Chapter 2: And Let Me Tell You, Those Days Sucked

When was the first time I figured out I didn't want to work for a living? That's an excellent question, self. I was still just a little brat, probably about four or five, and my father asked me what I wanted to do with my life.

Alright, keep in mind how young I was at the time and you'll understand how ridiculous it is that I had this alcoholic bastard bearing down on me like I was an unemployed thirty year-old still leeching off my parents. I'm telling you, it was looking like the Spanish Inquisition in there.

Since I was still little, I wasn't really catching on to the vibe in the room, so I gave some stupid wide-eyed answer like, "I want to be the prime minister in the day and an astronaut at night."

Heh. Daddy-dearest wasn't feeling the dream, you see. Even my mother who was chilling in the corner, watching me like the warden of a prison, kissed her teeth.

I'm not sure whether it was at my father or at me. My mother had a hard time deciding what kind of person she wanted to be. I swear, it was like a day-to-day thing with this woman, like on Monday, she wore her understanding-and-doting-mother-of-the-year blouse. Then on Tuesday, she burned that blouse and threw on her psycho-bitch tank top.

My father was simpler. He wore his supreme-prick t-shirt at all times.

So, long story short, my father went on and on about how stupid I was for not having realistic aspirations and how dreams don't pay bills.

Thanks for the life advice, old man, because I'd probably be trying to buy food at the market with my latest action-packed, erotic dream had it not been for your advice.

I guess that's what the psychoanalyst pros would call a traumatic experience? Whatever the case, my mind is busted as far as motivation to work goes, because past that point, there wasn't anything that struck my fancy. Chalk that up to a neat combination of being hit with a nasty dose of pessimistic, realism when I really shouldn't have been and my not actively looking for things to feel passionate about.

So, it's a whole new feeling for me: this whole feeling like actually wanting to do something. Heh. Who would have thought that something would be gaming?

Huh. I wonder what the chances are of someone taking VRMMO gaming in a lucrative direction. Making bank from kicking ass in video games? Sign my delinquent ass up for that.

"Daishi, at least pretend like you care about anything I'm saying."

"I'm not that good of an actor, Ms. Takamoto." Plus one on my side of scoreboard. Wait, are those the laughs of my peers I hear? Make that plus two.

"I am not standing here teaching for my health. Understand that we, your teachers, are trying to help you. We would appreciate you meeting us halfway in that regard. No more and certainly no less, Daishi," Takamoto said, reciting a speech that sounded like background music to my ears.

"Roger. Let's see how tomorrow goes, okay?" I offered. I fought back a smirk when I intercepted Takamoto's glare. "What? You can't expect me to quit daydreaming cold turkey like that."

Ken, sitting in the desk next to mine, laughed like he was drunk at a night show. Damn, I'm not that funny. Chill the hell out.

Things quieted down after that. Takamoto went back to teaching our quaint class of twenty-three, so, you know, daydreaming/nap time for your boy, until Ken apparently decided things were too quiet on our side of the classroom.

"Yo, Don," Ken said quietly, bumping my shoulder until I stuck my middle finger in his face. "Game up, today?"

"That's what I'm screaming, man."

(Day 26 of the Beta - 8th Floor Dungeon Entrance)

"Trippy," I said, staring at the massive fir tree and the man-sized hole in its bark. "If I walk in there, I won't have termites crawling in my ass, right?"

Nek grinned as he finally caught up, walking through the thick, green forest. "That'd be like a dream come true for you, wouldn't it, Hiko?"

"Everything I've always wanted and more."

Nek laughed before he started going through his menu. I was about to go on through the tree... dungeon... dungeon tree... entrance extravaganza thing when a trade request from Nek invaded my eyes.

"The Venom Claws?" I turned to face Nek who was still grinning. "You got your ugly bartering face on. What the hell do you want this time?"

"Your soul."

"Don't have one of those. Try again."

Nek scoffed halfheartedly. "I was joking, bud," he said, rolling his eyes. "Besides, you have a soul. It's just a really nasty one."

"Now that the state of my soul's been established," I said evenly, "what the fuck do you want?"

