Chapter 10 – Fade

(Inspired by: What Have You Done – Within Temptation)

His memories die away, fading back in to the pool I'd began in. My body shutters, head aching from the millions upon millions of thoughts and memories within Alec's troubled mind. I truly know him now; understand him in a way only one whose seen the darkest depths of one's conscious can and I realize he was right. I don't want the knowledge I possess now. With my blissful ignorance gone, I have the truth; it was all a lie.

My lungs constrict, burning, as the waters of the lagoon become frigid and I kick my feet off the muddied ground, propelling up toward the dying light of the moon. I break the surface with a gasp, paddling to the bank as my body grows numb from the icy waves. As I collapse on the shore, coughing up water, the entirety of the lake freezes over. I roll on to my back, body and mind exhausted. A bright light cracks through the inky sky, bleeding over the expanse of land as the world is covered in a blanket of white that fades to black.

My mind snaps back against itself with purpose, a pounding erupting against my skull. I cough on the cool, sweet air, throwing a hand to my chest as I try to gather my bearings. When my senses return, my eyes flutter open to meet the agonizing gaze of the most beautiful man I've ever seen. The mind tricks fall away with each blink of my eyes and Alec becomes more dashingly handsome as the seconds pass on. With the moon casting a shadow on his face, those crimson eyes appear to glow with sorrow, but regardless of what my heart begs me to do, I follow what my mind commands of me.

The back of my left hand raises, slicing through the air and connecting against his cheek with a sickening slap. His whole face reels to the left, shock etching on his features. I grip the balcony for support, heartache pulsing through my veins. I've been so stupid, so easily fooled by measly mind games and even now, I don't know if what I'm feeling is real. The tears begin to fall, making me feel even more pathetic than I already do.

"I'm so sorry, Renesmee," Alec whispers, keeping his distance when I so desperately want him to hold me. I drowned the urge to beg him to tell me it was all just a joke, that I made it up in my head, but I know it's true. Falling to my knees, I sob in to my hands. "You had to know the truth so you can get away from me. You know I'm not good for you now, in more ways than one. Tell me you hate me, that you never want to see me again, tell your family about this so they'll take you somewhere you can be safe. Please."

I peer up at him, my eyes blurry with tears, and laugh bitterly, "How can I hate you? You took that chance away from me by telling me the truth, by pushing me away; you're trying to keep me safe by putting your life on the line and I'm supposed to hate you?"

Alec smirks at me, shaking his head, and kneeling before me. I still want to kiss him, I still want him to hold me. I still want all of him to be mine and now that I've seen his mind, I realize he wants the same, but it's not possible with the situation fate has posed before us. I contemplate the different scenarios of how to make this work, all ending with one of us dead before I feel a tingle in the back of my mind. When I look back at Alec, his face flickers between human and immortal. Ana comes to mind and I reel away from him, confused. Do I really want him or is that something Ana put in my head? I think back to the moment Alec was assigned this mission, remembering Ana's words of controlling me to the point of doing whatever he asks.

How deep are her claws in my mind? I wonder, the single thought igniting a fire within my chest.

As long as Anastasia lives, I'll never know if what I'm thinking is of my own creation. I search my mind for a presence, my anger fueling my abilities further beyond the realm of human and deeper in to vampire, but I find her ties within my thoughts.

Fury, white hot, whips through me and locate her in the area. Alec searches my face, noticing my darkened expression, "Are you alright?"

He begins to reach for me, but I'm too fast. I leap over the edge of the balcony, ripping through the trees at an unfathomable speed. I hear Alec call after me, though my mind detaches from everything that isn't fueled on this raw desire to kill. I follow her mind's pull through the forest, past the clearing where Jake and I ripped in to each other, all the way to the edge of the brush where she thinks she's hidden. I see her eyes widen in confusion before they grow smug and she emerges.

"You look awful," Ana grins, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "I see the cat is out of the bag… you seem upset. I guess I would be too… I mean, did you really believe someone like Alec could ever want someone like you?" her cackling laughter infuriates me, pushing me over the edge.

