Chapter 2
Strong arms lifted Esmee from the couch as she tried to make her mind wake up. Something had happened, something very bad and her mind shut down not wanting to remember. She turned her head trying to force her eyes open.
"I'm going to put you in bed Es." Sam whispered to her as he carried her to the bedroom she had shared with his brother.
"Dee.." she mumbled into his neck thinking he was carrying her.
"It's Sam Sis. Go on back to sleep."
He pulled the covers back and laid her on the cool sheets and pulled the blanket up over her still form. She moved around for a moment before settling down in a small ball. Sam looked at her one more time before heading into the kitchen to find the bottle of whiskey Dean had stashed in the back of the cabinet. He grabbed a glass and poured a double shot and sat down at the table.
Sam twirled the amber liquid in the glass before downing half of it in one swallow. His eyes watered and his throat burned as the liquid hit his empty stomach. Warmth began to spread through his body as he downed the rest. He poured another shot of whiskey into the glass and stared down into it trying to make his mind block out the pictures of his brother's torn up lifeless, body.
This was all his fault. Dean would not have made a deal with a crossroads demon if he had not been killed at Cold Creek. Dean couldn't let him go, couldn't let him stay dead, he knew Dean had felt he had failed him, so he did what he thought was the only option to get Sam back. Oh he had tried to break the contract and get Dean out of it, but nothing he found or did worked. Lilith won and Dean was dragged to hell by hellhounds leaving only a bloody, broken, and torn up, empty body.
Sam squeezed his eyes tight as he threw back the shot hoping to numb his body and mind with the booze. He never felt the tears as they streaked down his face dripping onto the table. He held his head in one hand reaching for the bottle again. His stomach churned the whiskey and acid making him feel nauseated but that didn't stop him from drinking more.
A scream echoed from the hall causing Sam to stumble back toward the bedroom. He found Esmee thrashing in the bed crying out for Dean. He sat down beside her so he could pull her into his arms.
"It's ok, I'm here." he told her pushing her hair from her face so she could see him.
"Sam...Please...not true." she begged as sobs wracked her body again. She fisted his shirt in her small hands, clinging tightly to him as he rocked her body, but found that made his stomach churn more and the room began to spin. He swallowed the bile building in the back of his throat trying to control the urge to throw up. He took several shallow breaths hoping to quell the feelings.
"I know Es, I do." Sam told her. "It hurts so much like everything is closing in on you and your heart has been ripped from your body."
"The kids?" she questioned trying to get up knowing no matter how she hurt, she needed to take care of them.
"They're with Bobby and Jody for a couple of days. They're safe."
"Oh Sam what are we going to do?" she whimpered settling back in his arms.
"We help each other get through this." he replied trying not to burp afraid more would come up.
"Are you ok?"
"I need to..." he started pushing her away and scrambling off the bed toward the bathroom.
Esmee untangled herself from the sheets and headed for the bathroom. She found Sam hugging the commode and emptying his stomach contents into it.
"Oh Sammy." she scolded turning on the cold water to wet a cloth. She folded the cloth and laid it on the back of Sam's neck while she pushed his hair back behind his ears. Sam wrenched again finally getting everything out of his stomach. He spit and groaned sitting back and accepting the cup of water from her. Once he rinsed his mouth, he sipped the water slowly trying to see if it was going to stay down.
"Thanks." he said hoarsely coughing hard.
"You ok?"
"I think so." he said getting up and leaning against the sink swaying slightly.
"Come on Sammy, you need to lie down." Esmee coaxed putting an arm around his waist and guiding him toward the bedroom and bed.
"Crap." he moaned as she got him clumsily to the bed.
"Lay down, I know you're hurting as much as I am." she told him pushing him down on the bed.
"Stay with me." he offered. "I don't think either of us wants to be alone tonight."
Esmee looked down at Sam before crawling in bed with him. Both were still clothed and no thoughts other than comfort crossed either of their minds. Esmee lay in his arms trying not to cry again as Sam blinked back tears that invaded his eyes. He was going to have to tell her what happened, but decided to wait at least until tomorrow to allow them both time to grieve. Both settled down and let an uneasy sleep take over.