"Remember that sweet shank you got from the quest on the 7th floor? I want it. Today. This minute, damn it," Nek damn near begged me.

"Easy, man, before you start foaming from the mouth," I said, un-equipping the weapon and placing it on my side of the trade. My old claws were getting a bit outdated, so this worked out just fine for me.

"Nice doing business with you, Hiko." Nek patted me on the shoulder. I glared at the hand for a second before toying with the new claws at my side.

"Who'd you steal this from, anyway?" It had to be hot. Every time Nek had something to trade me, it was some shit he copped off some other player.

"It was a monster drop."

My eyes trailed up toward the orange indicator over his head. "A monster drop that you stole from someone else," I said, before nodding. "Good stuff, bro."

Nek looked up to my orange indicator. "I see you, too, dabble in the thieving debauchery."

I smirked and ran my hand through my black hair. "So, where's everybody else? We were only a little bit ahead of the wonder boys."

"They saw us. Enough said."

Yeah, our reputation is pretty damn magnificent. After the first few floors, Nek and I showed everybody the two guys you don't want to fuck with. I mean, it totally makes sense in my regard. People generally want to avoid me almost immediately after meeting me. Nek... hang on, let me get real for a second. Ken's a totally different sword: he's actually a decent person. Get to know him, and you'll definitely like him.

Until you find out he's klepto like a motherfucker. That's right. He's a kleptomaniac who just so happens to make it beneficial for himself and, most of the time, for me. I wouldn't exactly say he enjoys it. In fact, I wouldn't say that at all. I guess he just makes it work for him and for his friend(s).

There you have it. Ken steals shit because of an impulse control disorder. I do it because I'm the devil's seed.

"Even Kirito?" I asked.

"He should be here. He's not orange-phobic like the others," Nek answered, looking around the thick forest for the man decked in black.

"Hang on," I said before checking the time. "It's hella late, man."

"How late?"

"'Potheads with the munchies showing up at fast-food joints' late."

"Whoa," Nek drawled. "So, like, 3:30 am?"

"On the dot," I said. "Well, I don't have anyone that gives a damn about me. I can still game."

"My sister will stab me if I don't get to bed now and go to school tomorrow... or today, rather," Nek said. "I don't got the time to clear this dungeon with you, now. Want to do it big tomorrow?"

I didn't answer, just shot him a halfhearted smirk. Nek grinned at me before he dropped his menu and tapped his log-out option. "Tell your sister I said she's hot!" I threw in.

"Fuck y-" His avatar disappeared before he got the chance to finish his comeback.

I looked around after Nek left. Lush, tall green trees as far as the eye can see. The leaves on those trees and the glimmering grass beneath my feet swayed with a subtle breeze. A blue, cloudless sky resided above my head.

Radio silence.

I leaned against the massive fir tree in the center of it all and dropped down with a heavy sigh.

Alone.

My boots were putting in overtime as they stomped the dungeon floor. I ran on the disturbingly gray grass, purposefully ignoring the growling, hissing, and the rapid footsteps coming from behind me. I smirked when spotted a narrow path to my right. I put my buffed Agility to the test and sprinted until I took the sharp right turn down the narrow path. Then, I did a 180 and stared pointedly at the path I just came from.

And now, I wait.

The footsteps were clear as day, so timing this wouldn't be an issue. I readied the daggers at my side, the sword on my back, and the new Venom Claws on my hands.

I guess now's as good a time as any to break them in.

I launched into action when the footsteps indicated that my enemies were just a hair's breadth away. I chucked a couple of daggers before I even saw any of the armored, gray lizard creatures, nailing one of them as soon as it came into view. It recoiled from the hit and that was all the window I needed to land six swipes with my Venom Claws. Immediately, I had to duck and roll to avoid three separate sword slashes from three different opponents.

"Balls, balls, balls, balls," I muttered when another three of my new lizard best buddies met me at the end of my roll. I didn't even bother getting back to my feet. Instead, I swapped to my sword to keep the two lizards that decided to take a swing at me in a deadlock. I swept their legs with an inward kick and brought my leg up and slammed the closest enemy with a downward kick. I used the momentum from the kick to get back on my feet and to stand on top of my lizard buddy I just kicked.

