"You have to tell him, Jack. You don't want to hurt him, do you?"
"I never wanted to hurt him. I don't want to lose him again, Tosh."
Captain Jack Harkness, leader of Torchwood, sat in the middle of the stark white examination room, shirtless. His tan, and as of late pulsating yellow wrists, gave the room a stark contrast. He swept his bangs back just a little; confirming to Tosh how serious he was taking this conversation. With his bangs swept back, Tosh found him more stern, more of a grown-up than she was used to. He wistful eyes and roguish charm often got Jack through his missions. But this was something more.
"If he doesn't suspect already..."
"But he doesn't."
"He knows you're blowing him off, and you can't do that forever."
"You're right, Tosh. I just..."
"Tell him, Jack. He'll understand. He has to understand."
"Understand what?" Owen's entrance had caught Jack off-guard. To hide his wrists, he grabbed Tosh and snuggled her into a brief kiss. Owen turned away sharply, muttering, okay then. Tosh wrestled free and proceeded to slap Jack.
"What was that for?"
"Wow." He felt impending whiskers alongside the slight hand print her slap had left. "Usually, I'm not given that after a kiss."
"Jack, everyone knows what's going on between you and Ianto. Just don't let this thing get out of control. Please, after Lisa, Ianto can't handle anymore of this."
Jack jumped off the table and began to button his shirt back up. "You're right. I owe it to him. But how do you break the news to the man you love that...?"
Tosh raised her hands up. "Don't look at me."
"But I am looking."
"Don't ever look at me like that again, thanks."
"I had to try."
"Oh no, you don't. Don't drag me into this unless completely necessary. And maybe, just once, you should tell Ianto how you feel. We know you snog. We know how you feel. Try telling him."
"Of course. It can't be that hard. I mean, we've fought weevils, cyber women, psychotic pharmaceutical companies, how hard could admitting love be?"
Owen didn't look up from his workstation. He knew Jack's foot pattern and didn't want to look at him at that precise moment. He felt a mixture of fury and something, well, he wasn't sure what. But it did feel as though Jack was invading something that didn't belong to him. Owen squelched the thought immediately. It just wouldn't be professional; office romances never were.
Jack made sure Ianto wasn't anywhere in sight when Gwen came bolting in the office later that day. She was upset and there seemed to be visible flinging of the arms; a usual female gesture. Ianto came in halfway through the conversation to this scene. And he wasn't quite sure what to make of it all. Tosh mouthed some words to him, and he had to give her a second look. He had that "deer in headlights" thing going on in his mind.
What was going on in there? Rhys asked Gwen to marry him, Tosh mouthed again. You could have knocked the whole of the Hub out from under Ianto's feet, rearranged his cabinets in the coffee room or burned down the brochure office. He wouldn't have even noticed. A bright shimmer of hope in the form of Gwen's flighty arm patterns brought hope back into Ianto's world. Jack would stop avoiding him now, he was sure of it.
Just goes to show you that appearances aren't all they are cracked up to be. Ianto hoped, under the assumption of duty, that he could eavesdrop and then ask if Jack and Gwen wanted coffee. There surely wasn't anything to be jealous of, right? Later, he'd kick himself for not being blissfully stupid and waiting for her to leave.
"I can't do that, Gwen. This isn't my decision to make."
"Just tell me one thing. Just tell me you love me, then I can call the whole thing off."
"I can't do that Gwen."
"Then do this." And she stole a kiss from him. Every synapse in Ianto's body was firing away with bouts of logic, emotion, and other such things. He could feel the touch of an insanely hot poker prodding his back, stunning his spine. He watched her engulf Jack's lips. He watched Jack put his hand on her back. If only he could have read Jack's thoughts at that moment. Jack had missed Ianto; her touch and responsiveness lured him in.
Now, please don't get the wrong idea about Gwen. She's normally very lovely, Ianto began to internalize, to rationalize, to any ize that would take the burning sensation out of his retinas, but she's been returning his flirtations since her first moment here. It's only natural to reach out in this frazzled state. And its not like mistakes happen. It's not like she needs this so much, and maybe he wants to be normal. It's not like he's been avoiding me.
Ianto, Jack whispered the name in breathe during the kiss. At least, that's what Gwen thought she heard. What she saw was Jack pushing her arm away from around his neck as they hovered over his desk. What she saw was the reflection of a broken heart as a glued Ianto had watched every second of that kiss. What Jack saw was Gwen shaking with fear, with remorse, with a need to be with Rhys-truly, for a bit of normalcy in her very abnormal life.
