Chapter 1: The Chappening

Ike and Link had at last arrived at the mysterious Smash Mansion. Then looked before them, and saw... a mansion. Link was disappointed by this. It wasn't odd. It wasn't strange. It didn't even have little pictures of Mario or anything. It was like a real mansion. As in, Link could cut a bunch of bushes, save up some money, and buy something exactly like it. Disappointment aside, our two heroic sword-using damsel-saving cheese-eating protagonists went on inside. What they saw was an old pal, Pit.

Pit instantly greeted them by saying, "Hey guys, how goes the tomato farming?" Ike was concerned by this remark, as he had never actually farmed tomatoes. He would have asked about this, but Pit's really obnoxious so he figured that he wanted no excuse for him to speak.

Link, deciding to speak in a way that did not solely involve yelling, asked Pit what he had been doing since the last tournament. Ike glared at Link, who had no idea at what he had just done.

Pit then proved Ike right about being annoying by speaking for the next few minutes, "That's an interesting question Link, as there isn't much I HAVEN'T done! I've been fighting angels, demons, plants, old people, not-as-old people, civilians, and many more. And I flew across the sky a whole lot but only for four minutes at a time because I'm not very good at flying at all which reminds me of the history of flight as one day some guy looked at the sky and said "I could totally move up there" and made wings or something. Of course, I'm a whole lot smarter than him, which explains how I met so many people. I chatted with gods, goddesses, middle-aged men, a dragon, another dragon, and I even went under the oce-"

Ike interrupted this by saying, "Pit, where the hell is the bathroom in here? There are no signs or anything and I haven't taken a piss in over 6 hours!"

Pit noticed that people, unlike angels, use the bathroom and responded by saying, "Oh yeah, bathrooms. There's one over there, and upstairs, and outside, and on the roof, and..."

Pit spent the next 10 minutes telling Link about bathrooms while Ike relieved himself. As he washed his hands with some soap as he isn't one of those nasty people who uses the bathroom and lacks the decency to wash their hands like a normal person, he started to think about something that had been bothering him. Pit was always annoying, but never as bad as he is now. Did he get more annoying since the Brawl tournament? Probably, though Ike. After all, how else would it make sense?

Fully prepared to see where the heck he would put his bags, he found Link, listened to Pit jabber on about the importance of communism, and went on his way with Link.

As they wandered the mansion aimlessly, Link broke the silence by asking Ike a question.

"Ike, Pit just went on about how Stalin was one of the greatest leaders in history. Doesn't it bother you that Pit might be a communist?"

"Link, calm down. People change, I've seen it happen plenty of times before. You need to accept people for who they are. That being said, I think Pit is a horrible person for praising Stalin. I mean, the guy killed millions of people. Even, then, it's Pit. Doesn't it seem odd for an angel to praise a violent communist leader?"

"That's what I mean Ike. Something seems off with Pit. In fact, a lot seems off here. I have a bad feeling about this."

Our adventurers eventually reached a room with just a table and some papers. The papers had the rooming assignments for each Brawler. Because Master Hand was too cheap to buy a large enough mansion, Ike and Link had to share a room. They arrived and realized that the room was pretty cool. It had a TV and stuff. They even got complementary cookies, because those are delicious.

"Hey Ike, it looks like we get to room together!", shouted Link. Ike thought Link was being way too loud, even louder than people requesting a remake of The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. And those people are pretty loud, which made Ike even more concerned about Link's volume.

"That sounds good to me. I guess you didn't have much to worry about at all, Link. Now let's get this room set up, because that bed is waaaaay too close to the window."

Ike and Link spent the day unpacking and eventually went to sleep in their beds satisfied. Ike figured that this tournament would be pretty cool, just like the last one. Link was also happy, but he was thinking about all of that bacon they might have for breakfast. However, they would soon realize that their worries were justified and that there is some weird stuff going on in the Smash Mansion.

Will Link get to eat that bacon he was thinking about?

Is Ike going to remember to floss his teeth in the morning?

Why is Peach so concerned with Mexican immigration?

Find out next time!