I saw the other enemy I knocked over trying to stand back up. "Take your punk-ass back on the ground," I said, chucking my third dagger at its forehead, knocking it back over. Then, I looked at the writhing reptile fucker that was under my boots. "Hey, how ya doing?"

It hissed in response.

"Amen, brother." I did a little tap dance on its face before jumping off and landing on the other lizard creature I knocked over. "Wouldn't want to leave you out, best buddy number two." I danced all over its face before I was forced do a different dance to avoid getting gutted by the other enemies.

Once I was off the lizard's face, I stared down my opponents. I could see the first enemy I diced only now getting back into action. The Venom Claws stunned the fucker for that long?

Nek, sometimes you're a winner.

I sheathed my sword and brandished my claws. I scraped them against each other and smirked, watching the two lizards I danced on, standing back up. "Come one, come all! Hiko's giving out free ass kickings by the dozen. Limited time only."

The lizards hissed before charging all at once.

Heh. I guess now's as good a time as any to try something that's been swimming around my head.

Sword Skills can be broken down like this: a combat assist system, fighting auto-pilot essentially. When you throw one out, you can't use the skill for a set amount of time, and your body pretty much freezes up for a bit, depending on how high level the skill was.

Basic skills have negligible lag time, pretty much the amount of time it takes to lift your weapon after an attack is your lag time.

Did you get all that? You better have, because I'm not repeating myself.

I met my enemies in the middle of their charge, balls out aggressive. My claws were the first things I used: a basic three-swipe combo on one of the damaged lizards. Immediately, I spun, using the motion to narrowly avoid a counter from another opponent. My right hand was clocking in: I quickly set the claw on my right hand at my side and pulled my last dagger. I pegged it at the lizard directly behind the one closest to me.

I did another spin and freed my left hand of the poisonous claw, before pulling out my sword, locking blades with the closest lizard. I needed to give myself some breathing room, so I strong-armed the lizard back. I broke the deadlock, then followed up with a standard, diagonal overhead slash. A quick sheathing of my sword and one quick unleashed of the Venom Claws later, and that lizard was putting on a blue light show.

I didn't let up. I was on top of the rest of the mob within the second. I completely ignored the closest lizard and swung my claws at the next closest, swerved past it, then attacked the next.

Damn, these Venom Claws stunned them for so long, you'd think I nailed them with a taser.

Hang on, one of the lizards just died without me touching it. Venom Claws, huh? Makes sense that it would inflict poison.

"Okay, I declare this fight over," I said, dashing in and attacking, alternating between my claws and my sword until the entirety of my opposition popped like blue fireworks. I wish I could say it was a flawless victory, but it wasn't, so I can't.

"Bet you're wishing you didn't sign off for the night, Nek. Ass kicking like this is the kind of the thing you see only when you're with Hiko," I said before pulling out a health restoring potion and taking a swig. "Not even your dreams can provide you what I got in droves."

What do they call this in school, the literary device when you're talking to someone that ain't actually there? An apostrophe?

Well, I call it Hiko-level fucked in the head.

"Damn," I scoffed. Look left, and I see gray grass and slightly darker gray trees. Look right, and- "This dungeon is molesting my eyes, and I need an adult."-all more of the same dank environment. Bodying the numerous reptile goons was working wonders for my level, though, so, hey, silver lining.

"Eeny, meeny, miny, left turn." And so, I proceeded. Not even two minutes later, I ended up finding the boss door, or at least I'm guessing that's what it was. It was a massive bush, thorny as hell, and the only hint of green in this otherwise gray dungeon. There was a opening in the center, making me assume it was a door.

I smirked. Punching my right hand into my left hand, I sauntered up to the door, feeling like what Akihiko Kayaba must feel like when he rolls up in a gaming convention. If I had a collar, I would have popped that shit. That was the taste in my mouth walking up to the door.

The following taste in my mouth was like someone slipped some coleslaw in my orange juice.

