Chapter Fifteen – Never
(Inspired by: Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) – Green Day)
Alec's smile is brilliant, wide and filled with relief. He rests his forehead against mine, his breath wafting across my cheeks and I melt in to his existence. Pride fills my chest and I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. He embraces me, squeezing as if I may not truly be before him in this moment. I sigh, finally at ease. The world has been set right, free for the first time in centuries; irrevocably and completely free.
"Yes, Renesmee," he says, his voice breathless. "We did it; we won."
I smile weakly, nodding with a sense of pride running through my veins. I did it; I beat my fears, fought my demons, and I won. I let out a breath, finally able to let my eyes flutter closed. Everything fades away and I find a peaceful warmth in the sweetest sleep I've ever experienced.
Florescent lights burn bright behind my closed eyelids, the smell of bleach invading my nose. I can hear the soft pitter-patter of rain against a window pane, the artificial chill of air conditioning hissing against my bare arms. Where am I? My eyes flicker open and I nearly shoot up from the cot I lay upon, only slightly relaxing at Carlisle's calming hand as it curls gently around my wrist. I glance at him, my heart racing. The last thing I remember is Alec holding me, the world being set right; the Volturi had fallen. I was in Italy… how am I in Carlisle's office all the way in Oregon, wait no, I look to where the wall should be. The wide, bay window greets me and I realize we're in Forks. I snap my attention back to Carlisle, his expression drawn with dissatisfaction.
"Renesmee," he says. "Before you get excited, I'd like you to hear me out."
I keep my lips sealed, even though I desperately want to demand why they took me back here, back to this life. I don't want this. I can't go back, not after all I've done. I'm strong now, stronger than I'd ever been. I had every intention of joining Kylie and Quinn in whatever their next move would be, with Alec by our side. I search his face, hoping to find something that'll put me at ease, but I find nothing. His topaz eyes are blank as the white walls surrounding us. This is not what I was expecting.
"After what occurred in Italy and all that you were put through, I believe you should rest for a while; I'm not sure the full impact of what's happened and what you did has really sunk…"
His voices trickles off as I raise a hand, having heard enough.
"With all due respect, Carlisle, I'm well aware of what's happened; I know what I did. I just want to know what happened after I blacked out."
With a stiff incline of his head, he adjusts himself in to a chair and crosses his legs. He eyes me from across the room, the air filling with a strict tension. His lips thin before he folds his hands in his lap, "There's quite a few things I'd like to know… such as when you and Alec became so close; he's never been particularly affectionate from the time I've known him."
I wait for the guilt, the regret, any semblance of negative emotion to fill my chest; it never comes. I hold my head higher, feeling with every fiber of my being that Alec and I are connected. I don't give a damn what anyone else has to say on the matter, although, I respect Carlisle far too much to say it in such a way. I clear my throat, playing with words in my mind, but none seem to be the right ones.
"A while," I murmur. "Quite a while."
His eyes harden, "Do not be vague with me, Renesmee; how long?"
"I can't be exact, it happened gradually… maybe a few months." I say, dropping a shoulder.
"Your parents want to speak with you about it; they're not happy, as you can imagine. To be honest, we're all a bit confused. I don't think I'll ever be able to comprehend why you chose one of the most dangerous immortals out there to spend your time with," he pauses to look me in the eye, that knowing glint finally showing through the rust-colored storm. "But when it comes to you, there's always a reason."
I remain silent, unsure of why he put such depth in to his statement. He clues me in on what happened after I'd spaced out; the dust settled and everyone found Alec holding my "lifeless" body. My whole family, naturally, went for the attack, but the B.R.A.V.O agents explained he was on our side. Then… Alec told them everything about the Volturi's plan. Everything. Carlisle doesn't specify what "everything" is, I wonder for a fleeting moment if he mentioned how our romance began, but I brush it aside. That's not important at the moment, not yet. He mentions that Kylie, Quinn, and Alec all returned to Forks to ensure I'd be okay and were staying in the area; they'd be stopping by later this evening. However, I'd still had to face my parents after all this had been laid on them.