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The next morning came all too quick for both of them. Sam opened his eyes a slit to find Esmee still curled up beside him sobbing quietly in her sleep. It broke his heart to see her pain and know he was part of the cause of it. He tried to wake her, but she only pushed him away to sob into the pillow.
Sam pushed himself out of the bed and stumbled to the door, pausing to catch his breath before bouncing off the walls toward the kitchen. He stopped in the door way seeing the half full bottle on the table. He straightened his tall body and made himself walk steadily to the table grabbing the bottle and taking a big swig, deciding a glass was too much trouble. He grimaced as it hit his empty stomach causing him to gulp several times to quell the queasiness.
After another quick swallow, Sam searched in all the cabinets finding three full bottles to take with him back to the bedroom. He looked in the fridge scooping up some bottles of water and all the beers tossing them in a discarded plastic bag that was lying nearby. Being careful not to drop anything, he wobbled his way back to the bedroom dropping his stash on the bed before stumbling on to it.
"Esmee, you need to drink something." he offered holding out a bottle of water. Feeling the silence was closing in on him, Sam flipped the switch on the clock/radio by the bed. A deep male voice began to sing:
"Baby lock the door and turn the lights down low
Put some music on that`s soft and slow
Baby we ain`t got no place to go
I hope you understand
I`ve been thinking `bout this all day long
Never felt a feeling quite this strong
I can`t believe how much it turns me on
Just to be your man..."
"Oh God." Esmee whispered in shock as she listened to the song a sob catching her throat.
"What?"
"That was one of our favorite songs." she said quietly as the song played on. Sam tuned in the music thinking about his brother and could see him in the words.
"There`s no hurry
Don`t you worry
We can take our time
Come a little closer
Lets go over
What I had in mind
Baby lock the door and turn the lights down low
Put some music on that`s soft and slow
Baby we ain`t got no place to go..."
"I can turn it off."
"No, leave it, doesn't matter." she mumbled as they listened to more of the song as Esmee cried and Sam drank a beer.
"Ain`t nobody ever love nobody
The way that I love you
We`re alone now
You don`t know how
Long I`ve wanted to
Lock the door and turn the lights down low
Put some music on that`s soft and slow
Baby we ain`t got no place to go..."
She raised her tearstained face to look at his bleary form before letting her finger curl around the partly filled bottle of whiskey that was lying beside him. She uncapped it with shaky hands and tilted the bottle to her mouth to swallow a mouthful. Esmee choked and gasp as the fiery liquid coursed down her throat scorching it all the way down. It hit her stomach churning like a volcano waiting to erupt its lava. Sam pulled the bottle from her fingers knowing she didn't really drink, maybe an occasional beer at best. The music played softly in the background as Sam tried to console Esmee.
"Drink." Sam ordered shoving the bottle of water into her empty hand. Esmee obeyed taking in several small sips before propping herself on the headboard beside him. Sam sipped more of the demon liquid trying to numb his body and mind so he wouldn't have to feel anything. Neither spoke as they shared the rest of the bottle, Esmee not a drinker, passed out first leaning heavily against Sam. Sam finished the beer and opened a new bottle spilling some on his shirt as he finally got it to his lips sipping it. He sat it on the nightstand before letting his head fall forward in a drunken stupor.
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Something was crawling over Sam as he tried to pull himself out of the drunken haze and fight it off. He grabbed an arm and pushed it away thinking he was being attacked.
"'am." Esmee mumbled as she lay across his body reaching for the bottle on the nightstand.
"Es." Sam slurred letting her arm go and reaching for the bottle for her. "You don't need anymore."
"Bite me." she cried jerking the bottle out of his hand and bringing it to her lips swallowing what didn't drip down her chin.