Seconds after spreading the opening wide enough to let me in (Oh, Hiko, you dog), my eyes locked on to a seven-headed snake. Close your eyes, and picture this: wide room, high ceiling, about six or seven meters if I were to hazard a guess, dirt floor, trees surrounding the arena-like dirt floor, and a hella nasty-looking, slithering cobra with seven heads, hella tall, with four arms and the face of a woman on the center-most head. Bitch was holding swords in each hand, too.

Its eyes locked on to me in an instant.

"My bad. I forgot to knock. Well, fuck it. I'm Hiko. Who the hell are you?"

An ear-shattering wail was its answer. It raised a sword above its head, and I saw lightning run through the floor. A sword materialized in front of the boss, and-

"Nope." I stepped out of the boss room and slammed the bush shut. "Fuck. That." I pulled up my menu and slammed my finger down on the log out button, muttering nos the whole time.

Back at the ranch...

My eyes opened in the real world. I reoriented myself slowly before taking the NerveGear off my head. I checked my phone to see the time: 5:26 am. Damn. What's sleep, again? Hell, I'm not even tired.

Hit the streets or get what little sleep I can manage and go to school tomorrow?

Gee, I fucking wonder.

Ain't a thing in this world better than those twenty-four hour cafes, I noted, a single ear-bud resting in my left ear with the corresponding right ear-bud just hanging loose. I was chilling in the middle of the cafe, sitting at a table, just staring out the window at the still dark sky. There were very few people out and about at this time. You got your early-morning workers on their grind, homeless folks looking for luck, busters like me, loitering anywhere we can, and that was pretty much the crowd out on this fine morning.

I stopped at Ken's house earlier, but his sister, who was just getting back from her night-shift job, kindly told me fuck off and let her brother sleep. Moving forward.

Is there any such thing as a bumping city at 6:00 am? Doubt it, but, hey, when you can't sleep and the boss on the 8th floor of the SAO beta is a hardcore, seven-headed snake, loiter you're life away. That's a quote to live by, right there. Don Daishi, 2022.

Moving forward. I shotgunned the rest of my hot chocolate (judge me) and trashed the styrofoam cup. Back on the streets, I was scoping out something to do. Literally nothing. Other than the cafe I was just lounging in, just about everything else is closed or not worth the footsteps it'd take to walk through the door.

To the park! About fifteen minutes of listening to bangers later, my feet touched down on that beautiful, morning dewy grass. I took a deep breath and savored the fresh air. This was one of the rare moments in real life in which I felt like I could relax; the kind of moment in which all thoughts of the past fucked off as they should.

I ran a hand through my long black hair and smiled. Kaze-Ao Park, home away from home. It's got all the things that make parks great: you got ample grassy fields for whatever the hell you want, you got slides and swings and the like. This was my safe haven back when I was a kid. Whenever I needed an out and a quick pick-me-up, I came here.

As soon as I stepped foot in the park, my eyes scoped out the swings, my personal favorite part of the park. My ass has laid a claim on that set damn near a decade ago. Animals with keen noses know to stay away from the swing which my budokai has marked. Smiling like a fiend, I walked with a pep in my step toward the swing. When I got there, it was like fireworks went off in my head. Roses sprouted on the ground near the swing, and gumdrops of all flavors rained from the sky in droves. My booty made contact with the cool metal, and the feeling detonated in the best kind of way.

Good God, I'm a fucking child.

A squeak (yes, a squeak like a rubber duck) snapped me out of my reverie. I looked to my left to find a bespectacled, black-haired girl shivering and looking at me like I was about to run up on her, strapped. She seemed like she was about to run off before I spoke. "Chill, chill. Pay no attention to the man-child to your right. You may proceed with your regularly scheduled programming." That's the kind of thing those emergency tests say on the T.V. after the annoying beeping, right?

She was still staring at me like a spooked cat.

"P-p-please don't stare," I faked a stutter, placed my hand over my face, and looked around like a nervous person would. "My wittle ol' heart can't take it."

Now, she was just giving me a weird look. At least she stopped that scared animal shit.