"Let's get it over with."
Nodding, Carlisle stands and opens the door for me. I bow my head as I pass the threshold and take a breath of air, filling my chest and straightening my back as I cross the hallway. My family has gathered in the living room, everyone standing as I enter. I cross my arms over my chest and meet the furious gaze of my mother. Everyone else takes that as a dismissal, leaving my parents and I to discuss the latest events.
"How dare you," Bella begins, her voice hardly edging to audible. "We raised you to be so much smarter than this and you run off with some Volturi member… what were you thinking? What if he'd been double crossing everyone? You could've gotten yourself killed!"
Edward tags in, "I don't trust him, nor should you. I don't want you anywhere near him till I'm fully aware of his intentions, do you understand me? He may have switched sides at the last moment, but I know him better than anyone-"
"Do you?"
"Don't interrupt your father, Renesmee Carly Cullen, you are in a lot of trouble."
I glance between them, withholding the resentment that burns in my chest, almost like a fire. It feeds on their childish treatment of me, how they look down upon me. I refuse to accept it any longer, unable to dim it's vicious flames as they lick through me, my blood boiling.
"You claim to know him, but do you? You think that because you can hear thoughts, invading the utmost sense of privacy there is, you know him? How's this for knowing someone: I've been in the darkest depths of his mind, I've seen him for who he was, who he is, and who he wants to be; you don't know the first thing about him. He didn't choose to fight on behalf of the liberators at the last moment, he'd been their inside man from the beginning. When he learned of Aro's plan to sway me, he contacted the rebellion group to put a stop to it. To stand there and mock my intelligence is laughable, especially coming from someone who did the exact same thing, if I recall correctly." I narrow my gaze at my mother, her face aghast. "You scared Charlie half to death with all the incidents you pulled trying to salvage a relationship with dad. You nearly got yourself killed several times and while you both tried to defeat the Volturi, I was on the frontline of the organization that would reap their decline. Perhaps you don't realize what I'd endured to save you."
They stare at me, wordless. I hear the rest of the family listening in, the smell of wet dog growing more putrid as the moments pass. I cross the room, flexing my hands before I stand before my parents and offer my palms. Their eyes lower to my outstretched hands, clearly unsure of what to do.
"My words will never fully express what I feel… and you need to understand exactly how I feel."
Bella takes my hand first, Edward reluctantly following suit. They both look in to my eyes, but I can't look at them while I let the steady stream of my mind bleed in to theirs, showing them all that they haven't known of.
"What's your name?" I ask.
Those eyes reflect the sky on the clearest of days, gleaming with his secrets. Growing up around intuitive people, I've gained a natural knack for reading people and as I attempt to peek in to this man's world, I find a wall. Behind that wall, I can feel his natural rebellion, his desire to wreak havoc, his love for living life by throwing cares to the wind. He hides his emotions as if it's a learned profession. He's a whole new kind of dangerous, I realize, but as he licks his lips, I wonder if I'm willing to take a risk.
"Alec," he says. "Alec Mason."
That first day we met swims out of view, fast forwarding through a liquid pool of colors as time moves at the speed of light. The next moment I felt a part of myself awaken from the darkness within, finding light, tasting it, and never wanting to give it up.
"Consider yourself lucky. I'm a mess; trust me when I say you don't want any part of it."
Feeling his eyes on me, I peek up for a moment, but quickly lose myself in those deepening lakes of disturbed elegance. The blue seems to darken to a dark lilac as he leans close to me, "Trust me when I say I want every part in it."
Like water being washed over a wet painting, the next scene bleeds in to view. Blurry at first, it sharpens as the memory goes on; one of my favorite memories, the first kiss. My first kiss. Our first kiss. Perfect and tortured as it may have been, the flutter I felt then sear my skin even now.
I let out a steady breath, closing my eyes and pretending that this is all a dream. I feel a bit of strength power through my blood, giving me the confidence to admit my own feelings. "I shouldn't like you; not the way I do, at least."
