The gnawing, aching feeling in my chest has returned. I can't remember the last time I felt like this, for I have blocked it from my mind. It could've been yesterday or the day before, it is hard to tell. The coldness inside spreads throughout my limbs and leaves me numb. I wish there was a way to make it go away.
I want to run from the monster within; to cry out for help. But I cannot even summon the strength to call Peeta. The phone is so very far away. I curl into myself as if, by making myself small enough, I could stop existing all together. I take a deep, shaky breath in an attempt to calm myself, but it has the opposite effect. As if the monster sensed my moment of strength, it came at me again in full force. I weaken. I crumble.
An hour or so later I am finally able to call Peeta at the bakery. I don't say anything, but I don't have to. He hears it in my voice. "I'm on my way," he says and relief courses through me.
The walk from the bakery to our house seems to take longer than usual. It feels as though an eternity has gone by in the mere minutes since hanging up with Peeta. I feel the monster's hold on me grow stronger with every second. The world blurs around me as my eyes lose focus and I stop being able to form clear thoughts.
Eventually, I feel arms around me. He is here. He pulls me onto his lap and kisses me gently. "Shhh, I'm here now. You're safe. You're ok," he soothes. I want to believe him, I do. But the monster is still there. And I don't know how to keep it at bay. I explain the monster to him and he understands, nodding. "You can't fight something you can't see with your bow and arrow. But there are still chinks in its armor. You have to shoot arrows of happiness and love at it. That's all," he smiles at me. "But don't worry too much. I'm here. I'll fight it for you for now. Just sleep."
With his arms around me I achieve a kind of peace that I can't on my own. And it's not long before I fall asleep.
When I wake up, he's still there. It seems impossible, but it's true. What did I do to deserve someone this good? I turn around in his arms to face him and he smiles at me sadly. I wish I couldn't see the sorrow in his eyes. I wish I wasn't the cause of it. Of all of it. "Hey," he says. "Feeling better?"
"A little," I admit. I'm not sure exactly how I'm feeling right now but I know I'm better than before. I wish I wasn't so dependent on him in my dark hours but he's just as dependent on me in his. We need each other. There's nothing wrong with that.
"Good. You hungry?" he says. He brushes the hair away from face and snuggle closer to him.
"Yes, but don't move. Not yet," I say. I don't want this to end. I want to stay in his arms, where I'm safe, for just a little longer. He seems to know what I'm really asking because his hold on me tightens. My arms wrap around him and hold him as tight as I can, as if we'll be ok if we can just hold on to each other. I love the way his arms feel around me. I love the way his breath kisses my forehead moments before his lips brush there. I love him. And this time, the revelation isn't scary. Not at all.