Chapter Thirteen
Inigo and the Dread Pirate Roberts pulled out their swords and began to fight. Clang, clang, swish. Clang, clang, swish. Their swords crossed, again, and again, and the sound came so fast it was almost continual. Inigo pressed on, but the man in black retreated up a rocky incline.
"You are using Bonetti's defense against me, uh?" said Inigo obviously thrilled.
"I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain."
"Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro," said Inigo, shifting his fighting style.
The Dread Pirate Roberts was coping as best as he could and suddenly shifted his fighting style as well. "Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro, don't you?" The man in black was now perched at the edge of the elevated castle ruin. With nowhere to go, he jumped to the sand.
Inigo stared down at him and said, "Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa," And now, with the grace of an Olympian, Inigo flew off the perch, somersaulting clean over the Dread Pirate Roberts' head, and landed facing his opponent, "which I have!" The two men were almost flying across the rocky terrain, never losing balance, never coming close to stumbling; the battle raged with incredible finesse, first one and then the other gaining the advantage. And then, incredibly, the action began going even faster than before. And behind Inigo now, drawing closer all the time, was the deadly edge of the Cliffs of Insanity. Inigo fought, ducked, feinted, and slashed and it all worked, but not for long as gradually, the Dread Pirate Roberts kept the advantage, forcing Inigo back, closer and closer to death. "You are wonderful!"
"Thank you. I've worked hard to become so," replied the man in black.
The cliff edge was very close now and Inigo was continually being forced towards it. "I admit it, you are better than I am," he said with a large grin
"Then why are you smiling?" the Dread Pirate Roberts inquired suspiciously.
"Because I know something you don't know."
"And what is that?"
"I am not left-handed," Inigo declared. He tossed his sword into his right hand. The Dread Pirate Roberts was stunned, and was doing everything he could to keep Inigo by the cliff's edge, but it was no use. Slowly, he began to retreat up the steps of a rocky staircase leading to a turret-shaped plateau.
"You're amazing!" the man in black complimented his opponent.
"I ought to be after twenty years," Inigo replied, forcing the Dread Pirate Roberts towards a balcony and smashing him into a stone pillar.
"There is something I ought to tell you," the pirate grunted out.
"Tell me."
"I'm not left-handed either," said the Dread Pirate Roberts switching hands and flourishing his sword.
To his amazement, Inigo was being forced back down the steps, and soon his sword was knocked out of his hand. Inigo retreated, dove off the stairs to a moss-covered bar suspended over the archway. He swung out, landed, and scrambled to his sword. The Dread Pirate Roberts tossed his sword to the landing where it stuck perfectly, dove to the bar, swung over it like an acrobat and dismounted with a back flip.
Inigo stared in awe and asked, "Who are you?"
"No one of consequence," the Dread Pirate Roberts said with a smirk.
"I must know."
"Get used to disappointment."
With a shrug, Inigo replied, "Okay."
They continued to fight until the man in black knocked Inigo's sword from his hands. It flew up into the air and Inigo caught it once more. They fought a bit longer until Inigo lost his sword again, and he stood there helplessly for a moment before falling to his knees, bowing his head, and shutting his eyes.
"Kill me quickly," Inigo quietly begged.
The Dread Pirate Roberts circled Inigo, saying, "I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as an artist like yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either..." He hit Inigo over the head with the hilt of his sword. Inigo crashed to the ground, out cold. "Please understand I hold you in the highest respect." He grabbed his scabbard and took off after Aralyne, Vizzini, and Fezzik.
Vizzini was staring down from a narrow mountain path, as far below the Dread Pirate Roberts ran. Fezzik was carrying me and stood off to the side.
"INCONCEIVABLE!" Vizzini yelled, spit flying from his lips. To the giant, he said, "Give her to me. Catch up with us quickly."
"What do I do?" Fezzik asked, me over to the short bald man.
"FINISH HIM, FINISH HIM! YOUR WAY!"
"Oh good, my way. Thank you, Vizzini," said Fezzik with a smile, but it faded as he thought with hands on hips. "Which way's my way?"
"Pick up one of those rocks, get behind the boulder. In a few minutes the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his HEAD is in view, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK!" Vizzini roared before departing with me.
We had only left Fezzik about a minute ago, we I finally kicked Vizzini in the shin. He cried out in pain releasing me, and I took off running. That's all I had been waiting for, a chance to get away from the swordsman and the giant.
Unfortunately, something struck me on the back of my left leg, and I fell over in pain. Glancing back, I was horrified to see a knife sticking out of my limb, blood gushing out of it.
"That's a warning, girl," said Vizzini, catching up to me and yanking the knife out of my leg, "Next time, I'll aim for your heart."
Grabbing my arm, he hauled me to my feet, and dragged me off down the path.
The men that had kidnapped Aralyne were just too interesting to Siren, but the man in black seemed oddly familiar. Instead of watching Fezzik, Vizzini, and Aralyne, she decided to observe the man in black. When he and Inigo were battling along the Cliffs of Insanity, the villainess tried to remember where she had seen this man before, but nothing was coming to mind.
She froze the image in the crystal ball and studied the man in black. Everything about him seemed so familiar! His piercing blue eyes, his goatee, his stance, his frame.
Siren suddenly collapsed and hissed in pain as if she had just been stabbed in the back of her left leg. She glanced back to see blood welling out of a wound that hadn't been there a second before. What was going on?! What kind of voodoo magic was this?!
"My way's not very sportsmanlike," said Fezzik with a slight frown. He picked up a rock and hid behind a massive boulder.
