorrow, it will make sense.
11:00 p.m.
So much for getting some sleep. Toneri, the conservative, good-looking, safe investment banker I dated a few times, started calling me over and over right after I lay down to sleep, and he won't stop. He's drunk and out of control and I don't want to call the police, but I'm starting to think I have to. After he showed up at my work a week ago, and now this, I'm feeling very nervous about what he might do next.
I tried to bluff and threatened to call the police if he called again. He called again. I'm fighting the urge to shove things in front of my door for protection. I don't think Toneri would hurt me, but I don't think he was capable of anything he's done either, and we only dated a few times. My phone is ringing again...
Friday, March 18, 2011
Late afternoon, home again...
I don't really know where to begin writing, considering all that has happened since last night and what my plans for tomorrow night might involve. But I know I want to get my thoughts down on paper so I can look back at this and know how I was feeling before it took place.
I'll start with last night, when Toneri was calling me and harassing me. I don't know how it's possible, but my would-be Master and self-proclaimed keeper of my happiness and safety called right after Toneri had just called me a whore and told me he was coming over. The sound of my would-be Master's voice set something off inside me, and I'd gushed out of a confession about what was going on. The next thing I knew, "he" was on his way to pick me up and rescue me from Toneri. I didn't need or want to be rescued, and I regretted telling him about Toneri. I didn't feel ready to see him-not alone, not in his home and his bed. But there's no fighting him. He'd made a decision to pick me up and I knew he wasn't going to be stopped.
He arrived at my door fifteen minutes later, with me a nervous wreck. But when I opened the door and found him standing there in jeans and a snug-fitting orange T-shirt, looking casual and sexy, the power oozing off him, I wanted to wrap my arms around him. I didn't, though. I knew I couldn't touch him until he touched me. But his eyes met mine and it's like he just knew how much I needed to feel him close.
He pulled me into his arms, molding me against his hard body, and buried his face in my hair. I heard him inhale my scent and then he whispered, "I'm here."
I'm here. The simple words resonated on some deep level I needed them to. No one else was there for me in my life. Only him. It scared me that I felt I needed him, when earlier I'd been so certain that I would always want more from him than he would for me. Or, maybe, more on a different level is a better definition. I know he'll push me to places I might not even think I can go, but I am almost certain I will never have the power to push him to places he wouldn't otherwise go without me. He won't ever need me. He will need power, and I think that my need for him is exactly that. His power. His power over me. Standing at my door, I told myself he was just pleasure and an escape, even safety for the evening, and I wanted to believe it, but I knew then, and I know now, that it wasn't true.
We left my apartment and had just made it to his fancy sports car when Toneri showed up.
"Who the hell are you?" Toneri demanded of him.
In a flash, Toneri was against the car and my would-be Master said something low to him that I couldn't hear. Toneri paled and then said something back before handing over his keys to "him." I stood there hugging myself, shivering from the cold night air and the intensity of the situation. More low words were exchanged, and when Toneri was finally set free he apologized to me, looking like a whipped puppy, before he went to sit in his car.
My would-be Master ushered me into his warm car and, once he joined me, said, "Toneri won't be bothering you again."
He wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. "You took his car keys," I commented. "How will he get home?"
"He made the choice to drink and drive. Let him figure that one out."
I couldn't argue that point.
Fifteen minutes later we entered his home, and I remembered the spicy, woodsy scent-his scent-warming me all over. This place felt safe. It was a moment of revelation. Isn't that feeling exactly why I was able to allow him to spank me and be aroused, rather than frightened or angry? Though I'd been mad, it was about the location, not the spanking. I don't, and won't, allow my job to be affected by our relationship.
He led me to his living room, and I felt a kind of vulnerability from my need for him that I wished then, and even now, that he couldn't create in me. But I was alone with him and he was gentle in a way he'd been that night he'd come to my apartment, the night when I'd freaked out over my first reading of the contract. That felt right and good-until I saw that we weren't alone at all. The other man who'd been here before, who we'd been with, was standing by the crackling fireplace, holding a glass of wine.
"From what I hear, you need this," he said, lifting the glass to offer it to me.