Huh. I wonder what class she fits into. Early-morning worker? Nah, way too young. She looks like a schoolgirl. Homeless? She a little too nicely groomed for that to be the case. She's pretty cute, actually, so scratch homeless off. Loitering buster like me? Maybe.

"Nothing gets passed you, madam," I said, cutting the act and getting some momentum on the swing. "What's a young, pretty chica like you doing here at the ass crack of dawn?"

She stiffened a bit, something I caught on to, then directed her gaze at the ground. "I couldn't sleep."

"Join the club. I got absolutely no shut-eye last night."

She looked up, curiosity clear in her eyes. "Why didn't you get any sleep?"

I smirked. "Getting a little personal there. We just met. You gotta wine and dine me before I start spilling secrets."

She blushed and her eyes went southward, again. "Sorry. I didn't mean to pry."

I scoffed. "I'm just screwing with you. I was having fun with my best friend, and we lost track of time. I wasn't feeling too tired, and sleep... well, it isn't my most favorite thing in the world for reasons." Legit reasons. I'm not screwing with her this time. "So, I figured I'd come to this place. You know how people talk about 'happy places?' Well, this is mine."

She nodded. It got silent between the two of us. Hell, I didn't even know why I was talking to this girl in the first place. Maybe the fatigue was finally setting in and affecting my normal brand of asshole attitude. Maybe it was the environment.

"So, what's eating at you and keeping you from dreamland?" I asked as I swung.

She didn't answer. She kept her gaze focused on the ground.

"You asked me, remember? You better answer or forever be labelled as a dirt-bag."

If it didn't seem so out of character for her, I would have sworn she just glared at me.

"Something happened about three years ago that still haunts me, even when I'm asleep," she said, maintaining eye contact with me.

I scoffed. "And you win the prize for vagueness. Congratulations." Wow, she really did just glare at me.

"'Sleep isn't my most favorite thing in the world for reasons,'" she quoted, fixing a fierce glare on me. "If I win the vagueness prize, you're toting the silver medal."

I just smirked at her, and slowly, as if her mind were just catching up with her mouth, she blushed and clammed up, again.

"The mouth on this girl..." I said, smirking and shaking my head with my eyes closed.

It got quiet, again, the kind of quiet in which it's like something needs to be said, but no one really knows what. The only sound in the park was the newly awakened birds singing and my swing. She was just using hers as a seat.

"Yo, you go to school, right?" The answer was pretty obvious since she was wearing a school uniform. She looked surprised, then she shot up from her swing.

"Oh! What time is it?"

I checked my phone. "7:46." Minus an hour. "Can you say late?"

Her eyes got wide, and she fixed her bag on her shoulder before taking off.

"Hang on a sec!" I called out, getting her to turn around and face me. "What's your name?"

"Shino Asada. What's yours?"

I clicked my teeth and wagged my finger. Then, I winked at her. "Can't be dishing out all the goods in the first meeting."

She glared at me before huffing and running off. I chuckled, wondering when she'd figure out I gave her the wrong time.

I sighed and got off the swing. Maybe I'll go to school, after all.

(Day 27 of the Beta - 8th Floor Boss Door)

This fucking boss. I could just tell this was going to be a trip. Nek was standing next to me. Kirito was next to him, and the deluxe wonder boys were behind us, keeping a little distance between them and us. And here I stood, back in the saddle, in front of the massive bush that leads to the hardcore, snake bitch.

Well, my balls might just jump into gut, but there's no moving forward unless we merk this boss. "Nut up time, boys," I said, spreading the bush open and walking inside. Everyone else followed in short order.

"Remember me, bitch? What am I saying? Of course you do! You don't forget a face like this!" I said, smirking and scraping my claws against each other.

Nek walked up to my side. "I'm pretty sure your ego leaves a big enough mark. If we get a magnifying glass, I'm sure we'd find some residue left over."

"Hell yeah, I'm the fucking greatest."

The creepy-crawly boss, Hydra was its name, lifted its sword and, like clockwork, lightning ran through the ground and a sword materialized. Hydra's eyes locked onto me, and the sword came at me.

