"Women," Benji says as Jesse closes the door on their relationship, or whatever it was that they had.
He plops down on his bed, trying to focus on the movie on his laptop and the freshly made bowl of popcorn, but the only thing he can think about is the hurt on her face when she looked at him moments ago.
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing"
I am not worried, I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me, "For one time only
Make an exception." I am not worried
Beca doesn't understand, she thinks this is all about the fact that she was mean to him. She'd have to be blind to not know how he feels. He's made it painfully obvious, over and over again, and she's repeatedly pushed him away. He's at the point where he doesn't know what to think anymore. Does she even care about him at all?
Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried
I am not overly concerned
His spring break passes in a haze. He hangs out with his family and friends, but he barely notices them. His thoughts keep shifting back to her, and how she at this very moment may be on a date with Luke. He wishes he could just forget about her, forget he ever met her, and forget he ever heard her sing.
With the status of my emotions
Oh, she says, "You're changing"
But we're always changing
It does not bother me to say
He knows he's intense. He's been told before by his friends, his parents, and now her. He knows it's hard to deal with, but he's the one living each day with this kind of passion. He finds it exhausting, loving her. And she doesn't seem to want to talk about anything serious. He feels like he's about to go everywhere at once, and she's stuck in one spot, barely looking at him.
And so he puts his own walls up, because he's tired of hurting all the time, of giving his all and getting nothing in return.
This isn't love
'Cause if you don't wanna talk about it
Then it isn't love
And I guess, I'm gonna have to live with that
"Well you better figure it out," he tells her, and he means it. He wants her to think about it, think about him, and decide if he means or ever meant anything to her. She goes from ignoring him, to becoming his friend, to almost kissing him, to punching out someone for him, to not speaking to him. He keeps telling himself he's not in love with her, that he can just walk away, but he's kidding himself.
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of gray
Or something in between
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean
Maybe if he were named Luke, she'd notice him, he thinks. Maybe he's too straight edged, too dorky for her. Maybe he's too much of a hopeless romantic. But in the movies, the guy always gets the girl, right?
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing"
But I am not really worried
I am not overly concerned
Benji doesn't say so, but he knows Jesse is being stubborn. Benji has watched him gets his hopes up all year long, only to have them dashed again. Jesse knows his roommate cares about her too, he's the one who went after her that night. He couldn't even make himself wonder about how she had gotten home. He didn't want to think about her being with Luke instead of him.
You try to tell yourself the things, you try tell yourself
To make yourself forget, to make yourself forget
I am not worried
No, he's not in love with her. He's not going to think about how the intensity of her face when she's mixing songs captivates him. He's not going to imagine what it would be like to feel her body and her lips against his. He's not going to replay in his mind how her auburn hair shines in the sunlight, or her eyes sparkle at him when he makes a stupid joke. He's not going to think about how it felt when her eyes flitted between his eyes and his lips, and she leaned into him ever so slightly. No, that wasn't a moment between them; it was only his imagination playing tricks.
"If it's love" she said
Then we've gonna have to think about the consequences
'Cause she can't stop shaking
And I can't stop touching her
They're sitting together on a park bench after the first ICCA finals. She's kissed him only an hour before, and he's still trying to process it. She's trembling, opening up to him is no small thing, and she's terrified. His hands move from his lap to intertwine with hers, and he doesn't let go. He absently moves a piece of her hair from her face, tucking it carefully behind her ear. His hands seem to have a mind of their own as they walk back to the hotel and he wraps an arm around her waist, keeping her hip pressed firmly against his.
And this time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away
And Anna begins to change her mind
The days that follow are the happiest he's had in recent memory. The air is changing between them, he can feel it. She's smiling a lot more, and she leans into his touch instead of backing away. And when he kisses her, her lips melt into his.
"These seconds when I'm shaking
Leave me shuddering for days," she says
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing
They're sitting together on his bed watching a movie, and he can feel her eyes watching him. "You're missing it," he tells her softly before turning his gaze to meet hers. Her expression is unreadable as she tentatively leans towards him, lightly brushing her lips against his. She snakes a hand around his neck and into his hair as she deepens the kiss, sighing softly into his mouth. His heart is pounding in his chest as his hands move from her hair, down her back, and settle on her tiny waist, pulling her gently closer to him.
But I'm not gonna break
And I'm not gonna worry about it anymore
I'm not gonna bend and I'm not gonna break
I'm not gonna worry about it anymore
No, no, no, no, no
"Jesse," she breathes, and his heart soars. He slides into her effortlessly, filling her completely as her body relaxes against his. She feels exquisite. He doesn't have the words to describe this. He's reveling in the sensation of finally being inside her when he dares to open his eyes and look at her face. Her eyes are tightly closed, her head tilted back, her lips parted slightly as her breath comes out in halting gasps. She's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. His insides constrict with emotion as he lowers his lips to hers once more.
It seems like I should say
"As long as this is love"
But it's not all that easy so maybe I should
He's known for a while now that she was special to him, but it isn't until this moment that he realizes just how much.
"Jesse!" his name is on her lips as she hits her climax, and he's a goner. He can't even pretend anymore that he's not. Sure, he joked with her when they first met that they would end up like this, but it was still only something he dreamed about late at night when he was alone.
But here she is, with him, and it's his name gasped in pleasure. He looks at her, really looks at her as they try to regain their breaths, and when her eyes open and she catches him staring, she smiles. "Wow," she says, and he wishes he could stop time and stay like this forever.