My would-be Master stepped behind me, his hands sliding to my waist, his mouth lowering near my ear, "Go take the wine."
"No, I-"
"It's just a glass of wine, Hinata-chan," he said. "It'll calm your nerves."
It wasn't just a glass of wine, and we both knew it. It was the first step to more. Even so, after a moment of hesitation, I stepped forward, moving slowly, cautiously toward the other man. I stopped in front of him and he handed me the glass. He was as gorgeous as I remembered, tall and dark, the opposite of my would-be Master.
I'd blinked at the man whose name I did not even know, the air crackling like the fire behind him. He wanted me. I didn't want to want him, but there was this sexual tension in the room that was almost like a living creature. It was as hungry as his eyes told me he was. I knew that if I let it happen, I would be submissive to both men. This man would be Master Two, submissive only to Master One.
I accepted the wine and sipped it, letting the bittersweet liquid slide down my throat, welcoming the numbing effect it would offer. Master Two reached down and stroked my hair behind my ear. "Beautiful," he whispered.
I don't consider myself beautiful, but the way he looked at me and the way he said it, all rough and husky, as if he meant it, made me feel as if I was. My body heated, and I remembered him touching me once before, the way his mouth had intimately licked and kissed me all over. The way he had thrust inside me.
Master One, the man who'd consumed me inside and out, stepped behind me again. It was him I truly responded to, his touch tingling through my body, heating my blood.
"Yes," he agreed softly, his fingers trailing down my arms, creating goose bumps on my skin. "Beautiful."
It was all I could do not to lean into him and become lost in his touch, but once I did that, once I forgot everything but him, there wouldn't be only him. There would be them-both men. It bothered me to be shared, and yet it aroused me.
I knew that I had completely lost control of myself again. I downed the wine, and shoved the glass at Master Two before I turned to Master One. "Why did you call me tonight, when you told me the contact you when I was ready for this?"
His fingers stroked down my hair. "What's important is that I did, and you needed me."
That wasn't the answer I wanted, though I have no idea what I had wanted him to say. Just not that. "I can take care of myself."
He laced his fingers in mine and pulled me to the couch. "Did you know," he asked, sitting down and settling me on the cushion beside him, "that putting yourself in danger is forbidden in our contract? In fact, it's grounds for punishment."
Nerves slammed into me immediately. His spanking me had bee one thing. I trusted him in ways I didn't try to understand. But I did not trust Master Two. I didn't know him. "You-you want to punish me again?" I asked.
His fingers wrapped around my neck and he brought my mouth to his. "Punishment is between you and me. Only you and me."
A small amount of tension eased from my body. "Then why is he here?"
Because I want every drop of pleasure I can get from you. I want to taste it. I want to touch it." His lips brushed mine, his fingers caressing one of my breasts. "I want to feel it when your body tightens around me and quakes because I've fucked you so well."
My sex clenched, but I wasn't ready to cave in to passion. "A-And yet you want to share me." Just saying the words twisted me in knots.
he leaned back to look at me, his gaze probing mine. "When he's fucking you, touching you, and licking you, Hinata-chan, I can watch every little nuance of how it affects you. It's like a window into your pleasure that allows me to not only give you more, but also be the best Master I can be. I can't do that when your hot little body is squeezing my cock into oblivion. So, let him fuck you. Let him please you. Let us give you the escape I can feel you craving."
It wasn't the answer I expected. In fact, it was everything I didn't expect, and yet everything I needed to hear. It was incredibly arousing-freeing, even. "Yes," I whispered, and my reward was his mouth closing on mine.
Master Two sat down behind me, his hand settling possessively on my hip, and this time I didn't resist him. This time I gave in to the pleasure that I knew this night could hold. They touched me, undressed me, undressed themselves. I was naked with those two gorgeous men, and they took turns kissing me, licking me. There wasn't a part of me they didn't touch, they didn't own.
At nearly one in the morning, I lay in bed and listened as he said good-bye to Master Two. I wondered who he was, this other Master, I wondered what came next. I'd read some BDSM sites that talked about the Master wanting the sub to sleep on the floor or at his feet. That wasn't me, and I realized just how foolish blind signing that contract had been.