Before she can say anymore, I have her throat in my grasp and I shove her in to a tree. A loud snap echoes as her body connects with the brittle bark. I don't have any questions, knowing the answers from Alec's memories. She was never my friend, just a bitch with too much of an ego. Her eyes widen in fear, her mind's claws searching for a way in to my mind, but I feel my natural defenses strengthen the walls around my mind as adrenaline and venom create a deadly poison in my veins. I squeeze tighter as she fights harder against my shields. I hiss at her, "You really don't want to do that."

Her thoughts pile back in to her head and she tries to fight my grip. She kicks her foot out in to my shin, the impact throwing off my balance. She slams in to me and we tumble to the ground, dirt and grass mucking up our clothes. Ana rams her knee in to my ribs, knocking the air from my chest and a burn spreads through my torso, but I fight through the pain. My sight dulls for a moment, allowing her to backhand me before venom bubbles in to my body and I throw a right hook straight in to her jaw. Her head cracks up and I tackle her, rolling to the side once again.

Ana throws her arm out, scratching her nails across my face, but I slam another punch in to her perfect cheek and she hisses before grabbing my arm. She flashes behind me, bending it in a direction it's not supposed to go. I hiss as I hear a snap, but I whip around and slam my foot straight in to her stomach. She ricochets in to a tree, breaking it upon impact. I race over, my arm and side going numb. When I reach her, she springs on to my back, mouth wide, and bites a chunk out of my shoulder.

Pissed off and in a serious amount of pain, I reach behind me and take her throat in to a death grip. I slam her on the ground with a sickening crunch and press my fingertips deeper in to her neck as she stops her game, her eyes blinking rapidly as she chokes out pleading words of letting her go.

"Tell me, Ana," I snarl, feeling blood dripping down my back. "If our roles were reversed and I'd begged for mercy, would you have shown me any?"

"Renesmee," The sound of Alec's voice hardly cracks through the fog of my sadistic frustration, but it does catch my attention. "You need to calm down."

Ana's eyes flash over to Alec and she grins at me as if she just won. Annoyance flushes my skin red as I tighten my grip, throwing my mind against hers and diving in to her thoughts without care. She cries out as I find her conscious mind and meet her eyes. Somehow finding full control of her brain, I order her in to silence with a simple thought. Her entire body goes slack, eyes glazed over with emptiness. I release her throat and focus on tightening my grip on her mind instead. I don't turn to face Alec, but I can sense everything around me from the shock he feels to the questions buzzing in his mind.

"What's going through your head right now?" he asks, more calm than I expected him to be in a situation like this. I ponder what to tell him as I stare at Ana and contemplate if I should really follow through with my decision, the choice that brought me all the way out here. "She's been in my head, controlling me and I don't know if what I'm thinking right now is my own mind or if it's her. I don't know if the reason I want to kiss you is because I want to or if it's because she's telling me it's what I want. The only way to find out is to kill her."

I hear Alec grit his teeth, the crunch of grass as he approaches. I glance behind me, hoping the glare on my face stops him, but he keeps toward me until he's directly beside me. He takes in a breath, "That isn't who you are."

I let out a frustrated growl, forcing myself off the ground, and flick Ana against the tree. She slumps to the ground, completely out of it with her mind disconnected. I whip around to face him and he stands, squaring his shoulders as if I'm about to fight him, but I don't think he realizes how dizzy I am… or how weak I feel. My body is on fire, but something keeps me from showing it. I size his blurry form, licking my lips as I choose my words carefully. "What would you know about who I am? For the last six years, I've only ever been what was expected of me, never what I wanted to be. I don't even know who I am, but I do know the moment I found out what she's been doing to me, I wanted to gut her from the inside out and watch her bleed. I wanted to rip her head from her throat and watch her lifeless carcass burn."

