It's completely dark in her dorm room. She hears the steady sound of his breathing and she knows he's asleep, but she's wide awake. He's still right here, next to her, but somehow she feels like she's dying.
They're leaving tomorrow, to head to opposite sides of the country. It's something she told him to do, to leave her. She knows it's the right thing, having spent all of her college years with him. She needs to be on her own for a while, to figure out what she really wants in life. She just didn't expect it to be this hard.
This is why she didn't want to fall in love with him at first. This is why she fought it, to avoid feeling like this. But this gnawing ache in the pit of her stomach is a thousand times worse than how she felt when her father left. It feels like a hole in the center of her being. She can't breathe.
She rolls away from him, thinking that putting a little distance between her body and his is going to help. She doesn't sleep much that night, if at all.
It isn't until he's out of sight that she allows herself to break down, to feel something. She's been putting on an act for him, because she knows if she lets on how she really feels he won't go, and he needs to go. She's not going to be the one responsible for him not reaching his dreams.
The days without him pass, and she feels nothing but empty. She doesn't enjoy anything as much as she used to, and even music can't seem to heal the constant dull ache in her chest. And as each day blends into the next, she tries to convince herself that this pain will ease with time, but it doesn't.
She sleeps clutching the extra pillow, his pillow, to her chest, pressing it tightly to herself in an effort to fill the hollow void, but it never really works.
Every man she meets is compared to him. Every feeling she has that even closely resembles joy or laughter, and her thoughts shift to him. Every song about love or loss drains her to the point where she's shaking. She decides that this hollow feeling must be because she gave her heart to him a long time ago, and she's never going to get it back.
She opens the door to her apartment and the stereo flicks on as if on cue. Simple Minds starts playing -their song, of all songs. She's just not in the mood for this. "What the—" she says aloud as she turns on the light.
And there he is, sprawled out across her sofa as if he lives there. "What, you don't like our song anymore?" he questions.
"Oh my God, Jesse!" she runs towards him, "What are you doing here, how—"
And his lips are on hers, and she's wrapping her legs around his waist because it's been so long since she felt him. He feels her tears begin to fall and he sits them down on the sofa, her legs still wrapped firmly around him.
"So I went, I tried it," he begins, "And it sucked. And now I know for sure, I don't want to do anything unless you're a part of it."
Her hands are in his hair when she says, "I am an idiot. I thought we needed this."
"We did," he grins, "And now you know you're stuck with me."
"Wouldn't have it any other way," she answers as he's picking her up and carrying her to her bedroom.
"You have a habit of making yourself at home, did you know that?" she smirks into his ear. He grins into their kiss before pressing her into the mattress, his body covering hers.
They make love slowly, savoring every kiss, every touch, and when he fills her completely he whispers into the darkness, "That's because my home is wherever you are."
It's completely dark in her bedroom. She hears the steady sound of his breathing and she knows he's asleep, but she's wide awake. He's still right here, next to her, but somehow she feels like she's drowning.
In some ways, it's as if they were never apart, but she can't let go of how she felt when they were on opposite sides of the country, when their future together was unknown. Her heart has healed, but the scars on it are still visible.
He seems unfazed, in typical Jesse fashion he's just happy to be with her again. Life carries on as usual, and it isn't until they're at a party at Chloe's house that it hits her like a ton of bricks. She's leaning in the doorframe of Chloe's living room, watching him as he talks to her female coworkers. The women are all charmed by him, of course, laughing as he says something witty and cute. She's always known he could have any woman he wanted, and the realization of what could have happened when he was in New York nearly crushes her. And suddenly, she needs air.
She walks out onto Chloe's front porch, and the redhead, noticing her expression follows her out there. "Beca?" Chloe asks.
"I'm sorry," Beca explains, "I just needed air."
"He's back, you're happy now," Chloe says quietly, knowing her friend well.
"I know," Beca whispers, "But I can't help but think about how close I was to losing him. He could have anybody he wants. Everybody loves him."
"No one else loves him the way you do," Chloe replies, "You guys belong together. And I know you're still afraid Beca, you've never really opened yourself completely because you always thought it was going to end. You've been trying to protect yourself, but it's obvious you can't. You fell for him a long time ago, so just let it happen and stop fighting it."
Beca sighs, "I don't know how to stop fighting. It's what I do. It's who I am."
"No it isn't," her friend corrects, "Who you are is what you feel right here," she points to the center of Beca's chest, the place that she has been keenly aware of since she met Jesse. "I don't know what you're doing out here still talking to me, when where you should be is with him."
Chloe is right. She walks back into the house and into the middle of the living room. "Jesse Swanson!" she says loudly, "I am in love with you, and I need you to take me home right now!"
He stops mid-sentence, looking up at her from his conversation in shock, slack-jawed and wide-eyed. The entire party is watching him as he stands slowly and moves across the room to her. "Ok," he tells her, and before he can utter another word, she's kissing him. The kiss is slow, and passionate, and everyone is clapping and cheering when they finally break apart. He takes her hand and leads her out the door, thanking Chloe as they leave.
The drive back to their apartment is short, and when she unlocks the door he turns to her and says, "Now do you want to tell me what that was about?"
"I love you," she says.
"I know," he answers, "And I love you."
"No!" she says, exasperated, "I really love you."
"Ditto," he smiles.
"You don't get it!" she snaps, and his head is spinning as he tries to process what's happening, "Do you know how close we were to not being us anymore? Do you know what it was like for me to be without you? Do you know how afraid I've been since the day we met that you were just going to leave me for someone better? I just, I can't—"
He opens his mouth to say something, but she continues.
"Do you know what this feels like?" she demands, clasping her hands over that spot that felt so empty without him, "You're in here with me, all the time. No matter what I do or where I go, you'll always be here. And I'm just so tired, Jesse. I'm so tired of being afraid."
"Then stop," he says softly, "Beca, I feel the same way. When I was in New York, it occurred to me that you might find someone new, and that thought had me on the next plane out here. I can't bear losing you. I can't be without you. I love you too, and I'm not going anywhere."
"Jesse," she breathes, and his heart starts pounding, because she's saying his name that way again.
And as clothes are removed, he senses changes in her as the last of her walls are lowered, allowing him in finally. They make love right there in the entranceway, and then again on the sofa, and on the kitchen counter, and finally end up in their bed. And she amazes him yet again, because just when he thinks he couldn't possibly love her any more, he falls for her even harder.
It's completely dark in their bedroom. She hears the steady sound of his breathing and she knows he's asleep, but she's wide awake. He's still right here, next to her, but somehow she feels like she's dreaming.
A/N: The song that inspired this is Lady Gaga's The Edge of Glory, but the live version from her holiday album. If you watch So You Think You Can Dance, it's the song that Mackenzie and Paul danced to this week. It's absolutely beautiful, as was their dance to it. Reviews = more chapters coming soon!J