Sam pulled it away as she collapsed in his lap, her body wracked in sobs. He used his free arm to pull her up into his embrace as his tears matched hers. He swallowed two heavy gulps letting his head fall back trying to make the headache and pain go away. He sat the bottle back down and found a half empty bottle of water down by his side. He opened it holding it to Esmee's lips forcing her to drink some of it. She sputtered and choked on the water but managed to get most of it down. Sam finished off the water and let the bottle drop to the floor. He wanted to throw up, but didn't have the energy to get up so he swallowed it back down and lay in the smelly, messed up bed holding Esmee as she mourned. They both cried until neither had any tears left. Esmee slumped into a restless sleep as Sam slipped under just enough to begin seeing images of the past events flood his mind once again.
Night and day meant nothing to them as they drown their sorrows in whiskey and beer not making it any further than the bathroom and back to bed. It didn't take much for Esmee to be crawling to the bathroom and clawing her way onto the commode to relieve herself before up chucking in the trash can beside her. Too tired and weak to get dressed, Esmee pulled her briefs up and left her pants on the floor. She pushed herself up on wobbly legs holding to the wall for support as she shuffled back into the bedroom.
Sam bumped into her as he tried to get to the commode to throw up. He groaned when the smell from the trash can hit him in the face causing him to dry heave. With a shaky hand, he tied the bag and pushed it over to the other side of the room. After he felt his stomach was churning less, he stood and relieved himself flushing the commode before running water and rinsing his mouth out. He looked into the mirror at his reflection not recognizing the face staring back at him. His hair was greasy and stringy and hung in a face that was hollow looking with red rimmed eyes that had dark circles under them bruising his pale face. He shut his eyes and turned away from the image knowing he didn't want to look at the reason Dean was gone.
He found Esmee half on and half off the bed with a beer in one hand and the last of the whiskey in the other. Without a second thought, he downed the rest of the beer and emptied the whiskey bottle tossing the empties to the floor.
"C'on Es." he slurred trying to lift her body to the bed without falling in the floor himself.
"No-o mm-mm" she whined too useless to help as Sam finally rolled her onto the bed.
He looked around, but didn't see anything else to drink only scattered empty bottles. He groaned and eased his abused body into the bed trying to pull a blanket up over both their prone bodies. Somewhere over the past few days, Sam had shed his jeans and outer shirt and was left with his briefs and tee shirt on. Esmee wasn't much better with only briefs and a tank top on. They gravitated toward each other trying to share what little warmth there was between them. Sam could feel wetness on his shirt where Esmee had started crying again. He closed his eyes as the tears leaked out of them and ran down his cheeks soaking into his pillow.
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Knocking could be heard on the front door, but neither semi-conscious bodies curled on the bed heard it. After picking the lock, Bobby let himself into the house and looked around. He didn't see any signs of life in the living room or kitchen so he headed slowly toward the bedroom being careful 'cause you never sneak up on a hunter unless you wanted to get shot.
The smell hit him halfway down the hall and lead him to the master bedroom on the right. He stopped at the doorway and looked in taking in every aspect of the room and the two prone figures lying on the bed. His eyes roamed over the empty beer and whisky bottles and noticed a few water bottles among the trash scattered around the bed. Music was still playing softly from the radio on the nightstand.
"God damn idjits." he growled stomping to the side of the bed that Sam lay on. He smelled the whiskey, beer, vomit and sweat wafting off the bed as the two lay curled together. "Sam Winchester, get your ass out of this bed right now."
"Uh-uh, wha...mm...head." Sam moaned raising a hand to his pounding head not sure he could raise it off the pillow.
"Serves you right, now come on, you need to snap out of it, there's three kids at my house depending on you."
"Too loud." Esmee mumbled trying to cover her head with Sam's pillow.
"Oh don't you worry lass, I'm coming back for you."
Bobby manhandled Sam out of the bed and with a steel grip drug his staggering body to the kid's bathroom. He pulled the curtain back and maneuvered him into the tub leaning him against the wall. He pulled the curtain and turned on the cold water directing the shower head directly onto Sam's smelly body.
"Holy crap!" Sam cried as the icy coldness jets of the water hit his body full force. He tried to move away from it, but Bobby's steel grip kept him in place as Sam sobered up fast. Sam gasps and clenched his jaw as his body began to shiver uncontrollably under the spray.