"Neither should I," he agrees.
Licking my lips, with a sense of courage still bleeding in to my soul, I guide his head back in front of me. Our gazes lock. The intensity of what lurks beyond those beautiful eyes frightens me, but sends a burst of thrill in to my core and I realize I'm willing to risk everything just to keep us in this moment.
We lean in at the same second, our mouths just a whisper from meeting. He finishes the job, brushing a gentle kiss across my lips. He steps away, leaving me in a fit of desperate frustration, but I can tell by the look on his face, that pained look, that he's just as stonewalled as I am. I let out a quiet sigh; it's for the best.
"I've got to go." He says, staring at me with pleading eyes.
I can't decide whether he's begging me to ask him to stay or… praying I don't.
"We'll have to see what fate has in store for us." He whispers.
My heart tries to jackhammer its way from the confines of my chest as he tucks a stray strand of hair behind my ear, his hand straying to rest on my cheek. I step closer to him as well, my hands meeting the hard ripples of his stomach as my fingers curl in to his black V-neck.
Our noses brush as he leans closer, his eyes searching mine for something. I don't know if he ever finds it.
"You're nothing like I thought you'd be," Alec sighs, his other hand finding its way to my hip.
I lick my lips, "Disappointed?"
He grins, shaking his head as he closes more of the distance.
"Not yet."
"Prove it." he challenges.
I don't know what comes over me or why I decided this was the best way to prove I wanted him, but I do it and I can't take it back… not that I even want to.
My lips press against his and a moment later, my back hits the wall hard. He tugs me closer, one arm winding around my waist while his hand cradles my cheek. I knot my hands in his silky locks, falling in love with the feel of his tresses around my fingers. His moist lips part, breathing me in. I nibble on his lower lip, pure lust and want overflowing as my hands wander to his strong neck and down to grip on to the collar of his shirt. Alec's lips move against mine, sending me in to a flurry of emotions.
We break apart, breathless and craving. I blink up at him, finding his eyes amidst the darkened features. The vibrant cobalt has been overtaken by a livid crimson. I brush my thumb just under his cheekbone, wondering if it's real or just my lust-induced daze. Whatever it is, I've never seen a more beautiful man. Our eyes meet and his emotions are raw, exposed. Pain, confusion, want, fear, excitement; so bright and thrilling, I lose myself within the depths. I take in the shadowed facets of his face, finding a fallen angel that I come to realize I'm falling for.
I don't have control as the next slideshow of images takes place, slowing down to the moment everything I'd thought was confirmed, but even then, I refused to believe it was true.
For the first time, I really look at him and come to find the perfect boy that stole my heart is a disheveled mess before me. His dark waves are a mess on his head, sticking up in several different directions as if he'd been pulling at it for hours on end. His clothes are rumpled, messy, out of place for such a put-together guy and those eyes; the color is struck a bloody crimson. I stare in to them, watching as the color flickers between the icy blue and the demented red. Shaking my head, I wonder if I'm losing my mind.
"I can't and honestly, I am stupid. When it comes to you, Renesmee, I lose my mind. I don't know up from down. You don't get how crazy I am about you," He says, stepping closer to me. "You can't tell me that you don't feel it, I know you." My breath hitches in my throat, my tongue swelling in my mouth. Alec cups my cheek, staring in to my eyes and that's when his world becomes mine. His fingertips brush my skin, eliciting a bright light that explodes before my eyes. I watch his life from day one till now, but it's not true. I don't know how I know that growing up in a big house with a little sister and a nanny isn't real. I don't know how I know that fixing up his car with his father is a false memory, but I do. Something is out of place, not quite right, and two shades off from being exact.
"But I don't know you." I whisper, tears forming in my eyes. Where did they come from? Squeezing my eyes closed, I bow my head against his chest. Alec sighs, resting his chin atop my head and smoothing my hair down my back, "You will… I promise you will know me."