Snap her up in a butterfly net
And pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried
'Cause you've done this sort of thing before
Part of him worries that she'll run, or that she'll never really be able to love him back the way that he loves her, but he can't stop falling for her. He's terrified as he realizes that as long as he lives, he doubts that there will ever be a moment as perfect as this again. It's so new to him, and already he knows he'll never love anyone else the way he loves her.
But then I start to think about the consequences
'Cause I don't get no sleep in a quiet room
She's asleep next to him, curled onto her side as he lies awake in the darkness listening to the sound of her breathing. He isn't sure what this means for their relationship. He has no idea what future they might have together, if any. He knows she has issues with marriage, and children, and all of the things he imagined his future would include. And still, no matter how hard he tries to fight it, he is in love with her. He can't even pinpoint the exact moment when it started. But maybe, just maybe, she's the one his heart has been waiting for always.
And this time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away
And Anna begins to change my mind
The fifth time they make love, yes love, his mind insists, they're in his dorm room late one night. Benji is studying in the library, and she arrives just to drop off one of his DVDs that he left behind in her room. She fully intends to just make a quick visit and go, but when he answers the door listening to his iPod instead of watching a movie, she's intrigued.
"What are you listening to?" she asks.
"You," he replies, showing her the screen, and sure enough, one of her mixes is playing.
Her smile takes his breath away as she replies, "Wow, I'm on someone's iPod."
He grins back, playing with a curl of her hair as she adds, "And more importantly, you chose me over one of your precious movies."
"Always," he whispers so softly she almost doesn't hear it, and then he's kissing her. His iPod and headphones fall to the floor forgotten as he tangles his tongue with hers. He turns them, backing her towards his bed until she feels the backs of her legs hit the mattress. His t-shirt quickly joins his iPod on the floor, and she's running her hands down his bare chest. He moans into her mouth, reaching to remove her shirt. She wraps her legs around his waist, and he lowers her to the bed, settling himself between her legs. She trembles under his intense gaze, and he knows she can feel it, this passion he has for her, because it's written in every move he makes.
And every time she sneezes
I believe it's love
And oh, Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
They're on the quad one afternoon. He's trying to rest while she's mixing tracks on her laptop. She places the headphones on his head periodically to see what he thinks. His head is in her lap, and he looks up at her when she starts shifting back and forth on their blanket, wrinkling her nose.
"Ah-choo!" she squeaks. And suddenly he's rolling on his side, unable to hold back his laughter, because his badass Beca Mitchell squeaks when she sneezes, and he thinks it's the most adorable sound he's ever heard.
"Shut up, nerd," she says fondly, narrowing her eyes at him as she playfully punches him in the shoulder.
She's talkin' in her sleep
It's keepin' me awake
And Anna begins to toss and turn
He learns something new about her every day.
Beca Mitchell talks in her sleep. The first night he spends with her, they just sleep in his New York City hotel bed after the ICCA finals. She lets out a breathy moan, and he would give anything to know what she is dreaming about.
About a week and a half after that, he gets a hint. She's fast asleep beside him, the sheet wrapped around her topless form as she slumbers. He wakes suddenly, blinking in the darkness as he tries to determine what woke him.
"Mmm," she purrs into her pillow, shifting her hips as she rolls onto her back. His eyes shoot in her direction, staring intently at her.
"Ohh," she sighs, her hand falling across her body and landing on her now exposed breast. He swallows as he watches her.
"Yes," she hisses, and he hears her sharp intake of breath, and suddenly he is painfully aroused. She shifts again, her eyes shooting open just as suddenly as his had moments before.
"Damn it," she mumbles to herself, unaware that he is fully awake and focused on her in rapt attention.
"I really hope you were dreaming about me," he whispers, and she nearly falls out of the bed in surprise.
"God! Jesse!" she jumps, pulling the sheet tightly around herself as she sits up in bed.
"Sorry," he chuckles, "You were talking in your sleep, woke me up."
"Oh my God what did I say?" she covers her face with the bedding.
"You seemed to be enjoying yourself," he says quietly, "I was hoping you were dreaming about me."
She doesn't say anything for a moment, the embarrassment evident on her face as she peeks at him from under the covers. "I was," she admits, "But I woke just as it was starting to get good."
"You got the real thing right here, ya know," he teases her, and she tosses the sheet aside, straddling his hips.
"Well then you better finish what you started, lover," she smiles, before lowering her lips to his.
And every word is nonsense
But I understand
And oh, Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
This is what heaven must be like, he thinks as she buries her face in his neck, kissing that one spot below his earlobe that she knows drives him wild. She's wrapped around him like a second skin, her bare chest rubbing ever so lightly against his as her hands move from his hair, down his sides, and pass gently over the thin material of his boxers. His breath hitches, and he can feel her smile into his neck.
"You're beautiful," he tells her, "I—"
She cuts him off by kissing him firmly on the mouth, and the incomplete sentiment hangs in the air.
Her kindness bangs a gong
It's movin' me along
And Anna begins to fade away
As his car turns the corner, he glances back into his rearview mirror until she's completely out of sight. He knows that leaving her was the right choice, but his heart feels differently. He knows that out of the millions of women he eventually could meet in New York, there's already only one who has captured his heart forever.
It's chasin' me away
She disappears
And oh, Lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
He never expected her to be the first one to say I love you. He has almost said it a hundred times since he met her, and was just waiting for a time when he thought she could handle it. So when she lets it slip one afternoon, he can't hide the elation he feels.
He didn't intend to go to Barden University and fall in love with the first girl he sees on campus, but it turns out to be the best thing he ever does in his life.
A/N: The song is Anna Begins by Counting Crows. It is too perfect for several reasons.
To all my Guest reviewers, I wish I could reply to you because you're amazing and have made me laugh and smile every day. THANK YOU!