"Are yer sober now boy?" Bobby ranted at him madly giving him a shake.
"Yeah, Bobby, enough." Sam chattered as the coldness made its way to his bones.
Bobby adjusted the water warming it up and letting go of his arm. "Alright, get a shower so I can be in the same room with ya, then we're goin' to have a sit down."
Sam stood in the hot water trying to control his shaking body as his body temperature began to warm.
"I didn't hear ya son." Bobby commanded in a voice you didn't disobey.
"Yes sir." Sam finally got out reaching for some baby shampoo from the shelf. His mind was still not functioning but the tone of Bobby's voice got him moving quick enough.
Bobby headed back to the bedroom and over to Esmee's side of the bed. He paused for a moment as sadness overtook him and then he buckled down reaching down to shake her shoulder.
"Lass, get you ass out of this bed and into the shower."
"No..." she whined trying to move away from him.
"I hate to do this, but you got three little ones who wonder where their momma is."
Bobby got her up under her protest and steered her to the bathroom and into the shower stall. He turned on the cold water and let it douse her small form.
"Shit!" she cried trying to move into the corner away from the spray, but Bobby had a good grip on her upper arm and wouldn't let her.
"You need to sober up too, so you just let me know when you're awake."
"Ok Bobby...Yes...I'm awake...Stop!" she begged.
Bobby adjusts the water and stepped back. "Clean up, you both smell like a two bit bar."
"Ok." a small voice answered him as he stepped out of the bathroom.
Looking around at the mess in the floor, he grabbed a trash can and began to pick up the empties mumbling madly under his breath at what idiots both of them were. After cleaning the floor, he looked in the closet and found clean sheets so he could strip the bed and put on clean ones. With the room in some semblance of order, he headed out the door to meet a towel draped Sam coming out of the bathroom looking a little more human.
"Go get some clothes on, we're having a talk." he ordered a cowering Sam as he headed for the laundry room. Sam followed and went into his bedroom to find some clean clothes.
Bobby stopped in the kitchen and started a pot of strong coffee. He gripped the counter as he calmed himself before facing Sam and Esmee. Sam walked slowly into the kitchen afraid to look at Bobby. Bobby didn't say anything only stared at him. By the time the coffee was made, Esmee joined them looking pale and shaky.
"So, you two think empting liquor bottles is the way to handle this?" he shot at them. "I know you both were hit hard with what happened, but it's been almost four days now. You got others to think of here. Three kids need their momma and uncle, now you two need to pull it together or I'm goin' to kick your asses."
Sam and Esmee hung their head in shame knowing what he was saying was right. They had been only thinking of themselves and not the other people who were affected by this too.
"Now why don't you both have a cup of coffee, maybe something to eat, and try to get some sleep tonight? You call me tomorrow; those kids need to come home."
"Yes sir." they both whispered accepting the cups of coffee.
Bobby turned to leave, but paused for a moment looking back at them. "We'll get through this, yer're not alone, ya need to remember that."
They watched the older hunter head out of the house locking the door behind him. Sam looked over at Esmee and she looked at him.
"You look like crap." he said softly.
"Right back at you." she half smiled sitting the cup down not able to stomach the coffee.
"Come on, I think we need to both get some sleep." he said pushing her toward her bedroom.
Sam pulled the clean sheets back and let Esmee get in bed. He covered her and turned to go.
"Please Sam; I don't want to be alone."
Sam looked down at her pained face and nodded slightly going around to the other side of the bed and climbing in. Esmee let him settle before scooting over into his embrace. They lay there listening to the silence that surrounded them neither saying anything. The sun slowly began to set and the house began to settle with creaks and groans as the temperature slowly cooled off. Sam felt Esmee let herself go to sleep as her body relaxed against him. He kissed her head before doing the same.
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Esmee woke to Sam crying out and thrashing around in his sleep. He was calling for Dean as she tried to shake him awake without being slugged in the process.