"I'm so sorry, Renesmee," Alec whispers, keeping his distance when I so desperately want him to hold me. I drowned the urge to beg him to tell me it was all just a joke, that I made it up in my head, but I know it's true. Falling to my knees, I sob in to my hands. "You had to know the truth so you can get away from me. You know I'm not good for you now, in more ways than one. Tell me you hate me, that you never want to see me again, tell your family about this so they'll take you somewhere you can be safe. Please."
I peer up at him, my eyes blurry with tears, and laugh bitterly, "How can I hate you? You took that chance away from me by telling me the truth, by pushing me away; you're trying to keep me safe by putting your life on the line and I'm supposed to hate you?"
I'm catapulted by my brain in to training with Quinn, how he pushed me. Every moment, ruthless. Brutal. Harsh. I feel my breath catch as the burn of Jane's mock-power fills my body. The scene plays before my eyes, as if I've fallen in to the past.
"This is ridiculous, Renesmee!" he hissed, fury turning his metallic eyes in to carbon powder. I shakily pushed up on my aching muscles only for Quinn to press his boot in to my back, squashing me against the floor with an echoing crunch. I was too weak to fight back, far too defeated. I hardly rose from the ground as I fogged the chilled linoleum with each heavy breath that passed my lips. I tried to refrain from blaming my human-half on my weakness, but that was the only thing that made this all connect; although mostly vampire, the part of my mind that was still human couldn't fight against the powers that were all vampire.
"No," Quinn growled beside my ear, his cool breath wafting on my cheek. "That's just you making excuses because you're too scared to actually try and fight back. Maybe, if you actually gave a damn about your family, you'd stop acting like a little girl. To think Alec actually fell for someone as weak as you act; here I was thinking you could be great only to watch you waste yourself."
His boot lifts from my back a moment later, pure ice burning through my fiery veins. I can feel the venom pooling in my throat as it shoots through every tissue of my being at all the insults he dug in to me. The second he walked away was the second I finally became the person I'd always been, but never believed I could be. Flicking myself up from the ground, I squared my shoulders and faced Quinn's retreating form.
"I want to try again." I snap, my tone clipping through the acoustics of the gym. He didn't stop, his head shaking, "I don't have time for these spurts of adrenaline you rely on; they'll get you killed."
Flashing in front of him, I shove Quinn back and focus every ounce of energy I have on making him stop. As my palms connect against his chest, I feel electricity in my fingertips just as he flies back. Quinn crashes in to the far wall, concrete crumbling behind him. Through a puff of smoke, he stares at me with wide eyes. Shock registers in my mind, but I shove it away; I need to get a grip on my powers before the clock times out.
"I will let your family go free and I give you my word that the Volturi guard, myself, nor my brothers will harm them in exchange for you."
Aro's façade had long faded. His charm had fallen and he had his insanity for power on display, not so much as hiding his glee at playing with innocent lives. I narrow my eyes at him and as he meets my gaze, I see straight in to his mind, past the swirl of colors and the rampant thoughts, but straight to his core. He doesn't plan on leaving my family alone, I knew that already, but see how empty his word is only makes me feel so much better about the plan I have for him. He waits for me to speak, appearing to hang off of every word. I tilt my chin up in defiance.
"Your word means nothing to me."
His eyes darken and any friendliness he once possessed is dismissed, "Very well. Alec, show her back to her room. I'll be seeing you again, Miss Cullen, and I assure you the circumstances won't be so comfortable."
I meet his gaze head on, challenging him in a way I shouldn't. Quinn has rubbed off a bit too much on me.
"Regardless of circumstances, master," I say, my tone dripping with mockery. "I'm taking you down with me."
He lunges at me, without any real thought about what he plans to do. He's stupid, planning on his weight taking me out. Big and dumb, he's insulted himself as well as planned his own funeral. I jump to the rafters, letting him crash in to the wall. He disorients himself for a moment, but that's all I need. I leap down, adrenaline pumping through me as I flip him on to his stomach and prepare myself for my first kill. I thought it'd be different, like I'd hesitate or have an overwhelming sense of guilt, but I feel nothing. Nothing, but raw power. I hold his life in my hand and I take it.