"Well, fuck me in particular!" I sidestepped the sword easily enough, but damned if that was all she wrote. The damn thing came back around and, once again, seemed to have a vendetta against me. I swapped my claws for my sword which was a better defensive option. "Running's for weenies, anyway." I met the flying sword half way and slammed my blade into it. I feel like an utter scrub for saying this, but the sword was pressing me back.

"Hiko, watch your back, man!" Nek called out. Before I could figure out what he was screaming for, something slashed my shoulder. Well, on the bright side, my arm's still attached. Silver lining and all that.

I cursed and broke the deadlock with the first flying sword so I could fall back. "Yo, you guys just focus on the slithering bitch. I'll catch up when the laws of physics finally kick in with these swords."

Nek nodded, and he, Kirito, and the wonder boys went balls out on Hydra.

I backpedaled when the two swords kicked into motion, again. "This is buns. Utter burnt buns." I ducked one sword, ran forward, and quickly connected my blade with the other to knock it off course. I kept running a bit before turning around to face my mortal enemies.

Hang on, is that a third sword coming for my ass?

"It's like that, though? We're playing favorites, now?" I backpedaled again and sidestepped the three oncoming flying weapons. I swapped my sword for my claws. I needed a quick offense. I figured I would just shatter these Hiko-seeking missiles with some rapid swipes. "Gotta say...these swords have impeccable taste in men. I'm still gonna turn'em into yesterday's garbage." I scraped my claws together. "Meet the trash compactor, bitches!"

I charged the three blades. I kept running until I was so close to the nearest sword that I could spit on it if I wanted to, then I swayed to avoid its downward slash and countered with a quick one-two swipe. I didn't give it enough attention to see if I destroyed it then and there, because I was too focused on getting my pound of flesh from the other two swords. I gave those the same treatment and scraped my claws victoriously.

Heh. Bit of premature victory celebration.

When I turned around, I saw six, count'em, six more fucking flying terrors coming for my bones. The first three ass-pains were still kicking, cracked and worn, but kicking, nonetheless. It wasn't too much of a stretch of the mind to figure the modus operandi: the swords were only targeting me (the reason for that was anyone's guess) and every time I hit one, another one materialized and came for my blood. The swords followed my every step pretty faithfully, and they seemed like they would until I was six feet deep.

Well, that gives me an idea.

I charged the nine swords, bobbing and weaving between them and their attempts to gut me. I didn't turn back. I just kept running under the assumption that I was the swords' one true love.

"Part the red sea, damn it!" I shouted, hoping the clearing party would get the point. Huh, the deluxe wonder boys took three bars of HP out of Hydra's seven. Pretty sure there are significantly less of them than when we started, but, hey, good shit, anyway.

"I've seen enough anime to know where this is going." I heard Nek say. Others started catching on to my classic plan and watched eagerly to see if it would work.

As I hoped, everyone gave me a wide birth for my plan. Now, I just hoped I was fast enough for this to work. Hydra's dumb little face turned to me just as I getting close. The boss raised one of its swords over its head, ready to slash me in half. I cranked my speed to the max (I always knew Agility was the best attribute to bump) and sidestepped Hydra's attack. I jumped on its large arm and ran up it for a bit before jumping over its center-most head.

After I landed, I turned around to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Right about now, the swords should be piercing Hydra-Fuck! I sidestepped the swords that conveniently maneuvered around Hydra and came for me, again.

"Wow, that was lame as hell, Hiko."

Shut the hell up.

"Going out like a total buster, huh, Hiko?"

Shut your dumb little face.

"Can I have your weapons after you die, Hiko?"

And you guys wonder why I hate you all. Actually, matter of fact...

I dodged the swords and ran around Hydra. I was seeing red. You don't shit-talk Hiko. I'm the King of Thieves, and you never sleep on the King of Thieves. I only caught the face of the last person I heard. The other wonder boys were lucky they talked while I was still in shock about my plan failing. This wonder boy, on the other hand...

His eyes widened when he saw me quickly approaching him in particular. "H-hang on a sec, man. I was just joking. I was just joking!" He turned tail and ran, but I was faster and so were the swords that were chasing me. When I got close enough, I placed my right hand on his head and spring boarded myself over him. He stumbled and I kicked him into the swords.