"Sam! Sam! Come on please wake up." she begged him as he grabbed her arms tightly staring at her but not seeing her. "Sammy it's Esmee."
"Es." he croaked finally realizing he was clenching her arms too tightly. "Sorry Sis." he mumbled releasing her.
"It's ok, how you feeling?"
"Like shit." he grunted closing his eyes and throwing an arm over them.
"I'll go start some coffee and get us some aspirin."
"No, let me." he started trying to get up until his head started to pound and the room spin until he laid back down.
"I'm not the one who cleaned out the cabinets and fridge of anything with alcohol in it." she said slipping out of bed. "You lay still so you don't start throwing up again."
"Think I'll do that, but I had help with that you know."
"Yeah, yeah, don't remind me."
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"Sam, you awake?" Esmee asked coming back with two cups of coffee and some aspirin.
"Mm-mm?" he asked jerking himself back awake.
"Coffee and aspirin." she offered waiting for him to sit up.
Sam slid up in the bed and adjusted the pillows against the headboard before accepting the cup and pills. Esmee climbed back in bed and sat cross legged beside him. They both sipped their coffees afraid to look at each other for fear of crying again.
"Can you tell me what happened?" she asked cautiously not sure if she really wanted to know but knew she needed to know.
Sam paused looking down at his cup and stilled himself trying to decide on the right words to use. He was torn about telling her the truth since he didn't know how she was going to react. He didn't know if this might tear their family apart.
"Sam, please I want to know."
"It's... I...Oh God...Es." he stuttered trying to find his voice. "It's my fault, it happened because of me."
"I don't understand, what aren't you telling me?"
"Remember a little over a year ago we were gone for over a week."
"Yes, there were some supernatural problems you guys were dealing with and it took longer than you expected."
"We didn't tell you everything that happened and Dean didn't want to worry you, especially when you told us you were pregnant." he paused judging her reactions. "I-I died and Dean, well he summoned a crossroads demon and made a deal to bring me back. He traded his soul for my life. They only gave him a year, we tried to break it, I tried everything, but I couldn't stop them from taking him."
Sam was crying by now and he couldn't look her in the eyes for fear what he would see. He couldn't bear to see the look of betrayal and condemnation he thought would be there. She needed to know the truth no matter how hard it was to say.
"I'm so sorry Esmee, if you want me to leave I will." he said finally bringing his eyes up to look at her.
Esmee sat quietly on the bed trying to absorb what Sam was telling her. She knew the hunting they did was dangerous and there was always that possibility when they left one or both might not come back. She saw how close the brothers were and knew they would die for each other; she just didn't think it would really happen this soon.
"Say something Es." Sam said quietly as he wiped the tears from his face.
"He should of told me." she whispered softly. "Damn him, I could of handled it."
"I tried to get him to tell you, I wanted to tell you, but he made me promise not to. I-I..."
"Where is he?"
"When you make a deal like that and it comes due; your soul is taken to hell." he whispered. "His body, I buried in the woods."
"Oh no, oh Dean." she moaned in desperation. "Can we do anything?"
"I don't know." he admitted. "But, I'm goin' to try."
"I'm going to take a shower." she told him getting up to go to the bathroom not wanting to break down in front of him.
"Do you want me to leave?" he whispered sadly.
"No, I don't blame you Sam. How could I, I know Dean would do anything for you that's just who he is. You're my family; we're all each other has now besides Bobby and Jody. I don't want to lose anyone else right now, I don't think I could bear it."
Esmee closed the bathroom door and started the water in the shower. She slid down the wall and hugged her knees as she let the tears spill down her cheeks and sobbed into her arms. She couldn't believe she could still cry after all the tears already shed. She couldn't believe this was happening again, to find love and to lose it just in the blink of an eye.
"Esmee, you ok?" Sam asked tapping on the door.
"Yes." she called out, getting up and wiping her face deciding to take her shower.
A/N: This is longer than I usually make my chapters, but I decided not to break it up. So Esmee and Sam didn't handle Dean's death too good. Hope you enjoyed the read. Thanks so much to those who are following, favored and left me reviews. Please review.
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