Chapter 8

Severide was sat in the back of the ambulance, a blanket wrapped around his numb body as he watched Dawson attempting to resuscitate Casey, Shay was also in the back going between helping Dawson and trying to get something out of him, concern pouring off her in crashing waves.

The moment a beep was heard on the heart monitor things changed again, Kelly felt the Ambo roar into life and race to the hospital, but he was wholly focused on the blood that stained the inside of the mask they had placed on Casey's bruised face.

Then Casey was convulsing with the fever that coursed through his body the monitor screaming a shrill monotone sound until the shaking stopped and he'd done nothing, he couldn't move a muscle.

Casey!

A harsh shout wrenched Kelly Severide out of a fitful sleep, throwing the sweat soaked covers off him he sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands and gently shook his head, trying to clear the tormented images running through his mind.

Breathing deeply no longer helped when it got to this point, scrubbing calloused hands over his face, he only barely resisted the urge to gouge his eyes out, it wouldn't help anything. He stalked angrily to his bathroom, turning on the taps and hanging on to the edge of the basin like it was his only lifeline and stared at himself in his mirror.

The hairline fractures present a reflection of his weary soul and made by the same hands that hadn't realised...

NO!

He'd promised not to let his mind wander to that but the guilt...it held on so strong and he wondered if this is what he'd done to Matt not so long ago in the wake of Andy's death and now here he was...

Splashing water on his face in attempt to cool himself down he found himself looking out his small window at the all encompassing darkness that seem always present each time he would wake in this state. Nothing would calm the rage within him, bruised hands attested to many nights of late night punching bags and sparing with anyone else in the gym late at night. And it only made him hate himself more as he had had an outlet after Andy and now this and all he had done was berate Casey when everything was falling apart for him and he hadn't noticed.

Just like he hadn't...

"Kelly? You have to stop doing this."

Shay's worry forced him to look at her, her own features speaking of the difficult time they had all been having. Tired, sad eyes bored into him imploring him to speak to her. The lack of anger or blame in her eyes forced his to blur at the surrealism of it.

He turned away from her and spoke words she had heard a hundred times in the past few weeks.

"How can you even stand to look at me after..." He was cut off, now she was angry but not at him, angry at the situation they'd been forced into far too soon.

"Kelly Severide! None of this was your fault!" She tried to remain angry but her voice cracked, silent tears tracking down her face at the pain her friend was in.

"But I should have..." His voice a picture of misery.

"Should have what? Ran to get help?" she saw him almost nod but she continued, "Should have left him to find us, should have left him to die cold and alone, confused as all hell thinking there was no one coming to save him, thinking that his men, his friends had abandoned him." She had to stop to catch her breath.

"You wouldn't have done that to anyone, not even if you hated them and we both know it! You did the right thing Kelly!"

Kelly stood shocked but he recovered quickly, "But at least he might..."

"Nobody can know that." She reasoned sadly, she moved towards Kelly hoping to sooth him after the nightmare that had become his new routine. She sorely hoped that he would be better by now but considering everything they didn't know yet, she didn't know how to help or what had happened between Kelly finding Casey and them arriving at the scene what seemed like a lifetime ago.

It had been a shock to them all, the events blurred and twisting themselves in such a way that they all felt responsible and guilty with Kelly carrying the worst of it, even though the ones truly responsible had gotten their comeuppance from the one they had attempted to destroy.

"Kelly, " Shay tried to be gentle but she knew her next words would hurt him no matter what anyone did. "We have to get ready soon."

Kelly tensed at the words and looked again to his window, the sun barely peaking through the grey clouds predicted to last the whole day, a perfect imitation of that day weeks ago, as if nature knew the torment of the firehouse which strived to protect and defend and the time they hadn't been able to.

The words were familiar and unwanted.

Doctors have that tone, that indescribable tone and walk where you know that they have done all they can or couldn't have done much in the first place. The tone that speaks to the weary hours of the morning that no one wishes to hear, not after everything they had already been through. A tone that tells you have to prepare yourself for the worst and that there was no hope left even with all the medical advances and all the lifesaving miracles to the contrary.

"I," He started hoarsely, "I can't be there."

"You can..." She couldn't continue her thought though, Severide had stilled, gaze distant and she wondered what he was remembering this time.

The darkness was back, so dark it was that he could barely see but he held Casey's hand to ground him through the fevered confusion. Then, as if a switch was flipped he was outside, Matt's cold dead body in his grasp and everyone shouting his name. Shouting that it had all been his fault then he was spinning, lost in the fear that he had killed his friend.

"Kelly, you promised..." Shay's voice was soft, gentle and non-intrusive but it still made Kelly flinch.

"I promised I'd get him out of there," He could still feel Casey's hand searching for someone to ground him in the darkness.

"You did, Kelly!" Shay looked confused and concerned at the same time, she grabbed him by the face and forced his glazed eyes to look at her.

"But it didn't help!" Kelly was trying to pull away but Shay wouldn't let go.

"You. Got. Him. Out!" She tried to emphasise every word, this hadn't the first time this had happened but it was the first that he couldn't be convinced.

"But he died right there in my arms and I didn't do a thing, I didn't even notice!" Kelly turned so fast his fist hit the mirror again and the fractures deepened. The blood and pain in his knuckles were ignored even as the drops splattered to the ground.

Shay sighed, they had been down this road before.

"Kelly, you got him out, you stayed with him, you made sure he wasn't alone when he needed you, you couldn't have done anymore than that."

"I could have found him earlier. I could have saved him!"

"He's not dead!" Shay had gone from concerned to angry so fast that Kelly didn't have time to dodge the smack to his face.

"But he's not here either and the doctors are going to stop soon." Kelly voice was now small, childlike.

And that's what all this was about, it had been three weeks since Kelly had come running out of a disused warehouse building with Casey in his arms not breathing. And while they had gotten him breathing in the ambulance, the seizure and infection had all taken a huge toll on his body and between surgery, more fevered nights and losing nearly one third of his total blood volume along with the head injury he had yet to wake up.

With the fever breaking last week they had had some hope that he was going to come round soon, but it never happened, they did another scan of his head to see if they could find anything but it hadn't shown anything either. The bruising had faded over the last three weeks and the stab wound that he'd originally known nothing about was now healing, albeit slowly.

The doctors were at a loss as to explain why young Matthew Casey was in a coma when in every other respect he was getting better though he was still on a ventilator because his lungs refused to breathe on their own. Now the doctors were talking about the trauma of the whole ordeal his body had gone through.

So now they were just waiting and hoping that something would change soon as the firehouse was not the same without Casey and it was driving everyone mad.

TBC

I know it starts really mean but what am i to do when my muse wanted to actually kill him but then remembered that I hadn't warned anyone about it so i couldn't really haha hope you all enjoyed it all the same! Thanks to Callisto-HK you are awesome for the quick read of this and reassurance :D