Then I see the one I never got to finish; Anastasia, as she circled the outer edge of the war taking place. I bolted to her, leaping over bodies and one-on-one fights. She sees me and a grin slithers across her blood-red lips. She waits for me to reach her.
"How exciting," she says gleefully. "I can't wait to have the honor of ending your pathetic life, halfbreed."
I land in front of her, crouching before I roll my shoulders back to my full height and snarl at her, "It seems you forgot how our last meeting ended."
"I promise I haven't, but I assure you, I never make the same mistake twice."
"Neither do I; I'll make sure to kill you this time."
The moments play out in vivid detail, each emotion I feel passes through me onto them and as my parents release me from their grip, my memories fading out, I wonder if they too see the glow I've acquired over my growth as a person. Do they see how I've accepted myself and how that was the first step in my metamorphosis to the half-immortal I've always been?
Eyes wide, confused and heartbroken, I take a step back. My composure has returned as I realize they finally understand I'm not a little girl, not anymore. Bella seems sad, Edward has a face stone. I look between them, awaiting them to speak, but they don't.
"You don't know me anymore," I whisper. "And you will never know me if you keep me from him… I didn't even know myself before I met him. You can't take that away from me."
Bella's lip twitches, her expression tight and controlled. "But… the imprint; Jake, he's the one you're supposed to love."
I shake my head, "I've felt anything more than friendship toward Jacob, even less than that these days. He's betrayed my trust in too many ways to ever love him as a mate, but I can always forgive him to be the best friend I've always known him as."
Edward and Bella share a look, unsure. I know how the battle between them is going; it's the same one I faced not too long ago. Alec isn't supposed to be the one, I'm not supposed to be grown up, they're not supposed to let go just yet, but that's how it is. How is should be. Life will go on.
"I'm sorry for the grief I've caused you and I'm sorry that I couldn't of gone about it in a better way, but no one said growing up would be easy. This process has been a challenge all on its own, without having to throw the lives of my family in to the mix. I just, I wanted to become stronger, independent, courageous; I felt so weak and then he came in to my life, giving me the sense of self I'd been lacking. I may have thought it was rebellion at first, you did as well, but it wasn't; it was me coming in to my own… I hope you can understand that."
Just as the moment seems to come to the precipice of what would be a compromise, Jake crashes in to the room, welling with anger. His whole body is rigid, his pupils are dilated, and I can seem him losing his humanity with each step toward me. I meet his gaze, head on and the look stops him dead, but he still opens his mouth.
"You think that because of a little spat in the vampire world that you're some godly adult? You know what you are, Renesmee? A stupid, pathetic little girl." Bella in front of me and towards him, but Edward grips her from moving closer. "Jake," she says, her voice threatening. He hardly glances at her, his eyes narrowed at me. "You need to grow up and running around with that bloodsucker ain't gonna get you anywhere. You wanna know what I think?"
I throw my hands out and let out a humorless laugh, stepping around my parents. I'm not afraid of him. I never have been and I never will be. Not to mention, I have a goddamn load to get off my chest.
"Quite frankly, Jacob, I don't give a damn what you think. You think you know everything, you think that you know what's best for me and you think that I need you; well, all of those are wrong. You couldn't know everything if world punched you in the face and took a shit of knowledge on your face. You haven't known what's best for me since I was a little kid and I'm not a little kid anymore. Don't even get me started on dependence; I haven't needed you since the day you put your paws on me," I turn my face to the side, gesturing to the pale scar tissue still there. "And I won't need you ever again. So, if you have any intention of salvaging our friendship, or what little is left of it, you'll walk away from me before you doing something you regret. Again."
The look on his face dramatically changes. From the edge of fury to the palest of confound sadness, I realize something struck him to the core. He shakes his head, raking a large hand through the short tuffs.
"All I ever wanted… was to be what you wanted."
"You never could be."
Not my best, but I'm satisfied. Hope you enjoyed! Spread the love :)