"Sir, I've just come round to see if anyone needs some coffee. Gwen?"
"No, I'm fine."
"Ianto."
"You'll have the usual, I suspect? Right away, sir."
"Ianto..."
"Jack don't." Tosh pulled on his sleeve, instinctively. "Don't put your relationship in any more jeopardy than you already have."
"But I didn't even have time to tell him."
"Jack, I'm..."
"Gwen, It'll just have to be alright."
"But I feel..."
"Not now, Gwen!" She shriveled up into a ball as she slumped down on the couch. Tosh let go of Jack's sleeve and pulled Gwen out of the Hub. Owen said absolutely nothing; forcibly gluing his eyes to his screen so as to avoid giving Jack the "I told you so" glare.
There was a crash from the kitchenette.
"You're awake."
"Yes. What happened?" Jack's hand was grasped in Ianto's. Ianto wouldn't let go and as Jack tried to pull away; the slight grip of Ianto kept him planted.
"Fainting spell due to stress." He tried to keep his voice in check. He was the cause of all this; he'd have to sort this mess all out. "Ianto."
"Please, sir, but I am extremely tired. It was nice of you to see me home, though."
"Ianto, I want to stay."
"No Jack." The tone made Capt. Jack Harkness sit up in his chair. He then thought the better of himself.
"Okay, but please come see me in the morning, to, to explain." He reached down to give Ianto a kiss, but Ianto moved so that Jack's lips landed on his forehead. Jack barely held his composure. Even allowed to breath in Ianto; a unique blend of coffee, after shave, and Irish spring that made Jack weak at the knees, at the very center of his universe. He lingered and then Ianto couldn't control himself. He kissed Jack. He kissed him long and hard with a bittersweet tone. The scent of Gwen's lip gloss lay against Ianto's mouth.
Please go.
Ianto made an auto-pilot for the shower once he heard the door firmly close. He couldn't have known the man on the other side of the door was melting into tears; frantically dialing Tosh because he knew he'd never make it back to the Hub in his current state. Ianto faded into the beams of a cold shower.
He let the pellets of water hit him as he slid down the tub. He let everything about himself slip down that drain. Every face and every memory of his time with Jack, both the good, the bad, and the absent. He began to cry, pools of salty tears filling every crack and crevice in his soul. He sobered up within half an hour. Rather, Ianto began to build his emotional wall and his logical brain began to chart a plan.
He looked at himself in the swiveling mirrors of his bathroom medicine cabinet. His eyes were puffy, but he saw himself. He saw the him that Jack built, and he wasn't sure how he felt about that anymore. Where had his strength, his resolve, his sense of duty gone? He worked for Torchwood, sure, but he didn't do anything. He wasn't worth the pay he received. Maybe it was time he fixed that.
Ianto slowly and deliberately began to get dressed. He had one black dress-down shirt and a pair of dark jeans, consciously deciding to forgo the tie. He eyed his collection of jackets and then turned his head down, shaking it all the way. He laced up a pair of work boots Lisa had given him. Then he emptied his old pockets and picked through his wallet; leaving no trace of his identity anywhere but in that apartment. He turned a blind eye to his stun gun.
Ianto threw some clothes in a small black duffel bag. He absentmindedly picked out a shirt Lisa had bought him, halfway as a joking gift. He breathed in the scent of memory, somewhere beyond himself as he let the text of The Who shirt hit him deep in his cracked heart. He shoved the shirt in the duffel along with some essential items and then he dropped the bag by the door. The bottle of scotch no one else knew of, not even Jack, hid behind his copy of Tolstoy in his little shelf of classic books near his electric fire.
He doused his bed first, allowing about a quarter of the liquid to sop into the sheets. He created a liquid trail from the bed to the fireplace and then sprinkled the room deeply in alcohol, not even bothering to touch the leather chairs. He turned the fireplace on as he replaced the now empty bottle. Ianto did absolutely no thinking as he lit his copy of Tolstoy on fire and tossed it on the bed. He didn't let any thought enter his head as the lights screamed and he paced down one block, down two blocks. The only thoughts he entertained were when he entered a pawn shop near the edge of Cardiff. The chopper out front had taken his fancy.