Alec stares at me with a blank expression before throwing his arms out to the sides. Then, he starts gathering branches, moving swiftly around the forest. I watch him, a bitter taste growing in my mouth as he forms a fire pit. "What are you doing?"

"You said you wanted to watch her burn so let's get a fire started. I don't know what it's like to have someone influencing your every thought, but I do know what it's like to have the world fall out beneath your feet and if you think the best way to solve this problem is by killing her, then so be it." he says, reaching in to his back pocket and revealing a pack of matches. He lights one up, then two, then four and tosses them on his creation. It bursts in to golden flames before he turns to me with raised eyebrows.

I blink, looking back to Ana as my world teeters. I feel a wetness under my nose, my fingers reaching up to find dark blood dripping down my lip. I feel Ana's mind as she begins to come to and I realize my decision is slipping farther from my grasp. I bend down and grip each side of her head, placing images of being burned alive if she ever enters my mind again. Just as I finish, the world shifts on its axis, tilting from side to side, and I lose my equilibrium. I begin to fall, but I never hit the ground, rather I find myself in Alec's arms as my head spins. I squeeze my eyes shut, unable to keep my head up anymore. He sight, pushing my hair from my face and hissing at something I can't see when suddenly I hear feet pounding. Kylie's scent bursts through my senses and her presence is beside me. My mind wavers in and out of focus, hearing them argue through a wind tunnel.

"What the hell happened?" Kylie growls at him, but he doesn't move and instead continues to look me over.

"She needs a doctor."

Kylie huffs as if she didn't expect anything less from him, "If you would've just left her alone like you kept telling yourself to do, she wouldn't need anything. You knew this would happen; why didn't you just refuse the damn order?"

"Even if I did refuse the order, they'd send someone else to carry it out and you know that. You were supposed to be protecting her, but I've had to take matters in to my own hands." Alec admits, gripping my hand.

"And what a fabulous job you've done." Kylie scoffs.

I wake up, harsh fluorescents shining down on me. I cringe and throw an arm over my face to shield my eyes before someone flicks them off. Peering to the left, I'm greeted by the sight of Carlisle and he doesn't look happy. He sits across from me, placing his clipboard on the counter and narrowing his amber gaze on me.

"How are you feeling?" he asks, tone level. My heart races in my chest and I blink, "I'm fine."

"Do you remember what happened?" I blink at him, my mouth remaining in a tight line as the memories of my encounter with Alec and Ana pass through my mind in a few seconds. I look out the window, seeing a twilight sky with a sinking sun. Bringing both hands up to my face, I realize both cheeks have been scratched up, but feel smooth as silk. Glancing over to Carlisle, he waits for me to respond. I shrug and he sighs.

"You need to try because I'd like to know how you sustained four broken ribs, a fractured arm, sprained ankle, and that nasty bite on your shoulder because Kylie refuses to say. Everyone one has been worried sick for the past three days." He says, tone clipped and clearly concerned. I glance over my body, finding nothing, but fresh clothes. I look up at him, eyes wide and confused. "Three days? I've been… I healed in three days?"

"Yes," he sighs. "What happened?"

I bite my lip, shaking my head and jump off the table. Moving to the window, I find Jake pacing back and forth in the distance. My ears perk up to hear my parents waiting in the living room for me, worried and afraid. Rosalie continues to rant to Emmett about how she should've been there. Alice murmurs to Jasper about how she this was her fault, how if her gift wasn't so limited, she'd of known this was coming. Esme is in the kitchen, talking quietly with Kylie about what to make for dinner. As I bring myself back in to Carlisle's office, I let out a small sigh and shrug my shoulders.