The uncertainty I felt quickly brought back every one of my doubts I'd left in the living room earlier in the evening. I sat up, intending to dress, only to realize my clothes were in the other room. He appeared in the doorway then, jeans unzipped and hanging low on his lean hips, and sauntered over to me, before removing them as I watched, It was hard to think with him naked, and I wondered if he knew that.
He joined me on the bed and pulled me into his arms, my back to his chest, his lips to my ear. "Get some rest, Hinata-chan. That's an order."
All thoughts of leaving faded into the bliss of being held by him. "I told you, I don't take orders well," I murmured, but the truth was that I was exhausted. "I'm pretty sure that makes me a bad candidate for your sub."
"You don't take orders well, but I like a challenge," he agreed. I almost felt him smile against my hair, but he isn't much on smiling, so surely not. And there had been no smile in his voice as he'd sternly added, "Go to sleep, Hinata."
I don't remember what came next. Apparently, I did as ordered and went to sleep.
Friday had become Saturday at 2:00 a.m., or that's when I remember looking at the clock next...
I gasped and then blinked awake to find myself alone in his bedroom, and it only took me seconds to realize I'd had one of my nightmare again. Every time I thought they were gone, they came back. I was shaking all over, and I sat up and tugged the blanket up with me, thick darkness consuming the room, feeling as icy as the San Francisco Bay water. This nightmare was different from the others, I realized. My mother wasn't actually trying to kill me this time.
Instead of being on a trolley that loses control and slams into the ocean, I was already in the water, or wasn't really there. I was in the bay, only I wasn't in the bay. I was me, and yet I wasn't me. I know that makes no sense at all. I thought writing it down would make it more logical, but it isn't working. How do I describe what a shifting, odd nightmare is like? It was like... like one of those movies where someone dies and they end up watching the hospital staff try to bring them back to life from above, wherever above is. That's how this nightmare flowed. I could see myself floating facedown in the choppy waters, my dark hair spread out on the surface.
My mother was there, too, floating facedown just like me, both of us unmoving, lifeless. I figure the fact that she is already dead has some meaning; perhaps my mind is trying to tell me I'm going to end up like her. I'm not sure if that means dead or unhappy. And I'm not sure where I was watching from. I never saw myself watching me, or rather us, but I felt the water, the ice, the emptiness. I was dead in the water, but the part of me was watching was alive and I wanted to stay alive. I tried to scream and get to myself and my mother, but I couldn't make a sound. I tried to move but an invisible box confined me. I was trapped, incapable of saving myself or my mother, though it was illogical to think I could we were already dead.
What makes a person whose dead mother was never anything but gentle have these kinds of violent nightmares? Uncertainty? Uneasiness? A sense of being out of control of my life? Isn't that what my mother always preached? Control my life, so no one else could?
These were my thoughts when "he" returned. The door opened and he entered, and I didn't care where he's been or why he'd been gone. I just knew what had to happen. "We need to talk about the contract," I blurted out.
He flipped on the light. "Then let's talk," he agreed, sauntering forward. He was back to those sexy, low-hung jeans and nothing else. Soon he'd be naked if I didn't stop him.
I held up my hand, staying his approach. "N-not here. Not in the bed, I want to get dressed and talk about our agreement for what it is: a contract. I want to go down it liny by line, item by item."
He glanced at the clock. "At 2:00 a.m.?"
"Yes. Now."
Fifteen minutes later, fully dressed in the clothes we'd started this night out in, we sat at the table in a kitchen that was pretty much the size of my apartment. Oddly, his money didn't intimidate me, even though I'd never had any of my own. His money didn't attract me, either. He did.
I broke the silence. "I won't sleep on the floor or at your feet. I won't wear a collar. Ever. I know that's big in the BDSM world, but it's not me. You won't collar me."
"Fine on the floor and I don't want you at my feet. I prefer you in my bed, where I can fuck you at will. A collar is simply ownership, but to me it's more like marriage-I do not collar anyone. What's next?"
More confirmation that this is simply a short-term agreement to him. Fine, then, I was going to make sure it was very short-term. "Three months, not six."
"Six months."
"Three."
"Four, but if we decide to renew our agreement after that, I want the contract modified to include things I might want added or taken out."