I'm sure you can imagine the pretty little scene that followed.

Now that that was taken care of, plan B ahoy! I can't block the swords, and I can't destroy them without more swords being spawned. Thinking cap time.

Alright, I think I got something.

I kept running on the dirt floor until I came to the forest area of the boss room. I swerved between the trees and listened closely as the swords cut straight through the trees and followed me. I dashed in between them to get at least two swords in a certain position, preferably two of the swords I damaged before. I needed one of the damaged swords to be a decent distance ahead of another damaged sword. When I got that to happen, I charged at the swords and ducked under the leading sword. I kept my pace until I was right in front of the second sword.

Here comes the hard part. I need near perfect timing or the swords would just swerve around each other and I'd be back in the neutral.

I waited. Even when I was in breathing distance on the sword in front of me, I waited. It wasn't until the sword was threatening to go through my nose and out the back that I did something kind of stupid.

I backpedaled.

The sword behind me wasn't close enough for my liking, so I jumped back to get the spacing tighter. Now, I didn't have a really great idea of how close the sword behind me was, I just knew it wasn't close enough. For all I knew for sure, I would have jumped back and got skewered.

But that didn't happen. I ducked as soon as I finished my last step backward. The two damaged swords met in a clash above my head and shattered.

If that didn't work, I'd be the dumbest buster to ever bust, but it worked, so I'm a fucking genius. That's how life works.

No rest for the King of Thieves, though. I still had seven swords to deal with.

Well, I have a working strategy. Why switch it up?

Reload and repeat. I kept up the strategy until I was faced with a bit of a conundrum. Odd numbers be damned. The fuck am I supposed to do about this last sword?

Know what? I'm feeling a sequel to plan A.

"Part the Pacific Ocean!" Heh, I can't say Red Sea two times in a row. This is the sequel, after all.

As an after thought, if I fuck up and this sword even so much as scrapes me, I'm dead. Four repetitions of plan B didn't go without consequences, I'll tell you that much.

The deluxe wonder boys did as I said, this time with smirks on their faces. Assholes. They were expecting me to go out like a buster, again.

Thou shalt not sleep on the King of Thieves.

I kept sprinting. This was the salty run-back my soul needs for vindication, damn it! Hydra faced me again, its health dangerously low. I needed to time this better than I did last time. I could feel it in my blood.

"For Narnia!" I shouted, smirking like a fiend as I sidestepped Hydra's four-armed assault. I didn't run up its arm this time. I danced between its arms and ran up to its midsection where I placed my back against it. I waited for a split second and ducked when the iron was hot.

"Fuck yeah!" I cheered when the sword pierced Hydra. The boss let out a death rattle and-

Alright, let me take a second to explain what happened next. Imagine you're making a gourmet meal. You've been prepping for this shit for weeks, and when it was crunch time, you put in work, just as you needed. Now, imagine you tripped up a bit when first trying to make that gourmet meal. You nearly lost hope. You damn near flipped a table and abandoned this cooking.

But you didn't. No, you kept grinding. You knew in your heart of heart's that you could make that damn meal, and nothing short of spontaneous combustion would deter you. On your second try, you nailed it. The meal was absolutely perfect. Everyone doubted you, slept on you, but fuck'em all, you proved them wrong.

Got that picture in your head? Good. Now, picture this heart-breaker: you dropped the tray that held the meal. Fucking dropped it.

That's the taste in my mouth right now. The sword came back full-circle, looped around, and stabbed me literally the split second before Hydra bit the dust. Stupid ass dramatic death animations.

My game display went red before going all black.

YOU ARE DEAD.

Eat my ass.

That one goes out to all the gamers who, right when they thought they beat some challenge or boss, got merked by some cheap, last second shit. Worse yet when it happens in an RPG, and you're breaking your brain trying to figure out when was the last time you saved. Hours of progress, straight down the shitter.

Offer up your prayers, everybody.

Next time is when the meat of the story is breached. Til then.