"I don't remember." I whisper, unable to meet his eyes. I don't know what prevents me from telling him the truth, or my family when they ambush me with apologies of not being there for me when I needed them most. I'm in danger, we're all in danger and yet, my biggest concern is how to protect Alec. I take a bottle of blood out of the fridge and am forced to spend the rest of the evening with my family, feeling like a prisoner as we gather in the living room to watch Edward play the piano. My mother smiles as she hands me the dreaded violin. I learned to play it back when I'd wanted to please my father, but while I'd mastered the instrument, I never had a passion for it. Nothing could compare to running, but feeling guilty for all the lies I've told them, I take the item with a glass smile. My father and I play a beautiful symphony together, surrounded by our family, but I've never felt more alone. It's truly an out-of-body experience to realize your own family sees you as they want you to be, rather than accept you as you truly are.

The next five days pass with little commotion and no sign of Alec. Kylie told me he's been trying to get Ana to believe the mission hasn't been compromised while trying to come up with a plan to get my family and I to safety. Betraying the Volturi is no simple task, nor does it happen all too often. I miss him and hate myself for letting it all go this far, but then I have to remind myself that I'd been influenced the whole time. For some reason though, that seems like the coward's choice… to not take responsibility for being weak? I may be a half-breed, I may be pathetic, but I'm not a coward. The next morning, a horrible hump day, I wake up and go about my usual routine.

I haven't been allowed to go running alone lately so I haven't seen the point in it; I want to be alone if I'm going to run. Once my hair has been flat-ironed and I'm dressed, I make my way downstairs for some water when my parents corner me in the kitchen with the craziest proposition yet.

"Even after he attacked me, you're going to try to send me back to Forks with him?" I exclaim, staring at my parents as if they've completely lost their minds. My mother glares at me, "Everyone loses control, Renesmee. Jacob would never intentionally try to hurt you. Besides, it's for your own good."

Absentmindedly rubbing my shoulder, I scoff and roll my eyes. Dad sucks in a breath and crosses his arms over his chest before he comes to stand beside me. "So much has happened here in the last few months… maybe going home will help you calm down. You'll get to see grandpa Charlie."

I shake my head, push my hair back and slowly place my glass down on the counter. They're insane; it's official. Looking them both in the eye with meaning, I clap my hands together. "I don't know where you got the idea that I'd willingly go along with this, but you're wrong. You cannot force me to go somewhere I don't want to go and if you do send me away, don't expect me to come back. I'm going to go catch a ride with Alice and Jasper to school; I'll see you when we go hunting tonight."

With that, I walk out of the kitchen; once again, I've left my parents dumbfounded.

I skip out on lunch and hide away in the library with Kylie. I mark down another day that I haven't seen Alec and for some reason, I feel lethargic as if someone took a piece of me away. Taking a seat in the back, I finish up the homework I've been assigned thus far when I feel a familiar tingle at the back of my skull.

Renesmee…

My head shoots up and I look around the library, but besides the old woman behind the checkout desk, it's just Kylie and I. "You okay?" she asks, peering at me with a cocked eyebrow. I nod, "Great." Keeping a calm posture, I quietly dig through my mind for the connection, but whoever it is knows what they're doing. My brain feels itchy and I grow more irritable as the seconds tick on.

Renesmee…

I burst from the table, knocking everything off the table as I look around the room for the source of the sound that seems to be right beside my ear. Kylie watches me carefully, "Ness, do you hear something?" She quickly reaches across the table and grips my wrist, I look in to her eyes as she sees what's going on. Her eyes widen and she moves around the table, "We need to go. Now."

My mind continues its search for the connection when I shift my gaze out the window, finding the crimson eyes immediately, but it's not Anastasia. In fact, it's no one I recognize at all. I don't have time to contemplate what's happening as they move deeper in to my mind. I gasp, feeling them reach the base of my consciousness. I push against them, my mind feeling like goo.

Renesmee...

"Renesmee!" Kylie yells. Blinking at her, I try to get my eyes to focus, but they waver in and out of clarity. Alec flashes through my mind before the immortal outside claims all of my mind. My last thought before I fade in to darkness is that maybe I should've agreed with my parents this morning and gone back to Forks because I'd never lost so much in one moment. I lost my sight, I lost my thoughts, I lost control over my own mind.

Everything was just... gone.

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