"And the things I might want added or taken out," I countered.
His lips curved ever so slightly. "Of course."
"I don't know what a cane or caning is, so take it out."
"Try it first."
"No. No more trying. I need to do this now or not do it at all. That's what I need you to understand. We have to come up with an agreement I can sign tonight, or there is no agreement."
"Signing before you're ready-"
"I am ready."
He stared at me far too long for my comfort before he said, " I want you, Hinata, but once I have you, I plan to push you. I can't do that if I'm afraid you'll crumble."
"You-you think I can't handle this. You think I can't handle you."
"I'm not sure you think you can handle this."
I pushed to my feet and he stood up as well. "I'm out," I stated. "You're right. I can't do this- but not for the reasons you imply, Naruto. I like to control my life, and I don't do well when I can't." I laughed without humor. "That sounds ridiculous, when I'm negotiating a contract to be a submissive."
"It's not ridiculous. A choice to hand over control under agreed-upon terms is not only control itself, but the freedom to let go and escape reality when you otherwise wouldn't."
"Then you have to see that lessons and uncertainty are the opposite to me. It's affecting my job and sleep. It's making me crazy."
He stepped around the chair and pulled me close. "If you want to sign, we will, but on one condition."
"And what would be?" I held my breath, waiting for the answer.
"One last lesson. The ultimate lesson. When it's over, if you want to sign, we'll sign."
This was a test. "When?"
"Tonight. I'll pick you up at nine."
Lunchtime...
He tried to get me to talk about my nightmares but I quickly withdrew and asked to go home. Reluctantly, he agreed. Maybe that was my test for him. I need to know he won't push me when I don't want to be pushed, and he seemed to understand this was one of those times. I can't talk to him about my personal things and still make him about pleasure and escape. I'm not big on sharing my personal feelings anyway, and my mother, and the things I learned form her before her death, are as personal as it gets. I'm already struggling with my feelings for him, which give him even more power over me than any contract ever will.
He'd taken me home as I'd requested so I could try to sleep a few hours before work. I was remarkably exhausted and I'd fallen sleep almost immediately.
Even so, I was forced to stop by the coffee shop before work for a caffeine boost. Inside I found Kiba Inuzuka waiting for a drink, looking aristocratic and debonair in a fitted suit. Oddly, he was in deep conversation with Temari, whom Lee had said Kiba didn't care for.
What is it about the coffee bar that was inviting meetings these days?
I ordered my drink and joined them.
"Ah, Bella," Kiba purred. "Just the lady I wanted to see. Your customer dropped by my gallery and purchased several pieces. We need to do the paperwork for your commission."
My eyes went wide. "You're kidding." I was elated. When I'd taken the woman to his private showing she'd been embarrassingly hesitant to buy. "That's such good news."
"Congratulations to you both," Temari said tightly. "I'll let you two talk." She glanced at Kiba. "I'll bring the painting over tonight." She slipped away toward the door.
I frowned, wondering what that was about as Kiba accepted his coffee from Ava, saying something to her in Spanish before turning back to me. "Shall we go share the good news with your boss?"
I smiled. "Yes, of course. Let's share it."
An hour later, Kiba had gone and Naruto appeared in my doorway, electrifying the air as he always did. "That painting you found in Seattle-the guy sold it to me for a steal. We're going to make a fortune at auction, Hinata-chan."
I was stunned. Even now, I can't believe the sale came through. My commission is going to be... I can't even write down what I estimate it will be. Instinctively, I knew Naruto would use my excitement for control. He plays the control card with everyone in the gallery.
"That's fantastic news," I said managing to sound cool and calm. "I can't wait to find out how well it sells."
His lips twitched. "Seems like today is your lucky day, Ms. Hyuga. Feel free to continue that trend. It's good for the gallery, and so, it seems, are you." He left in a whiff of spicy male wonderfulness, leaving me basking in his rare compliment.
I smiled. He was right. I'd just closed two huge sales; today was my lucky day. I just hope the night is, as well.
I want to apologize for taking so long to update. I will try to update as soon as possible. Sorry.
On the bright side, you guys already, officially know who the Master is ;)
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