The Dread Pirate Roberts raced up the mountain trail. When he reached the bend in the path, he slowed to a cautious walk and a rock flew by, shattering on a boulder inches from his face. He quickly unsheathed his sword and turned in the direction he had seen the rock flying.
Fezzik came out of hiding, picking up another rock and said, "I did that on purpose. I don't have to miss."
"I believe you," said the pirate, "So what happens now?"
"We face each other as God intended... sportsmanlike. No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone," Fezzik said.
"You mean, you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?" the Dread Pirate Roberts inquired.
"I could kill you now," said Fezzik getting ready to throw the rock he held, but the man in black shook his head, removed his scabbard, dropped his sword, and approached towards the giant.
"Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting," said the pirate eyeing the giant warily.
"It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even exercise," said Fezzik tossing his rock aside.
The Dread Pirate Roberts charged at Fezzik, throwing several blows to the stomach, twisted his arm severely, slipped skillfully into a bear hug, and tried taking him down. Fezzik just stood there watching until the man in black gave up for the moment.
"Look, are you just fiddling around with me or what?" the Dread Pirate Roberts demanded.
"I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed," Fezzik replied.
The giant jumped forward and the man in black dropped down and slipped between Fezzik's legs.
"You're quick," Fezzik remarked.
"And a good thing, too," the Dread Pirate Roberts added.
"Why are you wearing a mask?" Fezzik inquired swiping at him, "Were you burned by acid or something like that?" Swipe.
"Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone'll be wearing them in the future," the man in black replied. Swipe. The man in black slipped down to avoid the charge, and Fezzik moved along with him, but instead of twisting free and leaping to his feet, the Dread Pirate Roberts jumped on Fezzik's back, his arms around the giant's throat.
"I just figured why you give me so much trouble," Fezzik groaned out through his crushed windpipe, as he smashed the man in black against a boulder behind them.
"Why's that, do you think?" asked the man in black.
"Well, I haven't fought just one person for so long. Been specializing in groups. Battling gangs for local charities, that kind of thing." Smashed into another boulder.
"Why should that make such a..." Fezzik backed Dread Pirate Roberts into a boulder, knocking the pirate's breath out, "Difference?"
"Well, you see," replied Fezzik slowing down, "you use different moves when you're fighting half a dozen people than when you only have to be worried... about ... one."
The giant dropped unconscious to the ground. The Man in Black rolled him over and listened for a heartbeat.
"I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake," said the Dread Pirate Roberts once he was satisfied that Fezzik would live, "But, in the meantime, rest well, and dream of large women." After jumping to his feet, he nimbly scooped up his sword with his foot, caught it and dashed up along the mountain path.
After a certain point, Vizzini and I stopped, and he threw me onto a boulder. The bag he kept over his shoulder the entire time, he slipped off, and pulled out a tablecloth, placing it onto another boulder before me. He then set up two goblets, and placed a couple of apples and cheese beside them. Were we seriously going to have a picnic?
I wanted to run, but with my leg still throbbing, I could barely stand. Damn bastard!
The next thing I knew, he sat beside me, putting a blindfold over my eyes, and I felt a knife prick my throat. I wondered what he was up to, but it wasn't long until I got my answer. Even though I couldn't see anything at the moment, I could hear everything.
"So it is down to you, and it is down to me," said Vizzini almost casually as someone slowly approached. By my guess, it had to be that man in black that had been following us. "If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward." He pressed the knife harder against my throat and I hissed in pain.
"Let me explain," said the man in black.
"There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen," said Vizzini.
"Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?" the man in black suggested.
"There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her," Vizzini warned jabbing me with his long knife. I gasped against the pain.
"Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse," said the man in black sounding calm.
"I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no match for my brains," bragged Vizzini.
"You're that smart?" inquired the man in black.
"Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?"
"Yes."
"Morons," Vizzini spat out.
"Really," said the Dread Pirate Roberts thoughtfully, "In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits."
"For the girl?" inquired Vizzini, "To the death? I accept," Vizzini said happily, removing the weapon from my throat.
"Good," said the man in black, "Then pour the wine." I could hear the goblets being filled to the brim. "Inhale this, but do not touch."
Vizzini said, "I smell nothing."
"What you do not smell is called Iocane powder," the man in black explained, "It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man." There was a moment of silence. "All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right... and who is dead."
"But it's so simple," said Vizzini sounding as if he were the wisest person in the world, "All I have to do is divine from what I know of you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I am not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me."
"You've made your decision then?" inquired the man in black.
"Not remotely," Vizzini replied, "Because Iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals, and criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you."
"Truly, you have a dizzying intellect," said the man in black sarcastically, but Vizzini missed the tone of voice. I smirked at the man's remark and it was lucky for me that my kidnapper didn't notice.
"WAIT TILL I GET GOING!" Vizzini cried, "Where was I?"
"Australia," the man in black said.
"Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me," said Vizzini.
"You're just stalling now," the Dread Pirate Roberts said in half amusement, half frustration.
"YOU'D LIKE TO THINK THAT, WOULDN'T YOU?" yelled Vizzini, "You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
"You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work," stated the man in black.
"IT HAS WORKED!" Vizzini declared in his loud voice, "YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW WHERE THE POISON IS!"
"Then make your choice."
"I will, and I choose- What in the world can that be?" Vizzini exclaimed.
"What? Where?" inquired the man in black. "I don't see anything."
"Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No matter," said Vizzini.
"What's so funny?" the pirate asked suspiciously.
"I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours," said Vizzini.
There was another moment of silence.
"You guessed wrong," said the Dread Pirate Roberts quietly.
"You only think I guessed wrong!" Vizzini cried out, laughing hysterically, "That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha—" He suddenly stopped laughing and I heard a thump beside me.